Chapter Thirty Three:
Silly Feelings:
~Danielle~
Two days after the whole hospital scare I was discharged. They had wanted to keep me at the hospital permanently, but I didn’t want to spend my last couple of months alive staring at four foreign, white walls that represented hope and suffering equally.
Ryan and my parents and tried to convince me to stay at the hospital, but I wouldn’t do it. I didn’t care that I was weak and I could do next to nothing, I was going to be at home.
Now instead of every two weeks, or the occasional every week, I would be getting chemo twice a week. If I stayed at the hospital I would get a small dosage every day, but since I was staying at home, it would be a large dosage every three days.
I know it’s going to be hard, but I’m willing to do it. The doctors told me that since the cancer is spreading so quickly now, the chemo will slow it down, but it will still hurt a lot. The cancer itself will hurt, and then the large amounts of chemo used to counteract it will be like a large internal war.
Sounds like so much fun!
“Ryan is there something wrong with me?” I asked. We were sitting on my bed. My parents had gone out to get the groceries.
“What do you mean?” He asked. I twisted in his lap to face him. I lowered the mirror I was holding.
“The beauty you see in me?” Ryan nodded. “I can’t see it.”
“That’s normal. Not a lot of people can see the beauty in themselves,” Ryan said.
“But I can’t see it in any one else either,” I finished.
“What?”
“I mean. My friends they are always saying things like ‘He’s so hot’ or ‘I wish I had her beauty’, I can’t see it.”
“Why are you thinking about this? What does it matter?”
I shrugged. “I can see it in you because you’ve always been good to me. But I can’t see anything that makes your friends attractive. I don’t know why. I can see the beauty in my friends, I see a lot of it. But just random people at school, I can’t see it in them.”
“I don’t get it Danielle. Besides, none of this matters.”
I sighed. “I guess not. I just feel I missed out on a lot. My friends spent time gushing about how hot someone was. I could never give my opinion. Now I know that’s something I will never be able to experience.”
“I don’t know to give that to you baby,” Ryan said.
“I know and I’m not asking you to. I just, I wish I had had that chance to be like every other girl. I don’t care about the supposed hotness of strangers, I could care less about shoes, I’ve never been obsessed with some famous person, and I never get sucked into buying those stupid clothes that are like eighty bucks for a piece of fabric.”
“What do you want me to say?” Ryan asked.
“I- I don’t know.”
“Is that the reason you don’t like me calling you perfect or beautiful? Because you can’t see the beauty in people at first glance, and you don’t feel perfect in a girl sense?”
“Yeah. I see the beauty in movement when people dance, but never in their face unless I know them well. And I don’t feel perfect, because that’s not achievable. I don’t know what perfect or beauty means. I don’t know what they are.”
Ryan lifted my chin and kissed me. “To know what they are, just look in the mirror. To know what it means, just know that you mean everything to me.”
I closed my eyes and allowed the tears to run down my cheeks. “Ryan you have to let me go. I’ll be dead before your birthday,” I whispered.
“No you won’t be. You’ll be there with me, on my birthday. I know you will. And I never want to let you go.”
“I’m dying,” I whispered again.
“I don’t care. It doesn’t make me love you less,” Ryan said with so much force it startled me.
“I want you to be happy when I die.”
“You know I won’t be,” he said.
“I can’t be your life Ryan. You can’t die with me.” He knew what I meant.
“A part of me will die with you, but that’s okay. One day, I will find someone who is almost as beautiful as you are, and not nearly as perfect. It could take years, but I will be happy. But I will always love you.”
“How can you love me?” I screamed suddenly. “There is so much wrong with me! I’m dying!”
“Shh Danielle. Calm down,” Ryan whispered as he rocked me in his arms.
“Answer me please,” I ordered.
“It is those things that are wrong with you that make you amazing.”
“Oh really? So the cancer makes me amazing? Is that why you started dating me in the first place? Because our relationship has a dead line? No real commitment, its great right?” I said sarcastically.
“No of course not baby. I really do love you. I’m just saying; it’s the flaws in a person that make them amazing. It sucks that you have cancer, every day I wish it could be me with it instead of you, but it doesn’t make you any less perfect. You are still yourself that is all that matters.”
“I’m so scared of dying,” I whispered.
“You should be; it’s not something everyone dreams of doing one day.”
“I never thought I would die young.”
“No one ever does. Everyone thinks they will live a long life.”
“What did I do to deserve such a short life?”
“Dan, I don’t know,” Ryan said sadly. “I ask myself the same thing every day.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered into his chest.
“For what?”
“All of this. You didn’t deserve to fall in love with something that was dying.”
“It doesn’t even matter to me. I fell in love with you, not your health condition. If someone gave me the choice of either loving you this way, or not loving you at all, I would choose this every single time.”
“I’m just so sorry.”
“Don’t ever say you’re sorry. You never asked for my love, you never asked to die,” Ryan said solemnly. “That’s just what has happened. Such is life.”
~Ryan~
We decided Tuesday would be the best for Seph to visit Danielle. She wasn’t getting treatments again until Wednesday, so we figured it was our best option.
“You never told me what happened to her last week,” Seph said. I hadn’t because it still freaked me out to think about it. The cancer had spread because of me, that wasn’t an easy thing to say.
“The cancer spread,” I whispered hoping no one else but Seph would hear on this crowded bus.
“Oh wow. It did?”
“Yeah it’s in her lungs.”
“Wow, that…that…that must be tough,” Seph said finally.
“She’d be lucky to live until February,” I whispered, not because I was scared of people hearing, but because it was hard to say.
“I’m so sorry. Do you know why it spread?” I stayed silent. “I see why you skipped school last week,” he commented.
“I think I’m going to see if I can do what she does, get my work over the computer so I can spend more time with her. Four months, that’s not a lot of time.”
“What does she say?”
“I haven’t asked her yet. She will probably want me to stay in school because she doesn’t even like the fact that I’m not hanging out with you guys any more. I don’t know how I can convince her not going to school will be a good thing.”
Seph didn’t try talking to me again until we got to Danielle’s house.
“I should warn you, she’s really weak. This round of chemo is really hard on her. She has to have a high dosage because it’s spread so much. She’s also been suddenly getting mad and stuff because she hates being weak,” I warned Seph.
“I know man. I just want to see her.”
I nodded and opened the door.
I could hear both Nicole’s and Diane’s voices from down the hall. I don’t know how they had gotten here so fast. They must have gotten a ride or something.
“…just don’t tell Ryan please,” I heard Danielle say. I put a finger to my lips to show Seph to be quiet. I wanted to figure out what was going on.
“You did take a pain pill or something right?” Nicole asked.
“Yeah it just hasn’t kicked in yet,” I heard Danielle reply.
“I can’t believe he watched you get chemo. I can’t even stand here and watch you sit there in pain,” Diane said.
“I know, he’s pretty awesome,” Danielle said. I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Dan, he can handle knowing you’re in pain you know,” Nicole said.
“I won’t be once the pill kicks in.” I figured if I didn’t interrupt now I wouldn’t find out what was going on.
“Hello!” I called out to announce my present. I heard some hurried whispering and then Seph and I went down the hall to the kitchen.
“Hey baby,” I said giving Danielle a quick kiss. She gave me a smile but even if I hadn’t known, I would still be able to tell it was forced. “What’s wrong?” I asked her even though I know she didn’t want me to know.
“Told you, he loves you too much,” Diane said from behind me.
“It’s just my stomach, its fine,” Danielle said waving me off. But she clutched her stomach tightly and I could tell she was in a lot of pain.
“Danielle, you should tell your doctor about this, he needs to up your dosage if you’re in so much pain,” I said worriedly.
“But Ryan, a lot of chemo hurts,” she complained.
“You’ll feel better on the off days though,” I said sternly. She sighed and then her hand dropped from her stomach, I guess the pill was kicking in.
“See all better,” she said giving me a genuine smile.
“Pills don’t count baby,” I told her. I looked up from her face to see everyone else watching us with concern. I pushed Danielle of her chair, then I took it myself. I pulled her onto my lap. “We’re sharing,” I whispered into her ear.
“Hey Seph,” she said to him. He was staring at her open mouthed. I felt her shift uncomfortably.
“Dude, stop staring,” I warned him.
“I can go get my wig if that will help,” Danielle offered.
Seph snapped out of his shocked state. “No, no I’m fine. I was just surprised. Ryan told me, but, seeing and knowing are two different things.” I put my hand on Danielle’s hip and was surprised that the bone was so prominent. As much as I tried to believe it wasn’t happening, my Danielle was sick and getting sicker. Her now unnaturally thinness was proof of that.
“It took me a while to get used to as well. So how have you been?” Danielle asked. I willed Seph not to talk about school. School was something Danielle missed, it had made her normal. Now that she didn’t have it she hated to talk about it.
Seph shrugged. “Pretty good. It’s been kind of weird because Ryan’s always freaking out about you and everything.”
“Aw you are?” Danielle asked turning to look at me.
“Of course,” I said kissing her cheek. “I love you, why wouldn’t I be worried about you day and night?”
“Have a girlfriend yet Seph?” Danielle asked.
He shook his head. “Not yet. I’ve had a couple…flings, but no girlfriend.”
“So nothing new?”
“Nah.” He looked worried for a second. “Can I talk to you alone for a minute? I need to apologize for something.”
“Sure we can go into my room.” Danielle slid off my lap and struggled to stand. I grabbed her waist to balance her.
Seph took her arm and helped her to her room.
“How’d you do it?” Diane asked.
“Do what?”
“Watch her get the chemo done,” Nicole elaborated.
“I don’t know. Every time I thought about leaving, I just remembered how much I loved her and how lonely she would be without me, so I stayed.” I finished with a shrug.
“Wow,” Diane said. Nicole wasn’t impressed though.
“If you love her so much, why did you wait until after she was diagnosed to start dating her?”
I leaned back in my chair. “I guess I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by throwing out there that I liked her. I thought I would have tons of time to tell her. Then she was diagnosed and I realized how little time I actually had. Now I wish I could go back and ask her out much sooner, I feel terrible that I waited so long.”
~Danielle~
Seph held my arm gently like he was afraid of breaking me or something. He lowered me onto the bed carefully and then he began to pace around the room.
Finally he stopped. “Ryan told me that he told you about uh, me liking you,” he let out.
“Yes, he did,” I confirmed.
“I’m not sorry that I liked you, but I am sorry that I mistook it for love. What Ryan has for you is love. I just liked the way you looked and somehow convinced myself that it was love,” he explained.
“Seph, its fine, it doesn’t matter.”
“But it does to me. If I loved you I wouldn’t care that you’re bald and sick, just like Ryan doesn’t.”
“But he should,” I pointed out.
“I just wanted to say that I’m really sorry for all of it,” Seph said.
“You wanted to fall in love, and I fit the description perfectly, its fine. And for the having cancer and stuff,” I shrugged, “there’s nothing we can do about it now I guess.”
“So we’re cool?” Seph asked. I laughed.
“That’s what you were freaking out about? The fact that you thought you upset me?”
Seph rubbed the back of his neck and looked down in embarrassment. “Well yeah. When I found out you were sick I felt bad. I mean you were going through so much and I had to go and complicate things by having a stupid crush on you.”
“We can’t change our feelings. They are meant to complicate things,” I said.
“Yeah I guess you’re right. I just wanted to get that off my chest before it drove me crazy.”
“Good, I’m glad you did. Now can you help me back to the kitchen?” Seph looked surprised but he nodded.
“And don’t tell Ryan I said that, asked for help I mean. I try to be strong for him.”
“Danielle, he doesn’t care. But I won’t tell him.” I nodded and he took my arm and helped me back to the kitchen.
I sat down in Ryan’s lap again because it was much more comfy than a chair. He looked between Seph and I questioningly, but neither of us said anything.
“Diane there’s a box of cookies in the pantry, can you grab it?” I asked. She nodded and went to find it.
“We aren’t going to tell you so stop trying to find out,” I said to Ryan. He pouted.
“And why not? I deserve to know.”
“Hmm, I might tell you later, but only if you are good,” I said. I took a cookie from the box.
“Please?” Ryan bagged.
“Nope.” I turned to my friends who were still watching me with concern. “You guys don’t have to look at me like that, I feel fine now,” I assured them.
“I just can’t believe how you can go from in complete pain, to relatively happy so fast,” Diane said shaking her head.
“What can I say? I’m special,” I said with a smile.
“Yeah you are,” Ryan whispered rubbing my stomach.
***
Another chapter today. So happy October 23rd.
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