"Are you ready to go home today?" Oli asked. I shrugged and sunk lower into my hospital bed. He frowed slightly as he rested his hand on my leg. I tried not to flintch, but he must have noticed anyway.
"What's wrong?" he whispered.
"Nothing. Are we leaving anytime soon?" I asked. I pulled my leg away and flipped the sheet off my legs. Oli said nothing as I ripped the sweats he had brought for me from his hands and slid into them. He stared at me again, not moving at all.
"What?" I asked. I quickly slid out of the hospital gown and into the shirt Oli had also brought for me.
"Something is different with you. You're snappy, grumpy, and you would rather be alone all the time. You didn't even want to say goodbye to Cassie and Jona," he said. I shrugged.
"I'm sure I'll see them agian in the future," I said. Oli sighed heavily and stood up. I pratically darted out the door, trying to avoid his grasp.
"Finally leaving?" the check out nurse said. I leaned against the counter and sighed heavily.
"Yes. I just want to get home," I said. She raised an eye brow at me, but said nothing more. Oli shuffled on past me to go wait in the car.
"Well, you're all set. However, Brodie, there are somethings I would like to inform you of before you leave. You will need to come back in to see us in about a month or so, just so we can check your progress with the baby. Also, there are some counseling groups the hospital has. You know, for survivors like you. You might want to pay them a visit. You're in a very sensitive state right now. Lots of emotions will over come you, sometimes at unwanted times. You don't want that. You need to be as stress free as possible. Talking in these groups will help. There are people like you there, people that want to help," she said. Every word she spoke only made me angrier. "You really should consider going, Brodie. You want to do all in your power to defeat this," she said. I slammed my fist down on the counter.
"Stop telling me what I need to do! What I need to do is get home and try to take care of this god damn baby!" I shouted. I grabbed my check out papers and stormed out the door to Oli's car. I opened the door and slammed it shut behind me, not even looking at Oli.
"Brod?" he asked quietly.
"Just drive!" I snapped. I crossed my arms and sunk down into the seat, trying to keep tears from falling.
We drove in silence back to the house. The air was thick with tension. As soon as Oli pulled up in the drive way, I hopped out and slammed the door shut, not even waiting for Oli to shut the car off.
The gang was all h anging out on the couches when I came in.
"You're home!" Matty shouted. He jumped up and pulled me into a big hug. I stiffened, but he didn't seem to notice.
"Matty, would you mind letting me go?" I asked quietly. His grip instantly released.
"What's wrong?" he asked. I brushed past him and headed up the stairs.
"Nothing. I'm going to bed," I said. I heard Oli come into the door, but I didn'y bother waiting for him.
Finally, I made it up to our room. I locked it so I would have to deal with Oli. I knew he was upset, but I didn't care. I didn't want anyone to care about me. I figured it would be easier if i just sidappeared for a while. I didn't want to be around anyone.
Oksar was curled up on the bed. I flopped down next to him and pulled the blankets up over my head. I felt him wiggle his way under the covers with me and curl up nex to my side. I sighed and stroked his tiny body.
"Oksar, what am I going to do? I don't even know if I want this baby. I hate myself so much right now. I can't even imagine loving something when I can't even love myself. And what will Oli think?" I whispered. As if to answer, Oskar gave my nose a tiny lick. I couldn't help but to smile. He was the only thing that I could stand to be around right now. Everyone else put me on edge. Even Cassie and Jona. Everyone made me uncomfortable.
I laid there with Oskar for a while. His soft snores made my eyes get heavy. I coudln't remember the last time I actually slept through the night. But I knew I coulnd't fight sleep any longer. I finaly let myself drift off, hoping that my ever present night mare wouldn't return.
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Arms. Arms wrapped tightly around me. Squeezing me. Crushing me.
"Help!" I cried as I jumped up. Oskar yelped as he went sailing to the other end of the bed.
"Brodie!" Ben shouted. I ripped the covers around me and whirrled around to face him.
"Ben! What the fuck are you doing in here!" I shouted. His face contorted in pain and confusion.
"Brod, it's me," he whispered. I only glared.
"I know who you are! I asked why are you in here!" I said.
"I came to see if you were okay," he said.
"I'm fine! Get out!" I said. Ben stoof up from the bed and glared at me.
"What the hell is your problem, Brodie. You don't say goodbye to either of your best friends, you won't talk to your boyfriend at all, and now you're yelling at me!" he spat.
"Doesn't anyone get it! I just want to be left alone!" I sceamed. Ben reached forward and grabbed my arm and yanked me forward. I tried to resist, but he only tugged harder. before I knew it, he was hugging me tightly and I was sobbing my eyes out.
"Brodie, what's going on. You can't keep everyone out, not now. It's only going to make things worse. You need to let us in," he said. He pulled me down to the floor with him. I curled up in his lap and sobbed heavly.
"I feel aweful. I don't even want to live anymore Ben. I feel like the dirtiest human being ever, like I'll never be clean again. Every time some one touches me, I just feel repulsed. I feel like an abomination to human beings. And no one gets it. Everyone wants to hold me and hug me and tell me it's okay, but it's really not. No one gets it. And I don't know what to do, or how to tell anyone that. So I'm shutting everyone out. It's easier," I sobbed. Ben hugged me tighter, much to my discontent.
"Brodie, you can't do that. You need us. And we need you to communicate with us. Shutting us out won't help at all. You should know that," he said. He stroked my hair softly.
"Ben, I'm pregnant," I wishpered. I heard him gasp slightly. He pulled my face up to look at him.
"Brodie- you're-"
"Pregnant," I said agian. He sat in silence for a few seconds. Then, carefully, he reached down and placed his hands on my stomach.
"Pregnant," he whispered. A faint smile creeped across his face.
"It's not a good thing Ben," I snapped. He rolled his eyes.
"How could it not be a good thing? There is a little you growing inside there," he said. His eyes sparkled with delight.
"Ben, I don't want it. I can't even love myself anymore. How am I supposed to love this thing?" I said. I pushed myself off his lap and walked over to the window seat. I plopped down and rested my head in my hand as I gazed out the window. I heard Ben get up and cross the room. His arm crept back around me as he pulled me back into his chest. I found myself a little more relaxed.
"Is it Oli's?" he whispered. I nodded. "Well then what's the problem?" he asked. I sighed heavily.
"I hate myself. How can I love something that comes from me?" I whispered.
"Because it's from you and Oli. I know you still love Oli. I can see it all over you. So you have nothing to worry about. Oli still loves you too. He doesn't blame you for what happened. I know he loves you very much, and he's going to love this baby too," Ben said. I only sobbed harder. "Look, I know things are rough right now. But you need to look past this. Things will get better, I promise. I know things are bad, but they will get better. I promise," he said.
"If you say so, Ben," I said.
"I do, Brod," he said.
"Can you do something for me at least?" I asked him quietly.
"What's that?"
"Don't tell Oli about the baby,"