Chapter Twenty-Nine
I head to the rec room and grab something to eat. I just sit there, staring at the food, not wanting to eat it. I feel a bit sick and the full effect of having Paul near me and dealing with the operation hits me. I can't eat anything because I'm worried I will bring it back up. I just stare off into space, thinking. I don't even know if everyone is safe. I don't know if any of the robbers were shot. All I know is Eli is ok. And no matter how good that is, in the back of my mind is the thought of someone else getting injured or killed because of my command. Maybe I was too early to give the green light, maybe I was just a fraction too late. I don't know what happened because the smoke bombs covered all the cameras. Now that Paul isn't here and my mind can focus on the morning's events, I can't help but relive everything over and over again.
Could I have done anything different? Should I have done anything different? I don't know. Because I don't know the outcome, I can't look back in hindsight. I don't want to be the cause of someone getting injured or dying, no matter how bad they are. That's not something I want. I'm not naive, I know people get killed on the job here. I know that the bad people get taken down. I know all this and I can usually rationalize it, but I'm never involved as much as I was today. My mind being the way it is, it just can't shove things to the back burner. It has to keep going over every little detail, like it's exercising itself all the time, trying to see just how much information it can remember.
I don't know how long I sit there, but I'm startled out of my daze by someone standing in front of me. I nearly jump out of my skin and my breathing turns ragged. The fog starts to clear from my eyes and I see the team walking into the rec room. Boy, do I start panicking. I suddenly realize I'm in this small room and all these guys are walking into it. I've left myself in a very vulnerable and stupid position. I am scolding myself for being so dumb, for letting my brain cloud my judgement. I can feel my fingers tingling and the blackness starts around the edges of my eyes, when I hear, “Dani? It's me. It's Eli. Dani?”
I can just about make his voice out over the whooshing and pounding in my ears and I manage to choke out, “Can't breathe....”
“Ok, ok. Guys, give us the room a sec please?”
I presume the guys leave because Eli then says, “Hey, hey. It's ok, baby. Just breathe with me, just breathe and count.... Shhh, just concentrate on counting.”
I choke back a sob as I whisper, “Can't breathe...”
“Shh, it's ok. It's just us in here now. Just you and me, like at home. Just relax a bit and count. You want me to take your hand?”
I tentatively move my hand towards him and he gently picks it up before placing it on his heart.
He works on calming me down and when my breathing and heart rate are almost back to normal, I drop my head in embarrassment and retract my hand quickly.
Eli asks, “What was that about?”
I mumble, “I didn't know you were back.. and then you all appeared in here...”
Recognition flashes across his face. “The room too small?”
I nod a tiny bit, ashamed of my stupidity.
“Ash and I did call you, you know?”
I know a confused look crosses my face, which he must see, because he asks, “What were you thinking about? You must have been far away if you didn't hear us.”
“Just today.”
“By the way, you were amazing. Just so you know.”
“Did anyone get.... killed?”
“No ma'am. Thanks to you.”
I let out a huge sigh of relief and I actually feel like a weight has been lifted off my chest.
“Thank goodness.”
“You did great. We wouldn't have found that other entrance if it weren't for you. So, thank you.”
“You're welcome sir.”
“I need to speak to the Cap. You ok now?”
“Yes sir.”
“Good. You really should eat that food, instead of just staring at it.”
He chuckles a little at my confused face and then he grabs a few of my carrot sticks. “Hey, if you're not going to eat them, I can't let them go to waste... But seriously, you do need to eat. You should probably take it to your desk though. The guys will want to come in here and have a break after this morning.”
“Yes sir.” I stand up quickly and gather my things at lightening speed.
“Sweetheart, there's no rush. They won't come in here til I tell them it's clear.”
I drop my head in embarrassment again. I always do things to show myself up. I don't mean to, it's just out of fear really.
“Hey, look at me. Don't be embarrassed. It's ok. I know you're just scared. Just try to relax a little, ok? I don't want you to panic over anything.”
“Yes sir.”
As we head to my desk, Eli says, “Rec room is clear guys. Debriefing in 20.”
As soon as Eli says this, the Cap appears and says, “Glad you're all back, guys. Take a break. I'll be in on the debriefing.”
He turns to Eli and frowns before asking, “Did you know Paul was stopping by today?”
“No Cap.”
Eli glances over at me and I can't tell if I pale or if I blush, because at that moment my body fills with heat but also shivers at the same time. I know Eli knows I lied, but the Cap has just confirmed it. The look that Eli sends me I can't decipher. I don't know if it's hurt, disappointment or anger because he does that cop hiding his emotions thing. I drop my head and get to work, knowing there's a stack of files to go through before I can go home.
As they walk passed my desk, the Cap asks, “Did the bank get back to you?”
“No sir. I'll call again and chase them up.”
“Good. Can you bring in some coffee as well please?”
“Yes sir.”
I take coffee in for both the Cap and Eli, but I leave without saying a word, not wanting to draw Eli's attention to me.
The afternoon passes in a flurry of activity. The teams are sent out again on routine things, so I don't see Eli until it's time to go home. I'm dreading going home, I don't want to face Eli when he knows I lied to him. I knock on the Cap's door and ask, “Is there anything you'd like me to do before I go, sir?”
“No thank you, I think that's everything for today. Dani?”
“Yes sir?”
“Well done today. You did good on the op.”
“Thank you sir, but I didn't really do anything...”
“Yes you did, you don't need to be modest. You did great. Did the bank get back to you?”
“No sir. I think they're avoiding my calls. I left messages, but no one returns them. Would you like me to try again, sir?”
“No, it's ok. I'll put a little weight into the call and try them before I go home. Good night Dani.”
“Night sir.”
I don't say anything on the way home and Eli doesn't really make much of an attempt at conversation. I must have really crossed the line if he won't even talk to me. When we step in the door, he asks, “Do you want a hand with dinner or can I jump in the shower?”
“I can do dinner, sir.”
“Ok. I won't be long.”
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(Eli's POV)
I sigh as I walk away from Dani. I can feel how tense she is, and she's trying to read me. I just don't want to show her how much it hurt me, just that simple little lie. I know I shouldn't take it so much to heart, but I thought we were passed things like this. I thought she was starting to trust me. I mean, we've talked about things way worse than Paul being in the office, so why lie about it. I just don't understand.
All through my shower, I can't help but wonder what is going on with Dani. She's been acting weird since we got back from the bank op. She was in a complete daze when we went into the rec room; she didn't even notice we were back which is not like her at all. Usually her senses are on overdrive, so wherever she was in her mind it was pretty far away.
I throw on some sweats and an old Jets T-shirt and run my fingers through my hair before going back into the kitchen. A mouthwatering aroma hits my nostrils as I stand near the breakfast bar.
“How long?”
She jumps at the sound of my voice and I feel bad for scaring her. She's wound so tightly right now and I know I need to ease it, but I just can't find the words to say.
“5 minutes.”
“What have we got?”
“Stir fry, sir.”
I grab some glasses, bowls and cutlery and set them down on the breakfast bar. Dani has her back to me and I take in her tense stance. She's scared of me, I think. Maybe she thinks I'm going to blow up at her. I guess that's happened to her before. I'm lost in my thoughts when I barely hear her whisper, “Sir? Are you still mad at me?”
“Mad? When was I mad at you?”
“Earlier. On the coms.”
“When I asked you if someone was there? And you lied to me? You mean that time?”
I see and feel her back off even more and I sigh. I run my fingers through my hair and down my face and I groan. “I'm sorry, Dani. I didn't mean to scare you. I'm not mad.”
I decide to just bite the bullet and be honest with her, “I'm not mad. Just a little hurt and confused. I thought we were getting somewhere and then you lie about something small like that. It just confuses me and hurts that you won't admit simple things to me...”
She panics, I can see it in her eyes. And I think she's struggling to find something to say. The first thing that leaves her mouth is an apology. Always so apologetic.
“I'm sorry, sir. He was right there, next to my desk. I couldn't say someone was there because then you'd ask who. If I told you who it was he would have known and said something...”
“It wouldn't matter if he said something. You don't have to answer to him. He's got nothing to do with our department. Unless the Cap orders you to see him, then you don't have to answer a darn thing he asks you.”
She looks horrified and I don't know why. It doesn't take long for her to say, “I can't do that. That is rude and... and not allowed...”
She gasps and quickly puts her hand over her mouth, as if to take the words back. Too late, I've heard them now and it helps me to figure somethings out.
“That's why you don't talk to people. Because you can't say no, because you can't just tell them to mind their own business. You can't be 'rude' as you put it. Listen baby, not everyone deserves your respect. Not everyone needs to have their questions answered. Paul is one of those people. You just shouldn't answer him. He's a shrink, baby. No matter what you say he's going to find his own reasoning for your answer. Just ignore him and he'll leave it alone. Ok?”
“I'll try.”
“Good. What did he want, anyway?”
“I don't know. He waited for the Captain, but left when it was taking too long.”
That didn't make sense. Surely he would know the Cap is busy, unless it was something out of the ordinary. I guess we won't know until he appears again.
“Are we ok now, Dani? I don't want you to be scared of me.”
“We're ok, sir. I thought you were angry.”
“No, not angry. Even I was angry, you don't need to worry that I'm going to hurt you. I would never do that. I know you've probably had your fair share of beatings, but I won't do that to you. You need to believe me.”
She just nods, and I know she wants to believe that, she just can't yet.
We eat in silence for a little while and then I ask her about the incident in the rec room earlier. She's embarrassed by it, I can see her cheeks flush a little and she drops her head again.
“Dani? Look at me. You don't need to be embarrassed. It's me you're talking to. I'm not judging you; I'm not going to make fun of you. I understand these things scare you and we will work on it, but you have to trust me more before I can introduce you to new things. What were you thinking about? You were miles away.”
“I was thinking about the op, and what could of happened. The cameras stopped working after the smoke went in and I didn't know what happened. So I kept thinking of everything that could have happened.”
“But we all made it back. Everyone's safe.”
“But I didn't know that. What if someone got hurt or worse, killed, because of me? I couldn't live with that. It was my call when to go in and it could have gone drastically wrong if I was a fraction too early or late. So many awful things could have happened...”
I reach for her hand because she's getting worked up. She flinches at first, but then holds her hand still. I can feel it shaking under my touch, but I just carry on, “But it didn't, Dani. Nothing bad happened. We took down the robbers and no one got hurt. They were all arrested and they're being processed. Nothing bad happened. You think too much, sometimes you just need to shut your mind off to these things.”
She looks at me like I'm speaking another language and she can't understand me.
“What?”
“I can't, Eli. I can't switch it off.”
“You can't switch your mind off?”
“No sir, I can't.”
I'm confused. Everyone can tune out things and put them to the back of their mind, and I tell her that.
“I'm not normal, remember. My brain doesn't know how to turn off.”
“You mean literally or figuratively?”
“Literally.”
I sigh, “I don't understand.”
She takes a deep breath and says, “The closest physical thing I can relate it to is a computer that sounds like it's working too hard, whirring at high speed, causing the fan inside to keep going. That's what my brain is like ALL the time, even when I'm sleeping. So, despite every effort to forget things, to just 'get over' the bad things that happen, I can't.”
Wow. I'm shocked. Not only at the problem that presents for her, but also at her explanation. I think that's the longest answer I've ever had from her. I actually don't know what to say.
“So, there's nothing that can help your mind to relax?”
“Drugs.”
I don't know if she's joking, but it's not very funny.
“Just drugs?”
“Yep. Not only illegal drugs. The stuff that shrinks give to you. The ones that say you're mental and should be locked up...”
I can see her mind working, I can read it in her eyes so I quickly say, “Don't even think that. You shouldn't be locked up and you're not crazy.”
“Really? I just likened my brain to a computer with an over active fan. I don't think that constitutes as normal, somehow...”
I look at her in shock. Did she just crack a joke? Was that humor I heard?
I have to ask, “Was that a joke? Were you just sarcastic?”
I see something in her eyes that I've never seen before, so I'm not quite sure what it is.
“Errr, maybe?”
I chuckle and she gives me a lopsided smile. She's not quite comfortable enough to show a full smile. I think she's so jaded by her past and so unhappy, that a full smile can't work it's way out yet. We're getting there, if that joke was anything to go by then we're slowly getting there.
“I bet you feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster right now.”
She looks confused and embarrassed when she asks, “What's a roller coaster?”
“You've never seen a roller coaster?”
“No sir. Is that bad?”
“No, not bad. Just sometimes I forget you missed a childhood. When we have moments like this, I forget you haven't experienced some things.”
I see her eyes cloud over, and I reach for her hand. She snaps it back as I say, “I'm sorry, Dani. I didn't mean to make you remember...”
“You didn't, sir. It's always there. If I'm not occupied by something else, then it just floats to the front of my mind. I have to keep busy or it really will drive me crazy.”
“I'm sorry sweetheart. You're very brave, you know that?”
She scoffs at that, so I continue, “You are. There's not many people that would carry on after such an awful past. I honestly don't know how you do it.”
She's silent for a minute or two, before she whispers, “One foot in front of the other, every day. That's all I can do. The alternative isn't an option, I guess. I've been down that route; I've been on the verge of death more times than I can count, and it's not pretty. I just have to keep going and pray that at some point it gets easier to deal with.”
I feel a lump start to form in the back of my throat and before I can stop the words, I whisper, “How did I get so lucky? What did I do to deserve you in my life?”
“Lucky? I don't think so, sir. I'm a mess. You're constantly picking me up and taking care of me. How is that lucky?”
“You are amazing. You bring a new perspective to life. You make me realize that no matter what happens, you can pick yourself up and carry on. No, you may not be fine, but you still keep going. You make me realize that despite the things I've seen and done, I can work through it all and be ok. I can get through it all. As long as we've got each other to lean on, we'll be ok.”
Inside, I'm shock at the revelation I've just laid out there. I think it might have been too much for Dani, because she doesn't say anything for the longest time. I'm scolding myself for scaring her, and scaring myself. I don't know where that confession just came from. Maybe it's something that has needed to be said for a while, but I couldn't get out there. Maybe it was the right thing to say, maybe fate made it slip from my lips, because Dani just touches my hand with her index finger as she whispers, “Just don't hurt me, Eli....”
That lump is back, and I actually want to cry, because in those 5 words this woman has puts as much trust in me as she possibly can. She's shown me that she's willing to try and I can't ask for anything more than that. The feeling that flows over me with those words is hard to describe. I feel an amazing sense of pride for Dani, I feel an immense sense of responsibility, and I feel touched that she's accepted me. I can only hope we can move forward at a steady pace, because I so desperately want Dani to be ok.
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(End of Eli's POV)