Steve noticed I came out with a sudden smile in my face, big enough for him to think I was bipolar. He waited for me in the hall, and I came there, walking carefree. I didn’t begin to notice Steve was observing me as he held our doll baby around his arms.
“Are you okay?” he asked due to my sudden change of mood.
“What?” I paid my attention back to Steve as Alexander had walked away out from my sight. “I beg your pardon.”
“What are you so struck about?” he chuckled. Well, I wouldn’t blame him. Alexander did strike my mind with just a smile.
“Me? I’m struck?” I denied in a good vibe. “I’m not.”
Steve nodded and smiled, like he figured something out. That wasn’t reassuring for me.
“So, how are we gonna distribute the work?” I went back on track with him.
“Well, that’s going to be tricky.” He said. “I’ve got afternoon shifts. I’m a cashier and in-room dining order taker.”
“Oh.” I reacted. Somehow, I could relate to him. I used to work at a diner, too. It’s a good thing that my father sends us money even when he left me and mom for his other family. I refused to take his money, but mom insisted, and I wanted to help out mom as much as possible. “So, you’re not gonna be free on afternoons?”
“Hardly ever free. My girlfriend and I rarely date, like twice in a month. She’s working, too.”
“What a hassle.” I commented. Of course, I didn’t want to put any pressure on Steve since he’s a really nice guy. “I could take care of it. I mean, I have all the free time I need. I even get bored sometimes.”
“No. I don’t want to do it like that.” He rejected my generous offer. Well, it was his choice. “I want to help out, too, you know.”
“That’s nice, but it’s really okay with me.” I insisted. Like I’ve said, I was a feminist. “I can cover it on my own.”
“Are you sure?” After what I said, he looked like he was about to accept my offer. It seemed liked I forgot how I sucked at taking care of babies, but I was sure I would prefer to do it with no help. After all, I was not good with talking to guys even though I would seem like a lesbian.
“I won’t be needing your help. I’ll be fine on my own.” I said that in a nice way so it won’t seem like I’m boasting. He seemed to have taken no offense, but he did look at me like I was weird. Well, maybe I was.
“Are you some kind of feminist or something?” Well, he figured it out. Not that I cared, but I still wanted to make friends somehow.
“A bit.” I nodded. “I refuse to get help especially from guys.”
“That’s cool.” He chuckled. “I mean, I appreciate what you’re doing. With that, I won’t have to be stressed with all the work and projects. I mean, it’s just the start of the school year, and I’m dying already.”
“Have you actually calculated how much longer you’re going to work, like have you thought of how longer are you still gonna work?”
“Yes.” He said with an assuring smile. “I would have earned enough money by January. I’m trying to get in Stanford.”
“Same here, but I’ve raised enough money before last summer.”
“Lucky you.”
“Yeah.” I tried to make a joke about it, but all that came was the silence. It seemed like we had nothing more to talk about. He obviously wanted to leave. He barely had free time, as he claimed. When it took long enough, it was good Steve shoved some words out of his mouth.
“So, I’ll be seeing you next week?” he concluded.
“I’ll see you ‘til then.” I said. Not that I wanted him gone, I just wanted some time with my thoughts.
“Alright.”
He handed me the baby doll. I tried to hold it like he did, but I wasn’t sure if I was gentle. As soon as I got a grip of it, it started making a crying noise. It bugged both Steve and me, but we just laughed about it.
“Oh my God.” I laughed with him. “How do you do it?”
“I don’t know. Try this bottle.” He handed me the baby bottle.
“Wait. I’ll try.” I laid the doll on one arm and used my other arm to put the baby bottle into the mouth of the doll. I tried shaking it while I did, and it stopped making the cry noise a few moments after. Well, basically I was awesome. “I did it!”
“Nice.” Steve chuckled.
“Okay.” I sighed. “I guess I can take over from here.”
“Okay.” He started walking back. I wasn’t planning on leaving until he did. Then, he walked away. “See ‘ya.”
“Adios.”
I watched Steve walk away and turn to another hallway. I felt like I was rooted to the floor. I wouldn’t move. I thought how great that project would be if Alexander was my partner. Winnie was so lucky. And did she even realize that? My imaginations flew. I thought of having that baby doll as a sex result of me and Alexander, but I stopped thinking like that. I thought I should have respected him more. My eyes were glues to the baby doll when I heard my phone ring. I realized I had too many shit on my hands, so I placed the baby bottle on the floor and reached my pocket for my phone.
“Hello?” I answered.
“Liyah.” It was Nick who called again.
“Oh! Hey, Nick!” I wanted to come up with a way to drive him away, but I couldn’t figure anything out. “What’s up?”
“Hey. Are you having lunch with us?”
“Wait.” I pulled my phone away from my mouth for a moment and had thoughts. I tried to think of anything to decline him, but I couldn’t. I could have said that I still had a baby doll to attend to, but I just thought doing that would be so boring. And –hey- either way is boring. “Sure. I’m coming out there.”
“Okay.” He said with an excited tone.
I hung up right after. I thought of hiding the baby in my locker for the rest of the day, but I didn’t know what the hell that thing could have done. I just thought of bringing it along at lunch, so I did. I went on my way to the cafeteria outside, and I was sure I was not holding the baby right; I held it around my arms and pushed against my breast. I didn’t know if the guys I walked past were jealous of the doll or disgusted, but they were staring. I got to the cafeteria and found Nick, seated on the table. Nick saw me and smiled. He told me he was with Laura or at least some other people. He asked if I was going to join them, and I assumed he and I wouldn’t be alone. I didn’t want to be in any date situation with Nick especially in public.
“What are you doing?” I sounded a bit mad. Nick looked a little startled with my reaction.
“What is?”
“I thought you were with Laura or someone.”
“What do you mean?” he clearly didn’t have an idea what I was talking about.
“You said ‘Are you having lunch with us?’. And I assumed that there will be someone else here! You know how I feel about that!” I should have watched my words. I ended up hurting his feelings. Girls shouldn’t do that to their friends.
“I’m sorry. I just thought Laura was joining us.” Nick sounded like a beggar.
“Oh.” I was silenced. I judged Nick a little too fast. I sat down, concerned with what he felt about my sudden outburst. I placed the baby doll with my stuff on the table. “I’m sorry. I just thought you’re doing that again.”
What I meant by ‘doing that again’ is that Nick is trying to get me like him. It means he’s trying to get back with me. I haven’t told him that I could never have felt anything for him because it would definitely hurt him, and I won’t do that because I’m his friend, but it became really annoying when he won’t stop.
“I’m sorry, too.” He said. I felt sorry for him again’ I always did. It was like I was this punishment to him when he never did anything wrong. “I shouldn’t have gotten you imply that. I shouldn’t have gotten us alone. I know you don’t want me to try anymore.”
“Nick.” I wanted to change his mind. But would that make things true? I thought not. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. I don’t want you to be hurt. You’re one of my best friends.”
He gazed at my eyes for seconds. I couldn’t look straight. I felt guilty for so many reasons. Did he feel that he was friend-zoned? I didn’t know if I would be satisfied or doubtful if he did. I couldn’t say anything. I just thought I wished it was Alexander gazing at me like that. I wanted to tell Nick, but that would really hurt him.
“Don’t look at me like that. Say something.” I begged.
“I’m sorry.” He said. “I don’t always want to talk drama with you.”
“I’m tired of drama, too.” I nodded. “How about we save the serious crap for later?”
“It depends on how long I can wait.” Nick kidded. It seemed like the serious atmosphere had gone away.
“Stop that.” We shared a chuckle. “You sound gay.”
“And you sound like a lesbian.”
“Hey!” I joked about being intimidated. “I thought we were having lunch, not afternoon tearjerkers.”
“Yeah.” He laughed. “Let’s just get something to eat.”
I didn’t know what I wanted Nick to feel. He was obviously trying to win me back, but I wouldn’t let him. I’ve pushed him away, and I didn’t want to do that any further. But why did I feel like doing that whenever I saw Alexander? Why did I feel like I wanted to drive Nick out of my life the moment I saw Alexander? Was I that selfish? All these feelings I was confused me was surely driving me crazy.