He arrived to the sound of screaming in the bedroom and he stripped himself of his coat and rushed up the stairs. "Harley!" he called out as he threw open the bedroom door.
"Puddin!" came her voice, and he found her now reclining in the bathtub with Ivy by her side and her feet propped onto both sides.
The Joker was speechless. He knew this day was coming, but the sudden reality of the present made him realize that he wasn't ready to take all this in just yet. "I...what can I do?"
Ivy sneered. "You can go to hell, is what you can do..."
The Joker returned her look. "I'm sorry, Plant. You have something to say?"
"I have plenty of things to say!"
"Guys, please!" Harley screamed. "Can you just forget for a few hours that you hate each others' guts? I'm in immense pain here!"
"Harley," The Joker said, taking her hand. "Come on, you need to get in the bed."
"It's a mess, Pud," she panted. "My water broke there...I'm sorry, baby..."
"Don't worry about that," he said, calmly. "You don't need to be-"
"No! It hurts to move!" Harley sobbed and gripped his hand.
He growled quietly as he looked around. Finally, he shot up and threw open the linen cabinet and grabbed an armful of towels. "Harley, I'm gonna turn on the water..."
She took a deep breath and looked at him. "Huh?"
"It'll help the pain and be easier for the baby..." he quickly explained and turned on the faucet to let the warm water fill the tub.
Harley smiled wide at him. "Oh, Puddin'...you read my baby book?"
The Joker looked back at her and then cut a quick glance at the smug look on Ivy's face. He cleared his throat. "I skimmed a little bit..."
"Oh...baby..." Harley swooned lovingly, but was suddenly interrupted by another contraction.
An hour later, after he replenished the tub with more warm water, The Joker paced the bathroom as Ivy held Harley's hand. "Where the hell is the doctor?" he growled.
"He said...he'd be here soon, Puddin'..." Harley managed to gasp. "Oh, God...this hurts..." Her voice was becoming frail from her screaming and her tone was weak.
The Joker came to her and Harley looked up at him pitifully. "I can't do this..." she said meekly.
"Yes, you can..."
She shook her head as he chuckled. "Harl, you can kick asses of guys three times your size...and you're scared of a little baby?"
Minutes later, Dr. Stein entered the bathroom, his bags at his side. "Ok, I'm here, dahling. Where's the fire?" he said.
"I'm giving birth to it!" she yelled in both frustration and instant relief.
Dr. Stein laughed. "I never get tired of this job," he joked as he set his bags on the bathroom counter. He took a long glance at Harley's situation and he sighed. "So, a water birth, eh? This'll be a first for me, too, my dear."
He opened his medical bag and extracted his stethoscope. He placed it around his neck and then put on his gloves. "When did your contractions start?"
Harley thought a moment. "About three hours ago...they're getting closer, too, Doc..."
"Vonderful!" he exclaimed as he knelt beside the tub. "That means it's gonna happen real soon..."
"Oh, God," Harley moaned. "I can't do this..."
"Vell, it's a bit too late to back out now, my love," Dr. Stein chuckled as he checked her heartbeat. "Everything sounds okay; pulse is racing, but, hey, you're in labor, so vhatever."
Ivy raised a curious eyebrow at this peculiar fellow of a doctor, but she stayed silent as she moved to the wall on the other side of the bathroom.
"Now, most important, is the dilation..." he continued.
"The what?" The Joker interrupted.
"Of the vaginal canal..." the doctor said casually and continued to speak to Harley.
However, the words were drowned out by The Joker as he stared at the floor with wide eyes, but then with an inquisitive glance, he received a physical explanation of the doctor's prognosis. His head started to swim as he looked away suddenly.
"Papa?" came the doctor's voice. "Everything Kosher?"
The Joker quickly shook the dizziness from his head and sat with his right side against the tub as he watched Harley.
Another two hours passed and her breathing was getting deeper. The Joker had to drain the tub once again to put in more warm water, and the doctor had given her a gentle injection to help ease the pain that was throbbing in her back. Suddenly, in the still of the tense atmosphere of the bathroom, Harley exhaled a deep guttural moan that echoed off the tiles.
The Joker, who had been stripping the bed of the wet sheets and turning the mattress over, carefully crept to the bathroom door and peered around the corner. He met Harley's painful gaze and quipped, "Remind me to never do this to you again..."
Harley giggled weakly as Dr. Stein chuckled, but Ivy gave him a cold stare. "Lighten up, Plant," he said, not looking at her.
Before she could retort, Ivy was interrupted by Harley's loud cry. "Oh, God! I think...he's coming! Oh, God! I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared..."
The doctor went to examine her as The Joker rushed to her side where she gripped his hand. Dr. Stein clapped his hands together and announced, "I think you're right, mamele. You'll do fine, don't worry!"
He quickly shot up and went to his other bag, which was made of a thick dark plastic. He opened it and brought out a clear plastic bag that was even sturdier. "Papa," he said, gripping his surgical scissors that he grabbed from his medical bag. "Take these..."
The Joker creased a confused brow and asked, "Why?"
The doctor looked at him, amazed. "You wanna cut the umbilical cord, don't ya?"
"Um..."
"Course you do! The bag is for all the afterbirth; just hold it for me..."
The weariness returned to The Joker's head and he set both items beside him on the floor as he turned back to Harley who was now moaning deeply.
"Now," Dr. Stein began. "No pushing till I tell you. Many women think that in labor you do much pushing, but really it only takes about three or four, God willing."
The Joker felt the third wave of vertigo sweep over him, but he slowly lifted his eyes to Harley and came to a sudden realization.
"You've never looked more beautiful than you do now," he whispered to her.
Harley turned to him, surprised at his tone, and spouted new tears as she smiled at him and he leaned in and they shared a deep kiss before Harley suddenly pulled away with another painful moan.
"He's crowning, my sweet!" Dr. Stein announced, happily.
The Joker suddenly felt sick. His mind was going in different directions at once, but the death grip Harley had on his hand kept him upright.
"Give me one good push, dahling," the doctor instructed. "And...now!"
Harley groaned loudly as she pushed, gripping The Joker's hand tighter as she heard Ivy's encouraging voice. "Come on, girly. Hold tight!"
She stopped pushing and paused to catch her breath. "Good job, love!" Dr. Stein praised. "Another one...go!"
She felt like she pushed even harder and her head pounded through the pain as the pressure increased in her hips. Her groaning soon turned into a scream and she suddenly stopped. "I can't!" she cried.
The Joker leaned in and put his nose to her cheek. "You can, Harley," he urged her.
"No, no, no," she said, pitifully as she shook her head. "It hurts..."
"Harley," he whispered in her ear. "You've wanted this baby for a long time, right? I know you have..." She nodded and he grinned as he continued. "Right! You have! You've always bugged me about it, haven't you?"
She smiled as best as she could, but her tears got the better of her. She sniffed and whimpered, "Do you love me?" she whispered.
"Harley..."
"Puddin'...please..."
Dr. Stein quietly interrupted. "Okay, Miss Quinn. Just one more push...no backin' out now. He's almost here..."
She looked at The Joker and he smirked at her as he brushed a tendril of hair from her face. She turned back to the doctor and she nodded. Dr. Stein smiled. "Okay, dear. Ready? And...now!"
Harley struggled through her last, forceful push and she felt as if her head was going to explode from the pressure, until, suddenly she felt instant relief and stared straight ahead of her as she watched the doctor gently lift something from the water. She closed her eyes as she listened to the suction of a medical bulb and then the strong cry of her baby.
She let out a relieved sigh and sobbed joyfully as Dr. Stein lifted the baby to her view. "Say hello to your bouncing baby boy!"
"He's beautiful..." Harley said as she gazed at her still crying child.
The Joker stared at the sight in front of him. He tried to quickly determine the looks of the baby; did he have her eyes? His nose? Lips? They hadn't even decided on a name!
He was shaken out of his speechlessness by Dr. Stein's voice gently saying, "Go on, Papa. The kid can't be connected to Mama all his life."
The Joker realized what was happening and picked up the surgical scissors and the doctor marked the place on the umbilical cord. He carefully let the scissors' blades force themselves through the tough tissue of the cord, and, after a quick snicker, The Joker took another look at his newborn son...
...and fainted flat on his back on the bathroom floor.
"Puddin'!" Harley called, shocked. She had definitely never seen him do that before, and she looked from him to the doctor. "Oh my God!"
"Eh?" Dr. Stein asked, casually cleaning the baby and wrapping him in a thick towel, oblivious to what occurred. He then looked down at The Joker. "Oh, him? He'll be fine, sweetheart. All new Papas do that...I've seen it a million times."