(STU's university page)
STU Stories
3 mins ⊙▽
Dear Goodbye Girl, PhD
I read your confession here yesterday. Kinilig ako. Haha. XD
I just want to tell you a few things, too.
Ten years ago, I was crazy for you even before you started sending me messages (and I started seenzoning it). Ikaw ang pinakamahirap iwasan sa lahat ng messages na dumaan sa messenger ko. Panay ang banta sa kin ni HL nun dahil bunso ka raw niya at super crush mo raw ako. Kaya kung sasamantalahin daw kita, kakatayin niya ko ng walang anestisya.
Gustong-gusto kitang samantalahin nun kahit na katayin ako ni HL. Hahahaha. XD
If I only liked you for your cuteness, I would've courted you without a care in the world. But I learned so much about you because of your brother. Nakakahawa yung pagmamahal niya sayo. Because of him, I saw who you really were.
You were young, then. A little tactless but a little insecure, too. A little spoiled but a little sad, too. Hindi ko namalayan kung pano kita minahal. Isang araw na lang, lagi na akong nakatingin sayo - kapag dadaan ka sa room namin para umirap, kapag kinukunan mo ko ng pictures without my consent (yes, I knew about it), kapag chini-check mo ko tuwing nandun kami ng trolls sa bahay nyo. Isang araw, alam ko na kung kailan ka nagmumukmok, kung kailan mababa ang grades mo, at kung kailan ka masaya. I always check your social media accounts to know how you've been doing. Kapag hindi ako makatiis, nagpi-fish kami ni JT ng info kay HL.
I didn't know how serious I was about you until your Dad came into the picture. Nung pahirapan na ang makita ka, nung lagi ka nang umiiyak, nung nakita kong nagrerebelde ka na, nakita ko rin sa sarili ko na ayoko ng lahat ng yun. Ayokong masaktan ka. Ayokong malayo ka sa family mo. Ayokong i-give up mo ang kahit na ano para sa kin. I wanted you beside me but I also wanted you happy. And I realized that to fulfill both things, it would take time.
This love pointed me to the direction I needed to heed. When I talked to Dad ten years ago and he asked me what I wanted to do with you and with my life, I couldn't answer him with confidence. I knew I love you but I didn't know what to do with my life. Paano kita maaalagaan kung hindi ko alam ang gusto kong gawin sa sarili ko? He said back then that love was only enough until the hard days came. Na kapag nagsimula na tayong magutom, maghabol ng pangarap, magsisi sa lumipas na oras, at lumingon sa nakaraan, matatabunan ang pagmamahal. He told me about his and Mom's story. How life was tougher because he chose to force his ways.
He coached me on what to do. I was thankful then, that you had a father like that. He may be the kind who's neck-high in expectations but he is also the kind who knows how to guide a person. Naisip ko nga noon, baka ibinigay ka sa kin para makilala ko ang Dad mo at maturuan ako kung saan ako dapat pumunta. My family is great but it isn't the kind who knows what I need when I need it.
I had an agreement with Dad to take Med for you and myself. I agreed to leave so we could both grow. But when I left, I left my heart with you. Alam ko na sumusugal ako sa walang kasiguruhan. Dahil pano kung isang araw, hindi mo na ko mahal? Pano kung isang araw, makakilala ka ng ibang lalaki? Pano kung isang araw, talunin ng galit yung pagmamahal mo para sa kin?
But I gambled. Iniisip ko nun, nasa likod ko naman ang family mo. I was praying that you wouldn't have a change of heart. I tried Med and was surprised when I realized that I didn't have to force myself to like it. I like it, maybe because I knew, it was something you were forced to take. O siguro kasi, Med din ang kinukuha ng trolls. O siguro kasi, nakita ko sa pag-aaral kung gaano kaganda yung advocacy ng course. Whatever it is, I like doing what I do. At tama ka, nag-neurosurgeon ako para walang kawala si Dad sa pagbibigay ng approval. Pero bukod dun, I pursued neurosurgery because I have the means and neurosurgeons were small in number in our country. Nahawa ako sa mga bukambibig ni MM about building mobile clinics and diagnostic centers in remote areas. (Do you love me more now? Haha.)
When we returned in the country after four years, I fought my way back into your life. Akala ko nun, ayaw mo na talaga sa kin. I realized na hindi mo nakuha yung message na pinadala ko kasama ng roses. I realized how much you would have hated me. And I couldn't blame you. I decided to win your Dad's approval and did something without telling you anything. It wasn't surprising if you wouldn't want me after all that. Kaso hindi ko kayang hanggang dun lang yung kwento natin. It doesn't matter to me if I did a lot of things for you. Alam kong sumugal ako sa hangin. Alam kong pwede akong matalo. Pero kahit alam ko, hindi ko matanggap. Akin ka lang. At kahit na anong taboy mo sa kin, alam kong mahal mo ko. Alam kong hindi mo ko makalimutan o kinalimutan. Alam ko, dahil lagi akong nakasunod sayo nung nasa Davis ka. Lagi akong nakabantay. Alam kong hinahanap mo pa rin ako. At alam ko kung gaano kita nasaktan sa loob ng mahabang panahon.
So I almost gave up when you told me that you wanted to stop all the pain and you wanted to forget me. Akala ko, tapos na talaga tayo run.
Kaya nang makita kita sa loob ng pad ko nang magpunta ka sa UCLA, I couldn't help but crossed the line. I wanted you mine. I wanted to secure my claim. And it looked like you wanted the same, too.
Binigyan kita ng singsing noon pero hindi tayo makapagpakasal kaagad. We had to wait again. And we did.
Ilang taon din akong laging kabado sa kung saan ka napapadpad. Ilang taon na nakontento sa video messages at video calls muna. I never give up on our someday. Alam ko, isang araw, hindi na natin kailangang maghiwalay nang matagal. Na uuwi tayo sa iisang bahay at matutulog ka sa tabi ko. Alam kong isang araw, pupunuin mo ng halaman ang backyard at ang greenhouse. At isang araw, makikita nating dalawa na sulit lahat ng paghihintay.
You asked me once, how certain I have been of my feelings for you to gamble for a chance. The answer has always been the same.
I love you everyday. Kung hanggang saan ako dadalhin ng nararamdaman ko para sayo, hindi ko sinukat. Ang alam ko lang, bawat araw, nagigising akong iniisip ka. At bawat gabi, natutulog akong masaya dahil mahal mo ko. When I realized that I love you, I wasn't thinking of an ending. I just accepted it as it is - a love I could not live without.
I love you, Miss. You are my first love - you are my only love. (#KiliginKaPlease)
Your Boy Bakod, MD