Welcome to my life and my thoughts. Poems.

If anything this could be goodbye.

I wrote this one quite a while back, and there was a lot of anger that I just vented out here... This one isn't all about me, in fact it is only a little bit, because otherwise I wrote this when my friend was going through a horrible time and she just seemed to pass all of her anger and negativity to me... 

P.S Thank you so much to those people that have voted on certain chapters, it keeps me going...

It’s not completely the fact that they’re doing this to me,

It’s more the fact that they lie to my face every day,

And have done for who knows how long,

I can see them talking about me behind my back,

They don’t understand,

Why I am the way I am,

Why I have to put a mask on my face every day,

I hate the way I am,

So much that I’ve been so close to ending it all,

The humiliation of those ‘close friends’ knowing,

Not all of them, but most of them,

I shouldn’t have the blame,

It’s not entirely my fault,

But she’s convinced everyone what a monster I am,

She’s covering something, more than I know,

I know more about her than she knows and thinks,

I don’t know quite how I ended up like this,

I used to be the crazy person everyone knew,

I used to laugh and have a carefree life,

Not having to think every word before saying it,

I’m no longer who I was,

I’m not that girl that everyone loves,

The ‘crazy’ me, that’s supposed to “me”,

I’m not who I want to be,

I smile every day,

When deep down I feel like dying,

I ‘laugh’ every day,

But now I feel guilty about it?

I don’t know what to do anymore,

Those thoughts are coming back and slowly taking over again,

They’re everywhere, haunting me,

It’s just impossible to put your past behind you, isn’t it?

You act like the smart one, the one who does this without me “knowing”,

You thought you knew me?

Huh, don’t make me laugh,

You never knew the real ‘me’,

And how all of this happened without me “knowing”,

I’ve known longer than you think,

In fact I’ve known from the beginning,

I’m not as stupid as I make out,

You know only half of me,

The half that’s all an act,

Ok, maybe you’ve seen more than that,

Maybe you’ve seen like three fifths,

I’m always injured and ill?

According to you that’s ‘injured’ and ‘ill’,

I hear these things, you know?

Not my fault I can’t cope,

I’ve coped for so long with all this anger,

Pain,

Jealousy,

And sadness,

For too long,

It’s starting to show,

No matter how hard I fight it,

But believe it or not,

I’ve been like this before,

I can’t go back to that way,

For I know it could end up ending me,

For good, maybe for the better?

See, this is how I’m thinking now,

I even contemplated telling you?

I felt guilty for never telling you or explaining,

But you should be feeling guilty,

This all started over something stupid,

I lost track of how many times I said “sorry” after about 200,

You lie to my face every day,

You lied your way to gaining my trust,

Now if I end up the way I was,

Or worse,

You will feel guilty,

Because somewhere deep down,

I know you feel something,

Other than anger and bitterness,

You can deny it all you like, but you’re only human with feelings and emotions,

I’ve heard you cry once,

But you denied it,

I’ve seen you crushed before,

But saying ‘you were fine’ every day,

You’ve seen me cry several times,

You’ve seen me crushed more than several times,

But you never tried to help,

You didn’t try to make me tell you,

You asked once and that’s it?

That was when you were ‘there for me’,

Yeah right,

How many lies have you got?

Did you ever care or actually think it might have something to do with you?

I thought I trusted you,

I did,

But no more,

I trusted other friends too,

They trusted me,

But now you’ve made them just like you,

Made them see differently,

Changed them,

Almost cloned them,

I can’t trust them now,

Because of you!

You’re their leader,

I have no one to trust,

So everything’s bottled in,

I have no one to talk to,

So everything stays bottled in,

This hurt and pain,

Just turns to anger now,

And I can’t control it,

It explodes on people, who don’t deserve it,

And sure I may be feeling sorry for myself,

But at least I feel!

Thing is with me,

Nothing’s ever simple, is it?

People think I live a great life

They know nothing,

How I trust no one,

How I don’t let myself speak the truth,

Or what I’m thinking,

It goes beyond friendship and relationships,

It continues to every inch of my what’s meant to be “life”,

I have issues everywhere,

At school,

At home,

With other people,

With ‘friends’,

With my ‘family’,

With my feelings,

And emotions,

It’s taking everything from me,

But one thing I will never let it take is my memories,

Of when I was truly happy,

And that crazy person,

When I had fun with you,

The amazing days I had with you,

But then with every good memory, there are two bad ones to accompany it...

I can’t stop it anymore,

If anything this could be goodbye.