- Rynn's POV - (Still the same day she met Mark just later in the day.)
"WAIT! So you're telling me that you met Markiplier?" Lisa freaking out on her couch with me nodding to her. "I don't believe you." Shane saying in a bored voice as I roll my eyes at him. "I have a picture as proof!" Taking out my phone seeing my new lockscreen of me and Mark.
I mean I had to put it as my lockscreen, he's my idol!
"Look." Showing him my phone as he just nods. "Okay, never mind, I do believe you." Shane saying to me as I nod. "But as much as I would love to hear more about Mark I have to get to class. Have fun you two." Waving goodbye to me and Lisa as he hugs her goodbye before leaving her dorm.
"That is awesome!" Lisa exclaiming to me before smirking devilishly at me. "So is he hot in person?" Asking me without missing a beat making me awkwardly chuckle. My face growing a deep red with my heart racing a bit more just thinking of it. "Yeah, very." Confessing to her before locking my phone putting it back into my pocket.
"Well do you want help with your homework now?" Asking her to try to change the subject as she rolls her eyes at me. "I know what you're doing Rynn." "I'm not doing anything." Remarking to her as a counter even though we both know exactly what I am doing. "Whatever. Help me with my homework and then we will talk more." Commanding me with me just nodding.
I am not going to talk to her about how Markiplier is. Even though he is handsome with no question to it.
- After homework -
"Anyways. Did you ever figure out how you feel with Sean?" Lisa asking me while she lays on the couch taking it all up as I sit on the floor looking up at her.
That's the thing though I don't think I ever did figure it out. But I know I do but I don't have it figured out. I don't know how to explain it either but I know somehow she will understand.
"I don't know. That's just the thing about it Lisa. I feel like I already know the answer but I won't let myself accept the answer so I just ignore it or something without realizing it. I mean is that even possible?" Asking up to her as she nods. "It is." Sometimes I feel like she is my mom giving me advice. This is one of those moments. "Tell me more about it. Tell me whatever is on your mind about it, tell me everything in your heart when you think about Sean. I want to know everything." "Everything?" "Everything."
She wants to know everything. The thing is I want to know everything as well but I don't know everything. That's the whole problem! I don't know my emotions for Sean! I just don't know how I feel for Sean... I wish I did and I want to know but I don't.
But I know that Lisa won't take me saying 'I don't know' again. She's tired of hearing me say that. She's told me. So I guess I should just spill my heart out to her now or at least before she snaps me out of my own mind again.
"I don't exactly know my feelings for Sean to be honest. I know somewhere deep down I do know but I think I won't let myself know until I meet him. I don't know exactly which one it is yet though or maybe I do."
"Rynn, you're overthinking this. Just take a deep breathe and tell me how you feel." Lisa interrupting me for a good cause.
Taking in a deep breathe as I was told to do then holding it for a couple of seconds before exhaling and looking back at her. "Better?" "Better." "Good now tell me what your heart feels."
Nodding thinking about Sean smiling to myself just thinking about him.
"Lisa, when I think about Sean I can't help but smile. Even though I haven't met him in person he makes me so incredibly happy. He has so much positivity it just rubs off on me and makes me even more positive. I feel like I've known him for years and I don't even know what he looks like. I want to know what he looks like and I've debated about asking his mother of what he looks like. But I don't want to be a creeper even though she did want me to meet him. Well she still does want me to meet him but a part of me is to scared to ask her and another part of me thinks I will chicken out to meet him. I mean I don't even know what his eye color is and yet he's so captivating to me. Something about him makes me want to know more about him. I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing yet. I mean I take his journal everywhere with me now just to make sure I don't lose it. I hold it in my sleep so I don't feel alone. When I'm not reading more about him I feel so lonely. More lonely then I've ever felt in my whole entire life. I mean I know that sounds so weird but it's true." Running a hand through my brunette hair looking at the ceiling above me while I lay flat on my back.
My mind just surrounding of thoughts about Sean a man I've never even met before.
"I've never even met him before but I'm always thinking about him. I want to know more and more about him but at the same time I want him to tell me instead of reading them. I want to hear all his secrets from him but I also want to read them all. I want him to stay mysterious to me but at the same time I want to meet him. I don't even know how old he is. But I want to meet him and just hug him. I want to go up to him and hold him at night. I mean in a way I already hold him at night, in a weird kind of way when you really think about it." My whole heart spilling out of my mouth laying it all out in front of me.
"I want to know what he looks like but I feel like if I meet him I might judge him to hard. Maybe he will judge me to hard and not like me. I don't know if I can handle that kind of judgement. I don't know if I'm ready for something like that. I know the more I read the more I want to know about him but I can't help myself. He's like this secret of mine that I don't want to a secret anymore. He's like this mysterious man that I want to just unravel and make my own." Continuing to confess everything to my best friend as she listens quietly to my ranting about Sean.
"I'm scared to meet him though. I mean what if I'm secretly expecting this guy to automatically like me or something. I can't do that to him. He's so humble, sweet, caring, and loveable. He's like the perfect guy in his writing but what if he's not like that in real life. Then if he is the perfect guy like I think he is then what? What do I do from there? I don't have any answers to any questions about Sean. The only thing I know is I like to read about him and I want to meet him one day, Lisa. I really do." My heart still spilling out all these words without thinking.
"He seems like such a genuine guy and I haven't been able to think about anything but him since I found his journal. I can't even concentrate on YouTube at all without thinking about him. To be honest I felt so guilty talking about Markiplier and how handsome he is. I feel guilty right now actually just saying it again. The thing is I don't know why I feel guilty. It's like I'm cheating on someone that doesn't even know about my existence. This is all to weird for me sometimes, Lisa." My brain not thinking of any words I'm saying still. Lisa just laying on the couch staring down at me listening to me ramble on about Sean. She's such a good best friend, I don't think I could ask for a better one in my whole lifetime.
"I feel like I know Sean and a part of me feels bad for him not being able to know me back. The worst part of it all is though that I know one day I'm going to finish reading his journal. But I don't know what I'm going to do when I do finish it. I mean I might just reread it over and over again but then what? I still want to know everything about him and I can only find out so much from one journal. I want to know everything about him, Lisa. I don't know how to express that enough." Putting my hands behind my head still staring at the ceiling imagining what Sean would look like.
"I mean I did feel really guilty when we were talking about Mark. I don't know how to explain it but I did. I don't really understand why since I don't even know Sean but I felt so bad for thinking about Mark. I mean Mark is my idol and everything but I still feel so guilty. It makes my heart heavy when I think about it right now. When I think of Sean I feel super light like I could float away at any moment. I feel like a child that just tried their first thing of candy. I can't explain it all in words but I just get warm on the inside and I'm super happy." Finishing my ramble to her as she just nods down to me.
"So you're telling me after all of that you don't know how you feel about this mysterious Sean?" Lisa asking me with a small smile on her face. Shrugging my shoulders a bit just thinking about everything I had said to her. "What do you mean?" Asking her while thinking about everything. "It's obvious Rynn. You just got to let yourself know it." Telling me.
She's right though. I do know how I feel towards Sean I just wouldn't let myself until now realize it.
"So do you know now Rynn?"
"I think I like him." Confessing to her as she smiles down at me. "You've liked him for a long time but I'm glad to see you finally admitting it to yourself." Chuckling a bit still staring at the ceiling above us. "Yeah, okay I like him. There. Are you happy now?" "Yep. But you have to meet him one day Rynn." "I will, I will." Waving her off a bit knowing she is right.
"I'm just not ready." "No, I know you. You are ready you're just scared." "That's why I'm not ready yet Lisa." Frowning a bit closing my eyes hoping she will stop pestering me for the day. "We'll talk more about it another day but it's getting late. You should get home so you can read before you go to bed."
My face flushing my eyes opening as I look over at her smirking down at me. "I wasn't going to read when I got home." Lying to her as she just rolls her eyes at me. "Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just go home Mrs. McLoughlin." "Don't call me that!" Whining while getting up walking to her door. "Bye Mrs. Dawson!" Rolling her eyes at me as I shut the door and walk down the hallway to get to the exit.
- At home in bed -
Laying down in bed looking up at my wooden ceiling thinking about Sean. Everything I said to Lisa today about Sean is true. The more I think about what I said to Lisa the more he won't get out of my head though. I should go ask his mom to meet him I mean I don't think she will mind to much. She was the one that kept telling me about him at their family dinner.
I don't know yet though.
I do know that I like Sean McLoughlin.
Word count: 2,214.