Chapter Twenty-Seven
When I sit at my desk, I'm still shaking, but I kind of feel like I'm home again. I can't believe I said all of that to the Captain, but the need to protect my secrets just took over. At that moment, that was more important. I sure hope the Captain isn't giving Eli a hard time, it felt a bit tense in there.
I sigh as I my eyes drift over my desk and then over the whole room. Ash is standing over by the rec room and he catches my eye as I scan the room. He shoots me a brilliant smile and a thumbs up. I feel the corner of my mouth tilt up a little, which causes him to smile even brighter, if that's even possible. He always seems to be smiling. He's always happy and it makes my heart ache. I wish I had a fraction of the happiness he has. I'm not jealous of him, don't get the wrong idea. I want him to be happy. I want Eli to be happy. I just want a tiny bit of that for myself too. I can't help but think I've ruined Eli's happiness by giving him my messy past. I've put so much more of a burden on him, and I feel awful for that. He's got even more stress and worry now that I'm paranoid the Russian's are going to come after me.
Ash and Ben walk towards my desk, talking about something, but I'm not listening to them. All I can think about is how much I need to not freak out; how much I need to be 'normal' so the Captain doesn't ask any more questions. I need to stay as far away from Paul as possible. I don't want anything to do with that man. That got me to thinking about my relationship with the Captain. It's never going to be the same. I'm always going to wonder if he's trying to find out something about me. I'm always going to feel some level of betrayal. On one hand, I do understand why he had to find out what was going on, because he can't risk the safety of the New York citizens. That, I get, really I do. What I don't get, is why wanted to know specific details; why he told me to speak to Paul. That's none of his business. As long as I'm not putting anyone in danger, and I'm doing my job, shouldn't that be enough for him?
Ben shoots me a smile and says, “It's good to have you back, Danica. It hasn't been the same without you here.”
Ash pipes in, “Yeah, maybe the Cap and Eli will get that stick out of their butts and lay off us a bit. They've been chewing on bees the whole time you've been away...”
I feel a presence behind me, so I spin round to see Eli just as he chokes out, “Ashton....”
Ash just smiles sweetly at Eli and says, “Yes Elijah? I'm just telling the young lady the truth.”
“How about you keep your truths to yourself and go tell the guys to meet in the briefing room. I'll be in in 5.”
“Yes sir.”
I can hear the sarcasm in Ash's voice. He dips his head towards me and whispers, “Seriously, he's been miserable. Have a word with him, huh? They've been killing us...”
He walks away chuckling and I look up to see Eli frowning at Ash. In his eyes there are a number of emotions floating around. I'm slowly learning to read his expressions. At the moment he's annoyed with Ash, but he's also got a hint of amusement mixed in. It looks like he's holding some worry in there too, so I ask, “Everything ok, sir?”
“Yes. I'm just glad to have you back. How are you doing?”
“I don't know.”
“I'm so proud of you, Dani. You were amazing in there. Where did that even come from?”
“I don't know. Is he angry with me?”
“No, not at all. In fact, I think he's proud of you. Showing you're not scared of him, but you still respect him makes him proud of you.”
“Scared of him? I'm petrified of that man...”
I dip my head once that truth is revealed. I didn't mean to tell him that.
“Dani, look at me. You have no reason to be petrified of the Cap. Sure, he's your boss and you should respect him and hold an acceptable level of fear, but you shouldn't be petrified of him. He's a good man, and although you've hit a bump in the road, he won't hurt you.”
I feel myself frown as I whisper, “What's an acceptable level of fear?”
He sighs, revealing just how much this gets to him. It's strange, but just one sigh can explain a lot. A few weeks ago, I would never have thought I'd be able to read into Eli's reactions at all, let alone interpret a sigh or a look in his eye. Since he told me that he wants to kill these guys, he's been letting his emotions show just a little bit more. He doesn't keep that awful blank mask up as much. Maybe he realizes that showing me his emotions isn't going to break me any more than I already am.
“I understand that you don't know what an acceptable level of fear is, but it still hurts me to think about that. It's not something I can explain to you or show you, you just have to feel your way through it. Just don't be petrified of the Cap. He's not going to hurt you. If he upsets you in any way and you can't talk to him about it, just bring it to me. Ok?”
I nod and whisper, “Yes sir.”
“And Ash was right, I have been miserable without you. Although, I'll never admit that to him. Just pretend you asked me to go easier on them.”
He shoots me a wink and I feel my eyes widen. He heard that? Does this man have super powers or something?
He chuckles at my expression, so I whisper, “I'll ask Ash later if you've given them a break.”
His eyes widen a little in shock that I'm playing along with the joke and then he all out laughs. It's sounds musical. I've never heard him laugh like that. Maybe it's a release of all the tension he's been building up.
“Maybe I'll rag on them just a little harder to see how that works out for him...”
My mouth tries to twitch into a smile, it's such a foreign expression for me, but I try as I say, “Maybe I tell him I told you to work them harder...”
He chuckles again and I see a twinkle in his eye. “You tell him that, please. You're going to love the expression on his face.”
I nod and he bends down slightly to whisper, “That smile looks beautiful on you. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
I try not to blush, but I'm embarrassed and taken aback. I'm not sure I'm comfortable with such a confession from him, or from anyone for that matter. That seems to be borderline flirtatious, and I don't think I'm comfortable with that. I think he reads the fear in my eyes, because he whispers, “No hidden meaning in that, I promise. I'm just happy you're trying to smile. Don't be scared of a compliment. Not every nice thing someone says has a double meaning.”
I nod, ashamed that he figured it my thoughts and that just a compliment sends me into a mini panic.
“I have to get to the team. I'll be back to check in later. If Simon drops off the stats from Bravo team's training session, I need to see them before the Cap does. Ok?”
“Yes sir.”
Before I can even blink, he's walking into the briefing room. I sigh and try to process everything that has just happened in the last hour or so. My mind is reeling and so are my emotions. I sigh again and try to focus on my work, but as I do, I hear my poppa's voice whisper, “That's my girl, Svetlyak. You can do this. This man will make you happy, you just have to give him a chance.”
I gasp and whisper in Russian, “Poppa? Why is it so difficult? Why does it have to hurt so much?”
I get no response, which I shouldn't be surprised at. He's not here; he can't really talk to me. I must actually be going insane, because I can't actually be hearing his voice. I whisper to myself, “Oh my gosh, Danica. Get a grip on yourself. You've got to hold it together.”
I hear a voice say, “Dani? Everything ok?”
I jump and let out a squeak, before rushing out, “Yes Captain. Sorry.”
He frowns and regards me carefully. “Are you sure?”
“Yes sir. Just tired.”
He just stares at me. I think he's trying to figure out if I'm telling him the truth. I'm not comfortable with his stare, so I look at the the papers on my desk and nervously shuffle them around.
“Right, well, make sure you get an early night then. Paul should be in to see me at some point this afternoon. Just let me know when he's here and send him on. And Dani?”
“Yes sir?”
“It's nice to have you back. Plus, I like it when you talk in another language. Just don't talk about me...”
I'm so shocked, I completely miss that he's joking around.
“Oh no, sir! I wouldn't do that.”
“I'm kidding, Dani. Relax. You're not on trial or anything. Just relax. Send Paul in when he gets here.”
“Yes sir.”
I crack on with my work, keeping an eye out for Paul. I don't want him to catch me off guard and scare me. That would just give him more ammunition to give to the Captain.
I don't know how long I work for, but eventually I see a pair of feet enter my line of vision. I hear my breathing kick up a notch, but I'm determined to not freak out. At least on the outside anyways. I glance up from my paper work and I see Paul standing there, with a disgusting smirk on his face.
He takes a step closer to me and I fight every instinct within me with the need to jump back. He looks slightly shocked, but he hides it well.
I count in my head before I manage to grind out, “Can I help you?”
“Yes, the Captain is expecting me.”
“Just wait a moment; I'll let him know you are here.”
Ok, so if I'm completely honest with you, I just wanted to make the guy wait. I know the Captain said to send him through, but I just want to have a little bit of power. Is that so wrong?
Anyway, I get up from my chair and walk to the coffee machine before I headed into the Captain's office. As I walk, I can't help but smirk inside. Now, I know you're thinking that's completely out of character for me, but to be honest? I don't quite feel like myself today. So much has happened and so much has changed that I find myself behaving quite strange.
I knock on the Captain's door and give him his coffee before I say, “Paul is here to see you.”
“Thank you. You didn't have to come in here to tell me, you know.”
“I know. I thought you'd want coffee.”
He looks at me carefully and then he chuckles. “Did you make him wait deliberately?”
“Sir, that's not very professional.”
“No, but you have a twinkle in your eye right now. It wasn't there before. Hey, I don't care if you make him wait all day. In fact, just tell him I'll be with him soon. I think I have to make an important call...”
He shoots me a wink and I nod before leaving the room.
As I sit at my desk, I say, “If you wouldn't mind taking a seat, the Captain will be with you shortly.”
Paul looks annoyed, but he sits down with a huff. My insides are quivering and it's not just nervousness. There's something else there, but I can't recognize the emotion. I turn my back to Paul and start filing away some papers. I keep an eye on him out of the corner of my eye, just so I know where he is at all times. I can see him huffing and fidgeting. For a shrink, he's not doing a very good job of hiding his annoyance.
A few minutes later, Simon stops by. “Hey Danica. Glad you're back. Just want to drop off Carlos' stats. Can you give them to the Captain for me please?”
I only turn my head towards him, making sure I don't step any closer to my desk. I might be acting a bit strange today, but I know I need to keep safe.
“Yes sir, I will do. Thank you.”
“You're welcome. It's good to see you. Did you have a good holiday? Go anywhere nice?”
I have to think quick. I don't know if I manage to hide the panic on my face, but I manage to say, “No sir, just caught up on some things at home.”
“Long hours really messes with home life, doesn't it? I've got a million things to do. I might take some days to catch up too. Anyways, welcome back.”
“Thank you sir.”
He's gone just as quickly as he arrived. Sort of like a whirlwind or something. This day is turning out to be the strangest thing ever.
Ash appears at my desk before the Captain calls Paul in and I see Ash tense up at just the sight of Paul.
He sits on the edge of my desk, as I'm still filing things away, and he asks, “What's the shrink doing here?”
My eyes widen, knowing Paul heard him and the disgust that's in Ash's voice. Ash smiles at me, that brilliant smile again. This guy is something else.
“He's here to see the Captain, but the Captain's on an important call.”
My insides quiver again, like there's bugs in my stomach or something. Ash notices the strange look on my face, so he whispers, “You ok? He been giving you a hard time?”
I whisper back, “No sir. He's actually said nothing.”
“Probably trying to make you uncomfortable. Be strong my child.”
My lip twitches, but stops just short of a smile.
“I have to go. We've got a security detail. Just came to pick up Bravo Team's stats for Eli. Has Simon been?”
“Yes sir. They're just over there, but I haven't read them yet.”
“I'll wait til you've read them.”
He puts them on my side of the desk and moves back before I reach for them. I quickly scan the papers. I don't realize Ash and Paul are watching me read. It's not even 2 minutes later, when I frown and place the paper back on the desk.
“Ok, I'll tell the Captain what they are.”
“What?”
“Sorry sir?”
I'm honestly confused at his question. “What was the frown for? I know it's not nothing.”
I sigh and say, “Just a big difference in your team and Carlos', that's all. It's nothing to worry about.”
“Promise?”
“Yes sir, I promise.”
“Good. I will want to know about the speed you read that, but I really do have to go now. I'll see you later.”
I know I'm just trying to make a show for Paul and also I'm getting extremely uncomfortable with him there, so I ask, “Ash?”
“Yes ma'am?”
“Am I not on the coms for the security?”
“I don't know. Didn't the Cap ask you?”
“No sir.”
“Hmm, he probably thought you wouldn't be back til tomorrow.”
I nod and Ash shoots me quick goodbye before he leaves.
Paul just stares at me, like properly stares. No trying to disguise it, either. He says, “To be honest, I didn't expect to see you again. Not after leaving the way you did. The Captain told me about it. You're a puzzle, Miss Romanov. One I'd like to solve...”
The way he said that makes my skin crawl. Yep, this guy is officially a creep. My intercom buzzes and I pick up my phone to hear the Captain telling me to send Paul through. When I tell Paul the Captain is ready for him, Paul says, “I'm not giving up, Miss Romanov. The Captain may have dropped it and brought you back, but I know there's something different about you. You can pretend all you like with your colleagues and your acting, but I will figure it out.”
Once he disappears from my sight, I quickly head to the ladies' room to calm myself down. I knew it was a mistake to keep him waiting. The one time I try to gain a little power over someone and it just backfires. I should have just done what the Captain said and sent him through straight away. None of this would have happened if I was just submissive like I'm supposed to be. I'm lesser than everyone else; I'm meant to be inferior and there's nothing I can do about that. I don't know how long I'm in the bathroom, but it must be a long time because when I get back to my desk, Eli is waiting for me.
He watches me carefully, and I drop my head so he can't read me. He has this amazing and scary ability to know what I'm thinking most of the time. I don't know how he does it, but I'm guessing it has something to do with all of his training.
“Dani? What's wrong?”
“Has the Captain buzzed me?”
“No ma'am, not that I know of. I've only just got back though.”
“How was the job?”
“Fine, nothing out of the ordinary. Ash gave me the stats. Anything you want to shed some light on? I didn't get to read them properly yet.”
“Nothing, sir. Just a difference between your team and their team. Not any particular area though.”
“So, no particular person I need to check up on?”
“No sir. They seem to be kind of static though. I don't know what term you would use. In football they say, not upping their game, I think?”
He chuckles and asks, “You know football?”
“Er, sort of?”
“Sort of?”
“I watched a lot when I was away.”
“Really? That bored, huh?”
“You have no idea... I know every play from last season.”
“You do?”
“Yep.”
“Your memory, I forgot. Maybe you should have a career change.”
“No thank you, I'm ok where I am.”
“Good, I don't want you to leave. Is the Cap busy?”
“Hang on, I'll check.”
I'm relieved Eli doesn't press to find out what's bothering me and I'm now glad he's here, just in case Paul hasn't left yet. As I speak to the Captain, Eli just watches me. It makes me uncomfortable, but I have to concentrate or the Cap will know there's something bugging me.
A few minutes later, Paul walks passed my office and I tense up. Eli shoots me a frown and I see concern in his eyes. The Captain appears and starts talking to Eli, so thankfully the moment is broken. They head into the Captain's office talking about the security detail and I carry on with my work. I know that Eli's team have another job to go out on before they finish up. I also know that Bravo Team have a raid, so I get cracking on the stack of files on my desk. But I can't shake the feeling that Paul has left me with. It sets me on edge and it makes me want to go and hide in my apartment. I have to decide what I'm going to do about the whole situation. Does that mean trusting someone with this information or leaving again? I don't know yet. All I know is, I'm not strong enough to do either. Where does that leave me? Stuck in between two decisions; between two worlds really. One where I have to trust someone and risk getting broken and the other where I'm on my own and trying to piece my life back together. To me, both choices seem pretty grim.
A/N: Poor Dani! Nothing ever seems to go right for her, does it? Let me know what you think :) I love your feedback and if you have any constructive criticism I'm all ears. I'm always looking for ways to improve my writing. Hope you enjoyed the chapter :)