The sun was shining in my window, and I just closed my eyes tightly, angrily, willing myself to go to sleep. I never slept anymore, and I was tired all the time.
A few factors led to the insomnia, factors like having to pee every two minutes, not being able to find a comfortable position because I was huge, and getting constantly kicked, often in the ribs, by the evil baby inside me.
The last few weeks had been mostly the same, just getting worse, more miserable, and every day I thought that maybe it was the day. Maybe I'd go into labor. That thought was terrifying, but I figured I'd be on drugs and I'd get through it and then it could all be over.
Because I was serious when I told Leo the baby wouldn't be mine.
My due date grew closer, and I didn't change my mind. No feelings were any different. I wasn't a Mom, but my Mom was the best Mom ever, and why would I fuck up an innocent child when I could let my parents raise her right?
It all made perfect sense to me. I had it all figured out. The problem was that the baby wouldn't come, and as long as she was still hanging out in there, my life was still an awful sad mess.
My due date was two days after my birthday, but I still had it in my head that God would cut me some slack and she'd arrive before then, because if I could just use my birthday wish a little early, I'd wish not to be a pregnant teenager on my birthday.
"Is there anything you wanna do for your birthday?" my Mom asked, thinking that was actually an appropriate question to ask.
I rolled my eyes, turning around to her. She'd called that out to me right when I was about to go back to my room. "No," I replied slowly, condescendingly, as I leaned against the bannister.
"Come on," she begged. "It's your sixteenth birthday."
I nodded. "Oh yeah! But damn, it's too late now to call MTV. It would have been cool, too: 16 and pregnant: celebrity edition!" I exclaimed, smiling an obviously fake smile and rubbing my belly.
Mom shook her head, disappointed. "Olivia, I know how awful this has all been for you, and I think that's why we should do something at least a little fun. I didn't mean, like, a party or anything! Just something we could do here, maybe a friend or two could come over."
"I want to be alone until I'm cute and skinny again," I said in the most spoiled and obnoxious tone, then walked upstairs. I wanted to storm off, but I had lost the ability to go so fast.
The whole thing was incredibly depressing, really. I remembered being a kid and dreaming of my sweet sixteen—the most magical day of a young girl's life, I imagined. Everything would be perfect.
Then when I came to Hollywood, got the role on Kickin' It, my dream became even more extravagant, more special. Mateo was good friends with Jaden Smith, and I knew I could get him invited to my huge party, along with a bunch of other celebrities I'd meet along my way. I even had a theme picked out: Old Hollywood. And everyone would dress up for it, and everyone would bring me gifts, and take pictures of me, and it'd be the best night of my life so far.
It was all just a dream though, an old, stupid, down-the-drain dream.
When I sat up on the morning of August 7th, 2013—my lovely Sweet Sixteen—I let out a long sad sigh. What I thought would be one of the top ten best days of my life, would be one of the worst, I already knew, because that day was supposed to be special, and it couldn't be then. I looked down at my round stomach.
My Mom had told me to talk to Rome. I thought it was bullshit, and stupid, and that there was no way it made a difference. She heard my voice enough as I spoke to other people, and it wouldn't change anything if I talked directly to her or not.
But right then, I did have a couple things to say.
"You ruined everything," I began, with a hand on my belly so I was perfectly direct. "I know you didn't mean to, and it's not like I'll hold it against you, but I'm just saying. If it weren't for you I'd be happy right now. I'd be having a party tonight. I'd take a picture with Jaden. I'd look adorable. But I can't because of you.
"You know, though, I think I do love you. In some kinda way. But I just can't be your mother, do you get that? I hope so. I don't want you to think I hate you. I don't. And your Dad definitely doesn't either. I think he'll be good to you. And maybe one day, when I'm settled, and older and mature and all, we can have a really nice relationship. Like, oh, we could go to lunch every Tuesday, 'cause Tuesdays are dull and it'd make them better, and I'll bring you presents every time.
"It's just an idea. I don't know anything yet. I just thought that sounded fun. Just saying, I'm not gonna ignore you or anything. We just won't be like regular Moms and daughters, but that's okay, because you'll get what you need and I'll get what I need and that's what matters."
I knew she couldn't understand my words or anything, but the way she kicked me, more gentle than normal, just quick and light, it seemed like she was telling me it was okay.
I ended up being right about that day. It consisted of nothing important. Just more waiting for the baby. Just more annoyance and discomfort, though my whole family was particularly nice to me and offered to do anything to make me happy. But nothing really made me happy.
The only real thing I remember happening all day was at 8:46 AM, when I got back to my room after getting up to pee, and I checked my phone.
Two texts came so close together.
I'd already gotten a couple texts from people, and calls from relatives, but really I was waiting on those particular two. The confusing two. And because everything always had to be hectic, they came one minute apart from each other.
The name Leo appeared on my phone just above the name Luke.
I smiled to myself before opening Luke's first—he was first by a minute, so I only thought it was fair.
[Luke] : Birthday Girl! Can't believe you're really sixteen now. I miss you, and I'm hoping I'll see you sometime soon, and maybe Rome too :) I know this year's been shitty, but I also know you'll be back where you wanna be so soon. You have all that it takes to make it there. I love you Liv. Have a great day
I held my phone closer to me and smiled down at it. It made things just a little lighter. He said what I needed to hear, what I'd been hoping was true, and knowing he thought so gave me a sense of relief, of peace.
Plus, knowing he thought of me enough to say all of it had my cheeks red.
Then there was Leo.
[Leo] : Happy birthday :) I'm sorry we haven't been speaking like normal. I really miss talking to you. What happened last time we saw each other and what you said and what I said... we can forget that. I'm sorry it was weird. I shouldn't have told you that anyway. I know how hard everything's been for you but it'll be better and maybe when you see her, maybe things will change. Even if they don't I'm still here for you and for her and for us. We're all gonna be fine. Happy sixteenth Olive. I hope today's not as much of a mess as this year's been
I sighed. I hoped it wasn't either.
I missed them both too, missed being a normal person with them. Sitting on set with Leo, in our classroom, on the floor, playing different songs for each other, seeing him roll his eyes when I said I didn't like one. Laying out by Luke's pool, watching him jump in the water, splashing me in the process, getting mad at him after that, but I was never really that mad.
It was so gone. I wondered what the new normal would be, maybe a year down the road.
Luke and I would still talk, I knew. We'd stay friends, just like Gracie and me, and I bet I wouldn't ever kiss him again. I'd think about it, but it wouldn't happen.
Leo, I don't know. Maybe we would be. Maybe not. We'd always mean something to each other, but I don't know how much or how little we'd end up talking. It depended on how the Rome situation turned out, I guess. I could picture myself fucking up with him from time to time again. Our last kiss wouldn't be our last one, I just had a feeling.
But even if we weren't a perfect match, we went together just enough to create someone—someone half me and half him, and that was concrete. She'd be out there reminding us and everyone that we were something, sometime.
She did always at least do that.
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A/N: NEXT CHAPTER IS THE LAST CHAPTER im screamin