I had barely managed to make the tears stop when I got home. I was sure the traces were still visible on my face but smudged make-up was the last thing that I cared about at the moment.
"Hey, you're back early," Brandon said cheerfully as I entered the living room. He was sitting on the couch and I stopped at the doorframe. That was when he saw my face and jumped to his feet. "What's wrong, boo?"
I looked down at my feet. "I have to tell you something."
"What is it?" I heard the concern in his voice. I didn't dare look at him.
"I... I did something," I mumbled. "Something bad."
"Boo, you're scaring me. What is it?" He walked over to me and lifted my chin to make me look at him. The tears were already welling up in my eyes. "You can tell me anything." His voice was so tender.
"I know I can. But I know you're not going to look at me the same way when I do." I felt like I was stalling, savouring the last few moments I had with him. Because when he knew the truth, that would be over.
Now he looked worried. He cupped my face. "Boo, what happened? Tell me."
I bit the tears back. I didn't want to be a sappy mess and manipulate him by crying. I needed to say this and endure whatever came after. I wasn't a coward. He deserved to know.
I swallowed hard. "When I was on vacation with Rob and Dan and the girls, I..." I wanted to look away but he was holding my face. His worried eyes were watching me expectantly. So caring, I couldn't take it anymore. I closed my eyes. "I slept with someone," I confessed, my voice close to a whisper.
His hands fell from my cheeks and I lifted my eyelids. He looked like I had just punched him in the face.
"I didn't mean for it to happen." A sudden outburst of excuses started leaving my mouth. "It just did. I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to hurt you. I didn't mean for any of it."
He stood frozen for what felt like forever. I didn't dare touch him. I just waited. What more could I possibly say?
After a long moment he walked back and sat on the couch, the stunned expression now shaded with hurt.
"Who is he?" he asked, flat, looking straight ahead.
I didn't move from my spot. "Just a guy I met earlier this summer. A friend of Dan's. You don't know him."
His head snapped my way. "Earlier this summer? You've been hanging out with him?"
I stared at him for a moment. After what I had just confessed, I didn't think I could actually make it worse. But I did.
"Not by my choice." More excuses found their way out of my lips. "He just popped whenever I went out with the guys. He wasn't supposed to be on this vacation. I never would have gone if I knew he was going to be there."
"So what you're telling me is that you knew he was after you and despite that you still hung out with him?" Brandon twisted my words.
"He wasn't after me," I denied, thrown off balance. "At least I didn't know he was."
"God, Nicole, how can you be so naïve?"
Brandon assumed Jason had been the initiator of things and not the other way around. I let him. I wasn't really sure that wasn't entirely true anyway. I may have said something first but Jason was the one who kept showing up and teasing me and making these insinuations. So maybe it was as much him as it was me. I remained silent. Those details wouldn't do any good right now.
"Was it just once?" He asked in a moment. Apparently he needed some details.
I thought about lying about it but what difference did it make now? "A couple times."
"A couple times?" He repeated, almost yelling. His face creased.
"I don't know what had gotten into me," I started again. "It's just I barely see you lately and he was there all the time and we were on vacation and it just happ..."
"Are you saying this is my fault?" Now he looked infuriated.
"No! Of course not!" My subconscious was looking for a good enough excuse to justify what I did but the truth was, "It's mine. I made the decision. I crossed the line. It's all my fault."
Brandon watched me for a while, a few hundred emotions switching places in his eyes. "Do you have feelings for him?"
"I..." That totally caught me off guard.
"Nicole," - Brandon got up and made a step my way - "do you have feelings for him?" he repeated this time more determined.
I was tong-tied for another moment, watching Brandon's dead serious face. But then I spoke, "I don't ever want to see him again." That was the closest to the truth I could get without hurting Brandon even more. After what had just played out on Rob's balcony, there was no way I was seeing him again.
Brandon kept silent. He stood a few steps away, watching me without saying a word. I wanted to tell him I loved him but it just felt senseless right now. Like a bunch of empty words without a meaning. Not after what I had just done to him. I wanted him to yell. I wanted him to yell at me, to get it all out. So we could get passed it. But he stood silent. It was killing me.
That was it.
I took one last look at the ring on my finger and pulled it off. "I suppose you'd want this back." I handed it to him.
He looked at it for a moment. Then looked at me. "I can't deal with this right now." He went around me without taking the ring and I heard the front door bang shut.
---
I was huddled on the bed, hugging my knees, my back to the wall, when I heard the front door again. I had no idea how much time had passed. I hadn't moved in a while. I still didn't move.
Brandon walked in the bedroom and my head reflexively swung his way. His expression was blank, I couldn't read it. He sat on the furthest edge of the bed with his back to me. He was fidgeting with his hands in his lap. There was a lump in my throat. We sat like that for some time when he spoke.
"You never said you were sorry."
"What?"
"You never said you're sorry," he repeated louder.
I hadn't? I tried to rerun the conversation in my head but I couldn't. All I remembered from it was the heart-squeeze I felt when I saw the look on Brandon's face as I told him. I didn't want him to hurt so badly because of me.
"Of course I am. I'm really, really sorry, Brandon." I pushed my back off the wall and crawled closer to him. I lifted my hand to place it on his shoulder but I held back. "I never meant to hurt you."
"I'm sorry, too," he said in a while, his back still to me. "I should have been around more. I should have spent more time with you. I should have taken a few damned days off and come with you on this vacation." His voice was strained.
"No, Brandon. This isn't your fault." Maybe part of me blamed him. Part of me wanted to believe that he had a part in what I had done. But the truth was he didn't have a say in the way I felt. Maybe things would have been different if Brandon had been around more. Maybe Jason wouldn't have acted so freely around me. Maybe I wouldn't have gone that far and another bunch of maybes. But the stupid attraction was still going to be there. And that was still going to be a betrayal. And it was all on me. "I'm the only one to blame," I finally admitted to myself. I had been the weak one to succumb to those dark desires. I had been weak enough to cheat. That was irreversible. There was only one question now. "Can you ever forgive me?" I asked with the last of my hope.
He didn't answer right away. He caught sight of the ring, which I had left on his nightstand, and took it. He examined it between his fingers for a while. "I don't know," he said and left it back where he had taken it from. "But if I do, it's going to take some time."
He got to his feet and walked to the closet. He pulled out a pillow and a cover and swung to the door. He stopped at the door frame but didn't turn. I watched his back, my heart beating timidly.
"I love you, Nicole," he said with his eyes still on the door. "But I can't be around you right now."
Brandon closed the bedroom door behind him and I cried myself to sleep.