The night was cold again as I made my way outside to their pool. I was neutral, but a little tint of sadness can be seen on my face. I limped my way to the folding beds and sat. It was dark and cold there. No one was sitting or hanging out there probably because it chilled. I could see the cold fog every time I exhaled. I rubbed my hands together as I lifted my legs on the bed. Those didn’t really matter. I was so bummed about what I had just gone through. I had expected something, and it always came with disappointment. I blinked my eyes repeatedly and dramatically, felt every drip of tear run down my face. I buried myself with further disappointment and despair.
Suddenly, I saw a shadow coming up at me from behind. I’d usually get on my guard, but I was feeling weak, so I didn’t care. I just heard a guy walk beside me and sit on the folding bed beside me. I looked and saw that it was Nick. He was holding two soda cans and handed me one.
“Hey,” he said as he waited for me to take the cup. “Are you okay?”
“No, thanks.” I looked at the soda can and back at him. “It’s already cold.”
“You’re cold?” he repeated. As a reaction, he placed the two cups down on his folding bed. I didn’t take soon notice that he stripped off the sweater I gave him and stood up in front of me. Then, he gently covered my body with that sweater. I’ve got to admit that made the chills go away.
“Thanks.” I wore the sweater as he went back to sit.
“So, what’s up?” he asked again.
“Nothing.” I was sure I didn’t want Nick to find out anything about my feelings for Alex nor was I in the mood the brush him off.
“Liyah. I can tell when there’s something bothering you.”
“Yeah.” I thought there was no point in hiding it to Nick. After all, he knows me so well that I can no longer drive him away. “Maybe you shouldn’t know about it.”
“You like that Sander guy don’t you?” he suddenly asked. Our eyes glued to each other, but I was silenced.
“Well,” it took me seconds to continue, but I did, “It’s not really anything. I don’t know.”
“I can tell you more than like him.” Nick chuckled and shook his head. “I see how you look at him. You never looked at me that way, and I can tell you look at Sander specially.”
“Don’t judge me.” I shook my head away from Nick, trying to deny everything, but I couldn’t hold off the water on my eyes. It was good that the tears that ran down quickly dried off or Nick could have seen that.
“That’s just how I see it.”
“Well, you’re seeing it wrong.” I faced him immediately.
“Am I?” he got a little serious and more interrogative. I faced away again because I couldn’t look straight at him. He seemed to have noticed, “Liyah, don’t be afraid to tell me about it. It’s just like how you talk about things with Laura and Sandy. It’s like how share your problems with your mom. I’m also here for you as your friend. You should start making use of me.”
“I don’t need any help.” I insisted.
“After seeing you see Sander and Winnie hug like that, I think you’re feeling really bad right now especially if you more than like him.”
“Stop, okay?” I said as tears started to flow down my face again. I was still not looking at him so he didn’t notice the tears too quick because it was dark, but he did soon after.
“Hey.” He noticed my cry and started to act more unsettled. “Are you crying?”
“I’m not.” I denied even when it was too obvious with the weakness of my voice. I wiped my tears as Nick quickly moved and kneeled to my front. I tried to wipe the tears away faster.
“Hey. Hey. This is the first time I saw you cry.” He said. “I’m sorry.”
“I’m okay. I’m not crying.” I tried to wipe away the tears faster, but more and more kept dropping. Nick held my arms, feeling more alarmed with that sudden crying. I felt like my pride of not crying for a long time was burned down.
“Liyah.” He said, tucking my strands of hair on the back of my ears. “You can tell me about it. It’s all right. I’m your friend. I’m here for you.”
“I don’t want or need to talk about it.” I admitted. I kept on crying as he helped me wipe away the tears.
“Okay.” He accepted calmly as he brushed my hair with his hand. Then, he stretched his arms around me. “Do you want a hug? You could pretend that you’re hugging him.”
“Huh?”
I stopped. I tried to process what he just said. I looked at him, and he was staying still. I thought it was a bad thing to hug him and think it was Alex, but I did. I closed my eyes and stretched my arms to hug him. I tried to feel what it could’ve felt if I was Winnie. My grasp around his body was first really awkward even though I tried to feel and think that it was Alex, but I held him tighter. My mind flew to the air again. That feeling was like when I lied my head on Alex’s shoulder. It got warmer not just because of the sweater I wore above my jacket but because of the feeling that I got when I started thinking it was Alex. I left my eyes closed, and a smile curved on my lip as I brush my hair on his chest. Nick held my head with one hand and rubbed my arm with his other hand. There were still waves of chills, but they came to me like just an autumn breeze. Something felt perfect, but in a way, something felt wrong. Maybe it was the fact that I felt Alex, but I couldn’t see him if had opened my eyes. Then, it all felt wrong. I thought I shouldn’t have used Nick just to feel Alex. Even if he just thought that was just friendship, it was still something I shouldn’t have done. My eyes burst quickly as I pulled myself back out of our grips.
“Wait.” I said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have done that to you.”
“It’s okay, Liyah.” He probably figured what I was trying to say, “I’m not trying to do anything sneaky. I just want you to feel better.”
“I know, and it worked. I feel so much better now. Thank you.” I explained and tried to shove a chuckle. “At least the crying stopped now.”
He chuckled back and said, “I’m glad you feel better.”
“Yeah,” I laughed; that time, for real. “I guess we should just talk about more casual stuff. This sentimental thing isn’t really something I can stand.”
“Okay,” he chuckled as he stood and sat down back again on the folding bed. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Well,” I paused and talked back again, “I would like to know the whereabouts of Laura.”
“Laura.” Nick repeated and laughed. “Well, first we went with the party and hung out with the few people we knew. That’s until we saw Harvey, trying to find Laura, so I let them be.”
“So, you don’t know where they are right now?”
“No, but we know who she’s with.”
“Okay.” I made a long pause again. Nick didn’t say anything either. It didn’t feel awkward anymore. I just held my hands together as I flew my sight around.
I heard a squirt sound, and I turned to see Nick. He opened one of the cans of soda and drank a sip. I felt like I needed a refreshment, too.
“Can I have one?” I reached my hand to him.
“Oh, okay.” He grabbed one and handed it to me. “Here.”
“Thank you.” I said as I opened the can and drank along with Nick.
We just stayed like that for some time, staring at the stars as we take small sips from that grape-flavored juice. It seemed a lot peaceful than ever. We let the evening breeze chill us in and stay. We didn’t care if it was warmer and crazier inside the mansion. To us, it was better to be in peace. I started to have thoughts about my dad again. Even if I hated my dad so much for leaving us, I still used dream of us being a family again. It was one of my lifetime dreams, to share a meal on a round table once more, family complete, no argument, no problems, no awkwardness or quietness, just laughter and enjoyment.
Why couldn’t life be more like the stars? They’re so peaceful and free, able to do whatever they want without anything getting in their way. We could go with the light at daytime and shine brightly in the time of darkness. I wish things were that simple, all we have to do is smile and sparkle like a shooting star.