We had been in Rivendell for five days. I arose earlier than the others, getting a small breakfast, sometimes, before them, speaking to the Elves in their native language. They smiled and were very good natured toward me. I would go off around the courtyards, and the gardens, admiring them. I would garden with the Elves, my nimble hands pulling weeds, or pruning trees.
The entire time, I was away from the dwarves. Where there was the company, there was Kili. Sometimes I would see them, but I would walk away before they had a chance to call after me. I grabbed my meals, often skipping lunch, and ate them in the willow tree, taking the plate back to the elves. Fili joined me for dinner. Otherwise, I was alone for the other two. Sometimes I went to the library to read, or take the book to the tree. At night, I would head to bed very late, after the dwarves would be asleep. I was exhausted and hungry sometimes, but I didn't care.
Often, while I wandered about, always making my way back to the willow tree I loved, Fili would join me. Sometimes it was filled silence, and others it was filled with stories from our pasts. "Fili." I said as we strolled. It was midday, just before lunch. "You always speak of your mother, but might I ask why you never speak of your father?" He stopped, and I turned back.
"Our father went off to battle one day, and he never came back. He is dead. We were very young, I was maybe ten or so, and Kili was five. I don't remember much of him at all, and I know Kili doesn't. All I remember was that our mother loved him deeply, and mourned heavily upon his death. According to her, he was kind, brave, and a family man, but also deeply loyal to the kingdom. I wish I knew him."
"I'm sorry. I didn't know. He sounds wonderful."
"He would have liked you. He seemed to have been a great man. Don't be sorry. It's not that sore of a subject anymore." I faced him, and grabbed his hands, squeezing them.
"I understand. I never knew mine either. I was ten according to Dwalin when I had come to him. This is all I have left of them." I said softly. I pulled off my ring, and Fili took it, examining it. "It was my mother's. My father gave to her as her wedding band obviously." Fili held it out, and I put my hand out. He slid it on my right ring finger, a smirk on his face. I met his eyes, smiling. Then I laughed. It must have looked quite ridiculous if anyone saw that.
Fili caught onto my laughter, and we stood there, our amusement echoing off the walls and around the garden. "This is the happiest I've seen you since we arrived at Rivendell. I'm glad." He grabbed my hand once again, holding it snugly. "It must be near lunch time. Would you like to get some now? Before the others arrive?"
"Yeah." He offered me his arm, bowing exaggeratedly.
"Shall we go, Miss Iridian?" An amused laugh left my lips, and I couldn't help the smile that graced my lips even after. I bowed as well, linking my arm with his.
"Yes we shall, Master Dwarf." I said. We walked in silence, unlinking our arms as we arrived. Talking was heard, and I froze. The company was already there. Fili stopped as well, his eyes looking back at mine with worry. "I'm not ready to face him, Fili."
"Come on. You can do this. Just get your lunch, and then you can leave to the willow." He said gently. His hand found mine, pulling me along to the others. My feet moved numbly, and dread filled my heart. I hadn't faced Kili since the day we arrived. I still wasn't ready to. He let go of my hand once we got in proximity of the dwarves.
I silently picked up a plate, staring at it. I looked up, and saw everyone watching me, silently. They were waiting for what I was going to do. I caught their eyes, Dwalin's, Balin's, Thorin's, Fili's, Bilbo's, and my eyes flickered to Kili's, as much as I tried to keep them away. They were filled with sorrow, and he looked like he wanted to say something. I looked at my plate again, and set it down, turning away, and running. I stopped behind a wall, and used my hearing to listen.
"The lass still is hurt." Balin said finally. "She couldn't even face us for a meal."
"She's going to be hungry." Bilbo chimed in. I shook my head, and continued my way to my willow tree. I swung up into it, my leg scarring nicely. It didn't hurt. I watched the boughs sway in the breeze. Immediately, my mind calmed, and I regretted how I acted. That was so cowardly. I couldn't have gotten lunch and left. But was to overwhelmed with dread and sadness, I ran. I cursed myself at my cowardice.
My stomach growled, and I cursed myself again. I started to sing a small song to take my mind from it. "Run, run, run away. Buy yourself another day. A cold wind's whispering secrets in your ear, so low only you can hear. Run, run, run and hide; somewhere no one else can find. Tall trees bend and lean pointing where to go, where you will still be all alone. Don't you fret, my dear, it'll all be over soon. I'll be waiting here for you.
"Run fast as you can. No one has to understand. Fly high across the sky from here to kingdom come. Fall back down to where you're from. Don't you fret, my dear, it'll all be over soon I'll be waiting here for you for you, for you. Don't you fret, my dear. It'll all be over soon. I'll be waiting here. Don't you fret, my dear. It'll be over soon. I'll be waiting here for you for you, For you. run, run, run away. run, run, run away." My nerves calmed after finishing the song.
"Miss Iridian?" A voice called in surprise. I looked down and saw the little Hobbit, holding two plates of food. One was full, the other partially eaten.
"Bilbo? Whatever are you doing here?" I reached down for the food, placing them in a secure spot before helping Bilbo up into the tree. He sat down across from me, and I handed him the plate with half eaten food on it.
"I figured you were hungry. Fili told me in private where you might be. I heard you singing and followed you here. You have a lovely voice, and quite a beautiful hiding spot." He said kindly. I started to eat the food, gratefulness shining in my eyes.
"Thank you very much, Bilbo. I must thank Fili as well." We continued to eat in silence. Despite the fact we were not speaking, it felt nice knowing there was someone eating with me today.
"Why have you been avoiding us?" Bilbo said suddenly. I paused from my meal. I looked into his eyes.
"It's not all of you. I'm only avoiding Kili. But because he's around all of you, I inadvertently avoid all of you. I apologize for that."
"Isn't it lonely? Being without the dwarves?" I paused once again before answering.
"It is lonely, but I have Fili keeping me company. He's been walking with me while we've been here. I mean I do miss being around all of them, but I cannot really face Kili."
"I understand." Bilbo said. "Don't you eat breakfast alone?" I nodded, not telling him I usually didn't. I set down my empty plate. "Would you like some company during lunch? I can only assume Fili eats with you during dinner being as he's absent. I'd be willing to eat with you here. The silence would be nice once a day." I smiled at Bilbo.
"That would be lovely. Thank you for the offer." He nodded at me, a polite smile on his lips.
"I must be going now. Shall I send Fili?" I took the plate, helping Bilbo down, clambering down after with the plates. I shook my head.
"No. I want to go and garden with the elves. Tell him I'll be waiting for him at dinner." I said, handing him the plates. He nods, and begins to walk away. "Bilbo?" I called. He turned around. "Thank you again, for lunch." He smiled, called an answer, and walked away.
I turned the other way and started to the gardens, and was greeted by elves. They all knew me fairly well over these days, and smiled as I worked alongside them. For hours a pulled weeds and cared for the plants, a serene feeling washing over me. "Don't water yourself in gird seed. Don't cover yourself in thistle and weed. Rain down, rain down on me." I hummed as I gardened. They started walking away, it being dinner time. I said goodbye, and thank you, before heading to the willow tree.
I perched in my spot, waiting for Fili to meet me. Moments later, I hear someone whistling a familiar tune. "To dungeons deep, and caverns old." I sang with the whistling. Fili arrived, looking up at me, a smile on his face. I grabbed the food as he swung up. He sat across me, and I started to dig in.
"I take it Bilbo found you?"
"Yes. He did. Thank you, Fili. I'm sorry I had to make him sit and eat with me."
"He didn't mind at all. In fact, he said he quite liked it. I agree. It's quiet, and it's nice to see you in a one on one situation. You're a little different than with everyone."
"Explain."
"You're more open. You laugh more. You smile. You're just more lighthearted." My lips quirked up. "See?" A soft laugh bubbled from my lips. We ate in silence for a while, the only sound being the clanking of our silverware.
"Fili? Was what happened at lunch cowardly? Are my actions in general cowardly?" His eyes widened, and he set his empty plate on another branch, scooting closer to me.
"What? No. Not at all. You're dealing with things your own way. It's alright that you don't feel like being around Kili. Plus, I know that you like time to yourself." I set my own dish down, half full of food, and stared at my lap.
"I can't but feel this is cowardly. That what I'm doing is stupid, cowardly, and just in general, awful." Tears I'd suppressed welled up, and started leaking from my eyes, dropping onto my sleeve. "It's not fair to you and Bilbo to spend time with me away from the company. Especially you. He's your brother. I'm sorry Fili."
"Hey. Hey." He grabbed my shoulders, and pulled me to him, embracing me. He moved until his back was leaning against the tree. He pulled me to his chest, and I leaned into him. I felt like a child, and I started to protest and move. He only held me tighter. "Stop being stubborn, and let me be nice, namad." I relented, sitting in Fili's lap, resting my head on his shoulder. Tears fell down my nose, onto Fili's furs.
"You're not being cowardly. I know that you're surprisingly sensitive despite not wanting to admit it." I glared at him, but didn't say anything, for he was right. I was secretly made of glass, albeit broken, hidden behind walls of stone which were cracked as well. "It's not stupid. I know you can't face Kili because you can't see him without seeing what happened. I understand, he was an ass. I don't mind being with you. I've grown up with Kili. I like the quiet, and I like getting to spend time with you, namad." He called me sister again.
"Are you sure?" I looked into his cerulean eyes, and he smiled.
"Absolutely sure." He answered. The sun started to set, the colors filtering through the cover of the branches. I smiled at the beauty. Fili's arms remained around me, and he set his head against the crown of my own.
"Thank you. For willing to be here."
"Anything for a dear sister." He answered. We settled into talking again, telling me the events of the day. Kili sulked, Dwalin glared, Bombur ate, nothing exciting. All the while, his brotherly embrace stayed around me, giving me warmth. I listened to the sound of Fili's heart, a steady beat that was slightly slower than his brother's. It's almost as though his slower heartbeat was one of an older, more wiser, kinglike beating. My eyes started to close, hypnotized, and lulled to sleep.
"Hey. Come on. Let's get you to bed." He said, shaking me lightly. I went to pull myself from his grip, when I felt a tug on my hair. I yelped, as did the blond dwarf. I turned slightly, to see my hair caught in his beard. One of the beads was caught in my wavy hair. I started laughing next to the just as baffled dwarf. "Of course." He started trying to untangle it, but it just caused the both of us pain. His face was drawn in concentration.
"Stop. Just stop. Let me do it." I chuckled. He put his hands down, and I focused my eyes on the tangled piece of hair. My considerably smaller hands worked out the knot in moments. He looked at me. "I used to untangle nets for fishing trips. Plus I live with this lion's mane I call hair."
"You have nimble hands then. And I know trust me." He answered. I finally slid from his grip, uninhibited by hair. I met his eyes, and another wave of laughter broke out between us. We were gasping for breath almost, when we stopped. I grabbed my plate, clambering down. Fili followed soon after. His eyes traveled to my half eaten plate. "Not hungry?" I shook my head. We walked back to the pavilion where we ate, and set our plates down. "Iridian? Don't eat less than you deserve." He said, looking at the uneaten food once more.
We meandered toward the room we shared. Once we arrived, we pushed open the door. "I'm going to spend time with the company. Let me know if you need anything." He said, patting my shoulder. I nodded, closing the door. I slipped off my trousers, dressing in an oversized shirt, reaching down my mid thigh. I grabbed a towel, and walked into the adjoining bathroom. I turned the hot faucet, letting the tub fill up. I closed and locked the door.
Once the tub was full and steaming, I stripped of my clothes, and dipped into the water. The burning sensation of the water was one I welcomed and enjoyed immensely. I sighed, leaning back, and hummed a small tune. The water relaxed my muscles, taking my mind from all my troubles.
A knock sounded at the door of the bathroom. "Go away!" I called. The person knocked again. "I said go away!" I shouted, perturbed. I dunked my head under the water, my hair floating at the surface. The blonde turned to brown once the water hit it, as it always did. I wasn't sure why. It wasn't because of dirt, it just did. Though, when the light hit it, it looked more amber.
I started to run out of breath. I held myself under for a few more seconds, until spots started showing. I came up, gasping for breath, breathing deeply. One more knock sounded. "Iridian. Please. I know you're in there. I need to talk to you." My breath hitched, and my heart shattered again. A lump forms in my throat, tears welling my eyes.
"Kili, I said go away!" I screamed, my voice breaking. I picked up the dagger I carried at all times, just in case. I turned around, throwing the dagger. It lodged itself into the wood. No response came from the other side. I waited for something, and then I heard the other door open, and close. I sighed, tears falling down my face, into the bath. I sunk under the water once again, letting myself almost black out again before resurfacing.
I did it again and again, wanting some sort of release from the pain in my brain. The water started turning tepid. I decided I probably should end my bath, having spent who knows how long in there. I grabbed some oils, putting them in my hair, and using the soap offered. I dunked my head under once more, getting rid of the oils. I drained out the bathtub, grabbing the white towel sitting on a stand. Drying myself, I slip on my undergarments and the shirt, before wrapping my hair into the towel. I looked at the door, seeing the knife still embedded into it.
I pulled it out, unlocking the door. I slowly cracked it open, poking my head out. No one was in there. I walked out fully, seeing the room dimly lit. I finished drying my hair, before brushing it through. I walked over, and blew out the lamps. The moon light slanted through the window, giving a soft light. I made my way to my bed, crawling under the covers. My eyes dropped closed, and I fell into a well needed oblivion.