"Mommy my colour pencil broke," Liyaanah rushed to her mother thrusting the pink colour pencil and the sharpener.
"One minute Liyaa let me finish feeding Salim," murmured Samreen. Her one arm was cradled under Salim on her lap as she breastfed the baby.
"No now now now," Liyaanah cried.
"Liya, I told you wait sweetie. Just a few more minutes. He is about to go to sleep as it is," Samreen explained as the frustration was growing.
"You don't wanna love me. You're always busy with Salim," whined Liyaa.
Sighing in exasperation, "Fine give me,"
Smiling through her tears Liyaanah handed Samreen the sharpener and the pencil. Samreen held the sharpener in the hand that was around Salim and then sharpened the pencil with the other hand carefully not to disturb Salim as the baby had his eyes closed and was slowly going in sleep as he suckled.
Even while she was nursing the baby, she was not at peace. The other children needed her attention then. It was so difficult how to unlatch the baby from her breast to meet the other older children demands or ignore the older children and continue breastfeeding. Excitedly, Liyaanah skipped back to her room but soon there was a loud cry heard. The baby jolted in his sleep, Samreen closed her eyes and calmed herself.
Gently, she pulled out the baby's mouth from her nipple and placed him in his Moses basket. Patting him several times to ensure he was in deep sleep. She then ran towards the shouting coming from the children's room.
Liyaanah was yelling and Daniyal was crying. The sight that greeted Samreen annoyed her further. Liyaanah was pulling Daniyaal's hair while he held on tightly to her colouring book.
"Stop it both of you, right now." Samreen scolded as she strode towards them. She immediately separated them and took hold of the colouring book.
"He coloured on my book. He dirty it." she wailed without any tears.
First, Samreen turned to her young daughter, "Liyaa learn to share with your brother."
"But I wanna colour myself. Not with him."
Samreen huffed, "Sharing is caring sweetie. He is your little brother, who else will he play with?"
"I wanna play with girl not him."
Samreen rolled her eyes, there was no way she can bring a girl at home. After the traumatic last pregnancy, the last thing in her mind was to have another baby, "Brothers are fun too. I used to play with my brothers many games. I am sure so can you. Now why don't you become a princess and he will be the prince, okay?"
Liyaanah's lips quivered, "My colouring book."
"And I will erase the colour from it for you." She took the book from Liyaanah's small hands. And then a strong odour spread the room, Liyaanah scrunched her nose, "Mommy Dani stinks. He done poo."
"Yes I am well aware of that. C'mon big guy time for nappy change," Samreen lifted her son in her arms.
The same old routine, the same old tantrums. It was like a never ending chores loop Samreen was stuck in day by day. But it was getting worse. In the last few days, Daniyal had been teething that made him irritated and many times she was sleeping in children's room with all the children to pacify Daniyal and meet the constant Salim's night time feedings.
****
It had been several nights since Samreen slept on their bed. She slept early as Daniyal not only was cranky but also feverish. She had moved the Moses Basket in the children's room so all the children and mother slept together. While Faraz slept on his own. Many nights there was literally no conversation between the couple. He had stopped seeking ways to get Samreen's attention. Rather he was getting more and more remote from her. But there were no complaints. The transition between closeness to being distant seemed natural as Samreen ran around fulfilling each of their child's needs.
There were nights when he would lay awake for hours watching one hard core porn video after the other. Alone in his room, he had liberties and no fear of getting caught. There was no need to pursue his wife's comfort. The display of naked bodies in erotic scenes was enough for him. But with each passing night, the desire became an addiction. He wanted more, more and more. At the start, he was watching only one video a night now he was watching 2-3 videos. Each video more explicit than the other.
Videos that overtly displayed the sexual intimacy as not an act of love making but rather it was animalistic where women were abused verbally and physically. There was no tenderness in those videos. It was harsh where degrading the female for the sake of pleasure was common.
The women on the videos were slim and most had done breasts implantations and other kinds of cosmetic surgeries where it all seemed unnatural but with the time that is what was appealing to Faraz. The fake video was what he desired rather than the real beauty of his wife.
In the aftermath of birth, Samreen had not lost much weight. She hadn't been able to look after herself as she was being sucked into a whirlpool of endless chores. Reluctantly, Faraz started to compare his wife with such women. His wife wasn't slim anymore. She hardly had time to apply cosmetics. She never dressed up nicely. But most of all she didn't do any of the acts these women did on the videos. These women were brazen with not even a single shameful bone in their body. Samreen had always been willing to please him but she would never go as far as degrading herself. However, with time this became a norm for Faraz. Night after night watching such videos that is what he craved. Only that.
He wasn't interested in his wife's kisses or touches. He didn't find her attractive anymore. In fact, there were no any sexual thoughts for his wife anymore. But the addiction was increasing fast. On weekends, he would be in bed until noon many times silently watching the videos under his duvet in the early hours of the morning after fajr. This is where he nearly got caught by his wife.
It had been several weeks that Samreen had been sleeping with her children but now that Daniyal health had improved, she had decided to move back to her room as it was awkward and tiring to sleep with Daniyal on the bottom bed of the bunk bed while Liyaanah slept on the top bed.
The first night she had slept with Faraz, she was surprised to see he was taking a shower before Fajr. He only did that when they were intimate a night before. Otherwise, he always showered before going to work. She ignored it but this continued for several nights. Perplexed, one morning after Fajr salah she approached him, "Why are you showering early mornings? It's not like we are doing anything during the night."
Faraz was sitting on his bed and checking his phone. He was silent for many minutes and then spoke without looking at her, "Ya well I get hot and sweaty at night."
"In winter? We are nearly in spring but it's still freezing." She folded her arms, "Or the radiators too high for you?"
"Ya you can say that." he mumbled and then hurriedly changed the topic, "Can you make me a cuppa?"
"Now? It still 6 am." She raised her eyebrows.
"Yes I feel like having tea now." he murmured without a glance.
She nodded and quietly left him to make tea.
He lifted his eyelids and watched her leave and sighed in relief.
****
"I just can't decide what to wear for Nawal's engagement," Samreen had her hands on her hips and her wardrobe doors were open. She had been scanning different dresses for the last half an hour and still couldn't make up her mind.
Faraz had just walked in the room when she complained. He stepped beside her and scrutinized her wardrobe. He had watched an Indian porn video the previous night the images of the woman draped in a sexy sari was still on his mind.
"Why don't you wear a sari?"
She tilted her face and shook her head, "Sari? Me? With three children?"
"It's been ages you wore one. I am sure you will look great as for children there are others to take care of them." He reasoned.
She was quiet for some time and then turned to him sliding her arms around his waist. "You think I look good in a sari?" she smiled teasingly.
His hands remained on his sides and he smiled back, "Yeah."
She hugged him and laid her head on his chest, "Ok then I will."
He never hugged her back. Frowning, she slightly pulled away but her arms remained around him, "You don't hug or kiss me anymore." Her lips pouted.
He smiled and chastely kissed her cheek, "There you go."
Her eyebrows furrowed, "I didn't mean it that way."
"Aaah later Sammy, kids will come in the room." he pried her arms away from his waist and walked out to watch television.
Befuddled, she stood still in front of the wardrobe. It had been weeks since he had touched her intimately. She had been so busy with the children that she had not given much thought to it. And now when she wanted to be kissed, he had kissed her as a brother would kiss his sister and walked out.
Well maybe the sari will work and she can incite him...
****
The day of Nawal's engagement was disastrous. Each child was crying one after another about something. She was running around trying to get each one of them ready for the event. But when Faraz shouted from the bathroom she couldn't control her rage.
"Sammy my towel" he shouted from under the shower.
She gritted her teeth and grabbed the towel and stormed in their bathroom. Faraz had just turned off the shower and was stepping out of the bathtub. The water droplets running down his athletic body but she wasn't impressed or affected instead she threw the towel on his face, "You know you are worse than your children. Next time take your own towel yourself."
"Hey I forgot" he replied as he wiped his wet body with the towel.
"Why don't I ever forget to take a towel to the shower? Have you ever seen me shouting at you for a towel?" she fired back.
He was speechless as he wrapped the towel around his waist.
She whirled around and stomped out of the bathroom before another child cries and comes looking for her in the bathroom.
They had dressed in silence. The drive to Faraz's parents home was cheerful as Liyaanah sang her latest nursery rhymes and Daniyaal watched his sister in a bemusement while Salim slept peacefully in his car seat. All the children were oblivious to the tension between their parents. When they arrived at their destination Faraz broke the icy silence.
Faraz sighed deeply as he parked the car and then cradled Samreen's hand, "I am sorry Sammy."
She remained still looking out the window.
"Please let's not make our mood spoil this event." She turned and glowered at him. "Please Sammy girl."
It had been months since he had held her hand. She missed this closeness and her heart melted. She never had grudges for long, "Okay."
But immediately his hand slid away from hers and emptiness surrounded her again. Exhaling, she stepped out of the car, it was the time of celebration. She will worry about her personal problems later. She couldn't be selfish now. Her sister in law needed her.
The event had been successful. Daud had gone down on his one knee and proposed to Nawal. Women were awed by his gesture and Nawal was in a daze. Samreen had been delighted to see the love and affection seen in the young couple's eyes. She craved for the same love and affection. It was there between her and Faraz but it seemed it had buried away as they got busy with one child after another.
But tonight, she will try and fix that. As they stepped back in their apartment. First, she had to change the children and put them to bed. Daniyal was not ready to sleep. He had too many sweets at his Dada's place and now was hyper. It took one hour to calm him down and finally he was asleep. When she entered her room, she had thought to seduce her husband in her sexy sari but Salim was whimpering, indicating he was ready for his next feed. That was enough sign that tonight was not going to be the night of seduction.
Faraz had been in the living room the whole time. He had been discreetly watching porn videos in the darkened room. After being spent and satisfied, he was drained and ready to hit the bed. Samreen was placing the baby on the Moses Basket. She smiled at him as she covered Salim with a small baby blanket.
She slowly walked alluringly towards him still clad in the sari. He was too weary to notice and went straight to bed. As he stretched on the bed, she perched on the bed beside him. Her fingers lingering down his arm, "So why did you want me to wear sari?" She leaned forward and breathed in his ear.
"You look good," he mumbled and turned on the other side, his back facing her.
Bewildered, she shook him lightly, "Faraz C'mon don't sleep now."
"I am tired, Sammy. Later maybe." He drowsily muttered.
She bleakly watched his back as his breathing evened out and back muscles were gently moving. Why was he doing this? The sari always enticed him. Maybe, he was tired as there was a lot of arrangements that required his attention during the engagement party.
She let it go ... again.
****
The weeks passed and Samreen sank in endless responsibilities of motherhood and maintaining the household. They hardly went out as a family. Faraz found it too much hassle to drag children around. Even grocery shopping was done by Faraz alone. It seemed Samreen had not seen the sun for many weeks. She was eager to go out and one Friday evening she finally mustered up to complain to her hopelessly careless husband.
"Faraz we hardly go out now. Let's plan something for the weekend." She murmured sitting beside him on the couch in the living room.
Faraz had been watching television and nonchalantly glanced at her, "Ok fine whatever you want."
She bit the inner flesh of her lower lip, "It's too cold for any outdoor activities. Let's go to someone's home." She pondered for a minute and then her eyes brightened, "I know let's meet up Shahbaz and Fiza. We will have potluck dinner tomorrow."
He nodded, "Ok fine speak with Fiza and make the arrangements."
She squealed in glee and grabbed her phone. And soon plans were made for the next day dinner. In over a year, Samreen had become close to Fiza especially now that she was pregnant, she was always calling Samreen for advice.
The next evening, Samreen had cooked Sindhi Biryani and Raita (yogurt dip) while Fiza had prepared kebabs and dessert. The dinner had been very pleasurable. The children were happily running around their Chacha's apartment, Faraz and Shahbaz were busy discussing different matters and Fiza and Samreen chatting never ceased.
"It's good Bhabi, you and bhai decided to come. I was feeling down today and even though Shahbaz tried to cheer me up I was still feeling low," murmured Fiza as she sipped her tea.
"I wanted a break from home as well, Fiza. At times, I feel all I do at home is meeting the demands of the children or Faraz." Samreen sighed.
"I can understand Bhabi. It must be very difficult. But at least Shahbaz is not demanding. In fact, since, we found out I am pregnant, he has been trying his best that I don't do much house chores." Fiza took a bite of the banoffee pie that she prepared for the evening.
"Fiza I will give you an advice. Most men are very caring during pregnancy. They would help in house chores and are not as much demanding but as soon as you recover from birth, they are back to their own self. In fact, they get worse trying hard to gain the attention of the wife."
Stunned, Fiza forgot all about her dessert and stared at Samreen, "Bhabi you are frightening me."
"I am sorry Fiza but I am telling you the truth." Samreen solemnly said.
"I always wanted a baby but now that I think of it, the relationship between husband and wife drastically changes after the baby." Fiza mused.
"It does. A woman is more focused on the baby. The baby becomes the first priority for her. And many times she is just too tired and this then makes her cranky. Man doesn't understand it and this leads to arguments."
"So what should a young mother do, Bhabi?" Fiza asked, eyeing her sister in law.
Samreen chuckled softly, "When I find out I will tell you."
"What surprises me is even when I am getting big Shahbaz still thinks I am sexy." Fiza blushed.
Samreen chuckled, "well he should be thinking like that after all it is his child."
"I know I was so worried that he may think differently and may not be attracted to me anymore." Fiza's cheeks turned crimson, "But I had no worries at all." Samreen smiled politely and Fiza continued, "Otherwise, Bhabi I have heard horrific stories like during wife pregnancy men are not having a sexual relationship with their wives and the doubt that perhaps there is another woman. As a sane man never refuses sexual advances from his wife."
Stunned, Samreen stared blankly at Fiza as reality hit her hard as a strong slap on her face. He had been refusing her advances for more than four months now.
What was Faraz up to?
This is the last chapter before Ramadan.
Ramadan Kareem everyone. May Allah accept our ibadah. Ameen.
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Until next time,
Assalam u alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu.