Dark clouds hung over the stables the next morning. Just like they were hanging directly over my head. Mum had a right to be angry of course. Not only was I riding again but I'd lied to her to hide it. And Clay. No doubt he was angry too.
I'm not sure how long she'd ranted and raved in the front room, but by the end of it she was hoarse and exhausted. She'd cried, I'd cried, and I know at some point I begged. But to be honest once she'd gone it all became a blur.
The only bright point was that at least she hadn't dragged me away like I'd imagined she would. Although the way she suddenly went quiet and then just left was just as heartbreaking as if she had. By the end, my mother couldn't even look me in the eye she was so angry. And betrayed. I think that's the part that was even worse than her anger. She'd trusted me and now she didn't. I'd hurt her with my lies. If I'd have had the courage to tell her I wanted to ride she'd have been upset, worried mostly, but she wouldn't be feeling like she did now.
But, I felt genuine panic at the thought that she might stop me from riding. I can't. I won't. She may not have dragged me away yet but I didn't feel any sense of relief because there was still the chance that she would.
For me, this hadn't been a great week. First Connor, then my mum. All I needed to do now was piss off Amber and I'd have the whole set.
'Hi.' Amber ventured softly over Blaze's door. I continued to fasten the girth I was tightening. 'She didn't tell you to stop then?'
'Not yet. Thought I better make the most of it before I find myself back in London.'
'She wouldn't do that. Would she? Not before the Showcross.'
'Amber she was yelling before I even told her about that. You should have seen the look on her face when I did. It's like she was considering calling the men in the big white truck to come and take me away in a straight jacket.'
'Oh. But after all the work you've put in. And Blaze. It wouldn't be fair.'
'I know.' Although I'm not sure I believed that. Maybe it would have been unfair if I'd been honest and told her from the start. But I'd lied and maybe this was my punishment.
Clay was quiet as we made our way down to the bottom field for cross country practice. He barked orders, sending Amber this way and that, over logs, through water, up a bank. But they were short sharp instructions, nothing more.
He said even less to me. Half the time I was wondering if he'd forgotten I was even there. It didn't escape my notice that when he did tell me to jump something it was one of the smaller, simple fences. In the end I turned Blaze towards a couple of the bigger ditches and a large, imposing roll top. I spotted Clay watching but he made no comment, turning his back again and focusing on Amber.
I knew he was angry too. I wish I could turn back the clock and be a fly on the wall of the common room when he was chatting with my mum. I'd love to know what they discussed. When Amber and I walked in they both seemed so calm. Like, scary calm.
But perhaps this was Clay's version of punishment. Or maybe it was just me overthinking it. I don't know. Everything seemed to be coming to a head and I was drowning under the pressure of it all.
'Shhhhhiiiittt!!!! I cursed under my breath as I faced Blaze at the Trakehner.
'Concentrate Jenna! You had Blaze right under that fence.'
'Sorry.' I replied breathlessly.
'Don't be sorry. Just pull it together. I promised your mother you were safe down here. Don't make me a liar.'
That stung. But I made no reply. I deserved that. And at least it was a sign that Clay must have fought my corner and somehow persuaded my mum not to drag me away. I'd love to ask him, but I was so wracked with guilt - and fear - such a question would probably win me a dressing down from my uncle. So much for being brave. Guess Tiff was right - I am a coward.
'Jenna!!!' Clay yelled once more. 'What did I just say?!' He added exasperated.
'Concentrate. Sorry.' I replied nervously.
I'd just landed Blaze on another awful stride. If he wasn't such a talented jumper he'd have either refused or worse, crumpled in a heap right on top of the Irish Bank.
'I'm sorry boy.' I patted a hand to Blaze's neck. 'Won't happen again. Let's have a go at the Table shall we.
I focused my eyes on the center of the massive wooden table. Blaze pinged his ears forwards as he locked onto it and bounded forward full of energy. Strangely at this moment it reminded me very much of the big oak dining table in Maggie's kitchen. I wondered if there was any chance that I would be sitting down to dinner at that table tonight - with my mother sitting on the other side. That would be nice. Hopefully we could.....CRUNCH!!!!
The loud clatter of Blaze's hooves scrambling across the wooden top brought me straight back to reality. My mind had wandered again and despite his ability Blaze was right under the table when he took off - leaving him nowhere to go but straight up. He grunted from the effort as he tried to find some purchase on the flat table top in order to kick off again. The look on his face was one of surprise and concentration as his mind worked quickly to correct my error.
Unfortunately, the fact that I could see Blaze's face meant that I was flying through the air - legs, arms and everything in between, flailing wildly. I was falling again. Only this time it was from a much greater height. As before, everything seemed to slow down. I watched in horror as the ground became closer and closer and then SMACK. My whole body crashed into the hard ground with a sickening thump. I lay there dazed, staring blankly up at the dreary grey sky.
'Jenna!! Are you alright?' Clay's distant yell found its way to my ringing ears. I could hear his stomping feet running towards me but at that moment I just wanted to be left alone.
'I'M FINE!!' I yelled angrily and then promptly burst into tears. An unstoppable wave of salty tears broke free and streamed down my face like they were in a race to get to my chin. I vaguely heard Clay telling Amber to walk Phoebe back to the yard. His feet continued in my direction but they were slower now.
My neck twinged sharply as I suddenly panicked for Blaze but I breathed a sigh of relief when I whipped my head round. He was calmly sauntering off to the edge of the field to tuck into some extra long grass.
I eventually rolled onto my side and then slowly sat up. Thankfully, despite my expectations of some serious pain, there was nothing but a few dull aches and stiff joints.
Cautiously, I pulled my legs towards me and sat on the ground sobbing uncontrollably into my hands. I hope Maggie bought me two pairs of gloves coz these ones are gonna be soaked by the time I'm done.
Clays heavy footfalls finally reached me and I sensed him sitting on the grass beside me.
'You're hurt?' He asked softly, concern clear in his voice. When I didn't reply he stretched out a hand and rubbed a comforting hand on my back.
I snivelled loudly but finally managed to shake my head in response to his question. Truth is I don't think my tears had anything to do with falling off. No doubt I'll be a little sore tomorrow and there's definitely a few areas that are gonna be bruised - but that's not why I'm crying.
Everything from the last few days seemed to have crammed together in my head and the fall had jolted them out of me - my mum, Connor, the thought of going back to London, and yes, my constant heartache of missing my dad was in there too.
'Talk to me Jen. Tell me what's going on in that head of yours.'
'I can't.'
'Why not?'
'Because you're mad at me aswell. I don't want to make things worse.'
Clay sighed heavily.
'I am mad Jenna. Of course I am. You lied to me. To all of us. You told me Alice knew what you were doing.' His tone was reproachful but not too harsh.
'I know. I'm sorry.'
'What would have happened if you'd had a serious fall?'
'I don't know. I don't want to think about it.' And I really didn't. I mean what would have happened? Mum would have been like Godzilla ripping through the stable yard. Blaming Clay, blaming Maggie and Joe....but it wasn't their fault - it was me.
'Me neither.' Clay sighed.
'Guess I'm not as brave as you thought.' My eyes burned as the torrent of tears continued to streak down my face.
'Come here kiddo.' Clay opened his arms wide and I sunk into them gratefully. 'I was mad. Still am, a little. But I do get it. I just wish you'd told me the truth. I would have understood.'
'But mum doesn't. She doesn't understand.'
'You didn't give her the chance. Have you told her how you feel?'
'Not really. Everything I did say just seemed to make it worse.'
'Now that just sounds like another excuse to me.' His tone remained soft but there was an edge to his words. 'Why don't you start by telling me. Kind of a practice run. Hmmm?'
'I don't want to go. I don't want to stop riding. Not again.' I said short and sharp.
'And why not?'
'Because I love it. I can't imagine doing anything else.'
Clay beamed. He understood. He felt the same way.
'Then that's what you need to tell her.'
'But she was so angry. She won't listen.'
'You don't know that. You're getting yourself worked up over something that might not happen.'
'She won't though.' I sulked, finally wiping away the last of my tears.
'Look Jen. She's angry right now because you lied but she's not blind to what is best for you. If this is the one thing that makes you come alive you should fight for it. It's your life after all. And, well, it might sound harsh Jenna but, if your mum's uncomfortable with you riding again that's her issue, she'll have to deal with it. But she can only start to do that if you're honest with her. Yes?'
'Yes.'
'So what do you need to do?
'Talk to her.'
'And will you promise me you'll do that?'
'I guess.'
'Promise?'
'Ok.' I sniffed weakly. Clays words made perfect sense but it still took all my courage just to promise him that I would talk to mum. How was I ever gonna summon up the strength to actually do it?
'Good. But, in the meantime Jen - are you going to get back on that pony?'
'Hell yeah!'
**********Only three more chapters to go. Thank you to every one who's read this far. If you're enjoying it please don't forget to vote. Thanks x**********