Desi
I followed Ryder into the training room, the smell of sweat and leather filling my nose and feeling all too familiar to me now that I was in here everyday.
"So what are we doing today?" I asked him as he stopped in the center of the big padded mat in the middle of the room. "Weightlifting? Cardio? Anger venting session with the punching bag?" The more I spoke the bigger the whiff of coffee I scented from my breath reminding me of Ryder's gaze while we sat across from each other in the breakfast nook, my hands fidgeting nervously in my lap the whole time.
Ryder turned around to look at me with a smirk on his face. "Wrestling," He said, raising his eyebrows.
"Wrestling?" I asked him, suddenly jittery. "As in full contact?"
"Well, if you want to think of it like that.." His voice trailed off as he chuckled.
My hand rested on my hip, waiting for him to get serious and my eyes glared at him as the smile faded from his lips.
"Warm up," Ryder told me, bending his arm over his head to stretch. His muscles tightened, my gaze lingering on his ripped tricep as he stretched his arm across his chest.
I felt his ocean eyes on me, bringing my attention to his stare but quickly looking away when I saw the longing imprinted in his gaze. I straddled my legs and bent down towards my foot, my torso brushing along my thigh. I knew when Ryder was looking at me and every time I would lift my head to catch him in the act, he idly glanced at the clock on the wall or the punching bags dangling on the other side of the room.
I finished stretching and began to run in place, warming up my body. I got lost in myself, closing my eyes and drifting away to the woods-- to Cody.
Ryder cleared his throat in front of me, snapping me out of it. My feet planted into the mat and my chest heaved up and down as I softly panted.
"So tell me, why are we wrestling?" I asked, skeptical of his reasoning.
"You never know when an infected might charge you in the cage," Ryder replied. "Leaving you to grapple on the ground."
"And there's no ulterior motive to this?" I tried to hide the smile that twitched at my lips, pretending to rub my nose with my hand.
"I don't know what you're talking about." His face was serious but his eyes told a different story, revealing his lie. "Come at me," Ryder said, raising his arms out at his sides. "Give me every bit of strength you've got. You might get paired up with an infected man bigger than I am, so you need to be prepared." He watched me as I stayed in place, hesitating approaching him.
"Are you sure about this?" I said, suddenly feeling sorry for him. "You have no clue what I might be capable of."
A line creased between his brows and a smile stretched across his lips. "Show me what you've got."
I clenched my fists at my sides and quickly crossed the distance between us, my body colliding with his, my shoulder digging into his chest and my arms wrapping under his as I tried to heave him backward onto the mat. Ryder's body was a mass of muscle, not even budging as I shoved harder into him.
As if I were as light as a feather, Ryder swept his arm below my knees and dropped me lightly onto the mat, making me grunt in frustration. Before I had a chance to react he was straddling me on his knees, pinning my arms above my head with his hands.
I squirmed my body side to side, a chuckle rumbling in Ryder' chest, amused with his obvious strength over me.
"Ha. Ha. Ha," I taunted him. "So hilarious." Struggling to get out of his grasp I lifted my head off the ground, stopping short when I saw how close our faces had become, the scarce proximity between our lips heating the air that separated us. I felt Ryder's body relax above me, his eyes glazing over, and I took this opportunity to quickly pull my arms out of his loosened grip, snaking underneath his arm so quickly he didn't even know what was going on.
As Ryder reached for me, hoping to stop me and win again, I pulled my legs out from between his and crawled up a few feet before rolling onto my back, arching my leg through the air--my calf connecting with his jaw and plunging his face into the mat with a loud slap.
I took his moment of confusion to quickly straddle myself across his stomach and pin his arms up by his head, knowing that he could easily lift himself up if he wanted to, but he played along, acting as if I really was restraining him.
"Ha. Ha. Ha," I scoffed triumphantly. "Now that's hilarious." My eyes closed as I laughed victoriously.
I could feel Ryder's breath on my face, making me hesitate before opening my eyes. His head was lifted off of the floor, my eyes gazing into his deep blue ones. I knew what he was going to do, but yet I stayed where I was, feeling the heat of his body dance across my skin through the thin layer of material that were my yoga pants.
Ryder closed the gap between us and pressed his lips against mine, pulling his arms out from my grasp and holding my face between his hands. For a small moment I actually kissed him back, my lips falling in sync with his, until I lurched myself away from him, scrambling on the floor.
Ryder sat up abruptly, reaching his hand out to me. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice disappointed. "I shouldn't have done that. I don't know what I was thinking."
I stood up and straightened out the wrinkles that had formed on my pants. My cheeks flushed and I brushed a stray hair away from my face nervously.
"Um," I said, avoiding his gaze. "I should go." I pointed with my thumb to the door behind me.
"What?" Ryder asked, his hand falling back down to the floor, resting behind him. "Why?"
"I'm not ready for this Ryder," I told him, finally looking into his eyes as he looked at me. "I can't just act as if everything between Cody and I never happened and kiss you like that."
"So you did kiss me then," he teased, a smile creeping onto his face.
"This isn't funny." I waited for his smile to fade before continuing. "I'm grieving Ryder." I looked down at my feet, the reality of everything really sinking in, speaking aloud all of the thoughts I have kept to myself. "I cry myself to sleep every night, because I lost him. It's my fault you know. It's all my fault."
"It's not your--"
"Yes. It is my fault." I felt my eyes begin to wet and I refused to look at Ryder, not wanting to cry in front of him once again. "If it weren't for me he would still be alive. He's dead because he tried to fight for me and his fight wasn't even worth it because I'm still stuck here. If he didn't love me like he did, he would have just let me go and lived, but no, he tried to save me and it got him killed. Imagine where he'd be if I hadn't gotten in the way."
"Don't say that," Ryder said, his voice comforting me. "Don't regret a love like that."
I ignored what he said and lifted my head, my gaze colliding with his. "And I can't do that to you." Somehow I kept my voice from shaking. "I can't let you care about me like this because it will only end badly for you. Vivian's got it out for me, making a list of people she can kill off just to keep me in line. I don't want to add you to that list and I don't want you to feel an attachment to me, driving you to protect me with every bone in your body, even if it means death. I can't let that happen, you've done so much for me already."
"And I'm glad to do it," Ryder said, resting his elbows on his knees. "I will probably still do it even if you ask me not to. I can't help it."
"I can take care of myself," I told him, narrowing my eyes. I flicked the ends of my ponytail over my shoulder and turned to leave, Ryder's voice stopping me.
"Evan came by my room after you left this morning," He said, making me halt in my tracks. I spun back to look at him, an unfamiliar pang of jealousy rushing through me and I clenched my fists at my side willing the feeling to drift away.
"She did?" I asked him, pretending not to care, even though my new-found emotion told me otherwise.
Ryder's eyebrow cocked, taking in the look on my face. "She was distraught and terrified."
"Why?" I asked, suddenly feeling nauseous.
"She tried to poison Vivian." Ryder sighed and looked down at the floor between his legs. "Vivian taunted her about her boyfriend Damen, telling Evan that he betrayed her. She slipped some rat poison into her coffee, but got caught when Vivian made the guard drink it."
My hand flew to my mouth, covering the gasp of horror that threatened to come out. "And Evan's not dead?"
Ryder tilted his head up slightly, his cheekbones defined as he looked up at me. "Vivian made it pretty clear that she'd be dying in her match tonight."
"Oh my god." I smoothed my stray hairs away from my face, my palms lingering on my hairline. "What are we going to do about it?"
"There's nothing we can do." Ryder shook his head. "We will just have to hope that she can make it through the match, she's pretty damn quick."
"So you're saying we just watch her fight for her life?" I asked, astonished at his words. "Would you do the same if it were me? Because I know I wouldn't just stand on the sidelines if it were you."
"That's different," Ryder argued, red flushing his cheeks. "I wouldn't let that happen to you."
"And you're just gonna let it happen to Evan?" My voice filled with anger. "What kind of person are you?"
"A person who wants to protect someone that he cares about." His words rushed through me, swimming through my spine and tingling at my heart.
"But we can't just let--"
"If we were to try to stop it what do you think would happen?" Ryder's voice was suddenly quiet, wanting me to really listen. "We would die. Aundrea would die. Haley would die. Evan got herself into this mess and I'm hoping she can get herself out of it, but I will not put your life on the line."
I suddenly felt guilty as I thought of putting Aundrea's life at stake, when I wasn't even sure if I could have succeeded.
"You're right," I said, crossing my arms across my chest. "But you can bet your ass that I won't be sitting silently in the audience. I will put in my word."
Ryder looked at me, I mean really looked at me, his eyes boring into mine as if he was seeing my soul. I began to fidget with my shirt under his gaze, nerves fluttering through my stomach.
"So where did you learn those moves?" Ryder asked, his voice suddenly calm and casual. "You really put one over on me back there." He chuckled and ran his fingers through his short hair.
"Summer Camp 2006," I told him, smiling to myself as the memories of lake days and small summer crushes filled my mind. "I kept beating all of the girls, so they moved me to the boy's division. I beat most of the guys too." I shrugged my shoulders as if it was no big deal, and listened as Ryder's chuckle grew louder. I soaked myself into the moment, enjoying how easily Ryder could take the pain and fear away.
"So you're really leaving then?" Ryder asked, cocking his head to the side. "We could go a few more rounds." He motioned to the mat underneath him and winked.
"No, I'm good," I told him even though a small part of me wanted to touch him again, but I restrained my hand, tucking it underneath my arm and turned to walk out the door. "I'll be ready at seven," I informed him, even though he knew the routine.
"It's a date," Ryder said, and I glanced over my shoulder eyeing him as he laid down on the mat, folding his hands behind his head.
As I walked out the door I wrestled with the emotions flooding through me. Thinking of Cody was like a fire. My love for him seared through me so quickly and so heavily that it left a pain so unbearable it sometimes took my breath away. But with Ryder it was like cold water. He washed away the pain, numbing it, relieving me, and soothing my broken heart.