Chapter Thirty-Four
I can feel myself trembling in fear. I know what's going to happen, but just because the mind knows what to expect it doesn't mean the body isn't frightened. They only give us enough drugs to be subdued, not enough to dull the pain or the mental and emotional trauma. Maybe that's part of their sick joke. Who knows with these sick people. Maybe they get a kick out of breaking us even more. I say us, but I don't even know if there are more girls. For all I know, I could be the only one. Despite how badly I've been treated, I want to be the only one. I don't want any other girls to go through everything I have been through.
This is the fourth time this guy has been in to see me and he has to be one of the worst. His clothes and hair suggest that he is a well kept man. He's very conscious of the way he looks and the way he carries himself, but he has to be one of the most sadistic people in the world. He always finds new ways to hurt me. Newer and sicker ways to torture my body and my mind. Is it even violation, if I'm considered a prostitute? I mean, that's what I am, isn't it? I don't fight; I can't fight, so it's not like it's against my will. My mind screams no, but my body doesn't react. I do nothing; I say nothing. I know that if I do either of those things, the treatment will be much, much worse. That's not the point though, is it? I'm guilty of feeding their urges, of making them think this is all ok. Because I don't fight, I'm just as bad as they are, if not worse.
I whimper slightly as he brings the blade closer to my skin, but I don't move. He must have heard me whimper, because he growls, “Be quiet! You know the rules!” He slaps me, hard, and my face turns away from him with the force of the blow. I bite my tongue to keep quiet as I feel the knife biting through my flesh. It's not an overly sharp knife, which causes more pain and it makes healing take longer. He uses the knife on the soft flesh on the inside of my thigh and on my abdomen. I dread to think how I look. I must have scars upon scars dotted all over my body. Shouldn't that make me repulsive to these people? I guess their animal instinct overpowers the need for my good looks. The pain is the only thing that keeps me in this reality. I want to escape to a nice place in my mind; somewhere with people who love me and won't do awful things to me, but I know that's not a sensible thing to do. I know that if my mind waivers then I could miss an order, and that would lead to an even worse punishment.
Just when I think the pain has dulled to a bearable level, he buries the point of the knife deep into the flesh on my thigh and twists it underneath the muscle. I scream in pain because even in my drugged state, the pain rips through me.
I wake up screaming, and I throw the bed clothes off me in a panic, searching for the blood. I scan my legs, feeling for the pain and the blood. My body is shaking out of fear and remembrance. I feel nauseous. I can feel the pain; I can feel and see the blood everywhere. I can almost taste the blood because the smell is lingering in the air.
“Dani?”
I jump and let out a scream. I'm still frantically searching for the source of the smell; that stench of blood.
“Dani? What's going on? What are you looking for?”
“It's got to be here somewhere... Help me find it... The smell is just unbearable...”
I'm frantically running my hands over my legs and I reach for the hem of my t-shirt to check my stomach, when I feel Eli's hands grab mine. I jump back in shock and fear, but his voice slowly brings me back to reality. I realize it's a nightmare; that it didn't just happen.
“Dani? Baby? Talk to me. What happened...”
“I can smell it. Can't you smell the blood?....”
He looks around the bed quickly, throwing the covers off the bed completely to scan the area. He sighs and whispers, “There's no blood, sweetheart. It was a nightmare.”
I let out a shaky breath, “It was so real. It's like it just happened. Are you sure...?”
“I'm sure. No one was in here. Just you and me. I promise I won't let anyone else in here.”
He's still holding onto my shaking hands and after the initial shock of him taking my hands has worn off, I don't feel so scared. In actual fact, his touch seems to make me feel more protected, safer.
He kneels on the floor and leans his upper body against my bed, not once letting my hands go.
“Dani, what happened? Talk to me...”
Before I can stop my mouth, it flies out. “He cut me... He cut me.... So much blood... Too much blood...”
I let out a sob and Eli holds me tight in his embrace. I feel him stroking my hair and whispering comforting things to me, but my brain is so fogged up at the moment, that I can't comprehend what he's saying. He just holds me until my sobs subside, trying to comfort me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eli's POV
My heart is pounding right now, like I think it's about to come out of my chest. Frantic doesn't even begin to describe how Dani was when she woke up. She was absolutely petrified, but she was wild, searching for something. At first I didn't know what to do, but when I saw her hands reaching for the hem of her shirt, ready to lift it, I knew I had to stop her. I knew she mustn't have realized I was in here and she would regret lifting her shirt. I don't want her to lose what shred of dignity she has.
I don't know what happened, I just know that she dreamed about someone cutting her. That's all I got out of her, which I guess is a start. She's really panicked though. She can even smell the blood. I know that your sense of smell sets off the strongest memories and they are the memories that live the longest. My heart aches for her, she can't seem to catch a break.
There's not much I can do or say, so I just hold Dani until she stops crying. I don't like feeling helpless, it's one of my flaws. I like things to be perfect, to be done properly, and if it's not, I like to fix it. I don't know how to fix this; I don't know how to fix Dani and it's tearing me apart. I don't know what to do for the best. I don't know what's going to help her or what's going to make it worse. I don't want her to think I think she's a lost cause, I just don't know what to do anymore. I know I have to talk about this with her, but there never seems to be a good time to bring it up. I mean, how do you tell someone you don't know how to help them without them losing all hope in you? I don't want Dani to think of me like that. I want her to see me as her protector, her strength. How can she see me like that if I tell her I can't help her?
I hear Dani mumble, “I need to shower...”
I release her slowly and say, “Ok. I'll just wait here until you get back.”
She nods nervously and grabs some clothes before going into the bathroom. Once I hear the door lock, I let out a deep sigh and rub my hands over my face as a few tears escape. I can't help but cry a little. My poor Dani is in so much pain and there's nothing I can do to remedy it. I just hope my dad can come up with something to help her and soon. Although, that's another conversation we're going to have to have sooner rather than later. I'm not looking forward to it, I can tell you that. I'm going to have to convince her somehow that she won't get addicted to the drugs he gives us. Yeah, that's going to go well I'm sure. You can sense the sarcasm hidden in there.
I wipe the remainder of my tears away and just shut my eyes, trying to let my body relax. I need to be calm when Dani walks back into the room. I need her to see that I'm strong for her. I don't know how long Dani is in the bathroom for, but when I hear the door open, I look up to see a cloud of steam float into the bedroom from the en suite. I see that Dani's skin is red and raw, probably from trying to scrub away the memories.
I sit up quickly and go to jump off the bed, when she whispers, “You can stay there. I'll just sit on the chair, sir.”
I sigh, “Baby, you need to try to get some more sleep...”
She sounds so broken when she quietly says, “How can I? I can't even close my eyes without trying to fight back those images. How can I sleep when I can smell all of the filth and blood?”
I guess now's as good a time as any to get this over with.
“Dani, you know my dad asked to train with me last night?”
She nods, but I see the confusion in her eyes.
“Well, training wasn't strictly all he wanted to do. He wanted to talk to me about you. No, no, no. Don't panic, don't panic... please. I didn't tell him anything specific. I just... he's my dad. He was in the Army and there's not really a way of saying no to him. He knew something was wrong, he knows something is wrong. He knew you took drugs. I didn't even mention it. He's the one who told me.”
“He knew?”
“Yes ma'am. He's very perceptive. He doesn't know the details, I wouldn't give him anything other than what we told the Cap. I didn't want to betray you, but we need his help Dani. I need his help with this.”
“Ok.”
I was expecting something more than that. I don't know if I was expecting an explosion, but I was definitely expecting more than an 'ok'. I eye her suspiciously, still not believing she's alright with this. “I'm sorry Dani. I couldn't lie to him. He knew before I even told him anything.”
“It's ok. He knows, there's nothing I can do about that.”
I've really messed up. She won't even look at me now. I feel rotten. My dad was right, I should have just kept it to myself. So I decide to tell her this.
“My dad said I shouldn't tell you that he knows, but I didn't want to lie to you. I know you'll know as soon as you see him again and I didn't want you to think I'd broken your trust and let you down, just like everyone else. I'm sorry, sweetheart, I really am.”
She looks shocked and she asks, “He wants me to go there again?”
My eyebrows knit together in confusion, and I ask, “Why wouldn't he?”
“You said he knows...”
“Yeah, he knows about the drugs; he knows it wasn't your fault. He knows you were in care and you have nightmares. He knows about your memory. But that's it...”
“He knows all of that and he still wants me to go back? He still thinks it's ok for you to be around me?”
“He hasn't got a choice in that matter. I'm a grown man and if I want to be with you, then I will. He has no say in that. He doesn't judge you. We've done things that people would judge us for as well. We're definitely not the ones who can point fingers. He likes you, you just have to give him a chance.”
“Ok.”
Now comes the sting in the tail.
“He's going to help us.”
“Help us?”
“Yeah. I needed his advice. I told him about your memory and the fact that you can't turn it off so the nightmares are always there. He's going to see what treatments are out there to help with that.”
“No, no, no. I can't have treatments...”
“You won't have to go to the hospital or anything. We can do it all here. I can't promise my dad won't have to come here, but he promised he won't make you go to the hospital. He can help us, Dani. I know he can. Don't you want to try to stop the nightmares? Don't you want to see if it's possible?”
“I know it's possible, Eli! But to do that I have to take drugs. Drugs Eli! I can't go back there. I can't!”
She clasps her hand over her mouth and she backs off, shaking. She's scared because I know she wouldn't raise her voice at me if she wasn't. “I'm not going to hit you, Dani. In fact, I'd prefer it if you shouted at me a bit more. I need to know what's on your mind; I need you to not be so guarded all the time. I told my dad you don't want to take drugs. He understands that and he said there's non addictive drugs out there. He wasn't worried about that...”
She looks at the floor as she whispers, “It's not just being addicted to the drugs, Eli.”
“Then what is it?”
“It's being addicted to the feeling they give me. They let me escape from my mind. I get addicted to that. I don't have to think when I'm on drugs. My brain is quiet, and that's something I desperately crave constantly. It's something I know I can never have naturally and as soon as I get a taste of it, then I won't want to come back from it. I won't want to be in reality and that scares me. It's not safe and it's not something I want to taste and then walk away from again. You don't know how hard it was...”
“No, I don't know how hard it was, but you've got me this time. What if I can make your reality better? What if I can make it something you want to come back to? What if we can come up with a plan with my dad?”
She looks extremely hesitant, so I continue, “Can we just see what he comes up with? Can you just keep an open mind until we know what he's got? We can do our research after he's given us our options and then make a decision. We can scrutinize everything he gives us and see what comes from that. What do you say?”
She thinks for a few minutes and then she says, “You keep an open mind. I'm not going to change my mind about the drugs. Not unless you give me enough good reasons.”
There's a tiny bit of hope there, I just have to make sure I argue my case extremely well.
I nod and say, “Ok. I just have to find something good enough that you won't be able to say no. I'm sure I can do that. Dani? I don't want you to think I'm forcing you into this. I'm not, I swear. I just want to help, but if you think the price is too high, you have to tell me. I wasn't here the first time so only you will know the consequences of the actions we take. If you think it's going to be too much for you to handle, you need to tell me. Ok?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. I feel better for telling you.”
“Thank you. No one has ever done that.”
“I don't want to lie to you. I want to protect you, of course, but I don't want you to think I'm lying. You need to rest. Lay down and I'll get back on the chair.”
She hesitates before climbing back onto the bed. I pick up the covers and place them back over her as she takes a deep breath. She looks away from me as she says, “Eli?”
“Yes baby?”
“Can you... just... sit with me for a minute... please?”
“Of course I can. I'll sit on the floor just here.”
I sit on the floor and rest my back against her bed. She turns onto her side and lays still. After a few moments, I feel her slowly reach her hand forward and she rests it on my shoulder. I try to contain my smile, but I don't know if I achieve it. I tentatively reach up and place my hand over hers and use my thumb to rub circles on the back of her hand. In a moment of not thinking clearly, I bring her hand up to my lips and place a chaste kiss on it. I feel her gasp, but she doesn't snatch it away. I think I just took her off guard more than scare her. I don't know what she's thinking, but I don't want to turn around to look. I think this moment is not so scary for her because there's no eye contact. However, the moment has a huge impact on me, and I'm sure her too. My heart is thumping in my chest and I swear Dani can hear it. I don't know how she does it, but she makes me feel things I've never felt before. I don't remember thinking anything else as sleep pulls me in.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
END of Eli's POV
Eli's asleep sitting next to my bed. My hand is still on his shoulder with his fingers entwined with mine. I'm afraid to move because I don't want to wake him up but I'm also afraid because I like the contact. Now, you might think that's a silly thing to be scared about, but you're not me. These things are scary for me. I don't like being touched, it brings back all the memories. And while he's holding my hand, I am fighting back memories, but I'm also trying to create new ones. Eli's touch is different. He's gentle and caring; something that no one has ever been with me. Well, except my parents and that doesn't really count.
I do believe that Eli is a good man, I'm just struggling with letting everything go. I know that I'm trying, but I also know I can't let my guard down completely. If I get hurt again, it'll totally ruin me. I'm just scared. There's not really another way to put it. I don't want to go through anything like I've been through already. I don't want to get hurt and I certainly don't want to have to face a relationship. That's something I can't deal with. And while Eli has never expressed any of those thoughts, it's only a matter of time before he either expresses them or he can't wait any more and he leaves.
But he's so careful with me. I mean, he kissed my hand, something that no one has done before. Not like that anyway. There was no hidden meaning, no sexual innuendo, no ulterior motive, just comfort. Like he was trying to convey his message through that one small gesture. My head is swirling with all of my thoughts and emotions, but I try to keep Eli's comfort at the front of my mind so I'm only thinking of that when I fall asleep.
I'm jolted awake quickly, trying to get a grip on reality. I see my room and I feel the air leave my lungs. I whisper, “It's ok, I'm ok. I'm home, it's ok.”
I feel a weight on my hand, and I instantly panic. I feel my breathing hitch and turn ragged. I hazard a glance at the reason my arm is restrained and the moment of panic quickly escalates when I see someone's back and their hand enclosing mine. A scream is just about to rip from my mouth when I hear them mumble, “Dani, it's just me. Calm down. It's only me...”
I let out a shaky breath as I whisper, “Eli?”
“Yes baby, it's just me.”
I exhale a deep and shaky breath, trying to calm my erratic heart beat. Eli cuts through my thoughts, “I'm sorry I scared you. I must have fallen asleep.”
“You must be stiff, sir.”
He slowly releases my hand and stretches his back before standing up. His lopsided grin tells me everything I need to know. He's stiff and sore, but I don't know if he'll admit that.
He chuckles, “Maybe a little, but it was worth it.”
He glances at his watch, something he never seems to take off, and he says, “Wow, it's 6am. You must have slept right through from 3am. Did you dream again?”
“A little. Not like the first one though.”
“That's good. I think I need to take a shower and work out some of these kinks. You going to rest some more?”
“No sir. I'll jump on the treadmill.”
He nods. I know he wants to ask me something, but he's battling with it. Eventually he asks, “You're not angry with me, are you?”
Angry? I'm confused. I must look it because he quickly explains, “For the whole thing with my dad? For scaring you this morning?”
“Oh! No sir, I'm not angry. I have no right to be angry.”
“Yes, yes you do. You have more right than anyone to be angry. And I wouldn't be shocked if you were angry with me. It would suck, but I'd understand.”
“No sir, I'm not angry. I just... I'm scared. I don't want anyone to know my past. It's not something I want broadcast.”
“I know, I understand that and I would never divulge the details. My dad just guessed the basics. His training is too good.”
“Must be where you get it from then. Although, I see your momma in you.”
“You do? I hope it's not because I'm feminine...”
I almost chuckle at that, a small smile touches my lips and I see Eli smile in return.
“No sir, it's not that. I see her in your cooking and in your caring nature. I also see how you don't give up on things.”
He chuckles again and he says, “Yeah, she's a persistent one, that's for sure.”
By the time I have finished on the treadmill and showered, Eli is washed up and he's just finished making oatmeal. We eat in silence for a little while and then he says, “Ash is stopping by to catch a ride with me to my parent's. He'll be here around 1.”
“Ok.”
“My Ma wants you to come and visit soon. She'll probably ask me about it today...”
I'm shocked. I honestly didn't think his parents would want me anywhere near them or their son.
“She doesn't know a thing, if that's what you're worried about.”
I decide not to voice my thoughts. I don't want Eli to think I think poorly of his folks. “No sir, I didn't think that.”
“If she invites us this week, are you up for going for dinner?”
I hesitate and then say, “Maybe.”
“Good enough for me. Are you sure you'll be ok while I'm gone?”
“Yes sir. I'm going to work on a computer program.”
“Really?”
“Yes sir. I'm trying to make the terror filtering an easier process. More stringent but less time consuming for the analysts.”
He chuckles a little, maybe in awe, I don't know. “That's so cool. I wouldn't even know where to begin.”
“Once you can read Binary, it's pretty much just a building process from there.”
“You read Binary?!”
“Er, yes?”
“Wow. That's amazing. Is there no end to your talent?”
“It's all about remembering. If I didn't have my memory then things would be a whole lot different...”
I continue in a mumble, “In more ways than one...”
He reaches for my hand, but I freeze and back off a little. I don't mean to; it's just a subconscious thing, but he snatches his hand away like I've just burnt him. I see the hurt in his eyes and I instantly regret my reaction.
“I'm sorry, Eli. I don't mean to hurt you...”
“I know you don't, it's ok. I just forget myself sometimes. I don't mean to scare you. I just want to comfort you.”
I run a shaky hand through my wet hair and nervously twist it around my fingers. I briefly wonder if I need to cut my hair, something I haven't done in a long time, and then Eli breaks my thoughts.
“Dani? Are you ok?”
I just blurt out, “I don't mean to do it, I promise!”
“Don't mean to do what?”
“Hurt you, get scared, everything...”
“I know you don't. And it's ok, I swear. I'm not going to lie to you and say it doesn't upset me, but I don't want you to feel bad because of it. I want you to do whatever you have to to protect yourself. I know it's all very daunting and scary for you. I completely understand that and it would be wrong of me to expect you to change straight away. I just want to be able to comfort you.”
“I'm trying, Eli. Really I am.”
“I know you are, and you're making progress. We'll get there, I promise.”
I bite back my response. One, because it's not polite and two, because I don't know what his reaction will be to it. I want to tell him to not make promises he can't keep, but I throw that thought away and just pick at my fingers.
Eli puts some music on while we clean up a bit and he watches some sport as I get to work on my computer program.
A/N: Next chapter will be dinner at Eli's parents with Ash. I think it's going to be interesting :) I'm going to try to get it uploaded before the weekend, but I can't make any promises. Life kind of gets in the way sometimes. I'd really appreciate it if you could recommend my story to your friends. It would mean a lot to me. Thanks for sticking with me guys, you're all awesome! :D