Lost in the intensity of the embrace, neither of us noticed the sound of approaching footsteps.
"Ahem..." the softly cleared throat whirled us around, and I found Toby Whitney standing nearby, his eyes on the grass. My feet abruptly hit ground as Wind Runner faced the unwelcome intrusion, his arm snaking around my waist to push me behind him.
"Pardon me, Miss Jaynie," he risked a glance up, then met the fierce gaze of Wind Runner's black eyes. The brave's lips pulled back in a vicious snarl.
"You was gone a long while, I was gettin' worried." Toby never moved, keeping his blue eyes fixed to Wind Runner. There was an expression in them, one I didn't quite recognize.
"Ow u shnee o! Ee eye yel'lo! (You are not welcome here! Go away from us!)" My companion stepped fully between Toby and me, gesturing sharply with his hand.
"Miss Jaynie?" Toby held his ground without even blinking, and I felt a glimmer of respect for him. Wind Runner was an imposing figure in any situation, but with the shadows of darkness around him the warrior made a fierce image.
"I am fine...you should go now, Toby."
"A'right..." briefly his eyes found me. "Holler if you need me."
"Heya yel'lo! (Go away)!" Wind Runner barked the order. Slowly, giving no hint that he was worried about the brave, Toby turned his back and moved off, his footsteps receding in the darkness.
"He is not a threat to you," I murmured softly, putting my hand on Wind Runner's arm. The brave glared at me, hatred in his eyes.
"How quickly your mind forgets! He and the other white man used their guns against us- They wanted to kill me!"
"It was not him that did so, Al Baily is the one I do not trust. This man, Toby, he is a good man."
"Good?" he sneered the word at me. "It sickens me to hear you speak that way!"
"Sickens you!" Now my temper was flaring. "Must I see everything through Wind Runner's eyes? Am I not daughter of a white woman too? I sicken you? How can you say you love me when you speak those words so easily?"
"He is a white man!"
"And you are Indian!"
"He is not your kind!"
"Neither are you!"
We glared at one another, arms crossed, nostrils flaring as our tempers raged. I had never imagined this would happen, would never have fathomed my companion of so many years would be so angry and intolerant. Suddenly it all seemed so overwhelming and unwanted tears bloomed in my eyes. The foundation I'd always stood upon had been ripped out from under me.
"Just...go away!" I cried, whirling around to sprint back toward the house. Wind Runner called after me but I did not pause. Splashing through the water blinded by tears, I was sobbing as I ran, my heart breaking. Bursting through the trees I ran into a solid wall of flesh and bounced off, hitting the ground on my backside. Sniffling, rivers running down my cheeks I had barely looked up when Toby was at my side, pulling me to my feet.
"Miss Jaynie! What'sa matter, you hurt?"
Yanking my arm free, I dodged around him, running for the house. His heavier footsteps were behind me, and before I reached the porch he'd caught my arm, pulling me to a rough stop to spin me around. His expression was tight.
"What happened?"
"Nothing! Let me go!" I pushed away from him but Toby's grip on my arm tightened.
"Not nothin'! You was kissin' him and now you're cryin' awful hard Miss Jaynie-"
"Would you leave me alone!" It was almost a scream, and a square of light was thrown onto the ground from the doorway of the house. Frank stood there, rifle in hand. He'd heard the disturbance and woken ready for trouble. He saw me in tears, my arm held fast in Toby's hand.
"Butterfly! What's going on? Toby?"
Ripping myself free of Toby's grasp, I raced up the steps and threw myself at Frank, feeling his strong arms catch hold of me. I sobbed into his shoulder, my entire world collapsing in a pile of ruins. Overcome, I felt my knees give way and we sank to the floor, my father's arms a safe haven to completely break down into a little girl whose heart was shattered.
"Frank? Jaynie!" Mamma's voice filtered through my grief, and soon her warm arms were added to my father's. "What happened?"
"No idea...she just came home cryin'." Frank spoke softly, his hands rubbing my back and shoulders.
"Oh, my poor girl. She had the dream again Frank," I felt her fingers caress my hair. "Jaynie, honey...won't you talk to us?"
I vigorously shook my head, unwilling and currently unable to explain. It hurt so badly, this canyon that had carved its way through my heart. Burrowing further into Frank's chest, I cried hard wrecking sobs that shook my frame. My nose was running, my temples pounding, my eyes puffy and sore. Hatred for being so weak in front of my parents, in front of Toby, only made me cry harder.
"Jaynie?" the small voice came from behind me. "Why you crying?"
Rose had joined us in the doorway, woken by my weeping. Her small face was scrunched into worry.
"Mamma, what's wrong with Sissy?"
"She's okay baby," Mamma kissed my hair as she got up, scooping Rose into her arms. "Sometimes we just need to cry. Come on, its late...back to bed."
"But I wanna stay-!"
"Rose-"
"Mamma," I sat up a little, hooking my chin over Frank's shoulder, gasping for breath. "It's okay."
Sniffling, the back of my hand swiped over the swollen skin of my eyes. Glancing at Frank, I tried to smile when he winked at me but couldn't quite manage it. Slowly I got up, trying to stop crying. Toby was looking on, a scowl etched into his features, and Frank got up to speak to him.
"I'll put her back to bed," holding out my arms, my little sister nearly jumped from my mother's arms into mine. "Come on hoh-kshee cahn-lah (baby)."
We went up the ladder and I snuggled her down onto our mattress, tucking the blanket up under her chin. Her large green eyes studied me, watching silent tears trail down my cheeks.
"Are you sad Jaynie?"
"A little," bending, I rubbed the tips of our noses together. "But that's okay sometimes. Sadness is a part of living."
"Is it because of me?"
"You?" despite the ache in my heart I was able to smile. "You are the sun in my sky, Rosebud, the beat of my heart."
"The bacon to your eggs?" she giggled.
"The butter to my jam," I affirmed, tickling beneath her chin. Her laughter was music to my ears.
"Ducks and water?"
"Birds and flying."
"Oh!" Her cry was jealous. "I like that one!"
"That means I win," we'd played this word game often, stopping only when one of us came up with a combination the other was impressed with. Leaning down, I pressed my lips to Rose's forehead, then her cheeks and nose, my tears dropping onto the collar of her nightgown. "I love you Rose...now go to sleep."
"You comin' to bed soon?"
"Coming...and you'll be asleep by then," I hedged. "Just close your eyes, and dream wonderful dreams."
"Goodnight Sissy," nestling down into her covers, her eyelids began to droop. "I love you ..."
Climbing back down the ladder, I felt more tears slip free of my eyes but without the harsh racking sobs of earlier. Mamma was at the stove heating water for tea and coffee, Frank at the table, watching me. His eyes were careful, concerned.
"Toby said you came from the river, just cryin' your heart out, said he didn't know why." He gestured at the table. "Feel like talkin' Butterfly?"
Shaking my head, I slowly came around and took the seat next to him. Taking a shuddering breath, I put my head on his shoulder, more tears falling. Mamma put cups of tea out for me and her coffee for Frank then sat down, reaching out to hold my hands. We sat in silence for a while, occasionally sipping from our cups. Finally Mamma spoke up.
"Sweetheart, please talk to us. We're worried about you." Her loving green eyes focused on me, her mouth curving into a gentle smile.
I tried to speak, but the clouds of raging emotion warring inside me clogged my throat, choking off the words. Lips trembling, I shook my head, pushing deeper against the heat and strength of Frank's body. He tilted his head to rest against mine, a gesture of love and affection.
"Mamma-?" I whispered finally, forcing myself to look at her, then Frank. "What am I?"
"What do you mean?" She reached out, cupping my chin her fingers gentle.
"I am not Indian, and I am not white...what's left? I am just a savage, like everyone thinks?"
"Sweetheart...no," Her eyes glanced at Frank for support. "You are our daughter Jaynie. Why would you start to think like that?"
"Because," sniffling against more tears I looked at them both. "All I can think about is what I am not."
Who saw that coming?
~Sara