017. Out in the Open
At Aquino High, getting the upper hand has been rooted into everyone.
For a few seconds we all just sit in silence. I run my fingers over the couch cushions, feeling the slightly rough fabric pressed against my nerve endings. None of the girls around me look like they know what to say, either—it's one thing to promise that we'll talk, that maybe things will change, but completely another to actually do anything.
My thoughts trace back to Taylor without my permission, how today's nightmare had started because I'd been selfish. I'm the one in the wrong, so it's up to me to speak first.
"I'm sorry," I finally manage, my hands falling still. They're the hardest two words to ever come out of my mouth. I never apologize; to me it feels like admitting weakness, to surrendering.
Brynn's hand presses more firmly on my shoulder, and her presence makes me feel better.
"I've been a terrible friend and a terrible sister." When Allison looks up at me her eyes are still watery, so I take a deep breath and continue. "All I've thought about is myself the last few weeks. Allison, I've felt threatened by you for years now and the stress from the end of the year and graduation has just been weighing on me even more. It's no excuse but it's true."
My eyes shift to Brynn. "I have to words to explain how sorry I am that you found out about Taylor the way you did. I shouldn't have even tried to convince myself that we could be together."
There they are—the tears that I'm so used to, falling hard and fast down my cheeks. They make my skin sticky and drip onto my lap, staining my jeans.
"I'm sorry, too," Allison pipes up. She too looks anxious about apologizing, but her eyes are open and genuine. "I've been terrible to you—to all of you."
"We let one event get in the way of all of our friendship," says Brynn. Her hand has dropped from my shoulder and now she's clenching her fingers together, wringing them and flexing them nervously. I can tell that she's thinking back to what happened last summer, to the moment she walked inside Taylor's room and saw him there. It must be hardest of all for her to move on, and yet she's the one who hasn't stooped to revenge or hate. I have no excuse.
"Why don't we just try to make up and move on?" Cassidy asks. "We used to all be so close, and look what happened. I mean, the guys have all managed to stay friends. Why can't we move past it, too?"
Tears start to fall down Allison's cheeks faster. "Because I did the unspeakable. Because Taylor wasn't just your boyfriend, Brynn. He's—he's related to me and I didn't even know it. Stepbrother, twin—I don't know how, but it doesn't matter. I can't get past the fact that I'm a monster."
"No, you're not!" I remember what Taylor told me earlier, what had fogged out of my memory when he'd started kissing me. "You aren't related to Taylor. I swear. His dad's first wife had an affair and had you. Then he remarried and had Taylor. You guys don't even have the same parents."
There's a spark in her eyes now. I try not to look at Brynn and Cassidy, afraid that if I see their shocked expressions I won't have the nerve to finish explaining. "Your mom—she must have given you up for adoption knowing that Taylor's dad wasn't yours. It sucks, but isn't it better than being related to Taylor?"
Chewing down on her lip, she says, "It depends on what way you look at it. On one hand, it makes sense. I mean, have you looked at Taylor and me lately? We're about polar opposites when it comes to appearance. But it means my mom was unfaithful, that she didn't even want me."
Now her fists are the ones that are clenched in her lap. She looks so small and weak with her gritted teeth, staring down at the carpet so she doesn't cry. Without even thinking, I slide off of the couch and sit down beside her, wrapping my arms around her.
"Now you know," I say. "That's what counts, right? And you have a great family now, and a sister who loves you. And Dad—come on. What more could you ask for?"
Suddenly she hiccups, her shoulders shaking. I think she's crying until she reaches out and hugs me, grinning from ear to ear. "I'm so relieved," she stutters as she grips my neck so tightly I think I'll choke. "You don't know how happy I am right now."
"Good." I pat her back and Cassidy sidles up beside us, trying to hug both of us as best she can. Glancing sideways, I see Brynn contemplating—it's one thing to suggest making up but another to actually do it. I know she's the one who has the most to hold against us.
To my relief though, she hops down from the couch, too, and then the four of us are hugging it out on the carpet. It feels cliché, like some sappy ending to a rom-com, but it's exactly what we all need.
"We're going to fix this," I say. "No more competition or pettiness. I'm breaking things off with Taylor. We're starting fresh—clean slate. Nothing's more important to me than my friends and family."
"Me neither," says Allison, and Brynn and Cassidy nod vehemently. For the first time since last summer we're all on the same page.
Thinking about Taylor makes me think about the Post-It notes on my locker. He's the one who started the sick system, and whether or not his intentions were good doesn't matter. I know for a fact that people are bullied: girls who have anything less than a five are harassed, and every Monday everyone is stressed over the fact that their ranking may have gone down. It has to stop, and if Mr. Denham won't act then who will?
"All of this judging and backstabbing has to end," I say, pulling away from our embrace. "Including the Post-It system."
"We can't get rid of that," Allison points out. "It would be all of the senior guys against us."
I shrug. "Other girls have to hate the system. And even if they don't, we can still take over it. Liam's a computer hacker—he can help us."
"Does he want to help us?" asks Brynn.
"Yes." Liam is loyal and he won't be able to turn down an opportunity to put his superhero skills to work. To him, it'll be just like a game. For us, there's a lot more at stake, but I'm confident we can win.
"They meet every Friday afternoon in the gym," says Cassidy. "So if we can just watch the meeting we can probably gain some info about what goes on."
"Not to mention we can figure out who's leaving ratings for who! Imagine how many secret crushes there are."
I glare at Allison, who quickly arranges her features to look contrite. I guess it's hard for all of us to remember not to focus on gossip and taking advantage of people. At Aquino High, getting the upper hand has been rooted into everyone for so long—but now, maybe things can finally change.
"We'll just sneak into that meeting," I say. "No biggie. We can record the whole session and then show it to the school board. We can bypass Mr. Denham—he clearly isn't worried about helping us."
Brynn chews down on her lip, contemplating. "What if we get caught? We need someone on the inside to make sure the tape gets recorded no matter what."
"Liam will probably help," Cassidy says. "He's still good friends with you, right Erika?"
I nod, but I worry about Liam. He's a little rash and not the most careful; one wrong move and he could get the recording confiscated and all of us in trouble. And if we get all of the senior guys angry, there's no way we won't suffer consequences.
"You guys do understand this is social suicide, right?" asks Allison. She's leaning with her back pressed against the couch, inspecting the tips of her nails one by one.
Rolling my eyes, I scoot closer to her and grab both her hands. "That's because we're undermining the social system," I say, excitement prickling at my skin like goosebumps. "There won't be any social ladder left to fall from by the time we're finished."
A month ago, the idea of there not being a social ladder anymore would have angered me, because then I wouldn't be at the top. I'd be pooled into the same category as everyone else—but maybe it's better that way. In an ideal world there would be none of this ruthless competition, and what better way to get rid of that than to eliminate motive?
"There will always be a social ladder," says Cassidy, adjusting her headband. "But at least this way, we can make it less obvious and less chauvinistic. Who gave the guys the right to decide who's cool and who isn't?"
"Preach," I say, holding out a hand for a high five. She giggles and slaps our palms together, and the sound is like a vow that solidifies our resolve. There's no turning back now.
"Well!" chirps Brynn, standing. "Now that that's over, who's ready for the sleepover?" Her gaze flickers over to Allison and she says quietly, "Of course you're welcome, too, Ali."
The familiar nickname catches Allison off guard, but she smiles and says, "Thanks. But I'm going to go over to Celia's and tell her what we've figured out. I know she'll be happy to help out."
She'll be happy to help out because she trails in my sister's shadow and won't want to lose that—but either way, it will be nice to have us all friends again. I never liked Celia that much, but she really doesn't mean any harm when it comes down to it.
After Allison packs an overnight bag and leaves, Cassidy, Brynn, and I head into the kitchen to figure out dinner. As the pull frozen pizza out from the freezer and read the cooking instructions, I text Taylor.
Really need to talk to you. Your place, 9AM tomorrow.
He replies with a thumbs-up and I take a deep breath before shoving my phone in my pocket. It'll be difficult to sever ties with him, especially since I know I'm not imagining the connection between us. But I've already seen what happens when someone picks a guy over a friend, and I'm not letting it happen again.
The three of us have an amazing night, and it's just like how things were last summer. Allison and Celia even join us around midnight, and though Celia is hesitant at first she soon slips right back into her old groove. I forgot how much I missed her radiant smile until she flashed it at every joke one of us made, throwing back her head so that her blonde curls bounced.
I woke up at eight in the morning with everyone else still sleeping, passed out on the living room floor in an assortment of pillows, blankets, and sleeping bags. Stepping over a bowl of popcorn sitting by Cassidy's outstretched hand, I head to my room to get ready. My hands are shaking, and for the first time I think that maybe I won't be able to go through with this. Maybe my feelings for Taylor are too strong to let go.
No. Maybe that's what Allison had thought as she'd crept into Taylor's room that night at the beach. I wouldn't let that happen to me.
I slide into shorts and a t-shirt before brushing through my hair and starting on my makeup. Applying my mascara soothes me, and my quivering hands die down as I coat on that and then my eyeliner. I let myself lapse into the comfort that routine provides as I finish my makeup, brush my teeth, and head out.
It's a short drive to Taylor's, and I'm there at 8:45. For a few minutes I sit in his driveway, tapping my fingers on the wheel and taking calming breaths. Again, I contemplate backing out. My hands hover over the gears in my car, planning on shifting it to reverse and going back home, but at the last second I shove my keys into my purse and open the door.
Taylor opens the front door mere seconds after I ring the doorbell, and I'm taken aback when I look at him. I've tried not the think about how amazing he looks, especially in the context of how we'd been just yesterday, so close together that I could feel his heartbeat against mine. I want that back, but know that I can't have it.
"Hi," I manage, stepping over the threshold. My sneakers come in contact with the marble floor and I shut my eyes, composing myself.
"You don't look like you feel well," Taylor is saying, his voice barely reaching my ears. "Everything okay?"
His hand comes in contact with my shoulder, and that small bit of contact is enough to make me want to never say what I know I have to say.
"Listen," I breathe, turning so that I'm facing him straight-on. "I can't do this. Me, you—it's not okay. You've hurt some people that I'm very close to and I know you probably have great intentions, but to be with you would be to betray them."
Those dark eyes transfix me. "Probably? You say I probably have good intentions? Come on, Erika. You know how I feel about you."
I keep my feet rooted on the ground, not daring to take a step either towards or away from him.
"You're telling me you're going to pick your friends over me? Don't you feel what we have? I feel like I'm on steroids whenever I'm next to you."
"Maybe that's not a good thing," I say quietly, tucking a piece of hair behind my ear. I open my mouth to say something else but before I can get the words out his lips crush against mine. I know he's trying to prove to me just how much chemistry there is, but the more I think about what I have to do the less I find myself enjoying the kiss. My hands come down on his chest and I push him firmly away, trying to ignore the hard muscles beneath his shirt.
"I'm serious, Taylor," I insist, locking eyes with him.
"Erika, seriously?" His voice cracks. "I love you. I love you, Erika. You're going to do this to me?"
There they are again—those stupid tears. I've cried more over the past few days then I ever want to cry for the rest of my life, but I can't seem to fight them away. They're always guaranteed to weaken me anytime I'm faced with conflict, anytime my emotions are so strong that I don't know what to do.
"Don't you see?" he asks. His hand comes up and presses lightly against my cheek, his thumb rubbing against my lower lip. "You don't want to do this, either. I love you."
"You don't know what love is. You told Brynn you loved her, over and over. Look what you did to her. You don't treat someone you love like that."
He squeezes his eyes shut, wrinkling his eyebrows. "I love you so much that I would do anything for you. Tell me what I have to do to get you to stay."
He's wiping away my tears with his fingers, tracing the contours of my face. I have to be firm and strong. "I love my friends," I say. "And I'd do anything for them—even if that means staying away from you."
"Erika—"
"I'm leaving, Taylor." I force the words to come out without wavering before I turn around. "I'll see you at school."
I've almost twisted the doorknob before his hand grabs my arm and he whirls me back around to face me. "You can't do this," he growls. "Tell me you're not doing this."
"I am." I struggle against his grasp but he's got me pinned; his other hand wrenches mine from the doorknob. "Taylor, let me go."
He doesn't say anything, just stares at me with wide, desperate eyes, so I try to yank away again. "Let me go."
For a second I think he'll fight me, or throw me over his shoulders kicking and screaming. But in an instant the look is gone. He drops my arms so suddenly that it's as if he suddenly can't bear touching me anymore and turns away from me. "Get out," he says, running his hand through his hair. "But mark my words, Erika Soto. You will regret this."
"I know," I murmur, trying the doorknob a second time. This time I get it open and step out onto the porch, swiping away at the last few tears on my cheeks. I look back at him again and see that he's still facing away from me, his dark hair spiked up so that he looks untamed. He's dangerous: always has been, always will be. I'd thought I'd be able to contain that, but I can't. Maybe nobody can.
As I drive away I tell myself over and over again that I'm doing this for the best. So that I don't hurt Brynn, and so that I never get my heart shredded to pieces like she did. So I can fight against the system he's instated, the one that goes against everything I believe. So I can have a chance at mending the friendships I've lost and bringing things back, as much as I can, to the way they were before any of this happened.
I don't let myself look back at Taylor's house until I'm at the corner, but the slope of the road means I can't even see it at all. I feel like I've been denied that one last glance that I need for closure, and that enough makes me slam my palm on the wheel. Another tear drips down my face as I press my foot on the gas and whip around the turn.
As much as I tell myself that this is for the best, deep inside I don't feel that way at all.
A/N: Who's your ultimate ship & why?
Thanks so much for reading! :)