After the dreadful meeting with Chapman, Melissa and I ended up at a bar in downtown Los Angeles. I was palming my drink and watching the condensation roll down the glass while wondering how I had ended up here. How could my life spiral so much out of control in such a short amount of time? I knew I was thinking too much on it because I was tipsy and with no entertainment. Melissa was quiet next to me, granting me silence I no longer desired. Usually I would've hated her talking to me about these things but right now I needed her to distract me.
But instead she just stared. It was beginning to annoy me because I understood it was out of fear of ripping my wounds back open. She was pitying me and the thought alone was enough to provoke me to break the silence.
"Why are you always staring at me? It makes me more anxious than my dad," I confessed, taking a large sip from my drink.
"Is that a compliment or an insult?" she asked.
"I don't even know."
I heard her take a deep breath. "I don't mean to," she paused. "I just... you worry me."
"I worry you," I repeated. A mocking smile spread on my lips. Did I worry everyone nowadays? I was a walking disaster. My whole life revolved around bad decisions that were fueled by horrible events that had happened in my childhood. I took another sip. "I apologize for becoming a burden then."
"You're not a burden, Alexa," she admitted.
All I did was shake my head. In all honesty, that's exactly what I felt like now. I had been a burden to my father, who had to fake my death to do his job right. I was always the obstacle between mom and her next drink before rehab. Derik probably thought the same when he took in a kid and her sister he didn't know because he felt obligated when my father saved his life. I was nothing but a burden, and it was no different sitting here being babysat by Melissa.
"My dad... he died when I was almost sixteen," she began. Why was she confessing this? "He had been on his last deployment actually, and had promised me he would be back for my birthday."
The tone of her voice almost made me believe her dad wasn't dead. She talked about him like he was still alive, like she still went home every night and kissed him on the forehead while he watched his favorite TV shows. It broke my heart, because that meant she wasn't quite over it. But how was anyone ever supposed to accept such a thing? The death of a family member would cripple me. I was sure of it.
"I'm sorry," I answered.
"I just want you to know a bit about me," she continued. "And to know that it's normal to feel the way you feel. It's normal to feel Alexa. You're only human."
"I know what I feel is normal," I said. "I just don't want to feel it at all."
"Why?"
"Because it makes me weak."
A lump formed in my throat then. I sipped more of my drink to wash it down but that didn't work. Nothing really ever worked.
"You can't be strong all the time." I watched Melissa shift in her seat from my peripheral vision. "That's impossible."
I couldn't accept that answer. Being strong had become necessary of me the day my father walked out because my mother couldn't. And I wouldn't allow my walls to crumble now. Not after years of holding not only myself together, but my family as well.
"I don't have a choice," I answered after sipping the last of my drink. Maybe I should slow down.
Breaking so close to the finish line would ruin everything. Tomorrow night I would be the one going into the highly restricted section of the Bureau with Melissa. A weak mind meant weak judgement, and that would only put us in danger.
After a few more rounds and a few hours Melissa and I ordered food. It was a little bland but we were so drunk and hungry that we didn't care. I knew it was a bad idea to get so drunk the night before our job but I couldn't seem to help myself. Everything hurt. Everything ached. And if getting drunk helped then I was going to accept any help I could get.
But eventually Melissa was tugging on my hand. "We should go. Our cab's here."
I nodded, following her outside while regaining my balance. Yeah, this had been a really bad idea. When had I gotten this drunk?
Melissa looked over to me. "How are you feeling?"
"I'm great," I lied.
"Liar. You're really drunk."
"No I'm not."
"Yes." She laughed, "You are."
The ride back to her place wasn't long at all, and soon she was fumbling with her keys at the front door. It was dark and she couldn't see.
I peered over her shoulder. "Need help?"
"No," she denied. Then she dropped her keys and mumbled a profanity while searching for them through the dark.
"You're just as stubborn as me when it comes to help," I teased.
I knelt down and helped her, finding them instantly. Suddenly I couldn't stop laughing as she shined the light from her phone onto my hands.
"What are you laughing at?" she asked.
"How drunk we both are. Which key is it?"
"The silver one."
I shoved the key into the lock and let myself in. The air conditioning kissed my skin and I inhaled a breath of relief. I heard Melissa locking the door behind me.
"You know, getting drunk the night before our last job is pretty stupid," I claimed.
She crossed her arms. "Yeah well, if I hadn't gotten you drunk you probably would've combusted from anxiety."
She took my hand and led me to the kitchen, then handed me a bottle of water and a few painkillers. I took them willingly and kept her company while we attempted to sober up.
How was it that Melissa could make my world stop spinning when everything felt so out of control? Why her of all people? Hell, I hadn't even liked her when we first met. Now I couldn't stop thinking about her. Or looking at her. Or wanting to kiss her.
Before I could think any more embarrassing thoughts she grabbed my hand again. "Come," she ordered, leading me over to her bathroom. She rummaged through a drawer and found a few spare toothbrushes, then handed one to me.
I couldn't hold my tongue. "You must have guests over often."
The look on her face indicated I had hit a nerve, but she didn't say anything. "I'll wait till you're done," she answered. Then left me.
I got ready for bed and wondered why she had become so defensive. It was only a joke. Wasn't it? I wasn't trying to pry... or maybe I was.
When I exited the bathroom there was a pair of shorts and a t-shirt sitting on the edge of her bed. Melissa walked past me and went into her bathroom. I began to strip and change, aware that the door was open and I could feel eyes on my back. But turning around to prove my assumptions were right would only make things awkward.
And then I ended up in her bed, tucked under her sheets that smelt so much like her. What the hell was I doing? I felt no control over my body or my actions. But if she didn't want me in her bed all she had to do was say so and I would leave. I had a feeling she wouldn't.
She walked towards her bed. "Guess the couch got old quick."
"My neck is still stiff," I teased, watching her watch me from the edge of her bed. What was she waiting for? Was she nervous? I sure as hell was.
She finally joined me, pulling herself under the covers. Her bed was smaller than the last one we had shared, which meant we would be close. I didn't seem to mind.
"And for your information," she started, "No. I don't have guests over often."
I stared at her through the dim light. "You know I was joking, right?"
I was telling the truth, wasn't I? I mean, I didn't like the idea of Melissa bringing random people here for one night and never seeing them again. I also didn't like the idea of Melissa bringing anyone here on the regular either. But jealousy wasn't something I was used to feeling, I just knew I was feeling it for her.
"When's the last time you've had a real relationship?"
"You'd laugh if I told you," she answered.
"I bet it's been longer for me."
"Doubt it," she held back. Did she want to tell me? Did she want me to just shut up and go to sleep? I didn't know.
"Wanna bet?"
Then she shook her head. "Two years," she confessed. "I had been moving around and ended up in Florida. That's where I met her."
Her. That's where she had met her. I tried not to show my gratitude.
"How'd you meet?" I asked.
"She was a lifeguard. I was wasted at the beach with a few friends and nearly drowned. The waves had been over my head that day."
I couldn't help but laugh at the story. "Wow. Very cliché."
She finally stopped staring at the ceiling and looked at me. "What about you?"
"Almost four years," I confessed. "I had been with her in high school but when I dropped out she left me."
The look on Melissa's face made me uneasy. Was it disappointment? I shouldn't be surprised if it was.
"You never graduated?"
I shook my head. "I was trying to support a family. Mom was becoming an alcoholic and lost her job. Anna needed someone there for her. I was bouncing back and forth with jobs but the bills were killing me. School was just getting in the way."
Up until now we hadn't really known much about each other. I was always slightly embarrassed not to have my diploma, but I had never gotten around to finishing. I could online but at this point, why bother? And at the time of dropping out I had no idea about the impact it would all have.
"Well," Melissa was facing me. "I guess you did win."
Suddenly the urge to kiss her was back. The tension I hadn't felt in a long time was there and threatening to pull me closer to her. She wasn't turning away. She wasn't breaking eye contact. And I swore she had moved closer to me. Was I just delusional?
Before I could make a move one of her hands grazed my cheek, and then laced into my hair. She gently pulled my face into hers. My own hands found her waist. I took in her smell as our lips connected. She tasted like toothpaste. Her skin was soft and warm as her legs tangled with mine.
But I refused to overthink like I normally did.By now I just wanted to feelsomething other than pain and regret. So I let go, and decided I would dealwith the consequences of our actions tomorrow morning.
* * *
When my eyes opened there was a moment of silence in my head. Of course, it didn't last long because I was met with the sensation of soft sheets grazing my bare skin. This resulted in memories of last night to break the mental dam I had built, allowing them to flood in mercilessly.
I lifted my hand and ran it through my hair. What had I done?
I looked over and saw Melissa. Her bare back was softly hinting out of the covers, her face turned away from me. Her body was rising and falling softly, which meant she was still asleep. I found myself entranced at the way the morning light danced off of her skin. Her brown hair was golden from the sun's rays. Last night was a mistake, but it didn't feel like that looking at her now.
But I knew I should go. I had been avoiding my problems and now it was time to face them. A talk with both Anna and Derik was needed, and I didn't really want to be here when Melissa woke up.
I quietly pulled myself out of bed and dressed, called a cab, and waited in Melissa's living room. Waiting for the cab felt like an eternity but she never walked out of her bedroom. For some reason I couldn't face her, but I wasn't sure why. Was it because I was ashamed? What we had done last night was a result of being drunk and vulnerable. And even when I had done this before it felt different with Melissa. It always felt different with her.
I made it home by ten and showered in an attempt to wash away all the horrible things I felt but it didn't work. After the shower I decided it was time to call Anna.
She answered on the fifth ring. "Hello?"
"I'm coming get you," I stated while jogging down the stairs.
"But Holly-"
"I don't care. We need to talk."
I knew the tone of my voice was stern, more than what Anna was used to. I always tried to be more of a sister than a parent but I needed her to stop arguing with me.
"Okay," she obliged.
I grabbed Derik's keys off of the counter and escaped out the door. I didn't feel ready to tell her the truth, but maybe I just needed to push myself. If I could talk to Anna, then that meant I could definitely talk to Derik later on.
I was at Holly's in no time, texting Anna to tell her I was here. When she stepped out of the house it looked as if she was still sleeping.
She took her place in the passenger seat. "What's going on? Am I in trouble?"
I shook my head. "No. But I've had enough of you avoiding me, so I have some things to tell you."
After I stopped at a red light I glanced over to her, the face of my father shining through Anna's more delicate features. I wondered if Anna remembered Raymond at all. She had been so young when he left, I doubted if she did.
"Is this about mom?" she asked.
"What about mom?"
"I don't know, I just felt like this was about her."
"It's about me," I confessed. Starting from the top was probably for the best. "It's about the weekend I disappeared."
I kept my eyes trained on the road, refusing to look over to her. Anna's gaze was locked on me like crosshairs. She knew what was coming. And I was terrified.
"It was you, wasn't it?" she whispered.
The air in the car was still. "What?"
"It was you that tried to rob that bank in San Diego."
She knew? Had she known all along?
"How did you know?" I questioned.
"Do you think I'm stupid?" she hissed. "It was all over the news. They said the heist ended in a high speed chase that resulted in a wreck. I mean, c'mon Alexa."
Okay she was mad. I figured that she had always known in the back of her mind but never wanted to accept it.
"We weren't supposed to get caught."
"Well, you're not in prison so that counts for something."
I took a deep breath. "The job was rigged for us to fail."
"By who?"
"An agent from the NIA."
Her eyes widened. "Are you serious?"
I just nodded. Suddenly this sounded more like an elaborate story I was making up rather than actual events that had happened.
She shifted to face me. "What did they want?"
"They were after Victoria. A woman we work with. Apparently she used to work for the agency the NIA was investigating, so they wanted her for information. All of us refused to lead them to her since she was the only one they hadn't caught. Then we were offered a job instead, and we ended up having to break into the GIB headquarters for them."
"The GIB?" Anna questioned.
"They're the U.S.'s foreign affairs team. They handle things involving other countries and stuff."
"Holy shit," she whispered.
"Anna!" I scolded.
"Sorry."
"Anyways," I continued, "Come to find out Chapman, the agent we've been working for, was investigating a connection between a drug cartel and the GIB. He believed someone was funding the cartel in exchange for information on other cartels. He was right, and we ended up busting them the other night up in Pasadena."
Anna mouth hung open. "That was you?"
"I helped. Along with Melissa, Derik and Willi."
We had contributed a lot to Chapman's success, but our payment would be a chance at freedom. I thought the trade was a fair deal.
"Wow," Anna mumbled. "So you're kind of like, a good guy now?"
Did this mean I was a good guy? I was more like a tainted hero. A rough start had clouded most of my better judgement, but because of it I had landed a job with Chapman. I had been offered a better life as a reward.
"I guess so," I answered.
Then I thought about our father, and how Anna had no idea that he was even alive. Should I tell her? She had the right to know he was here in Los Angeles and willing to come back into our lives... But was she ready? Was I ready?
"There's something else," I started, throwing Derik's car into park. We sat in the driveway of his house while I debated whether I should do this yet. Why was this always so hard?
"What?" Anna asked.
My hesitation allowed just enough time for Derik to walk outside and spot us in the driveway. This was a sign. I shouldn't tell Anna, at least not yet.
Derik's eyes switched between me and my sisters. "Alexa, we need to talk," he claimed.
I just nodded before looking at Anna. "I'll tell you the rest later."
"Since when is Derik mad at you?"
I took in a deep breath. "There's just a lot going on," I answered before stepping out of his car.
I watched Derik in the doorway, his demeanor changing when Anna approached him. He looked angry, but was that a hint of fear in his eyes? Was he afraid I had told Anna the truth?
I threw him back his keys. "Talk about what?"
"Tonight," he forced.
"What's tonight?" Anna asked.
I swore Derik was about to combust now that Anna seemed interested. The fact that he was so on edge about her knowing the truth let me know he cared about what she thought.
"Go inside," I ordered. "I'll tell you the rest after we talk."
Without lingering any more Anna dismissed herself into the house. The tension between me and Derik felt threatening, but there was nothing left to fear anymore. I knew the truth.
"What did you tell her?" he asked while folding his arms across his chest.
"Enough for her to trust me."
"Alexa... really?"
I mimicked his posture, crossing my own arms as well. Then I leaned against the hood of his car. After two days the pain was still pretty fresh. Never had I considered that Derik would ever lie to me, much less to the extent that he did with my father. He was the only one that had my complete trust, and now that it was gone... well, a part of me was broken.
"I trusted you..." I mumbled.
His dark eyes fell to the ground. Had this mistake hurt him like it hurt me? Did he care? I wanted to believe he did.
He shook his head. "I did what I had to do to protect you and Anna... Don't you see that? There were many times I wanted to tell you, but it wasn't my place."
"You were the one I relied on, Derik," I answered. "It wasn't mom or Willi. And it most certainly wasn't my father. I relied on you, and you should've told me."
"It as your dad's place to tell you the truth-"
"You were my dad!" I interrupted.
My heart was heavy. Where had all of this pain come from? For years I had been so good at hiding it. Now all of a sudden I was a walking time bomb threatening to explode.
Derik had been the one to watch over and provide for me and Anna. He had become my father whether he had intended to or not. Having the trust ripped away from someone like that was crippling.
I couldn't stand it any longer and attempted to push past him to go inside.
He grabbed my arm gently. "Don't... he whispered. Could he not look at me? "Come with me."
"Where?"
"Victoria's. She has something for us and asked to see you."
I knew arguing would be useless so I complied. Climbing back into his car I took my place in the passenger seat and remained silent while thinking about my previous outburst. I shouldn't have told him that. I shouldn't have called him my dad.
"Did you tell Anna about...?" his voice trailed off.
"No," I answered. "I couldn't tell her yet."
"You're waiting until after tonight?"
He was right about the waiting, but I wasn't sure how long I would do so. It was all too new to me, much less a fourteen-year-old. And how would Anna react to the news that her father, who had been absent for most of her life, had shown back up and confessed he had abandoned us for his job? The thought made me sick to my stomach.
"I'm waiting until it feels right."
Conversation died as we drove up to a house. It was secluded and dull, almost hidden in the plainness of the environment. This is where Victoria lived?
I followed Derik to the front door where he knocked in a weird manner, indicating it was him and not someone random. The next few seconds consisted of silence. Then the sound of a falling chain and the unlocking of dead bolts rang through the quiet.
The first and last time I had seen Victoria was right before my first bank score with Derik. He had introduced us and then I never saw again, that was up until now.
I had remembered her different, unless she had grown more gray over the past few years. She wasn't old, but she was getting frail with time. I'm sure the stress didn't help. Her thin pony-tail was mostly blonde, but was now mixed white. Crow's feet accompanied the edges of her pale brown eyes. She was a little shorter than me, but I imagined she had been taller back when she was young.
"Alexa," she greeted in a raspy tone.
"Victoria." I smiled, stepping into her house. "It's been a while."
"Unfortunately, yes," she answered. "But if Derik's plan works then I'll be able to come around more often."
She seemed so confident in our ability. What had Derik told her that she hadn't already known? Did she now know we've been working with the NIA against the GIB? Did she know Derik had almost involved her in all of the mess we had finally gotten out of?
I nodded. "It'll work."
A hopeful glimmer showed in her eyes. "I've made something that will get you into their system without you having to erase all their files. The section you and Melissa are going into is very restricted, but it's also the very place I used to work."
I grinned. This was music to my ears.
She sat at her desk and grabbed a key card. Then handed it to Derik. "This is for the informatics department. I've programmed it to get you in like it would with a worker."
Derik slipped the card into his pocket.
Then Victoria turned to me and handed over a similar card. "The computer you'll need to get to will be located in the back room where the main servers are. I've reprogrammed my old card to get you in." Next she handed me a device. "Once you turn on the computer plug this in and it'll decrypt the password setting. You'll be into the system within fifteen to thirty seconds."
"And deleting the files?" I asked.
"Total time will probably be about twenty minutes," Victoria answered. "But no one will be in the building so it'll be simple as can be."
I tried to calm down a bit.
Derik included. "Alexa we'll be alone in there. The GIB's employees are enjoying their days off due to Stanley's arrest. Don't worry."
That's what Chapman had told us, but who's to say no one would be lurking around? Things went bad all the time. I decided not to think about that now.
I nodded. "Okay."
Victoria touched my hand. "You'll be fine. I know you will."
She needed me to do this. She needed me to be strong and keep my head on straight. There was a lot at stake here, and I wouldn't be the one to mess it up this time.
"I think that's all we need," Derik concluded.
"I'll walk you two out," Victoria offered.
Seeing how Victoria had been living all these years gave me the motivation I needed to do this. This couldn't have been easy. But we were so close to freedom I could taste it. Victoria could taste it. And I wasn't letting her down.
Derik turned around. "Vic, I hope to see you around more after this." Then he left me to say my goodbyes.
Victoria gave me a wide grin. "Alexa, I want to thank you."
"For?"
"For protecting me."
She squeezed my hand. Derik had to have told her about everything we had gone through from day one. How Chapman had threatened us in trying to find her. How we had refused. How I had refused.
I nodded. "We protect family."
And with that we parted. I knew I would see her again later on down the road when all of this was behind us, but we still had tonight. If we succeeded it would be as if we had never had criminal records. Our slates would be crystal. They would have no traces... no information... nothing. It would be as if we never really existed at all.
After climbing back into Derik's car he pulled out of her driveway. "So, where'd you and Melissa go after the meeting yesterday?"
Melissa. Suddenly another wave of guilt crashed into me. She was probably awake wondering where I was and why I hadn't told her I was leaving. God, I had really messed up last night.
"A bar," I answered.
"Really?"
"Yea."
"So she got you drunk?" he continued.
"I guess you can say that."
"And you stayed the night again?"
I gave him an evil look. "What is this? An interrogation?"
He smirked. "Just lookin' out."
"You're not my dad, remember?" I joked. My laugh had been forced. Even though our bond had been severed it was still there. I couldn't deny that.
"That's not what you told me earlier," he answered, this time with a smile.
I decided not to answer.
"So," he changed the subject. "You and Melissa have gotten closer."
I rolled my eyes. "Please, don't start."
"Are you two a thing...?"
"No, Derik," I growled, but I secretly found his prying humorous.
"So nothing happened last night?"
"Nope," I lied.
"You sure?"
"Positive."
"Then what's that on your neck?"
Blood rushed to my face. I threw down the sun-visor and tried to find what he was talking about. There was nothing. Derik laughed next to me.
"You're such an ass," I answered.
He continued to laugh. "So something did happen!"
I remained silent, knowing I had been caught. Was I embarrassed? I wasn't sure. But he didn't know how guilty I felt about last night. He didn't know I believed it to be a mistake.
"Alexa."
"Shut up, Derik."
"Oh c'mon, I'm done. But seriously," he paused, "I think she really does like you."
"Sure," I replied a little to sarcastically.
I knew I liked Melissa, but I didn't know if she felt the same about me. It was likely she didn't and just made a bad judgement call last night. Besides, the last thing I needed was a girlfriend.
"Hey, don't be so negative," Derik demanded. "You'll never know if you don't ask."
"I'd rather stab myself in the eye."
"You're being dramatic."
We fell silent for a moment but it wasn't awkward anymore. I'd rather talk about anything else but Melissa because I knew Derik saw right through my facade. He knew I liked her.
But he didn't press the subject any further. Instead he just smiled to himself as we made it back home. I wanted to believe things would just go back to normal after tonight but it was so unlikely.
Yet, worrying about it would have to wait, because I had a job to prepare for.