Chapter 12:
What Once Was
"Iwaizumi Hajime."
Three years - it has been three years since that name came out of Oikawa's lips. The cold breeze coming from the open sea pierced through both layers of Oikawa's clothing, sending chills down his spine.
Sugawara and Daichi exchanged unsettled looks as they looked at the man standing behind Oikawa. They didn't know what to do, or how to react until Sugawara decided to pull his husband aside, and excusing themselves to tend to the other visitors.
The painful memories from three years ago swooped over Oikawa. He gritted his teeth as he listened to the sound of his heart - the sound of his heart getting torn again into shreds for the first time in three years.
Oikawa took off his glasses, wiping its lens with a clean piece of cloth. Everything became blurry with tears as the painful memories from the past got to him again.
"Oi," Iwaizumi called once more as his heart beat frantically. His hands were still inside his pockets as he looked at the familiar stance in front of him. Iwaizumi brushed his fingers through his tousled hair as he swallowed the lump forming inside his throat when Oikawa turned to face him.
Oikawa cocked a brow as he adjusted his glasses, crossing his arms in front of him, and he shifted his weight uncomfortably. The brunette tilted his head to the side as his lips broke into a bogus smile. "Iwaizumi Hajime, what a pleasant surprise!"
"Can we talk?" Iwaizumi's expression softened as Oikawa let out a faint snicker. He looked at Iwaizumi in disbelief, cupping his chin with his fingers.
"I believe that we have nothing to talk about." Oikawa smiled sourly as he walked towards his ex-lover, he stopped when his face leveled his and whispered into his ears. "It was so nice seeing you again, Hajime. Thank you for the painful reminder of the past."
"Are you alright Oikawa-san?" Nishinoya asked when he came across Oikawa, who seemed to be zoning out. The brunette ignored his inquiry as he smiled at the short guy in front of him. Nothing had changed when it came to Nishinoya's appearance. Tiny tufts of hair bleached with a dirty blond hue still cascaded over his forehead. His hairstyle was still the same back in high school, ruffling his locks upward. And Oikawa noticed that Nishinoya hadn't grown an inch over the years, the thought making Oikawa chuckle inwardly.
"A-Are you alright, Oikawa-san?" Nishinoya pouted as he cupped his chin with his two fingers. Oikawa gave him a nod in response and he petted his hair, tangling it, before walking past the multi-awarded libero. Nishinoya's brows furrowed as he ruffled his hair upward, his eyes fixated on Oikawa's retreating figure.
The sea smelled like a sail of which billows had caught up water, salt and the cold sun. It had a simple smell, the sea, but at the same time it smelled immense and unique, so much that Oikawa hesitated to dissect the odors into fishy, salty, watery, seaweed-y, fresh-airy, and so on.
Oikawa lifted his head up as his eyelids fluttered shut. The skies were already crimson red as the sun descended through the sky, towards the horizon, and Oikawa couldn't help but marvel at the breathtaking sight. Unbeknownst to him, tears started to stream from his hazel orbs as he stared aimlessly into the open seas.
Oikawa was quite sure that he expected this to happen. The thought of this day has been haunting him ever since he left. Oikawa was sure as hell that he looked like a complete idiot in front of Iwaizumi, he prepared himself for this day, and he couldn't believe that he was limited to just three sentences earlier. He was supposed to say more, his thoughts was supposed to say more, but Oikawa realized that what happened earlier was much better. He didn't want to ruin Sugawara and Daichi's special day, anyway.
His lips broke into a smug smile as he grabbed a glass of Sauvignon Blanc, as one of the waiters passed by. Oikawa gripped the wine glass tight in his hands as he took a fine sip of the drink. Oikawa's cheeks flared at how strong it was, but the booze surely assuaged the heavy feeling on his chest, washing down all the pain he was feeling along with the beverage.
Oikawa finally met him again after three years.
The man who made his heart do somersaults whenever he caught a glimpse of him, and the man who shattered him into pieces, all the same.
Oikawa thought that he was all set for this day to come. He thought that he wouldn't feel a single pang in his chest when his gaze met Iwaizumi's. He thought that he would be able to look at him in the eye, and with a smug expression on his face, he would say: "I made it, I survived. I survived three long years which felt like forever without you by my side. I'm finally healed, Hajime. What I once thought was a permanent scar, has finally mended. I'm finally whole again."
Oikawa heaved a deep sigh as he left the wine glass on top the high table nearest to him. His vision sought Suga and Daichi, but he decided to just send them a message saying he already left.
The skies were already dark and the lights flickered on as Oikawa made his way out of the venue. His feet brought him directly to the parking lot, where his trusted driver left his car for him.
•••
The skies made rumbling sounds, and it wasn't long enough until rain water started to pour. The rain gave off that fresh, earthy smell as it hit the ground. The scent assaulted Oikawa's nostrils, causing his lips to twitch. He quickened his pace as he groped around for his keys inside his pocket. His other hand was on top of his head, shielding it from the rain.
"Shit!" Oikawa let out a firm cuss as he dropped his keys, emitting a faint chinking sound as they hit the ground. Oikawa couldn't see a thing with his glasses bleary, with the raindrops and the parking lot being dimly lit.
Oikawa was already soaking wet as he let out an annoyed huff, still unable to find his keys that fell to the ground. He noticed that he wasn't getting any wetter, and if the rain stopped pouring over him. He looked around and saw that it was still raining, he could still hear its unpleasant noise as it touched the earth.
"Hey," the brunette nearly jumped, aghast as he turned around, his fists balled into a tight grip, ready to punch the unknown person who was behind him.
He lowered his defenses when he realized it was Iwaizumi, holding an umbrella in his left hand as he kept them shielded from the rain.
Oikawa's expression turned grim as he turned his back against him and continued searching for his keys again. "Here," Iwaizumi opened his palm as Oikawa slowly turned his head to the side, grabbing the keys from his open hand and unlocking his car door.
"Oi, let's talk, please." Iwaizumi's voice broke as tears started edging his eyes. Oikawa completely ignored his request as he revved up the car's engine, preparing to drive out of the venue.
"Please, Oi! Talk to me!" Oikawa bitterly pressed the horn repeatedly as Iwaizumi blocked his path, propping his hands on top of the headlights.
"What do you want to talk about Hajime?!" Oikawa finally gave in as he slammed the car's door behind him, his heart beat going ballistic as he bravely faced Iwaizumi with a stoic expression on his face.
"I just wanted to say sorry, for everything." Iwaizumi bit his lower lip as raindrops mixed with his tears on his face. He looked at Oikawa, who flashed his resting bitch face, seeming uninterested with what Iwaizumi has to say.
Iwaizumi dropped his usual forbearing facade and showed Oikawa how broken he was without him. He grabbed Oikawa by the arm, as the brunette tried to get inside his car again. Oikawa quickly retrieved his hand from Iwaizumi's grip as he smiled sourly, "Apology accepted."
Oikawa huffed away the few streaks of chocolate-brown locks cascading over his forehead. He revved up the engine once more as he drove out of the parking lot, but Iwaizumi was keeping up with him, chattering indistinct things as he continued knocking at the car's windows.
Iwaizumi's pleads came out as muffled screams to Oikawa, they seemed almost distant because of the rain. But one line made him step on the break almost immediately, bringing his car into a halt. "I want you back, Oi! Please come back to me!" Iwaizumi quivered as Oikawa mindlessly stepped out of his car, staring at Iwaizumi as tears threatened to fall from his eyes as well.
"W-What...did you say?" Oikawa asked in a hushed tone, but it was audible enough for Iwaizumi to hear. Anger started to build up inside him as he clenched his fists tightly.
"I want you back." Iwaizumi hissed, as a punch knocked him off his feet, he wiped the blood coming off his wounded lips as he looked bleakly at Oikawa, who was towering over him.
"HOW DARE YOU SAY THAT TO ME NOW!" Oikawa punched Iwa's chest repeatedly as soon as the latter got to his feet. All the emotions, all the pain, all the heartaches Oikawa experienced weakened him as Iwaizumi gripped his wrists tightly and pulled him tight for an embrace.
Oikawa cried on Iwa's chest as his ex-lover tightened his hug around him. He wanted to struggle, he wanted to break loose, but Oikawa knew he didn't have the strength to do so.
For a better reading experience, play the song in the media section.
"I want you back, Oi. I want to let you know that we got divorced. I immediately went looking for you. I went to your house, but your parents never told me where you were. Believe me, Oi, I tried to find you, but I guess destiny didn't want me to locate you, not until today." Iwaizumi explained in between his sobs as he planted a small kiss on Oikawa's head.
With all the strength he had left, Oikawa pushed Iwaizumi away as he pointed his fingers at him, his face filled with rage and unrestrained fury. "AND HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO CHANGE EVERYTHING? HOW IS THAT SUPPOSED TO CHANGE THE FACT THAT I WAS HURT? THAT I WAS BROKEN? HOW?!"
"You don't know how hard it was, Hajime. You don't know how hard it was without you by my side. You were my air, and losing you wasn't easy. You were as pleasant as the smell of freshly cut grass. You were sweet and compelling like a sip of fine champagne. I stopped dreaming Hajime, I stopped living, because you know what?"
"W-What?" Iwaizumi's lips trembled as thunder roared from the skies. He clasped his hands tightly, unsure as to whether he is prepared to hear Oikawa's answer.
"How could I possibly dream again when every dream that I had was with you? You were always involved in one way or another. I was such a fool to believe that we'd fulfill them together, because right when we were halfway there, you gave up on those dreams. I left because I was hurt, I left because I thought you were different, I LEFT BECAUSE I THOUGHT WE WERE DIFFERENT!" Oikawa's whole body shuddered as he fell on his knees, remembering the excruciating pain he felt when he decided to remove Iwaizumi from his life completely - an attempt in which he miserably failed.
"I would always tell myself: don't block it out, don't cut so it stops, don't drink yourself numb. Just sit and let it all rip you apart. And then get up and keep breathing. One breath at a time, one day at a time. Wake up, and be shredded. Cry for a while, it's fine. Then stop crying and go about your day. You're not okay, but you're alive, and you will be okay, someday."
Iwaizumi's eyes broadened, his whole body quavered, he never knew until now how much damage he caused in Oikawa's life. The sight of him in tears was too much for Iwaizumi to take, he felt like his system was shutting down. "P-Please give me another chance to prove myself to you Oi. Let me mend your broken heart."
"Enough. Please don't hurt me again Hajime. You have no idea what I've been through after that day. I was nothing but a lifeless vessel that stopped living. I just existed. I'm done being your cheap umbrella. One that's pulled out from the back of your closet on a rainy day. All you do is use me to get you through your storms and then shove me back again when your sun comes out. I want someone who realizes my worth, someone who values me over anything else, and someone who wouldn't treat me like I'm an option." Oikawa remembered all the countless nights he cried himself to sleep, all the times he prayed to die just to get him out of his misery. It was painful, and Oikawa didn't want to experience that again.
"J-Just one chance, Oi, one more chance. Let me inside your world again, give me the opportunity to make you believe in love again, please." Iwaizumi's voice faltered when he gripped Oikawa's hands tightly, he brought them close to his lips and kissed them. He could hear their hearts beating despite of the heavy rain, he could feel their longing for each other.
Iwaizumi smiled sadly as he patiently waited for Oikawa's answer. "No," Oikawa firmly said. "I'm quite sure I don't want to take a trip down memory lane. No, I'm not looking back to rewrite our story's past, I already gave up on you three years ago. Even if you try to win me back, I won't give in. I may love you still, but I'm not coming back. Just give up Hajime, stop wasting your time."
"But why? Do you think I'll stop now? What makes you think that I'm giving up on you, now that I know that you still love me?" Iwaizumi's eyes were very expressive, Oikawa loved the way they shined under the dim light of the post. He could almost see the whole universe in those green orbs, but the longer he stared, the universe within them was replaced with his hatred for him. His rage, and the pain Iwaizumi made him feel. Oikawa seemed distracted for a moment, but he snapped into reality and answered Iwaizumi's inquiry.
"Because you're not worth the fight anymore."
Oikawa trudged his way back to his car, starting up the engine once more, as he drove away from the place, leaving Iwaizumi behind.
He cried as his thoughts wandered as he drove. He cried as he remembered, what once was. He cried as he remembered, what they once had.