Feet don’t fail me now
Take me to the finish line
Oh my heart it breaks every step that I take
But I’m hoping at the gates,
They’ll tell me that you’re mine
Walking through the city streets
Is it by mistake or design
I feel so alone on the Friday nights
Can you make it feel like home, if I tell you you’re mine
It's like I told you honey
-Lana Del Rey
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Chapter 29
Fear.
Fear is something we feel in daily life. It’s a warning alarm when we take a risk. To our lives, to our family, for our family. Fear can be of many kinds. Fear warned us to stop what we were about to do, but we ignored it and later it stabbed us hard.
I always feared of this day, but I never thought it would come this close. I took a risk falling in love with this guy. I did. I feared this was going to happen, although I knew it was going to, but deep down I wish this never happened. But it did…I have to leave him. My only love, the only person who cares about me. Zayn.
‘I want you to leave.’ These five words were my fear.
I stared at him, just him. My whole world collapsed at those five words. My vision was blurry due to tears. He just poured out his whole life in front of me, and now he wants me to leave him. I blink as more tears make it impossible for me to see.
“Why…why did you tell me...” I ask, so many questions go through my head. My heart beats are faster. He takes a while to answer. “I just want to tell you before you…leave,” he says with a shaky breath. 'Leave’ another stab to my already wounded heart.
“Why, Zayn?” I sobbed, moving closer to him. He pulled back. I shattered at the spot. "I just want you to be safe,” he says, looking away.
“I don’t care. I want to be with you.” I bite back my sob. “You have to, Faith. I’m know what I'm doing is right,” he said, pushing himself up. I did the same. “Please Zayn. Where would I go? I just don’t…” I can’t control myself from breaking into tears.
“I’m sending you to medical school. You're good in that. You can be something better. It's best for you,” he said, his back facing me. “Please,” I said. “No Faith. Don’t make it difficult. And it’s what you want. I’m just bad news for you. I took your virginity. I treated you wrong. I used you. I always hurt you…”
He was looking straight outside. “You never hurt me. What we share will always be special for me. You were the only one who ever cared about me. You never treated me wrong. You never used me. You...you’re special to me.” He turned around searching for my eyes.
I glance up at him “Faith…you’re special to me.” He cupped my cheek. I was affected by his touch. I’m going to miss his touch, his presence, his eyes, his lips....everything about him. How am I going to survive without knowing what he’s doing? I’m going to be a mess.
I move forward, kissing his lips slowly. He stayed still refusing to give in. “Faith, no.” I searched his eyes. “Please? For the sake of our last time...let me capture your lips.”
I kiss him again. He kissed me back with the passion that I always felt in his kisses. This was the last time. The thought breaks me. I hold his neck, my other hand running through his soft hair. His warmth, I’m going to miss it.
He pulled away but I’m not ready to stop the kiss. He breathing came out ragged. “Sleep Faith. You’re leaving tomorrow,” he said, laying me down. I stared at him as he lays beside me. I hold his hand nervously, but he intertwines them. They fit perfectly together.
I couldn’t sleep, by knowing this I just couldn't. He is also wide awake. I looked at him seeing him staring at the ceiling. “Are you going to miss me?” I murmured. “More than you can imagine,” he said, turning his gaze to me.
“I knew from the beginning that this day was going to come, the day you got bored of me and you'd want me to leave you. But I didn’t know it would hurt this much,” I said, tears still streaming down.
“You never bored me. I treasured you, Faith. Every moment we shared is captured in my heart forever. But this is best for you,” he said with raw emotion. I can’t even breathe right now.
“I can’t close my eyes, Zayn. Every time I do, I just see you,” I said. He smiled half-heartedly. “Sleep, Faith.” He puts his other hand on my eyes. I instantly drift to sleep with his fingers intertwined with mine. For the last time.
~*~
I wake up by seeing Zayn looking at me. I glanced down to see our hands are still intertwined together. For a few seconds I forget what is going to happen. Just seeing his beautiful face was enough to cure my wounds. More tears pour out. I did the most awful but needy thing for me at the moment. I shifted up hugging him tightly. I heard him sigh but he also hugged me. I take his warmth in, feeling complete in his arms.
I pulled back looking at our hands, how our fingers fitting in each other perfectly. With everything inside me, hurting my myself, I pulled my hand out. I look at him as his eyes are looking at his now empty hand. “I’m going to miss you, Faith” he says with a hurt smile. “I—me too,” I say. He sighs and pushes himself up. “You better get ready. I'll meet you downstairs.” Words can’t explain what I feel as he leaves me there. I can’t bear this feeling of hurt. I want to die right now. I love you Zayn.
I packed my bag. I only came with one small duffle bag and now I’m leaving with a big bag. How ironic this is. I’m changed; he changed me. He made me a woman, a strong woman. He heard me. He held me when I was struggling with bad dreams. He was there. But not anymore.
I glance for the last time at the room where we made love. We talked here; we stayed up late night going through our rough pasts. But not anymore. I switch off the light and close the door.
Every step I take downstairs is heavy on me. I remember when I first came here. I was nervous. I was scared and afraid of him, but he’s something else. He’s my first and last love. I could never feel myself living after yesterday.
I stepped at the last stair down when I saw Martha in the kitchen. She’s crying. I went to her, hugging her tight. “Faith,” she cried. I pulled back to look at her. “I’m going to miss you, Martha. Don’t forget me, huh…and take care of Zayn,” I nodded as more tears fell down. She nodded. “I promise I will. I never thought you would ever leave him.”
I just shook my head. “I'll miss him. 'Bye Martha. Take care of yourself.” She nodded and kissed my temple. I shrugged and went back to the living room. I glanced at Zayn sitting on a chair. He looked at me as I stood there bowing my head down. Once I was saying in my head when I entered here ‘I’m his slave’, but now ‘I was his slave.’
He pushed himself up and moved closer to me. “Faith.” The insanity in his voice when he said my name was noticeable. I looked up at him. “Promise me that you’ll concentrate on your studies there.” I just looked away. I felt so small in front of him. “Faith, I’m going to miss you so much.” I looked back at him. I hugged him instantly. He did the same. I cried in his arms. If I could ask God for something I would wish I could die here in his arms and forget my worries. My love for him would stay with me in my grave.
Everything in me refused to pull away, but I did and he kissed my cheek. I turn around glancing back to see him looking at me. I breathed in, gulping down a hard lump in my throat. I grab my bag and make my way to the foyer.
This is it.
“I’m a bad news.”
“I’m a mess.”
“I’m escaping from my past.”
“As much as I want to deny it I trust you.”
“You're special.”
“You're my slave and be that.”
“Don’t get closer. You’ll hurt yourself.”
“I've never been in hospital.”
As I take a last step to the door everything inside me screams to look back but I refused it because I know that if I did I’d never able to leave him.
I'll love you Zayn Malik until my last breath.
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Author's note; you can officially kill me but before that i just want to say i cried while writing this chapter. :'(
and uh...the reason i cried is not just chapter but my life too. okay i'm telling you'll that i'm crushing on a guy in my class. he's cute. and while i'm writing this chapter i'm thinking about him. i talked to him only once--and he seems shy. he caught me starring at him many times and i just make fuss of myself :( what do i do please tell me. i know its nothing to do to you but still temme. i'm quiet serious about him here. okay enough of my rant. :|
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bye love ya....