Desi
I nervously twitched as I waited for the door to open, the handkerchief against my cheek now a dark red from my blood. Ryder stood next to me, his hands shoved in the pockets of his black slacks, always watching me to make sure I was okay.
The door clicked open and a man stuck his head through the opening, smiling as he saw Ryder. His gray hair across his forehead, and wrinkles formed at his eyes as he smiled. He turned to look at me, the smile falling off his face, his eyes trailing to my torn cheek.
“Doc,” Ryder said next to me, his arm wrapping around my shoulders. “This is Desiree. She needs your help.”
“Actually,” I added, still having the doctor's full attention. “It's Desi.”
Doc raised his eyebrow and glanced at Ryder before opening the door and motioning us into his suite. It looked the same as every other suite I'd seen except instead of a dining room area, there was hospital machinery and a small bed, quilted with white sheets-- a reflection of a room I'd been in many times before the infection broke out.
“If you'll just have a seat on the edge of that bed right there, I will get you stitched up,” Doc said behind me after he closed the door.
I turned to look at Ryder, stepping closer to him. “Are you sure he's on our side?” I whispered.
“Positive,” Ryder replied quietly, resting his hand on my back as he led me to the bed.
I sat down, watching Doc as he got his supplies and lowered the handkerchief from my face, feeling more blood seep through the cut.
“That's really deep,” Doc said as he rolled the stool he was sitting on towards me. “What did she hit you with?”
I widened my eyes at him, shocked that he would know who had done this to me.
“It was that witch, Vivian, right?” Doc asked, pulling a syringe from the small table next to him.
“Yes,” I said quietly, focusing my gaze on something other than the needle that he moved closer and closer to my face. My eyes fell on Ryder who also seemed to be waiting for my answer. “It was her ring. She hit me with the back of her hand.”
Doc sucked in a breath. “That must be why the cut is so jagged.”
A crease formed between Ryder's brows, his jaw clenched as if he was trying to hold himself together. An intensity shone in his eyes, his gaze boring into mine.
“Don't worry,” Doc said. “I'll get you fixed up.”
I glanced around the room as Doc began to stitch up my numb face, suddenly wanting to look at everything but Ryder-- afraid of the comfort that sifted through my body when he looked at me.
I felt the tug and pull of the thread as it was weaved through my skin, thanking God that I wasn't feeling the pain right now. Before I could get comfortable on the bed, Doc had cut the thread and dropped the needle onto the table.
“All done!” Doc smiled, rolling his stool away from me.
Ryder came into my vision out of the corner of my eye, but I stayed focused on Doc as I stood up.
“So why did you help me?” I asked him, trying not to sound mean. “What I mean is, why are you with us? You're not a contender, and everyone here who isn't one, love to see us hurt.”
Doc nodded his head as if he was expecting the question. “I'm pretty much the only one that's here for you all.” He shrugged his shoulders as if it was obvious. “I stitch you up when you're torn and I help you when you're broken. You see, my wife had B Positive blood.”
“Had?” I asked, sympathy flowing through me.
“She died many years ago.” Doc's voice was sad. “But it would kill me even more today to see her fighting in those cages.” He shook his head in shame and looked down at the floor, his gray hair covering his eyes.
“I'm so sorry,” I said sincerely.
As I opened my mouth to speak again, Doc flung his head up. “No,” He said quietly. “It's better this way.”
Ryder was at my side, holding a wet washcloth. He reached up, wiping away the dried blood underneath, tenderly as if not to hurt me, even though I still couldn't feel anything. His lip curled up, a sad smile, tossing the dirty rag on the table.
“Is there anything else I can do for you Desi?” Doc asked, standing from his stool, his hand reaching out to shake mine.
I grasped his hand. “You called me Desi,” I said, a small smile twitching at my lips. “But yeah, what were saying earlier about you help us when we are broken?”
“Oh,” Doc said, turning towards the kitchen. “That.” He opened a cabinet above the stove pulling down a bottle of brown liquid.
“Whiskey?” Ryder asked, his voice behind me as I walked towards Doc.
“Yes sir,” Doc said, setting the bottle down on the counter. The liquor sloshed on the inside of the glass, my eyes drawn to it. “Those who are broken on the inside can ease some of the pain with this.”
Cody's face appeared in my mind before vanishing, leaving me circling through my head again trying to find him. I remembered Aundrea, coming here soon, and fear slithered through me as I thought of the horrible things that could happen. But then curiosity sounded. What was going on with Rich right now?
I grabbed the neck of the large bottle, picking it up off of the counter and holding it to my side. “You mind if I take it with me?” I asked, my hand gripped tight around the glass, not wanting to let go.
“Go ahead,” Doc said, waving me away with his hand. “I have plenty more.”
I turned to walk out the door, stopping short when Ryder grabbed my arm, turning me to face him.
“Desiree,” Ryder said worriedly. “I don't think that's such a good idea.”
“What are you, my master?” I scoffed at him. “Are you going to start telling me what to do too?”
Ryder dropped his eyes away from mine. “No,” He said, his voice emotionless and I began to feel guilty for talking to him like that.
“Thanks again Doc.” I waved to the older man as I walked away. Ryder's footsteps followed behind mine as my heels clicked down the hallway, starting to rub blisters on my feet.
In the elevator, the horrible music made things even more awkward between Ryder and I. I brought each foot up to my hand, yanking off the painful shoes and throwing them in the corner as the doors dinged open.
“I'm never wearing those again,” I told Ryder, breaking the silence, leaving the stilettos in the elevator.
Ryder chuckled next to me, all of the tension between us falling away. I walked to my suite, stopping in front of the door, listening as Ryder continued walking down the hall.
“You can come in,” I told him, making him stop in his tracks. “I might need someone to pour my heart out too.”
Ryder slowly turned, a smile on his face as he walked back towards me. “I still don't think it's a good idea,” He told me, following me inside. “But I'm not going to tell you what to do.”
“Thank you for the free will,” I laughed, immediately making my way to the kitchen for a glass.
Ryder sat on a high stool at the bar, his elbows resting on the smooth black counter-tops, watching me as I poured whiskey into a small glass. I tilted the glass back, the liquor burning my throat, leaving a horrible taste in my mouth. I closed my eyes and bit my lips, trying to keep from gagging. I could feel the whiskey work it's way through my body, warming my fingers and my stomach the whole way down.
Seven shots and two wardrobe changes later, I was curled up on the couch in pajamas, sniffling as tears rolled down my cheeks.
“That dammmn doctor,” I said, my words slurring as I complained to Ryder. “He lied. This made me feel worse.”
Ryder sat next to me on the couch, his hands resting in his lap. “It takes away the pain for some people I guess.”
“Like Durbin,” I said, more memories flowing through me, new tears prickling at my eyes. “He drank to numb the pain.”
“Who's Durbin?” Ryder asked, never having heard the name before.
“Durbin was a son of a bitch,” I said, but somehow a smile started to creep on my face in remembrance of him. “I hated him, but in the end he sacrificed himself to keep Cody and I alive.” A pang hit my heart as I spoke Cody's name. Another tear rolled down my cheek, soaking into the ridges of my stitches.
“Hey,” Ryder said softly next to me. “Please don't cry anymore.” His hand reached over to grab mine. “You don't know how much it kills me that I can't make you feel better.”
“Oh, Ryder,” I said, a sob escaping from me followed by a drunken hiccup. “You do make me feel better. You're like my big giant band-aid-- you stop the bleeding.”
Ryder smiled but his eyes were still sad.
“But I still hurt,” I told him. “I will always hurt.” My chin quivered and I grabbed another tissue from the almost empty box next to me, blowing my nose loudly. “If I didn't have you I don't know what I would do.”
I turned back to look at him, taking in his strong jaw and his carved cheekbones, his short dark hair untidy on his head, a sudden and fierce fire spreading through me. My eyes lingered on his lips, my body pulling towards his with liquid courage.
“I need you,” I whispered, afraid my voice might shake.
Ryder's eyes softened, his breath slowing. “Desiree,” His voice was deep, soft. I drifted closer to him, my shoulder brushing with his. “You're drunk,” He said bluntly, but I didn't pull away. His ocean eyes gleamed at me with humor, my gaze remaining the same.
“That doesn't mean that I don't truly feel like this,” I said, my voice falling up and down in octaves as the liquor continued to soar through my system. “I'm feeling braver than ever.”
I lifted my head towards Ryder, my face only inches away from his. He jerked his head back slightly, his eyes trailing down my face. The room swayed as I closed the distance between us, my lips pressing to his.
I could feel him tense beside me as he brought his hands between us, gently pushing me away.
“I can't let you kiss me like that,” Ryder said, pulling his hands away from me. “Not when you're like this.”
Humiliation flooded through me, burning my cheeks and flipping my stomach. I dropped my hands to my lap, looking down at my fingers.
I heard Ryder sigh beside me before his fingers grazed my chin, turning my head to look at him. He looked me in the eyes, his hand brushing my hair away from my face, resting it at the base of my head. Slowly, almost painfully slow, he pulled me to meet him, his lips crashing into mine, his fingers brushing against my cheek.
Just as my heart began to rise in speed-- just as my lips began to burn for more and more of his touch-- Ryder pulled away, standing abruptly from the couch.
I bit my lip, watching him get up, suddenly feeling different. Ryder could never be to me what Cody was, but I couldn't help myself. Even though I was drunk, I knew that I still had feelings for Ryder somewhere inside of me and maybe they aren't being so easily shaken off anymore.
Ryder walked away to the kitchen, grabbing a bottled water from the fridge. He brought it over to me, placing it on the coffee table.
“Drink this,” Ryder said. “And then go to sleep. I'll see you in the morning.”
I wanted to reach my hand out to stop him, to tell him to stay, but my arm was a limp noodle, not budging. My eyes began to close as Ryder walked out the door and I fell asleep on the couch, drool falling onto the pillow.
I woke up furious with myself. Memories of last night blurred through my mind, making it seem like a dream, but from the pit in my stomach I knew it was reality. It wasn't that I didn't like it. I had felt butterflies when I remembered our kiss, briefly lifting my fingers to graze my lips.
I was angry because in the end, all of this was going to hurt Ryder. I cared about him, but I couldn't let this go on anymore. Most of me still ached to see Cody, to hear his voice, and that abundance of love was overwhelming the feelings I had for Ryder. I would never fully, truly be his.
I heard a light knock on the door making me bounce off of the couch, my head throbbing as I trudged through the living room. Resting my hand on the dark wood of the door, I peered through the peephole.
Ryder stood on the other side of the door, his hands fidgeting nervously at his sides. His eyes kept darting to the door, waiting for me to open it, hoping I would open it. My hand reached for the knob, gripping the cool steel tightly before pulling it away.
Instead my fingers drifted up to the lock, turning it with a click, knowing that it wouldn't stop the guards and Vivian from coming in. But it would stop Ryder.
I glanced through the peephole again, watching as Ryder's eyes saddened when he heard the door lock. My lips frowned, feeling torn as I saw him slowly turn away and disappear from my vision.
I spun around, leaning back onto the door for support. Even though I wanted to open the door and yell to him, I couldn't. I had to save him from the inevitable heartbreak that came along with caring about me.
I avoided Ryder the whole day. He came knocking several times, nerves filling me every time I heard his knuckles on the door. I sneaked down the hallway, glancing over my shoulder, as I went to Doc's room, returning his whiskey and grabbing some pain medication for the horrible headache throbbing through my head.
I mostly lounged on the couch, gazing through the glass doors and out at the sky that changed from a light blue to a deep navy. Stars began to twinkle across the sky, lighting up one by one, and I fell asleep without eating anything for dinner, the sick feeling in my stomach overpowering any hunger I might have had.
An annoying tap filled my ears as I opened my eyes, blinded by the morning sun. Squinting my eyes, I turned my head to see Vivian, dressed in a tight yellow dress, tapping her toe impatiently.
“Finally,” She said, the tap ceasing. “I thought I was about to have to slap you. That would have woken you up.” Vivian smirked, tossing her red hair over her shoulder. “It's nice to see that you got fixed up.” Her eyes trailed to my stitched cheek. “It would have been a shame if your pretty face had to be more scarred than it will be with the stitches.”
I clenched my jaw, trying to control my fists as they itched to slam into her face. Vivian narrowed her eyes at me, thinking she had won. She turned her head, nodding to a guard across the room, and my gaze followed hers as he walked to the front door.
When he opened the door a little girl ran into the room, her black pigtails flopping back and forth as she searched the room.
“Desi?” Her little voice sounded scared.
“Over here,” I waved my hand, my eyes filling with tears.
Aundrea bounded towards me, flinging herself into my open arms, sobbing into my shoulder.
Vivian rested her hand on Aundrea's shaking back, her voice soothing as she spoke. “There, there,” She said as I glared dangerously into her eyes. “It'll be okay. Desi's here for you now.” Vivian raised her eyebrows, challenging me.
Suddenly, Aundrea lifted her head away from me, her hair slapping me in the face as she spun her head to glare at Vivian.
“Don't touch me,” Aundrea said, her words sounding so mature for her small frail voice. “You're a mean lady.”
Vivian threw her head back and laughed. I pulled Aundrea tighter to me, hoping to protect her if anything should happen, but instead Vivian just turned away, speaking as she walked towards the door.
“I'll see you in the cage tonight Desiree,” She said, her voice mocking. “Behave yourself.”
I held Aundrea tightly until every guard had left the suite, leaving us alone, safe.
“I missed you,” Aundrea said, wiping away a stream of snot with the sleeve of her shirt.
“I missed you too,” I brushed a stray hair behind her ear.
We sat silently for a while, Aundrea holding my hand, sniffling next to me. I opened my mouth to speak to her, but everything in my head seemed to revolve around Aundrea's dead mother and Cody. Two subjects I wanted to avoid.
“Rich tattled on you,” Aundrea said, breaking the layer of silence. “Before they stoled you he talked to that lady.”
“I thought so,” I said, glancing away from her.
“He kept talking to the guards after you left too.” Her voice was quiet, as if she didn't usually talk a lot, and I remembered when she quit talking regurally after Selma, her mother, died.
“And Cody?” I dared to ask, my heart stopping as I spoke.
“I don't know.” Her eyebrows creased as she struggled to think about it. “He was gone too.”
My heart dropped to my stomach, the couch seemed to shake beneath me as I took in what she said. Even though Vivian had Cody killed, there was still a part of me that thought, hoped that maybe he'd made it out alive. But now, this was just confirmation. He really was gone.
.