I am learning how to walk on my own again. I still need the crutches but I am gaining a lot of strength back. Anya says to walk up and down the stairs a couple times without the crutches. It will help me gain strength at a quicker rate because of gravity change.
Today is my day to help Locklyn. She is in the final month of pregnancy and labor could be any day now. Cason is trying to hunt everyday because when the babies are born, he isn't going to hunt anymore, which is understandable to me. He is hoping that we are home at least two weeks after the babies are born.
I walked into the living room with one crutch. My right foot was worse than my left and I don't know why it was. I have more pain in that ankle than the other, so I use the crutch on the right.
"Hey, Lock." She smiled at me while lying on the couch. She was wearing Cason's shorts and a t-shirt of his. She had her body pillow in-between her back and the couch. "Do you need anything? I'm going to start dinner for everyone."
"Get me some iced tea. Cason made some tea last night and put it in the fridge for me, oh, and get me a can of sardines in the basement."
"Sardines? Really?"
"Yeah, I'm craving those badly. Please, Trace."
"Okay fine. How are you feeling? Any pain going on?" I looked at the sheet Anya made up for each of us to ask Lock every day. "Any discharge?" I made a face and shook my head.
"Nope. Just normal kicking going on. Although on my right I'm having more pain than usual. I don't think it is anything alarming."
"What kind of discharge does she mean though?" I was confused on that. Anya bolded the word, so it must be important. I don't remember learning about that in health, but I skipped a couple days to deal with Armin's death. "Like blood?"
"Blood or my water breaking. It's nothing you need to worry about Trace. She will be the one delivering my babies, so you don't have to freak out about that. I will most likely tell Cason more than I would tell you."
"Okay, good." I sighed and laughed. I went into the kitchen where I got the iced tea and then looked in the cabinets before going to the basement for sardines. I found a couple and gave them to Locklyn. She sat up slowly, rubbed the right side of her stomach, and began eating the sardines, which was gross to watch.
I went back to the kitchen to begin dinner and I decided to make a salad with the fresh vegetables Cason picked and some turkey with corn, spinach, and carrots in a skillet and to add some taste, my mother's homemade honey glaze. We have all the ingredients here and it will make everything taste better.
I began to cut up the turkey that Cason killed two days ago. He puts the date on all of the meat so whatever is the oldest, we use first, and the nice thing is he also sorts it in the fridge.
"Trace, I caught some fish for you," Hadley came in with the bucket used for fishing. I looked inside and saw it was half filled with water.
I stepped back and held my breath in.
Water. It almost ate me alive. Now, it is eating the fish. It will get me next.
My mind began to replay how everything unfolded on that day.
The water, not too cold, not too hot. I felt a hand, an actual hand take hold of my right ankle and pull me forward. I flew back and smacked the water, which may have given me whiplash by how hard my body slammed against the water. My arms were trying to get to the surface and I id get to the surface and took a breath of air.
I gasped. I screamed.
Another hand grabbed my left ankle and pulled me back under water. I felt fingernails digging into my skin and the grip became tighter. I couldn't get free of the grip and each time I struggled and fought, the grip became tighter and the pain shot up into my core and chest.
Mom. Armin. Both angry at me. It stung to see how unhappy they are in me. The pain jolted to my head when Armin covered my mouth. The back of my head burned and my eyes were stinging from the water. My head pounded to the beat of my heart. Then, I felt my heart slowing down.
Everything went black.
"NO!" I yelled and backed into the counter. "Get it away from me!"
"What? It's fish, take the bucket. What is your problem?" I shook my head and Hadley came closer to me. "Why are you freaking out?"
"Stay back."
"Trace David, you are being childish. Take the fucking bucket and get on with cooking." She motioned the bucket towards me and the water spilled out and touched me. I screamed, grabbed onto the handle of the knife I was using, and charged at Hadley. "TRACE!" she screeched and screamed at the top of her lungs. I pushed her to the ground and held her down. My arms were shaking and instead of hitting her arm with the knife, it went up and to the side of her head. I forcefully stab the knife into the floor, missing her by a couple inches. "HELP!" she screamed.
I heard someone come into the kitchen but I couldn't look up because I was in shock by what I just did to Hadley. My eyes were wide and my breathing was rapid.
What did I just do to her? Did I hurt her? Oh, crap!
"Trace, get off of her!" It was Locklyn. My body shook and I couldn't get off of her. Then I slowly sat back, up against the oven, and covered my face. "Had, are you okay?"
"I don't know. I can't be near him right now. Just stay away from me. You really turned into a monster, Trace. I thought you were better than this." Her voice was tough, but shaking.
It stabbed me hard in the heart because Hadley is my best friend and I just scared her to death because I was having flashbacks of my drowning. Her words are replaying in my head.
Stay away. Monster.
Monster. I am a monster now.
What have I done?
"Trace, are you okay?" Locklyn was standing there with her hands on her back. "Trace, talk to me. What just happened?"
"I'm a monster. Stay away from me." I hid my face from her. "Just leave!" I yelled.
"No! I won't leave you because you are hurting and need a friend. I'm your friend, your sister. I care about you Trace. What just happened between Hadley and you?"
"I don't know," I whispered. "I'm scared."
"Scared of what?" I pointed to the bucket. "Water?" I nodded and shook. "Trace, you need to face water. Water is everywhere. You shower, right?" I nodded. "That's water."
"It's different because all I do is get in, wash, and get out. I have it timed to three minutes." She shook her head. "I hurt Hadley." She nodded and shrugged. "I messed up, Lock. I really messed up. She may never talk to me again."
"You just attacked her, Trace. What was going on in your head?"
"It was like I was drowning again. It was replaying in my head. Everything that happened underwater, it was like I was under again. I never felt like that before."
"It's called flashbacks. You are suffering with post-traumatic stress disorder and you develop it when you go through trauma and it alters your life. The drowning altered your life and now you have PTSD." I sobbed into my hands. "Trace, I can't bend down," I laughed, "and I want to hug you, so can you stand up for me." I nodded, stood up, and she hugged me. Her stomach rubbed against mine and it was awkward for a second. She let go and sighed. "So, no more knives, okay?"
"I have to cook."
"Without knives. You just tried to stab Hadley." I nodded. "I'll sit in here with you and watch you cook because now I'm worried."
"Motherly instincts already kicking in," I said and began to cook again.
"Ha-ha, very funny, Trace." She sat down at the island and watched me cook. She soon left and came back with paper and a pen. She started to draw. "Oh," I heard her after an hour of silence. I looked back at her and she was rubbing her stomach.
"You okay?" I asked. She was tense and had her eyes closed tightly. She had her left hand on her left side and let out a small scream. "Locklyn." I went over to her slowly and leaned up on the counter. She grabbed my arm and squeezed tightly, making me want to scream out in pain by how tight her grip is. "Ow, Lock." She took a deep breath and relaxed. "What was all of that? And you have a tight grip for being a girl."
"A contraction. I have been getting them here and there. Anya says they are false contractions but I think they are real. At times I will only feel it on one side and that is mostly my right side."
"Do you need to lie down? I will help you to the couch." She nodded and I helped her stand up from the chair. She slowly walked into the living room with her hands on her back. Her back is now naturally arched because of how big she is. All the weight went to her stomach, so, I think it's mostly babies because she really hasn't been eating a lot, only little meals throughout the day. I followed her into the living room where she lied on the couch, turned on the movie channel, and got comfortable. "You good now?" she nodded and kept rubbing her stomach. "Holler if you need anything."
I went back into the kitchen and finished cooking. I pushed the bucket of fish to the side and ignored the fact it is right in the kitchen with me.
"Trace David Beemer," I heard Anya say sternly behind me. I sighed and glanced at her over my shoulder. She had her hands on her hips and a not-so-pretty facial expression; even though I think she is cute when she's mad. "You almost stabbed Hadley?" I nodded and looked down at the floor. "Why?"
"I was having flashbacks of the drowning and really don't remember what happened. I don't remember getting the knife and when I realized I tried to stab her it was too late. I feel awful, Anya, and really don't need to hear it from you. Locklyn just calmed me down."
"Locklyn shouldn't even be getting stressed. She's eight months pregnant. She needs to rest and not look after you. You are supposed to be looking after her, not the other way around. Hadley is having a panic attack because of you and trying to stab her. She is frightened."
"I'm sorry!" I yelled and banged the counter. "I'm sorry I am such a monster to everyone in this cabin."
"I never said you were a monster." Her face scrunched up and she shook her head. "Who said you were a monster?"
"Hadley." Anya looked like she was in pain. Is Anya now afraid of me? I know Locklyn isn't, but her hormones are through the roof right now. Hadley will never talk to me again. When Cason finds out what I did, he may be angry and never want to look at me either. "Anya, do you hate me? Are you afraid of me?"
"What?" It sounded more like a question of repeat what you just said rather than a shocking one. "You think I hate you?" I nodded. "I love you, Trace." She slowly came towards me. "I will always love you. I'm worried about you because of the paranoia and screaming in your sleep. I don't want you hurting because it hurts me too."
I took a step with my right foot without the crutches and clenched my teeth together. Pain was shooting up my leg and into my hip. I managed to catch myself from falling onto the floor and looking like a fool in front of my girlfriend. I took another step, put my hand on the back of Anya's neck, inched her forward towards my face, and kissed her hard on the lips.
I pushed her to the island, lifted her up having her legs wrap around my waist, and kept kissing her deeply. I rubbed my hand up and down her leg slowly, feeling each goose bump rise as I move my hand up and down. She sighed heavily and tangled her fingers into my hair.
My heart was racing, pounding against my ribs. My body began to tingle and sting, not a bad sting, a good happy one. My mind became clear and all I can focus on is Anya and how her body matched mine; the movements we made together and interlocked like puzzle pieces and our lips touching and reading every line that is surfaced on our semi-chapped lips.
I wanted to go farther. I needed to go farther.
"Anya!" I pulled away from her lips and unwrapped her legs from my body. She stared at me and looked down. "Sorry. It's just I don't want to do something we will both regret."
"You want to..." I nodded and limped back. "Yeah, I kind of want to also." She grinned and giggled.
"Really? Are you ready?"
"I have to face it and minds-as-well be in the cabin then back home. But I need time to prepare myself, so very soon. I don't want it planned, I want it spontaneous and surprising, like spur of the moment." I nodded with a wide smile across my face.
"Thank you!" I yelled and hugged her tightly. "I love you so much, Anya Rowan Pritchett!" she laughed and kissed me on the lips. "I love you," I whispered in her ear. "More than anything else in this world."
"I love you too." She stared me in the eyes and smiled. "Now, you need to talk with Hadley and apologize to her."
"She won't talk to me. She called me a monster. She's afraid of me."
"No, I'm not," Hadley said slowly walking through the archway from the hall to the kitchen. "I'm scared, Trace. What you did was wrong and I really don't want to be near you. You are my best friend though and Locklyn explained to me how you have PTSD and was having flashbacks. I get it, I do, but please, try to manage your thoughts in a safer way. I don't want you hurting Anya."
"I will do anything just so we can stick together as a family. I don't want to make everything worse and have you leave the group because I fucked up. I'm not allowed near the knives anyway."
"Good," Hadley grinned and crossed her arms. "I forgive you, Trace. I can't hold a grudge against my brother." She slowly came over and hugged me. She was tense when I lightly wrapped my arms around to hug her. It didn't feel right. I still feel terrible for what I did to her, but it will take time to get over the drowning, not just overnight, maybe years until I can fully go near water and not freak out.