Moriah Scott
"Would you consider yourself scarred from your experiences growing up? That had to of been traumatizing for anyone who's suffered traumatic losses like that starting from such a young age. Something must really be bothering you Moriah, we haven't talked like this in a few years and you stopped making the effort to schedule appointments" My therapist said and I looked at him for awhile before my eyes moved elsewhere.
I'd had two therapists in my entire life but this was the one I began seeing when I was a teenager and he was more affective then the other one. His name was John Theron and he allowed me to call him John and for some reason that just always stuck with me.
"I feel hopeless right now and even with all the medication in the world I don't know why I still feel like this. It's this feeling of having so much anger and sadness that's always been here but nobody knows how that feels because they don't think like I think and they don't feel what I feel and sometimes I wish I wasn't mentally ill and that I was normal" I said clearing my throat.
"You being a little different is not your fault, okay? Bipolar disorder can not be cured but that is why I am here to help you lead a semi normal life Moriah but you will never be considered what's normal, nobody is and you have to accept that" John explained.
"I know that's not it, it's just I don't know what to do. People think that I'm just mean but I can't help it I just don't know how to show the affection they think I should and everything in my life is stored in my brain. I do what I'm suppose to do but this feeling inside won't subside and it's always there. I don't know how to be happy" I ranted as I looked into his eyes.
John sat the clipboard down to the side and folded his leg over the other and just stared at me as I stared back. His expression was as serious as mine but instead of seeming angry he smiled and looked away for a minute.
"What frustrates you is the fact that people don't get it and they don't understand it because when you look at everyone around you they don't understand how you feel. Ever since your brother died you've felt alone because he was the closest person to you, right?" John questioned and I shook my head no.
"I accept that he's dead and our relationship consisted of us looking out for each other and me taking on the roll of the older brother because he was spoiled by our parents. He understood me but not as much as my sister does because we feel the same and think the same thoughts we just express them differently" I remind.
"I remember a distinct conversation we had a really long time ago about your relationship with her. Where you said when you saw how people treated your sister as opposed to you it made you feel worse than you already did but you never elaborated on that specifically" he reminded.
I remained quiet and looked around the room as he went over to his file cabinet and looked through some folders. It lasted a couple of minutes before he pulled out a large file with my name on it.
"What I meant by that is we think the same thoughts, she says the things that I feel and I say what she feels and when we disagree she's always right in the end but I never voiced that to anyone. When I was a child I was very depressed and I didn't know why, I'd tried to kill myself as a young child but when my sister came I don't think I've ever felt happiness like that before" I said quietly.
"Have you ever had suicidal thoughts recently? Thoughts where you might've felt as hopeless as you feel right now and how you felt back then?" John questioned.
"All the time, maybe twice a month where I actually consider it in deep thought and how I'd do it. I think I'm emotionally disturbed" I said a little above a whisper.
"You don't voice these thoughts to your wife? To anyone around you?" He questioned and I shook my head no.
"My mother would probably cry and move in, my father is just now getting out of his own depression and my wife wants to talk only so she gets what she wants out of me. She doesn't care" I said avoiding eye contact.
"I'm sure she cares Moriah but you have to open up and you have to let her know, you have to let them all know" he explained and I slowly stood up.
"I feel like this is considered being weak that's how everyone looks at it. Being bipolar is being over dramatic, you're a therapist so can you honestly look me in the eyes and tell me everything will be okay and tell me that I'll eventually get better? People have been feeding me this bullshit since I was a child but what you won't say is the fact that it doesn't ever get better! I'm so fucking tired of feeling like this it's like I'm running a race with myself that I will never fucking win! My father and uncle won't even accept that their mentally ill and my sister is to busy running away from it all because my family is emotionally fucked up in every way imaginable and my wife wants to bring a fucking child into this shit! But because I'm the only person thinking realistically and not falling for some bullshit fantasy about everything somehow magically working out I'm a horrible person!" I shouted in complete anger.
"And to you everyone is an idiot, is that right?" He asked and I nodded my head. I walked around the office and looked at all the black and white painting.
"Until people can feel what I feel they can't judge me. I don't know if I even believe in a god anymore why would I want to? He made me like this and he makes no mistakes right? So why have I felt like this since I was an innocent child? Maybe there is a god and maybe he just has a fucked up sense of humor or something, I don't know" I said allowing myself to calm down some.
John motioned towards the couch across from him and I sat down and closed my eyes briefly before opening them.
"We're making progress even if it's small progress. You aren't the first person to feel like this and feeling like this doesn't make you weak, it makes you strong for dealing with it. But the only way I'm going to move forward with you is if you admit you have a problem and you need help, that means showing up for every single appointment and just venting to me. Holding all of this in isn't going to make you happy Moriah and if we really want to get to the root of the problem we need to start at your childhood and work our way up" he stated looking at me.
He awaited a response as tears clouded my vision and I looked around the room again trying to put a wall back up but I couldn't do it, my mind wouldn't allow me to do it. Usually when something like this happens I can hold it in and go on with my life. I hadn't cried since Elias died.
"I-I don't know what to do, I need help and I have a problem" I cried brushing my tears away and he handed me a couple of tissues to wipe my face.
"Your brain is just wired differently that's all, it's okay to admit that you're scared and that you don't wanna feel like this anymore. But if I'm being honest until you get into a better place in your life you do not need to bring a child into this world it's not healthy and it could be triggering for you" John admitted as I leaned back on the couch.
"Sometimes I don't know why I got married, people say Nandy deserves better like I forced her into marriage when it was the other way around. I've never felt this way about a female before, I've had a girlfriend before but I've never had a real relationship like this and it's confusing" I said spacing out.
"Who were you the closest with out of your mother and your father?" He asked and I stared at the white pale wall as his question took awhile to register.
"I don't know, I love them both and it was equal for the most part. I guess I spent a lot of time with my father when I was a smaller child but I started living with my sister when I was fifteen and then I lived with Elias until I was eighteen" I said remembering.
"And why did you live with your sister and not your parents? Did you feel more comfortable with her then them or do you feel your sister took on more of a motherly instinct then your own?" John questioned.
"I love my mother and father and I love my sister" I responded with a shrug and he leaned forward and looked at me as if he wanted me to elaborate.
"I know your feelings towards your family members aren't as simple as you put it. You tell me what you feel comfortable with telling me but there has to be a reason why you're so protective of your sister. From what you described you seem to have taken on the older sibling role a long time ago" he said.
"Nobody is ever held responsible for the choices that they make except her. I use to want to understand but now I don't because I don't care about any of that anymore. At first I was mad and angry that someone had taken Elias away he was my support system and he was my brother and I loved him but-" I began but paused.
"No continue, I like to hear your thoughts Moriah we are making progress!" He cheered as I bit the inside of my cheek.
"I don't want to continue on that subject" I responded looking into his eyes and he sighed and leaned back some in his seat.
"Moriah I think if you jus-" he began but stopped when he saw the glare I was giving him. He folded his hands in his lap.
"Well then I'll just listen, the floor is all yours and you tell me what you want to tell me. Starting when you were a child" he encouraged.
I stood up from my spot on the couch and walked around the room slowly with my arms behind my back as I thought. He had a book shelf on the back wall, half of the books I'd already read and the other half weren't interesting enough.
I liked to read books that didn't have covers on them no matter how boring they were I just like to see the different tones that each of the books had and look at different perspectives of main characters.
"The first time I tried to kill myself I was a small child and my father was yelling about something I can't remember, it was probably something small or dumb. I just remember this nervous feeling that crept over my body and this feeling of complete sadness, not the typical sadness but this feeling can't be described or explained. Something simple that I should've cried over and let go of it after I got out of timeout I overreacted to it. I remember pulling at my face and just scratching it in anger because all the feelings I was feeling I'd never felt before and it was coming at me way to fast and all I knew in that moment was I didn't want to feel like that ever again. I couldn't take feeling like that and so I tried to hang myself but my mother came in and grabbed me before I could figure it out but I was determined" I ranted as I opened the candy jar.
I grabbed some jelly beans and placed them into my mouth as I continued to admire everything in the room.
"You used the word overreacting, why? Why do you think you overreacted?" He questioned as I chewed and glanced out of the window.
"That's what normal people like you call it, right? I overreacted because I was yelled at and tried to kill myself that's simple" I remind putting more into my mouth.
"It's not simple and it's not that cut and dry, like you said an average child might cry or throw a tantrum but you tried to hang yourself. There is absolutely nothing simple about hanging yourself being that young" he reminded.
"That was when my parents got me my first therapist. I use to draw pictures for him all the time and bothersome stuff like that. Nothing interesting happened really after that" I shrugged.
"Really? Your therapist marked that your selective mutism had grown worse after the death of your brother Tristan. You shut down for awhile and use to draw the grim reaper or color with black crayons, can you tell me if you remember that?" He asked and I clenched my jaw.
I slowly opened my hand allowing the jelly beans to fall into the trash can and remained silent. I glanced at John and he sat awaiting my response for five minutes until he got the hint.
"Did I upset you by asking that? If I did Moriah I'm sorry, we can gloss over that for right now" he said and I glanced towards the door.
"We've talked a lot today and I don't want to overwhelm you. I'll see you next Monday for another appointment, we made a lot of progress and I need you to want to get better" he said as he was about to close my file.
He grabbed an old drawing of mine out before he closed it and handed it to me. I didn't bother looking at it as I balled the paper up and walked out of his office feeling void of all emotion.
-
"Moriah I don't know what to do please just think about my feelings for a second. Children no matter how they turn out are a blessing and I really want to be a mother" Nandy cried. I slowly looked at her before feeling someone walk into the living room and glanced in that direction.
"Hey Mo I need you to do something for me, there's this drug deal I made but I feel like it's a set up. You mind asking around or something for me about the dude, my gut is telling me I should do it but my mind is saying something else" Sincere complained as he walked over and leaned on the couch.
I slowly stood up and walked away from the both of them and went into my kitchen. I fixed myself a plate of food before I sat down and preceded to eat feeling like I was in some type of trance.
Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Dre come into the kitchen. He was drinking a soda and he leaned on the counter and eyed me.
"What's up Mo? I came by to see you earlier but you weren't here" Dre laughed as he sipped on his soda. I eyed him briefly but didn't care to respond, so I chose not to.
I zoned everything going on around me out and focused on the car pulling into my driveway from the surveillance camera. I stopped mid chew as the back doors of the car opened and my two nephews pushed each other out of the car resulting in the youngest one Seven bursting into tears.
Ainsley jumped out of the car after and hit him in the back of the head before pushing him some more on the ground. Seven got up finally and went to my sister who was getting out of the car and looking through her purse.
It was obvious she was yelling at Ainsley by the way she pointed to the front steps and he sulked and sat down. Dre glanced at me as if I was suppose to have some type of reaction and I kept a straight face.
"Did you know they were coming?" He questioned as I chewed my food extra slow and blinked before nodding my head.
"I did" I responded hearing the doorbell ring. Dre got this look on his face before he smiled it off and patted my shoulders.
"It's about time we mend this broken family, this is big" he exclaimed. I noticed he wasn't walking on his crutches like he should've been, he'd been injured during a game a few weeks prior and had been benched for his injury and I knew if Zaire saw him not taking care of his leg he'd push him down.
Dre slowly sat down near me as the front door opened and I heard Nandy gasp. I looked down and shook my head picturing the fake smile that had probably crossed my sisters face at her dramatics.
I got up and went to the sink to wash my hands while Dre took it upon himself to slide my plate closer to him so that he could eat it.
"Bwoy stop it!" I heard a small child yell through tears and as I turned around I spotted my nephews running into the kitchen, Seven was trying to hit Ainsley and was growing frustrated because he couldn't hit him so he began to scream loudly while chasing him.
"This is why we never get invited to people's houses anymore, you need to stop!" Jesse's voice boomed as Seven ran into him. He snatched the five year old up and sat him down in a chair while Ainsley laughed and pointed behind Jesse's back.
"Bwoy, you think that's funny? Go get my belt from the car now" he said without turning around. Ainsley stomped away in tears with his hands balled into fists and I couldn't help the smirk that grazed my face as Jesse finally looked at me.
"Mo I'm sorry they been fucking with each other since we left the island. I already told them if they break anything I'd break them" he reasoned.
"It's alright, kids will be kids" I remind drying my hands off. Ainsley wore his hair in long dreadlocks and Seven wore his hair in shorter curls and resembled Jesse a little more.
"Are you calm bwoy? Because I swear if you start that yelling shit you're going to bed at five o'clock which is an hour from now" Jesse said to Seven who rubbed at his eyes and nodded his head even letting out a yawn which signaled he'd tired himself out.
Seven turned his attention to me before he hopped down from the chair and took a hold of his fathers hand.
"You don't remember him but this is uncle Moriah, this is mamas brother" Jesse told him as Ainsley returned holding a belt as tears streamed down his face.
"Fadda I'm sorry, I won't do it anymore honest" Ainsley cried as he looked up at Jesse who took the belt from him. Jesse pointed to another chair and Ainsley quickly sat down not taking his eyes off of his father who began to put the belt onto his pants.
"I was thinking that maybe we could go and get a tree in the morning as a family or whatever you prefer doing" Nandy ranted as she and Alijah walked into the kitchen.
"Whatever is fine" my sister said politely and Nandy nodded and gave me a look. I stared at my sister for awhile until she finally looked at me with a normal facial expression and raised an eyebrow.
I cleared my throat and folded my arms before Nandy gave me another pitiful look. Moving my arms back down to my aides I forced a smile.
"How was your flight? Did you already check into your hotel?" I questioned my sister who looked almost the same. She'd cut her hair a little shorter but hadn't really aged much to me, it was obvious she was going to age gracefully like our mother.
"The flight was nice and so is the suite, thanks for asking. It's good to see you" she stated and I could feel the awkward tension in the room.
Deciding to end the awkward encounter I walked over and pulled her into a tight embrace and she rested her head on my chest as Nandy clasped her hands together.
"Leave the past in the past, you chose your daughter over the bullshit and I respect it" I muttered as she kissed my cheek.
"Mama I'm hungry" Seven whined and I glanced at him noticing his tears had dried up and Ainsley followed suit wanting food also.
"Moriah I'm hungry too" Nate whined as he appeared around the corner. I glanced at Dre who was eating my plate of food and sighed.
"I can cook something!" Nandy said quickly and Jesse nudged Alijah with his elbow and she gave him an evil eye.
"How about we all go out to dinner, Jesse's treat" Alijah smiled as she walked away. I glanced at my wife before agreeing with a simple shrug as I helped her put the leftovers away in silence.
I figured these feelings I was feeling would subside for the time being, it wouldn't last long though.
Ajani Turner
"You had lots and lots of fun, yeah? You can't abandon your cartel anymore you're a prince likkle mon" one of Knox's guards joked as he cradled him like a baby. To the average person they looked or appeared like monsters and weren't people that you would feel comfortable with approaching but Knox was fond of a few of them including Kemba and Carter.
Carter was the one who was currently talking to Knox and playfully pretending he was going to drop him. Knox yanked on one of his dreadlocks and Carter frowned, he had lots of facial tattoos and stood at 6'6.
"Toy?" Knox questioned as Carter sat him down on the ground. My son was hyped up surprisingly after that long nap he took on the jet back to NewYork.
"That's all you think of me bwoy, eh? Where's my toy?" Carter questioned and Knox looked up at me and I played a long and looked at him with a shrug.
"Say boss sit on down right here and I'll be back" Carter ordered pointing to the carpet. Knox sat down like he was told and I glanced at Kemba wondering what was going on when I noticed he was staring at my ass, I made the guard next to him give him a nudge.
"What were you bwoys up to when I was in California? Why didn't you get involved when my husband left the club with that woman? Were you not doing your job?" I questioned in a normal tone and some of them grew uncomfortable.
"It's not my fault he couldn't hold his liquor" Kemba muttered and I sat down in the chair near him and turned my full attention on him.
"You think that I like to hear what I heard from other people and not the bwoys I trust the most? We aren't strangers we are a family, we grew up together on the island and if I can't trust you to have my back in all aspects of my life then why would I trust my son's life to you?" I questioned.
"Gyal I'm sorry but at least you saw the batty bwoy for what he was" Kemba defended and I shook my head at him.
"No he was drugged and he fucked up that night, not to hurt me. Kaine is my husband and maybe I overestimated you by thinking you could handle this. Bwoy maybe you feel home sick and you should go back to the island" I said looking away as I began to feel the shift in everyone's attitude.
"It won't happen again, you trusted me gyal and I let you down but it won't happen again. The mon is your husband and so he's family too, look me in my eyes so you know I'm telling no lies" Kemba demanded and I finally looked at him seeing he was serious.
"Lie to me ever and you loose your tongue" I said sternly and he nodded. Carter returned holding a truck and Knox gasped.
"Open!" He yelled as he stood to his feet and jumped. Carter opened the box and pulled out the toy truck that Knox could add to his collection back at home.
"It's an early Christmas present but I had to get him something" Carter said as he placed it on the ground and pushed it over to Knox.
"Toy?" Knox asked looking at another guard named Julez and he squatted down to my sons level and watched him play.
"I risk my life for you everyday bwoy, that's appreciation enough" Julez responded watching Knox. He was eighteen and the youngest of the group, he had a fade and was a dark skin tone and wore a nose piercing.
"Everything went smooth while you were gone gyal, besides the mishap with your husband. I apologize" Juelz said as he looked up at me and gave a cheeky grin but dropped it quickly when he saw the death stare I was giving him.
"And Johan, he and Kaine didn't get into it did they?" I questioned and some of the men looked around avoiding me.
"Nothing like that gyal just a misunderstanding that was eventually cleared up. The bwoy may be a hothead but it's only because he loves you" Carter chimed in.
I looked down at my phone that started to ring and I sighed seeing Kaine's number signaling he was outside. I got up from the couch and placed Knox's coat on him and his matching beanie before I put on my coat.
"Get your toy bambino, papà's here" I said as Knox grabbed his toy truck. Julez lifted him up and Carter grabbed our bags before he walked us out of the their place.
I'd come straight to their place because I wanted to clear some things up and have a mini meeting while relaying what went down between Calvin and I during the meeting and the agreement we came to.
I didn't want to make it awkward or uncomfortable when I saw Kaine but doubt started to fill my mind. When we got outside Kaine popped the trunk of his car allowing Carter to place everything in the trunk and he took Knox from Julez who winked at me and went back into the brownstone.
"My papà" Knox giggled as Kaine kissed his cheek and hugged him tightly telling him how much he missed him and once he finished he opened the backdoor and placed him in his car seat securely.
When Kaine turned to looked at me we stared at each other for awhile before he slowly spread his arms and I walked into them wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing his lips.
"Oh so am I still daddy? Or is this another set up?" Kaine questioned as I moved my arms from around him. He leaned forward and kissed me again and I bit on his lip gently and pulled at his facial hair.
"If it happens again you won't be" I responded as he opened my door for me. Kaine kissed me again as he smiled against my lips before he allowed me to climb inside so he could shut the door.
When I glanced into the backseat I noticed Knox had this look in his eyes and I knew he'd be sleep by the time we got home, I knew that burst of energy wouldn't last long.
"The house was so dark and lonely without you and Knox. Aaron is a nerd and does homework and watches TV in his room and I didn't have all the lights on how they usually are so it was so gloomy and shit" Kaine informed me as he started the car up.
"Sleeping without you is kinda lonely too, I couldn't just roll over and wake you up because I wanted to screw you how I normally do" I said truthfully and Kaine gave a sneaky smile before he slowly dropped it.
"We got a lot to talk about when we get home. I don't want dwell on the past but I wanna discuss what happened" he explained and I bit my lip gently.
"I know, but besides that is there any good news?" I questioned looking straight ahead. Kaine made a turn before he scratched at his eyebrow.
"Our offer for the house was accepted and I wanna start construction after the holidays, the whole upstairs is being remodeled" he informed me.
"That's good news, I don't wanna move around a lot and I want this house to have enough room for our children to grow and make memories" I said quietly.
"You want something to eat? We can stop and get something" Kaine offered and I thought about it for a little while.
"It's so cold out, let's go home and you can cook Chili" I said not giving him a choice and he quickly agreed, I knew he wanted to do everything to prove himself to me.
Truth was I'd had my day of being angry and petty but I don't want to take the bullshit into the new year and if we were going to work the shit out we had to actually work it out and there would be no grudges.
Since I was even in a good mood I'd decided to fully forgive my father for not walking me down the aisle and wipe my hands of that situation if he agreed to take his alcohol problem seriously and tried to better himself.
"Where is Aaron and why didn't he come with you?" I questioned glancing at Kaine. He glanced quickly at the time on his watch before back at the road.
"Oh he went to visit our grandmother at her nursing home, he should be back by tonight" Kaine said shrugging it off.
"You should've driven him, it's so cold outside and I could've had Kemba or Carter drop me off" I remind pinching his cheek and he smiled.
"He insisted on going alone and I don't claim that woman as my grandmother so it worked out for the best" Kaine responded.
I nodded and glanced to the backseat seeing Knox was starting to doze off. Sighing I relaxed back in my seat ready to take a shower and be warm in my own home.
-
I sat at the foot of the bed and applied lotion to my skin half listening to the news. Yoli was on so speaker phone talking about a big business opportunity she had and was trying to convince me to start my own fashion line but it wasn't something that I wanted to do.
"Gyal I like to go to fashion shows but I can't see myself creating anything, I don't even know where to start" I said quietly as I slowly moved my leg to the ground.
"It's not that you can't see yourself it's the fact that you don't want to try something new. You've always been obsessed with clothes Ajani and I only started my clothing line because I didn't know what else to do" She stressed.
"I'm busy enough as is, maybe this time next year we can think of something but right now I have no interest in that" I remind as I stood up and grabbed my phone. I took it off speaker phone and placed it to my ear before leaving out of my bedroom.
Knox was still asleep and I could smell Kaine cooking downstairs which made me anxious for Aaron to come home, I wanted to see him. He'd called me every night just to say goodnight and to make sure I was okay when I was away.
I glanced down the hall and noticed Kaine was standing in Aaron's room. He motioned for me to come here and I reluctantly came towards him noticing he was holding a box full of cash in different clips.
"Yoli I'll call you back" I said before we both hung up the phone. I glanced at Kaine who moved some of the money and an expensive diamond necklace came into view along with a golden bracelet.
"Why are you going through his stuff? Put it back" I demanded and Kaine made a face as he took a seat on Aaron's bed.
"Aren't you the least bit curious about where he got all of this money? This is almost thirty grand and this jewelry is expensive as fuck" Kaine informed me.
"You still shouldn't go through his stuff, maybe he has a reason. Maybe your grandmother gave it to him or something" I shrugged and Kaine smacked his teeth.
"My grandmother is sick and probably can't even remember who he is and I didn't snoop I went into his closet because I was looking for something" Kaine said looking away from me signaling he was in fact snooping.
"Fine, if you wanna know why don't you just ask the bwoy? It's not like Aaron is a drug dealer on the low and he doesn't steal" I said folding my arms.
"I can't ask him then he'll know I was in his closet" Kaine said dryly as if I was slow. I made a face as if to say 'exactly' before I left out of my brother in laws room.
It was a lot of cash but Aaron had to of had a reason for it being there. I always trusted my instincts and I had a good feeling about him, I've always had a good feeling.
As I went down the stairs I glanced at the time on my phone and noticed it was getting late. Sighing I dialed Aaron's number and placed the phone to my ear listening to it ring twice before he answered.
"I'll be home in two hours, I already did my homework but I'm really busy" Aaron said quickly. I could hear cursing in the background and traffic.
"Do you want me to pick you up from your grandmothers nursing home? I don't want you riding the bus or the subway this late" I offered.
"No it's fine but I have to go. Bye and I love you" Aaron said into the phone. He sounded like he was in a rush but didn't hang up right away.
"Love you too" I sighed before hearing the phone beep. I slowly moved the phone from my ear hopeful that if he was in some type of trouble he'd come to me if not Kaine or Johan.
"I put it back and I won't snoop anymore but I did find something. Since you don't wanna know I just won't tell you" Kaine shrugged as he went to walk passed me but I grabbed his arm and stopped him.
"Do you really think you should play with me right now?" I questioned curiously as I clasped my hands together and eyed my husband who bit his lip.
"He's been writing to an inmate, some nigga locked up in New Jersey named Moses and you won't be able to guess what his last name is" he smirked holding up a letter and I looked at him wanting him to continue.
"Ajani it's McKinley and I bet he's connected to Alvin" Kaine said and I raised an eyebrow as I took the envelope from him and opened it since it'd already been opened before.
"Aaron is fifteen they wouldn't allow him to go and see an inmate without an adult so that couldn't of been where the bwoy went, let's look at everything before jumping to conclusions because that's how you end up looking stupid" I said pulling out the letter.
A picture fell out and Kaine picked it up and looked at it briefly before he handed it over for me to see. Aaron looked about nine and he stood next to a boy who looked a little older than him and stood a little taller.
The boy had his arm wrapped around Aaron's shoulder and they were both laughing at something.
"Okay say this bwoy does know Alvin I don't think the connection would be made right away. Not a lot of people even know you have a younger brother but if this Moses yout is connected to Alvin we know New Jersey would be the first place to start looking and that means Dash knows a lot more than he's letting on" I said folding my arms as I read the top part of the letter but stopped myself from reading any further after the first sentence.
I folded it back up and placed it along with the picture inside of the envelope while Kaine stared at me as if he wanted me to continue explaining.
"I can't think hard all of the time Kaine, I need to relax I just got home" I complained and he came up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist loosely. I froze up some at first but eventually relaxed as I placed my hand over Kaine's.
"I apologize, you're right. Now let me show you how sorry I am" Kaine said pushing his hand into the boxers that I wore and that belonged to him but I caught his hand.
"I'm actually really hungry" I said moving his hand and he bit his lip and looked at me like I was a piece of meat.
"So am I" he groaned as he walked towards the kitchen and I rolled my eyes as my thoughts roamed back to Aaron.
I wasn't going to ignore the possibilities but I was going to give him a chance to tell me at his own time because everyone was innocent until proven guilty.
Aaron Turner
I couldn't control the fact that my body was shaking and I wasn't sure if it was because of the weather or my anxiety. Swallowing the lump in my throat I zipped my jacket up some more and looked around the rough complex that had began to darken signaling there was only a few more hours of daylight left.
"Are you looking for someone cutie?" A woman questioned and I slowly turned to look at her disheveled appearance. I didn't remember what my dad looked like but I can remember his words slurring in a similar tone and how he walked like he could never keep balance.
"N-no" I stuttered gripping the straps on my backpack as the woman smiled at me showing she was missing some of her lower teeth. I bit down on my lip to keep my breathing steady and soon enough the woman got distracted by a man leaving his house.
"Maurice I gotta ten!" She shouted loudly and I slowly backed away towards an opening between two apartment buildings. There was some talking and I could smell weed being smoked as I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall.
A familiar voice caught me off guard and I waited until I heard the voice again before slowly peeking around the corner. A familiar face stuck out of the bunch and I panicked when the alarm on my phone started to go off signaling now was the time I'd usually start my homework.
I ducked back around and attempted to run away until I was roughly grabbed and dragged into the opening. I was shoved onto the ground roughly and my backpacked was snatched off along with my phone being taken from my hands and tossed to a man.
"Told you there was snitches lurking around, Moses I think we should get rid of him" A man said and I slowly glanced up at an old friend who appeared different than I last remembered.
He wasn't that much older than me, he was eighteen and had grown facial hair. Moses wore his hair in short locks and was a dark brown color and his face just didn't look friendly anymore.
Moses placed one of his hands over the other revealing the expensive jewelry that covered his fingers and wrists. He dressed in nice clothing and wore the same Jesus piece I remembered and when we locked eyes he wrinkled his nose a little before turning to look at the man.
"So I can't think for myself?" Moses questioned and everyone grew quiet. He slowly turned his attention back to me and his eyes scanned me not showing that he knew who I was.
"You a snitch nigga?" He questioned nonchalantly and I placed my hand over my chest and struggled to breathe as I shook my head no.
"I-I'm not and I-I never will be" I stuttered before he ordered the man who knocked me down to help me stand up.
"Give us a minute" He ordered and a few of them looked curious but seemed almost frightened. They were adults and he was only eighteen, I didn't know what they were afraid of or why they seemed like a clique.
"I-I didn't bring your stuff, I wanted to see you first" I struggled out and he kept the same serious facial expression.
Moses was my only friend, people like me didn't make friends easily. We'd been close as younger kids and even though he was three years older it didn't really feel like an age gap because he was always nice and would stick up for me.
It wasn't until I turned thirteen that he'd began to change and spend time in and out of jail a lot for stuff I didn't care to ask, I just didn't want to be alone. When I was fourteen was when he left out of my life physically when he actually went away and the three year age gap became more obvious because while I was in middle school he was doing time in prison.
"You gotta birthday coming up right? Just keep it" Moses said as he glanced over his shoulder at two small kids playing tag.
"Yo what the fuck did I say about playing back here? Y'all are mad annoying!" He snapped at the children who fearfully ran off.
"Are you okay? You said you didn't want to be friends anymore a few months ago but you wrote to me last week and I risked a lot going to Josline's place to get it" I said placing my hand on top of my head.
"I didn't have to write you at all but even after I told you not to write me anymore you still kept writing me. You act like a female sometimes Ron" He said staying serious.
"I had to tell you that I moved in with Josline or you would've wrote to my grandmas place and then you'd never get your stuff back" I said quietly.
"I figured you would've spent it already, but look I don't need it anymore. I'm making three times that a week and my brother promoted me" he said glancing up at the darkened sky like he was trying to detach himself from the conversation.
"I don't know why I always do this or what's wrong with me. Instead of sucking it up when someone hurts my feelings I can't. I told you everything about me and my past with Josline and you told me stuff too and now we have to pretend like we aren't friends. You don't wanna be friends anymore?" I questioned feeling nothing but sadness.
Moses didn't move and instead he looked at the time on his watch and I shook my head and grabbed my bag off of the ground and dusted it off.
"If I leave I never wanna see you again, I'm with people who care about me and I'm gonna be something positive in life. Fuck you" I snapped and he finally move from his spot seeming hesitant and I flinched as he hugged me.
I backed up some and he moved along with me causing me to laugh out loud feeling his chin on my shoulder as he leaned down and laughed too. He moved back some and when I looked down I could see the handle of a gun.
We stared at each other for awhile and I had to break eye contact. Moses took another step backwards when one of his friends came around the corner.
"Do you not see me having a conversation? Did I call you?" He questioned in a normal tone. The man looked at the both of us weirdly before he coughed and looked at the phone he was holding.
"Your girl is on the phone, she said you aren't answering and your father is looking for you" he said awkwardly and I glanced over over my shoulder wondering why things felt so weird.
"Tell her I'll call her later and tell my father that the next time I see him will be his funeral" Moses said before turning his attention back to me.
"You hungry?" He questioned and I hesitated on answering so he took my silence as a yes the way he pushed me forward.
"I have to go home soon my sister is going to worry" I said speaking up as we turned the corner and he draped his arm over my shoulder. I slowly turned and looked at his hand as he pointed towards a nice SUV.
"Then let me take you, you're scary ass is not about to ride the bus back" he joked and I went to laugh until I saw people were looking at us funny and I didn't know why but it made my anxiety kick in.
"I need my phone" I said looking at the man who'd taken it. Moses looked at him as if he was waiting and he reached into his pocket and tossed it to me.
"Don't forget your female told you to call her" he said emphasizing it again and it made me paranoid, was I doing something wrong? It was like you could feel the judgment and it bothered me.
"Strike three" Moses responded as he held up a three and the man quickly looked away. He moved his hand from my shoulder before hitting the alarm on his car and I walked to the other side and looked down at my phone.
I slowly climbed into the car and shut the door before I looked over at him and he remained quiet and started his car up.
"I read your letters even if I didn't respond, sometimes it got mad annoying but looking back on it now it helped me through a tough time. It wasn't my intention to make you feel like you ain't shit or hurt your feelings it's just a lot of things have changed. I meant what I said though you can keep what I gave you to hold on to no strings attached" he said looking straight ahead.
"Since you're out how am I suppose to talk to you?" I questioned glancing at him and he side eyed me.
"Get my phone out my pocket" he responded nonchalantly and I coughed and awkwardly did as told while he watched the road and kept both hands on the wheel.
I pressed the home button on the phone seeing that it was unlocked. He didn't say anything else and so I just put my number in and texted myself.
I awkwardly placed his phone back and side eyed him and he did the same making me roll the window down as a distraction.
-
When I got home it was twelve in the morning and I waited for Moses to pull off before I walked to the right brownstone and unlocked the door. Once I shut it and enabled the alarm I began to take my jacket off and a flash light shined in my face. I glanced at Kaine who was sitting on the steps with his shirt off and his pajama pants.
"You have any idea what time it is? I should've enabled the alarm but I didn't feel like having to set the code again" he said harshly and I glanced at him apologetically.
"I'm sorry, nana said didn't remember me and I was so sad I had to go for a walk" I said sadly and he squinted his eyes and stood up from his spot before he came all the way down the steps and flicked the light on.
"Really because I called the nursing home and they said nobody with your name checked in, you're also a horrible liar" he reminded and I cleared my throat.
"I didn't do anything bad Carlito I promise, it's just that I had to see somebody to make sure they were okay but now I feel worse" I said truthfully.
"Take the walk of shame to the living room so I can hand out this punishment" he said and I sighed and walked ahead of him as he cut the light off and we walked into the living room where the TV was playing.
I stared straight ahead and tilted my head slightly as I started to drift off into deep thought, I couldn't help it even when I sat down on the couch.
"What friend did you have to see, are they dying? If they aren't dying it's not important enough for you to be out this late on a school night" he said dryly.
"They could've been" I said quietly and Kaine glared at me for awhile. I leaned down and placed my head in my hands.
"Can I talk to you about something, you can't laugh or make jokes about me" I said hoarsely and he grew serious.
"Yeah whatever I'll try" he said and I looked up at him and leaned back on the couch folding my arms.
"How do you deal with growing up? It's suppose to be easy you just get older but I just feel like I'm the only one in the world who's stunted" I rushed out and he started at me.
"You aren't" he shrugged and I stared at him for awhile wanting him to elaborate. "Growing up is different for everyone and it happens at different times, it's not fair to say what's normal and what's not normal. Your hormones are going crazy, you don't know who you are and you're trying to sort out all of these emotions that your feeling and it makes you angry and you might get frustrated but when you look back on it you'll laugh" he said with another shrug.
I moved my hands on to my lap and looked at them for awhile as Kaine glanced at the TV where an old football game was playing.
"Sometimes I feel- I don't know how to word it. I saw this girl a few weeks ago and she was beautiful and I wanted to ask for her number but I was to afraid and I know for a fact that I like girls but when I was younger I had a crush on someone like me and I thought that when I got older it'd go away but now it feels stronger. It's just him and no other boy if he didn't exist I'd only like girls I promise I would" I said growing teary eyed.
"First off it's nothing to cry about it's not that deep and I love you either way. Second of all you like what you like and if you like girls then be with a girl but it's nothing to get sad over, maybe you like both but prefer girls more and would date a nigga if your feelings were strong enough I don't know how that shit works" he said.
"I thought you'd beat me up when I told you this" I said as I took a deep breath not feeling like I was going to explode anymore.
"Just know that not everyone is going to accept that and that's cool, just no matter what keep your head up and do you minus all of the crying and shit because it's annoying" he said dryly.
"I doubt anything will come of it, he's straight" I said with a shrug and Kaine raised an eyebrow but laughed it off.
"Respect that then" he said yawning as he stood up and left the TV on. "Oh and by the way you're grounded for two weeks now give me your phone so you can't talk to your non existent friends" he said and I slowly gave him my phone.
"Can I stay home tomorrow- well today it's the last day before break" I asked and he squinted his eyes at me.
"Nope, I'd get some sleep if I were you" he said and I frowned and cut the TV off. Kaine stopped walking and I bumped into him on accident.
"Do you know who Alvin McKinley is?" He questioned and I shook my head no, I'd never heard that name before. He nodded his head and we went up the staircase.
Kaine was right I didn't know what everything was that I was feeling. I already stuck out more than I wanted too and I didn't want to stick out anymore, maybe when I was Kaine's age I would look back at this and laugh I just couldn't describe this with words.
Harlem Johnson
I watched Raheem as he threw up nonstop in the bathroom. Tears were coming down his face as he gagged and I shook my head not knowing what was wrong with him or what he'd eaten or ingested and what made it worse was our workers kept walking passed and looking at what was going on probably thinking the same thing I was thinking.
"This shit is so embarrassing" I mumbled as I scratched my eyebrow. Raheem went to look back at me but started to gag and he quickly turned around and threw up in the toilet. I looked at the time on my watch seeing how he'd been throwing up for an hour straight.
"You gotta take him to the hospital or something, he's throwing up red shit. There's something wrong with him and I shouldn't have to tell you that dumb ass" Angelo snapped at me and I looked at my expensive shoes.
"You take him and have him throw up in your ride" I smirked and he chuckled to himself before he punched me roughly in the stomach and I leaned over in pain.
"There's a reason why I don't put my hands on anybody here but you'll get yours one day, I can promise you that" I said rubbing my stomach. Angelo raised an eyebrow at me as if I were a joke before he looked at Raheem who threw up all over the ground and I could see the blood.
"It hurts, it fucking hurts!" He shouted as he threw up again and Angelo looked at me as if I was suppose to have the answer but I didn't.
"What the fuck did you eat? Did you swallow something?" I questioned and my brother went to open his mouth to speak but he threw up on his shirt and it dripped down onto the floor.
He clutched his stomach and struggled to stand up as throw up continued to come out of his mouth and I looked away growing disgusted.
"We have drugs here and I can't call an ambulance, how are we suppose to get him outside and into the car without getting throw up on us?" I questioned reluctantly as I looked at Angelo who looked at me like I was crazy.
"I ain't got no beef with Raheem but that's your brother and after that fuck shit you pulled at the club you never need to fix your mouth to ask me for shit, ever!" He snapped as he walked away.
"Rah come on" I sighed helping my brother stand to his feet and he struggled. I let him throw up one last time before I had one of the workers grab my waist basket from my office.
"I got pulled over a couple of hours ago and swallowed the drugs on me" he groaned throwing up some more and I cursed under my breath.
"Hold this shit" I mumbled once I got the small trash can. I roughly shoved it into my brothers arms and slowly walked with him out of the bathroom as he got his throwing up under control and tried to hold it in as much as he could before he threw up a little in the trash can.
I instructed one of the guards to drive him to the hospital, I didn't feel like driving in the car with him throwing up, my car was actually clean and nice on the inside.
Angelo shook his head at me and went with Raheem while I stayed behind. I walked into my office and sat down just as another worker came in. He appeared nervous and I didn't know why or what the hell his problem was.
"There's a hit list going around, did you know about it?" He questioned and I smirked to myself and nodded my head.
"Yeah the one Ajani is on? I wonder who made it, I'm actually just as confused as everyone else but I don't care very much because that's her problem" I shrugged and he stepped closer to my desk.
"You're on the list too just way down on the list" he said and I looked at him as if he was crazy. I didn't know what I was more offended by, the fact that I was on the list or the fact that I was an after thought and wasn't even at the top of the list signaling I wasn't even much of a threat.
"Any leads on who made this list? I got a few words for them" I said growing serious but he shook his head no.
"Vinny Accardi is also on the list so the mob isn't the maker of the list either like some people thought" he said.
"Does Kaine know about this list?" I questioned and he nodded his head. Scratching my chin my thought process was cut short when Johan walked into the room and a few guards were trying to hold him back but he shot one of them in the chest.
He showed up with a few cartel members who outnumbered my crew. I looked at Johan who was holding a gun in his hand.
"See I piss a lot of people off but what have I done to anger you?" I questioned as I stood up not trusting staying in that same spot.
"Bwoy you're fucking everything up think about it, is now the time to behave like a spoiled brat with everything going on? Kaine may be afraid to kill you but I'm not, I don't give a single fuck who you snitched too because I'm positive I won't serve a single day in prison" he said cockily.
Johan was a different type of crazy and he would eventually get in the way of my plan. He was right though, as much as I wanted to see Kaine fall and get out of my way having him around was good business wise for me.
"I'll be cool if you talk some sense into him and Angelo" I said trying to reason and Johan laughed loudly and looked at me as if I was crazy.
"No batty bwoy that's not how this works. Either you do what I say or I'll show you how Jamaicans really get down" he said in a calm tone as they all glared at me.
Johan was tossed a sawed off shotgun and he pointed it at me making his threat real and I knew I wouldn't be able to talk my way out of this.
"I'll be cool until shit blows over" I assure being a man of my word. Johan lowered the shot gun and looked at me before he tossed it back to who he got it from.
"I don't give chances, fuck up one time bwoy and unlike Kaine I will drop you from the highest window I can find and then decapitate you" he smirked like he'd find joy in that.
I brushed it off as Johan walked out of my office and they followed behind him. Some of my security looked to me like they didn't know what to do and I ushered them to leave my office.
Once they were gone I shut the door and locked it and ran my hand over my head feeling like I was trapped in a corner.
They wanted to play nice but I didn't want to play nice, if I could find out who made the hit list first and flip the script I'd get the upper hand and be able to manipulate everything how I wanted to.
Wanting power made you do some crazy shit and I didn't regret it, nor did I regret the person I'd become.
Authors Note -
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