I wave and wave until my arm hurts as the train leaves the District 12 platform. The second the train leaves I drop my smile and feel my cheeks ache from plastering a smile on my face for so long. I miss them already, but at the same time I can't deny that a small part of me feels a great deal of relief after waving my last goodbye to the flashbacks and memories they bring for just for a while.
It's been a week since Peeta asked me about having kids. The idea still makes me shudder and that will probably never change. I refuse to bring a child into my cursed arms. I won't let it happen. He hasn't brought it up since that night a week ago and I'm hoping he won't ever. I don't think I will ever change my mind. At the same time a small nagging part of me makes me want to agree to it for his sake. This is the one thing Peeta has ever really requested from me. Peeta, all give and no take, has helped me through so much, been here for me through absolute thick and thin, has never asked for anything more. That small nagging part of me wants to give the man of my life the only thing he's ever asked from me. If sounds like we're married sometimes and I think of him sometimes as if he was.
I have a sudden dawning thought, it's been nearly ten years now and we aren't even married. My mother would be shocked if she was here. She followed traditional beliefs pretty much her whole life, she lived with her family until she met my father, they went off to live together in a little house in the Seam, got married, had me, then Prim. Their life was every bit traditional (as much as the Capitol allowed) and I think she hoped I would follow that too.
I doubt she's even thought about me once since she left. I bet she's adamant on leaving this part of her life behind her. I don't blame her. Her first child is nothing but a tragic animal and her innocent beautiful youngest was murdered in the older's wake. How could she love me?
Peeta's hand firmly grasping mine brings me back as he leads me back inside the house, switches on the tv and leaves me on the couch as he makes lunch. I sit, absentmindedly gazing at the flickering colours emitted from the screen before he nudges me with food and a kiss.
"I'm just going into town to get some food and liquor for Haymitch, I'll be back in an hour, okay?" I nod and he leaves a long kiss on my forehead,
leaving a feeling that lingers on my skin long after he closes the door behind him.
I watch the clock tick for 30 seconds before I'm driven mad by waiting with my head spinning like wild about Peeta's question. I get up with a sudden burst of energy and leave a note on the counter telling Peeta where I've gone before I dash out the house with my bow and arrow. I think clearest in these woods, the cool breeze clearing my brain, the sweet smells sharpening my senses.
By the time I'm walking back into the square the sun is beginning to set, the district is heading home for dinner with their families and I have come to my final decision. I'm startled by a small childlike wail coming from Haymitch's house and, on instinct, I sprint to his house and barge through the front door to find Effie crying into Haymitch's shirt as Peeta pours her a glass of wine. Mascara is smeared in dramatic black streaks down her face. Haymitch strokes her hair awkwardly as if he isn't quite sure what else to do. I catch Peeta's eye and he comes over to update me on what the hell is going on.
"Effie's boyfriend broke up with her." I almost snort not surprised by that absolute arsehole but am stopped short when I see Peeta's face.
His pupils are dilated so much that the blue is almost lost, and what little blue left is barely blue, more a deep cloudy grey. His face is as white as a sheet, huge bruise looking bags sitting under his eyes and his muscles are tort under his dirt covered shirt.
"Flashback?" He shakes his head.
"I'll explain later."
"Are you alright-"
But before Peeta can answer the room goes completely silent as Effie seems to notice my presence and wipes her tears away as if embarrassed that I saw her so emotional, straightens up and away from Haymitch who looks upset by being pushed away for a split second before setting his face back to his normal sullen expression.
"Peeta told me what happened Effie I'm so sorry," I say in my most sincere voice and I walk forward to hug her.
"It's okay," she says, her voice hoarse, "he was a arse anyway."
Silence rings through the room again at the shock of hearing Effie Trinket swear, even she seems shocked. She bursts into tears again on my shoulder this time and I stand rigid not quite sure what to do. Haymitch rushes forward to stroke her hair again and like a child she detaches herself from me and back onto Haymitch.
I got this he mouths at me and gestures at Peeta who looks like his about to either pass out or lash out. I nod at Haymitch and give him the thumbs up and help Peeta back over to our house.
We collapse onto the couch and he describes his entire day to me.
"I was just walking to the store, like I said I was going to, and on the way there I saw some people crowded around the lump of our old oven near the town square. So I went over to see what was going on and they had shovels and were digging up the rubble and levelling the ground to rebuild. One of my old friends from school, Steffen was there and he told me they were rebuilding the bakery. I didn't tell you about it but a couple of days ago they sent me a letter asking me if I would mind if they rebuilt and of course I said that was fine but I didn't realise they'd be starting so soon and I haven't prepared myself to see my home again without my family." His voice cracks and he lets his head fall into his hands tightly clasped in fists and he pulls furiously at his hair groaning painfully through gritted teeth.
"I'm going insane Katniss I can't do this you need to go. I'm gonna snap and I don't want to hurt you." He rocks anxiously back and forth as he sits on the couch.
"I trust you Peeta," I coo, "I know you won't hurt me. You can get through this. And I'm always here to help you."
I pull his fists firmly from his hair and onto my lap, massaging his hands gently until his muscles loosen and release and place my hand at the base of his jaw, guiding him slowly closer until our lips touch. He deepens the kiss, his lips moving with mine passionately. His fists move from my lap to my hair, fingers tangling in the maze of black moving down my back until his hands reach my waist. He slides me closer to him and I shudder.
Once again, the fire is arisen, setting my veins alight, begging for more, needing more. . . But I can't lead Peeta on like that. I've made my decision and I must stick to it at least until we properly talk about it. I break the kiss feigning a need for air when really I could have gone on for much longer and our foreheads touch. His blue eyes I could never get tired of gaze into mine with so much pure raw emotion and passion, so much that if I were standing, I'm sure it would have knocked me right off my feet.
"I don't know where I'd be without you Katniss. You're the one reason I'm still here." I'm the one reason that he has flashbacks, the one reason his family is dead, the one reason he is so destroyed that he needs a reason to stay alive. But his words replicate my feelings for him.
As per usual in our relationship, Peeta's good with words and I'm better at showing my feelings in other ways. I kiss him softly one more time before guiding him up off the couch and to bed. He slumps his weight on me as we journey upstairs, the weight of his emotions finally crashing down on him leaving him exhausted. I guide his weight off me and gently onto the bed and he groans quietly in pain grabbing his leg. Sometimes after long days of walking through the town or the forest the muscles in his leg above where his prosthetic and real leg meet get tired and cause pain for Peeta. I guess all of the work down at the bakery today was hard on his leg.
I gently pull the prosthetic off and turn around to put it up against the wall. By the time I turn around he is fast asleep, softly snoring, the tracks of tears still glistening along his face. Smiling sadly I kiss his forehead gently so as not to wake him and pull the covers up over his shoulders. I open the window slightly just as he likes, turn off the lamps and fall into bed.
I stare as he sleeps, drying his cheeks and then brushing my fingers through his golden hair. He looks so small in sleep, his body usually tall and strong in stature reduced to a ball as he lays in foetal position, his hands I imagine tightened in fists under his pillow, ready to fight the nightmares to come and his eyes are crinkled in pain, so much so that I worry I may never again have the blessing to see those gorgeous blue oceans. How can someone so big in stature and so full of emotions and stories look so small?
In his sleep he cuddles into me, his head resting on his chest under my chin. After long dragging moments off stewing in guilt and my head spinning at the the thought of the future and possibility of a family for me and Peeta, I finally submerge myself in the sinister waters of sleep.
Hi agaaaiinn
Will admit this is a shitty half hearted barely edited attempt at a chapter but just wanted to publish one and hopefully get a flow of uploads going again. Thank you for all of your amazingly kind and positive comments while I've been gone, your guys comments is what keeps me going! Love y'all heaps xx