~Kellin~
I'm not quite sure what he meant. I was kinda worried but I'm trying not to think about it. We are now sitting in our fourth and final class. Vic is sitting in the desk beside me drawing and he seemed so at peace with everything that has happened. I'm beginning to believe that he meant everything he said. Maybe he does actually love me somehow, I don't know. Are we even... together? I'm being so dumb, it doesn't even matter. Ugh, everything is too confusing! I thought staying with him would be less chaotic but I was, very clearly, wrong. Before him I didnt know that I even liked guys, now there's the idea that one might love me.
"You okay?" He whispered to me. I nodded and looked away. I can't do this. I think I'm going to go stay with Gabe for a bit to clear my head. But what if he doesn't let me or Gabe doesn't want me to. I'll be stuck. I started to panic again and I felt nauseous.
I rose my hand to ask the teacher to leave but after a few seconds of him not noticing me I got up and ran out of the room. As I reached the bathroom door, I gagged and then curled up to stop from getting sick. I couldn't move because I didn't want to puke in the hallway.
"You're okay." Vic picked me up and carried me to a stall. He ran his hand over my back and shoulders. I was basically just dry heaving now and it hurt really, really badly. I started whimpering at the pain in my throat and stomach. "Shh. Calm down." I was gasping for air but soon started to try to slow my breathing. He comforted me until I quit and then hugged me to him. "Do you want to just go home?"
"No. I'm not sick." I shook my head and then quickly stopped so the room would stop spinning. Vic put his hand on one of my cheeks to keep me from shaking my head again.
"Kellin you can barely move."
"I'll be fine. I've missed too much class anyways." I so badly wanted to go home and relax more but I didn't want to have to think about anything anymore than I already was. He sighed but nodded. I started to stand up but he put his hand on my shoulder to stop me.
"Please sit here for a little bit." I nodded and crawled into his lap. My body relaxed and I wasn't really thinking about anything. I just knew that my stomach and throat hurt, I felt like death and I was very, very cold. Vic's body heat warmed me slightly but my skin was cold still. I slipped my hand under his shirt and onto his stomach. "Are you cold?"
"Yes." I shivered and pushed myself closer to him. He took off his sweatshirt and draped it over my back. He rubbed the fabric over my skin and I felt slightly warmer.
"I get that the puking is from anxiety but I think you're getting sick." I shook my head and shivered again. "Okay. Whatever you say. Ready to go back to class?"
"Im... cold." I stuttered.
"One minute." He pulled away from me and took the jacket and sweatshirt off. The air hit my arms causing me shake. He curled around me slightly trying to keep me warmer as he turned the articles of clothing the right way. Taking the sweatshirt, he put arms through and then pulled it over my head. He added the jacket and I warmed slightly then smiled up at him.
"You're lips are purple." He whispered quietly.
"It's because I'm cold and anxious."
"Wait, so your lips turn purple when you're cold?"
"Yeah."
"And anxious?"
"Appearantly." He smirked and then pecked my lips. "Ew. Why?"
"Why not?"
"Uhhh, because I've been puking all day." I said in disgust as if it were obvious because, in a way, it was.
"And?"
"That's gross." He shrugged and kissed me again. "Ew." I hid my face in his chest and he laughed.
"Come on." He said, standing up.
"What?"
"Class..."
"Oh yeah!" I said, realizing that we were still at school. He laughed at me and helped me walk back to class. "Thank you." I mouthed to him as we sat back down in our seats. I layed my head down on the desk and faced him. He held up seven fingers and I looked at him in confusion before he tapped his wrist where a watch would be. Oh, seven minutes left. He smiled and continued to draw.
I was still watching him when the bell rang. I jumped and he looked at me before putting his book and pencils away. The teacher was still talking but it didnt seem like anyone was paying attention to him so he gave up and told us to do our homework. Everyone packed up and eventually ran out of the room with their friends.
When we got into the hallway I stood closer to Vic and he moved me in between him and the wall with an arm around my waist. All of the people scared me and I guess he caught on to it. I put my head on his shoulder then closed my eyes and just let him lead me out of the school to his and Mike's car. I hate people.
"Mike said he was getting a ride from a friend."
"Sounds kinky." I giggled. He shook his head and laughed. I walked to the passenger side and got in the car.
"Wanna play a game?" I asked as he sat down.
"It depends," he said cautiously. "Will I regret it?"
"Possibly... maybe. I don't know."
"Um... okay. What game?"
"20 questions.... kinda" he nodded and started the car.
"Seatbelt." I rolled my eyes but did as I was told.
"Birthday?" I asked.
"February 10th..." he said in confusion. "Are you literally just going to ask me random questions?"
"Yup. One, two." I held up two fingers. "Favorite movie?"
"Ummmm... Patch Adams, Nightmare Before Christmas, and Bridge to Terabithia."
"Wow... really?" He shrugged and drove out of the parking lot. "Okay... um, favorite color?"
"Red."
"Favorite dessert" I asked, holding up four fingers.
"Cupcakes." He smiled.
"What kind?"
"Red velvet or chocolate."
"Why not vanilla?"
"I don't do vanilla." He said seriously at first and then smiled when he saw my reaction. "Just kidding..."
"Well then. Number 7, favorite book?"
"Guitar notes." I looked at him in confusion. "It's about this guy who plays guitar in the band room of a school at lunch because his mom doesn't allow him to make music and that's all im going to say because when we get home im making you read it." He smiled widely and bounced slightly in his seat. He's adorable, in a dorky way of course. I smiled to myself. I continued to ask random questions, none of them which were of much importance. Then came number 20.
"And lastly, biggest fear?" We were sitting in the driveway, facing eachother.
"Um... as of right now?" I nodded. "You don't want to know that." He fake laughed and turned to face the steeringwheel.
"Always assuming things." I rolled my eyes.
"No. It involves you. You don't want to know."
"Yes I do..." he shook his head and got out of the car. We walked to the door and he grabbed his key to unlock it. He got the door unlocked and paused briefly.
"Losing you." He whispered quickly before stepping inside. I froze where I was but after a while continued walking.
"Why is that?"
"That was already 20. No more, it's my turn." He stated quickly.
"This isn't part of the game."
"Favorite color?" He asked and held up one finger.
"Vic, stop. Why is that your biggest fear?"
"It seems as though I haven't heard of that color."
"Please?" I was beginning to get irrirated. His answer was a big deal to me. Maybe if he told me why he, one of the best people I have ever met, wouldn't want to lose me; I thought, maybe, if I knew then I would start to want me too. There was a possibility because I was willing to listen to anything that others thought was important about me because, clearly, I didn't know of anything that was.
"Peach? Oh that's cool." He said, trying to make it seem like he misunderstood me but he said it too quickly for me to think he did.
"Just tell me." It was pissing me off that he wouldn't answer me.
"Because I've seen what happens when you get upset. It scares the living hell out of me. I wouldn't be able to bear it if i let something happen to you."
"Blue." I said as I grew uncomfortable.
"What?"
"My favorite color is blue. Next question."
"Okay... number one on your bucketlist?"
"I don't have one." He looked at me with a shocked expression.
"How?"
"I try not to think about dying, and when I do I don't really plan it out like that." He nodded and held up another finger.
"One place you want to visit?"
"I have two. The sunset strip and Warped tour." He smiled and looked down slightly.
"I went to Warped last year. Favorite person?"
"You."
"You could pick anyone in the world."
"Hmm..." I put my finger to my chin and acted like I was thinking about it. "You." I said again in a serious tone.
"Really?" I nodded. "Who else?"
"Axl Rose, Johnny Depp, and Robin Williams. They were all tied for second." I chuckled.
He went through a list of random questions and he paused before number 20 as if he was debating whether or not to ask it. I was laying with my head in his lap on his bed. He was sitting up against the wall.
"Its only fair to ask. What's your biggest fear?"
"That my mother is really dead." I looked up at him.
"Fair enough." His phone started playing a random song and he pushed a few buttons before it turned off. "Time to eat." He frowned. We had been eating at least once a day. I had chosen a specific time to eat everyday that way, once I got used to it, i would get hungry at the time if I forgot to eat. That time was appearantly now.
"Okay." I stood up and he followed me to the kitchen. "Do you have any rice?" He nodded and walked to a cabinet on the other side of the room. I thanked him as he handed me a bag of the grains.
"What are you making?" He leaned against the counter.
"Fried rice." I mixed eggs with salt and pepper in a bowl.
"Can you make me some?"
"Sure." I smiled. He usually just eats one thing a day and he's already eaten fruit and yogurt. He's eating more. That's good.
I put the cooked rice and butter in a pan and stirred it around until the butter melted and then added the egg mixture. When it was done, I divided it onto two plates and handed him one. He said 'thank you' and went to sit on the couch. I grabbed two forks and followed him.
When we were done eating, I washed the plates and we went back upstairs. I was laying in his lap again and he was running his fingers through my hair. "As much as you're going to hate this, I'm going to go take a shower." He moved me off of him and I whined. He just smiled again and walked away. "I'll be back in a minute."
"Fine." I pouted and he kissed my temple, grabbed clothes, and then walked into the bathroom.
I laid back down as I heard the shower turn on. My thoughts soon invaded my mind and I didn't know how to get rid of them. I started to slip back into an older mentality. The one where I was nothing but worthless and didn't want anything to do with myself.
I started crying until I heard Vic's voice drifting through the door. He was singing, just loud enough for me to hear him. I sniffled and got up to go sit by the door. I brought my knees to my chest and put my ear against the door. After I stopped crying and was starting to calm down a bit, the singing stopped and all of my pathetic emotions began again.
I sat back on the bed while my tears poured down my face and I was soon unwrapping the blue bandage from my arm so I could scratch at the skin below it. It started to burn and I felt some sort of emotional relief. Maybe I did deserve this.
Since I got here, Vic hasn't slept, Mike has gotten mad at both of us, and I've been bringing everyone down. I wiped at my tears and continued scratching at my arm. A couple layers of skin were gone and, although it wasn't bleeding, it stung quite a bit. I got a weird satifaction from it. It's hard to explain. Maybe it's just because I'm me. Because I'm a weird fucking human being who can't save himself and relies on others to keep him sane. I can't even sleep in my own bed and I wake up with fucking nightmares like I'm a two year old. It would probably be easier on everyone if they didn't have to deal with me anymore.