Welcome to the chapter you've probably all been waiting for: Notes and Byes. Our feels have been wrecked like about nine times by all of you and maybe another eighteen times from re-reading and scoring. Needless to say, we're so proud of all of you for making it this far and giving these characters and entries your all. Without further ado, here they are!
For those of you who are wondering, notes are once again a compilation of feedback from all the Aces typed up by Ray (-Raven-), though if you do spot American English and ADHD references, you'll know that Lindsay (AverageEverydayHero) probably wrote yours.
Adam Burke
Your entry fit your song to a T. We admit that the one we gave you was very significantly Adam, which shouldn't have posed you too much difficulty, but you conveyed the meaning of every line of it perfectly. One of my favourite things about your entry was definitely your characterisation of Adam, which I have obviously loved since Task One. Since this is notes, I can say that it's one of the main reasons I sponsored you. Despite this being a relatively serious task, you managed to insert bits of humour and consistently retain his distinct voice. The choice he made was exactly what we expected of him and that's a good thing! Out of all the characters here, Adam has definitely shown the most growth. This entry really brought out the strength of his character and his transition from being his father's son to becoming his own person. It was—to say the least—refreshing, considering the fact that his decisions were driven not purely by morals but also by his development. However, we believe that the entry could still have been enhanced by including a bit more of his thoughts. Overall, I really enjoyed seeing the thought process of a young man finding his own way in the world. The writing used in this entry was really simple, which isn't necessarily a good or bad thing. It is understandably vital to use a simplistic style for certain characters, though it inevitably puts your entry a step behind some of the others. Besides that, we found a few typos here and there which could've been avoided with a once-over, though this isn't much of an issue.
Ren Cayse
First thing I want to say about your entry was how enjoyable it was. You made it really enjoyable to read, and it was the little snippets of humor that made the entry amusing and enthralling. The good thing about the humor was that it wasn't unneccessary—they really felt fitting to Ren, and I give you large sums of credit for how Ren's characterization turned out. At no point did Ren seem to break character, and the way you wrote his attitude towards life and his life, as well as the backstory that came in pieces at a time instead of a huge drown-out entry about backstory, was really refreshing. Overall, Ren himself was really refreshing and entertaining. However, as great as it was, your entry was all over the place. The entry seemed to have a bad case of ADHD, where the focus of the entry kept shifting left and right, and going so many places at once. It felt like one minute it was about his relationship with Milo, and the next it was about something totally different. Somehow, despite the continuous shifting of focus, you managed to pull it all together into a solid entry by the end, but just the middle seemed chaotic, if not confusing to read. All of us had to reread sentences a few times just to understand what was happening, and if there was something that hurt you, it was that. It got confusing at times, and it took us a few minutes to grasp certain things. Another thing was the ending that was too open-ended. While we don't mind Ren's choice of action, we would've liked more clarity of what his decision was. Aside from these problems, you tied the entry to the song really well, and I particularly liked the "table for two" and the "celebration of the death of a bachelor" references. It was creative and didn't seem too much like an afterthought. In general, it was a great entry—just confusing, and simplifying your entries is still something you could work on.
Florence French
I like the ideas used in your entry, along with their significance. For one, having the names of the players written beneath their pictures, which aided not only Florence's thought process but also the format of your entry. It made for a pretty realistic depiction of Florence's thought process which started from her trying to make a decision to giving herself reasons and dumbing down the effects of her choice before finally making her final decision. Another thing is the way her choice was made using a lighter, which was clever and made way for a few different meanings within the last sentence itself—the burning of the picture, the death of the other players and appropriateness to the song. Often, when people reference the songs in their entries, it ends up seeming awkward and out of place, but this didn't happen for you. It was quite impressive how well tied in references were. However, while it was a good entry, I think you already saw this one coming: typos! It would help lots if you spent five minutes scrolling through your entry, especially with spell check emphasising errors in red. I didn't spot any grammatical errors but your fingers spelled the name of a character wrong and that breaks my heart. In addition to this, something about the tone of the entry seemed a little off, and while Florence's thought process was well-written, her emotions seemed to lack genuinity. We wished we could've saw a little bit more of how she felt, instead of just what she was thinking the entire time.
Aoife Callahan
Your entry and the song were in perfect alignment. For something so short, it was extremely well-written and the amount of content that managed to impress us within those 1097 words was remarkable. The tone and pace of your entry made Aoife stand out from the rest of the characters by a mile. You managed to find a great balance and make her apathetic but not unlikeable. In fact, it effectively piqued my interest. Despite showing a different, softer side of Aoife, she still ceases to be pitiable, which I believe stays true to her character. Another highlight of your entry was how slyly you managed to insert references to Jack and Jill. It was creatively brilliant and made your link to the song that much stronger. We do wish, however, that we had seen more of Aoife's emotions rather than just her thoughts. Not necessarily sad ones, just reactions in general.
Sushi Wasabi Salmon
You made an exceptional link to the song with well-thought-out ideas. Your use of the theme of being an outsider to make Sushi feel like she (ironically) belonged somewhere was a great purpose when it came to making her decision and Rider as a driving force was a nice touch. Despite her initial innocent- and naive-seeming self, the climax of the "plot twist" you developed with Sushi over the last few tasks was effective and believable. The portrayal of her greed was done extremely well and was much more intense than in the previous tasks in a realistic way. It wasn't just the greed, however. You gave Sushi what seemed to be a mixture of madness, fear and desperation in this entry, which made it seem much more dynamic and made it stand out. Her thought process was impactful without a doubt and gave not only me, but also the other Gamemakers, the chills. However, we found a few technical issues with this entry: missing words, grammar blips (using 'incomprehensive' instead of 'incomprehensive') and incomplete sentences ("Made out of ornate mahogany wood and polished so much until it sparkled in even the dimmest of lights.")
Addilyn Devella
One of the biggest highlights of your entry was how well you referenced the song and just how efficiently you managed to tie in the song with your entry as a whole. Your entry matched the song in a way that was beautifully written, and it wasn't just the references that amazed us. One thing you did that stood out was how you took the general meaning of the song and crafted it into the entry in a way that made it feel natural. The Hell, Heaven, and Devil references blew our minds, and we absolutely adored the "Devil in disguise" plotline. This definitely made it a solid entry and we liked that you used your song to its fullest advantage. However, that being said, it had its flaws. One of the things that was bothersome was the overdose of backstory. Backstories are important, but shouldn't distract from the leading character themselves, which is what it did in this entry. When writing a backstory, it should be well-executed and not overbearing, yet this is something that your entry fell victim to. There was too much backstory, and while it was enjoyable at some points, it seemed to drag on at other times. Additionally, the tone of the entry seemed to be a bit off and your entry could've been better edited—there were some missing words within your entry. Besides this, it was a genuinely solid entry that used the song perfectly.
Dawn Everhart
This was an entry that made me both happy and extremely sad. I'm not even being wrecked by feels like I was during my first read-through, I just feel...sad. I thought I'd be happier reading entries in which the players choose to save the others, but you made her mother's possible death shatter my heart, and that combined with the nostalgia of the song had such a strong hold on me. Besides the sadness, of course, was the happiness. It stemmed from the general feel of your song combined with the beauty of your description, which produced a refreshing entry despite the grimness of the task. Another reason for that is the mention of Sushi and Cupcake. Friendship is a beautiful thing and you used that to your advantage to give your entry that spark of life. However, it inevitably seemed a little off considering the fact that there was not much interaction between these characters in the previous tasks. To improve this, you could consider writing about all of the players as a whole and what they taught her instead of simply focusing on the two of them (and their underdeveloped relationship). Of course, as always, your description is commendable. However, one thing I feel has been a bit of an issue in many of your entries is the tendency to over-describe. The fast beat (although seemingly slow pace, which I understand could've made finding a balance harder for you) of the song made this a bit more glaringly obvious. For example, in the first paragraph, your description coupled with the song was the prettiest thing and immediately grabbed my attention but by the fourth sentence the description had started to slow the entry down and the song seemed to be moving on without you. The song was definitely, definitely tied into the plot of your entry well. I just found myself having to rush quite a bit to catch up with the pace of the song, which was a little bit distracting. Overall, your description and the tone of the song went impeccably well together—it was just the pace that could be improved on.
Valentina Daley
My favourite thing about this entry was Val's reactions. Despite her making the "wrong" decision, your entry made me decide that I like Val even more than I did before. Her reactions were written as some of the most relatable and believable ones this task, driven by both her morals and immorality. I was fond of all the reasoning she did with herself and the fact that her decision was made through the weighing of her morals and loyalty. This, along with the lack of fancy descriptions gave the whole entry an extremely realistic feel. You really brought out Val's character and she felt almost tangible in your entry, so go you! Writing-wise, I would suggest that you focus on giving your scenes more originality—the beginning felt a little over-inspired by the cutscene in the task. Some bits had repetition of words and ideas (air, silent, "no one was looking" and "no one noticed") that your entry would've flowed a lot better without, though your language was generally fine. The occasional small bits just made your writing seem a little less refined at points. Apart from this, your link to the song was strengthened by lyric references, though I believe that it could still have been tied in better had you weaved in the overall theme and emotions of the song.
Cupcake Maybelline Sprinkles
Despite our doubts about your entry, with your mentions of it being rushed, we were rather pleasantly surprised at its quality. However, your entry held its own flaws; in the beginning, it seemed to set off on the wrong foot—the Cupcake you showed us seemed to almost completely contradict the Cupcake we saw in the last few tasks. Though the prospect of her wanting to be famous was believable, it seemed too prevalent to be genuine. We understand that it was due to the usage of the song in your entry, but we also felt that the song itself could've been used differently to prevent that. Forget Me Now is an empowering song and I believe that the entry would've had much more subtlety had you placed more focus on Cupcake's moral strength instead of concentrating the entire first half on her desire for fame and riches. Towards the end, your entry turned around and we once again saw Cupcake going in the direction she was originally headed—which was a bit of a relief. You probably expected this, but Cupcake's thought process seemed a little rushed and the fact that her decision was influenced much more by Sushi (whom she lacked a decent amount of interaction with) than by Thomas (who was the source of her guilt) seemed a little unrealistic. In spite of what's considered to be many minor problems with your entry, it was a nice, solid entry—just it fell short in certain areas.
After hours upon hours of deliberating on who to give byes to, we have finally reached a conclusion on who would be most deserving of the 4 byes. (Mind you, this was very difficult, and it was a close call with many of you). The people who will be granted byes are:
Adam Burke
Aoife Callahan
Sushi Wasabi Salmon
and
Ren Cayse
Voting will be posted in the next chapter.