Chapter 32
"I think I might go back to work" Kimberley mentioned whilst the pair were washing up. It had been a week since their tiff over Nadine and they were finally getting along properly. Cheryl looked over at Kimberley,
"Oh?"
"Yeah. I can't sit around here forever. I only left in the first place to get the boys used to not having Justin around. I'm sick of living off my divorce settlement" Cheryl nodded slowly and carried on with what she was doing. After a couple of minutes of silence, she looked up at Kimberley,
"Not that I don't want you to but...babe, you've not long since come out of catatonic shock. Are you sure it's wise?" Kimberley turned to face her,
"I have to start some time. If i start looking for something now, I will have at least 5 months before I start. Don't forget, I will only start in September. I miss working with kids...I think it's what I need to get back on track"
"Okay babe. As long as you feel ready, you know I will support you!" Kimberley smiled and pulled Cheryl into a hug,
"Thank you!" Cheryl placed a kiss on her neck and smiled,
"You don't have to thank me...it's what I'm here for!" They pulled back from the hug and shared a sweet kiss. Cheryl smiled, running her hands through Kimberleys hair and down her arms softly,
"Before you do go back...how do you fancy a weekend away?"
"Where to?" Kimberley asked curiously. Cheryl looked away,
"Well...I can't tell you. But you will love it. I thought we needed to take time out from real life to get used to us. I started arranging it before we went out last week. I was gonna cancel but your mam reckons we need it"
"My mother convinced you to take me away? Now that's a change of heart if ever there was one!"
"Yeah I know...she's really changed her tune! But I'm not complaining"
"Neither am I! So when were you thinking of?"
"Maybe in two weeks? As soon as we can really...all that stuff last weekend really hammered it home for me. I think we need time alone before it happens again. We need to rebuild ourselves" Kimberley nodded in agreement,
"We do. Before all of this, we had never argued!"
"Since all this we haven't stopped" Cheryl sighed. Kimberley looked over at her questioningly,
"Do you regret taking this further?" She asked, almost afraid of the answer. Cheryl frowned,
"Don't be daft! I love you! And if that isn't enough of a reason for me to not have regrets...you turn me on so much that I think I would've spontaneously combusted if I didn't get you into bed!" She chuckled. Kimberley smiled and raised an eye brow,
"Oh really?"
"Mmhmm...when you pressed against us earlier to wash your hands...well lets just say, the washing up nearly got ditched!"
"Cheryl! I pressed against your back for all of 30 seconds!"
"See...I'm hooked! The feel of your body against me drives me crazy!" Cheryl flushed as she felt her body reacting to her thoughts. Kimberley noticed this and smiled at her,
"So if I just happened to walk over there and say...give you a hug...how would that make you feel?" She asked cheekily. Cheryl smirked and looked her straight in the eye,
"I can't answer that but I can guarantee it would make you feel like you were being fucked on the table!" She winked. Kimberley's mouth fell open as she moved towards Cheryl,
"What do you do to me babe?"
"Allow me to demonstrate" Cheryl whispered sexily. She pressed her lips against Kimberley's and pulled her roughly towards her,
"Mum I can't sleep" they broke apart instantly, both flushing bright red,
"What's up mate?" Cheryl asked, crouching down to Daniel's level. The young boy raised his hand to Cheryl's face and wiped away some stray lipstick,
"Why were you kissing mummy?" He asked sleepily. Cheryl looked up at Kimberley with a confused look plastered on her features,
"Baby you know that me and Cheryl are a couple. That's what couples do" Daniel nodded,
"I thought it was what mums and dads did" Kimberley frowned,
"No baby...all couples do it"
"Oh ok...Cheryl will you read me a story?" He asked quietly. Cheryl nodded and stood up. She then lifted him up too,
"Come on then...let's get you back in bed mr" Kimberley smiled at the sight as Cheryl left the room with her youngest son. It was only when they were out of her view that she registered the dull ache between her legs,
"Cold shower time" she said to herself before following them up the stairs.
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Cheryl sat on the edge of Daniel's bed, gently stroking his hair whilst he slept. Having Kimberley's two boys around was making her increasingly broody. After her miscarriage she had convinced herself that she would never want kids. The fragile state it had left her in made her constantly question whether she would cope with another one but now, living with Kimberley, she was starting to think that it would be worth the risk. Of course she knew that she could never bring it up with Kimberley. Their relationship was fragile enough without bringing another person into it. Equally, at 23 years of age, she wasn't sure how long she wanted to wait. She didn't want to be an older parent and she didn't want there to be a big age gap between hers and Kimberleys children. And her main worry was that Kimberley might not want any more. If that was the case, Cheryl wasn't sure how she would feel. She desperately wanted to believe that he love for Kimberley would be enough but realistically, she knew it could be their biggest problem. She jumped as she felt Kimberley's hand on her shoulder,
"Are you alright? You've been sat staring into space for ages" Kimberley whispered. Cheryl nodded and stood up quickly,
"I'm fine...just thinking that's all"
"About anything in particular?"
"Yeah but I don't think we are ready for that conversation. Let's go to bed. I'm pretty tired now" Kimberley frowned and grabbed her arm as she tried to pass,
"Cheryl what do you mean we're not ready for that conversation?"
"Please just trust me Kimba...it's really not worth talking about at the minute" Kimberley nodded slightly,
"Ok. I'm gonna go finish cleaning up. I'll see you in the morning" she kissed Cheryl on the cheek and headed downstairs. Entering the kitchen, she looked at the mess briefly. She then headed to the fridge, grabbed a bottle of wine and moved to the front room to sit on the sofa. She poured herself a glass and took a few sips. She tried to clear her head, knowing that thinking about what Cheryl was hiding would make her feel worse. She lay her head back and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath. She opened them as she felt the sofa dip next to her,
"I'm sorry" Cheryl whispered. Kimberley sighed,
"Babe you don't need to apologise. You've done nothing wrong. I just don't like us hiding things from each other that's all"
"I just...I know that it'll cause problems for us"
"How do you know that?"
"Cause we're not ready...i'm just being stupid"
"Okay" Kimberley shrugged in defeat, knowing that pushing Cheryl wouldn't help. Cheryl frowned,
"I hate it when you do that" she muttered,
"Do what?" Kimberley asked, genuinely not understanding what Cheryl meant. Cheryl frowned,
"You say okay and shrug at us but I can see in your eyes that I've upset you"
"Babe if you don't want to tell me, you don't want to tell me. I can sit here and hound you or I can just accept that...I'm goin for the safe option"
"I just don't want to cause problems but either way I'm going to"
"You can't possibly know that until you let me in on the big secret!" Cheryl nodded slightly and took a deep breath,
"I want a baby" Kimberley's eyes widened. Of all the things Cheryl could of said, this was the last thing she's expected,
"You what?" She stuttered. Cheryl looked away, fiddling with her hands,
"Not right now...just...in the next year or two..."
"Cheryl you're 23...you've got all the time in the world"
"I know I have but being around the boys has made me really broody"
"I thought you thought of them as like your own anyway...Why another?"
"I do. But they will only ever be 'like my own'. I want to be pregnant and give birth...be up all night with my baby...or our baby" Kimberley blinked as the colour drained from her face,
"Our baby?"
"Yeah...I want us to be a family" there was an uncomfortable silence as Kimberley downed her glass of wine and held her head in her hands. Eventually she looked up at Cheryl,
"Chez...I don't think I want more kids. I always planned on having two. And I'm getting older now...I don't want to be the oldest mum in the school yard" Cheryl sighed,
"Firstly, I'm pretty sure that in your life plan, you weren't going to end up in a relationship with a woman 15 years younger than you! Secondly, I will take the kid to school...although I think you're being ridiculous...and finally, I've given up so much to be with you but this isn't something I'm gonna shift on. I'm not sayng I want to get pregnant now...just some time in the future"
"I don't want another baby Cheryl...I have everything I need already. Why add to that?"
"What about what I need? Doesn't that count?"
"Of course it does...we are just in different places right now"
"And is that going to change?" Cheryl asked quietly. Kimberley hung her head,
"I don't know...I doubt it" she whispered. Cheryl felt a tear slide down her cheek, quickly followed by more. She wiped at them and took a deep breath in a bid to compose herself,
"So I either give up on us or give up on having a child?" She asked calmly, her bottom lip trembling. Kimberley closed her eyes to stop the impending tears,
"It's really over this time isn't it?" She asked, the emotion clear in her voice. Cheryl shuffled over to her on the sofa,
"I love you! I love you so much that it makes me feel like my heart will explode. I need to know that it's an option though...I can't give up on the rest of my life...the important bits. Kids, parent days, nativities, school reports...I need to know that I might experience that one day"
"I want to tell you that it will happen. I want to say that I will feel differently in time but I don't think I will. And I don't want to either give you false hope or have a baby with you just to keep you here...I would always resent it and that wouldn't be fair on anyone...it would eventually drive us apart anyway" Cheryl nodded,
"I knew this would happen...this is why I didn't want to tell you"
"Babe...you would've had to tell me one day"
"I know but I don't want to lose you"
"I don't want that either but it's time to face facts. The age gap is too much. You still have so many things to do and experience...I've already done it all...I'm settled now. I love you. I will never stop loving you but I can't hold you back" she leaned forwards and placed a heartfelt kiss on Cheryl's lips, their tears merging as they kissed goodbye to their relationship. It became too much for Cheryl and she pulled away when the need to sob overcame her. Kimberley pulled her close, holding her tightly,
"Please promise me something" Cheryl choked out,
"Anything" Kimberley whispered,
"Promise me that we can still be friends! I can't lose you. You're like my best friend" Kimberley placed a kiss on the top of her head,
"I promise. We will always be friends" Cheryl squeezed her in recognition. They sat in silence for half an hour, each lost in their own thoughts,
"I guess I should go" Cheryl muttered, rousing Kimberley out of her daydream,
"Chez where are you gonna go?"
"I don't know...I'm sure Nic or Sarah will let me stay for a while...until I get myself sorted"
"You don't have to leave...stay here. You can have the spare room!" Kimberley was almost pleading with Cheryl,
"Babe I can't...it would be too hard. I would never get over you"
"I don't want you to get over me"
"We're gonna have to get over each other Kimba"
"I don't think I can"
"Give it time. It will get easier"
"Please stay...even if it's just for tonight. I just need to hold you for one night" Cheryl nodded,
"Just tonight...then I am gonna go ok?"
"Ok...shall we go to bed then?" Cheryl stood up and held her hand out to Kimberley, pulling her up off the sofa and leading her upstairs. They got ready for bed in silence. It wasn't until they were lay in each others arms that either of them spoke,
"You're the love of my life" Cheryl whispered. Kimberley kissed her lightly,
"I don't want to let go"
"Neither do I but it's for the best"
"Babe can I...can I make love to you?" Cheryl turned to face Kimberley,
"What?" She whispered. Kimberley blushed in the dark,
"I just wanted to show you how much I love you. So you never forget. Don't worry I know it's a stupid idea"
"No it's not...I think we need it...like a goodbye" Cheryl leant in to kiss Kimberley deeply,
"Make love to me" she whispered, pulling Kimberley on top of her.
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Kimba,
I'm sorry. I woke up this morning and it all hit me. I couldn't bare to see you wake up. You're so cute when you do. I can't believe that this is it. I want nothing more than to get rid of these feelings. To go back to wanting no kids. You are the love of my life. I will never feel for anyone what I feel for you. All you have to do is walk into a room and my mood lifts. I think subconsciously, I've always loved you. You dragged me through my worst times and made me feel good without even trying. Even when we first met, you barely spoke to me yet I was fascinated by you. I wanted to get to know you. There's always been something. When you actually started speaking to me, I just wanted to smile constantly. You bring something out in me that I can't explain. It hurts so badly. Knowing that I won't get to kiss you or hold you again...it's tearing me apart. You are right though...if we don't stop now, it'll end up being a bad break up and that's the last thing I want. You're my world. Everything I have ever wanted is you! I want you to know that, no matter what happens or who we end up with, you will always be my one. I will always treasure everything we have shared...it might have been short lived but our relationship has meant the world to me. No one will ever replace you. I hope in time we can become friends again. Real friends, like we were before. I know it will be hard but I can't let go...I won't let you leave my life. You are the most important person in it. Even when I left for London...I spent all my time thinking of you. What you were doing...whether you were thinking of me too.
I'm going to leave now. I will pick up my things later. I love you Kimberley Walsh. You are my soul mate. I just wish it could be easier. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and find out that it's not over. Most of all, I wish I didn't hurt you...I promised I wouldn't and it really hurts knowing that I have. You have my heart...you always will. Goodbye xxxx
Kimberley folded up the letter, wiping away her tears,
"I love you" she whispered. Although she knew Cheryl wasn't there to hear it, she felt she had to say it.
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"It's over" Cheryl sobbed as soon as the door opened. She fell into an embrace, her legs buckling as she let her emotions take over. She barely registered being ushered into the living room and onto the couch,
"It's really done. I love her so much but it's done" she stuttered between breaths,
"What's happened babe?"
"I'm stupid. I ruined everything" her sobs got heavier, taking her breath away and making her whole body convulse,
"Cheryl you need to calm down. I'm sure you will sort it" Cheryl shook her head violently and took a few deep breaths to calm herself,
"We won't. It's over. For good" she mumbled,
"Really?"
"Yeah...it's done. And I've never felt so lonely!"
"Babe you've got me. And Sarah and Nic!"
"I know but it's just not the same Nads. I want Kimberley" she started to sob again, falling into Nadine. Nadine stroked her hair and held her close,
"You'll be ok Chez...I'm here. Sshhh" she whispered, trying to soothe the heartbroken girl. After half an hour, Cheryls sobs had died down and turned into a sniffle,
"Nads?" She mumbed meekly,
"Yeah babe?"
"Can you ring Caroline and ask her to check on Kimba? Or Sarah? I don't like the thought of her hurting alone" Nadine nodded and reached over for her phone. After a quick phonecall, she placed it back no the table,
"Caroline is on her way round now. Do you wanna tell me what happened?"
"Everything was going fine...we were gonna go on a weekend away to get us back to normal. Then I ruined it"
"How did you ruin it?"
"Well...i've been getting broody recently. What with having her two boys around and finally being myself after the miscarriage. Not broody to the point that I want to be pregnant right now though. Just in the next few years...she doesn't want any more kids so we broke up...I don't want to miss out on having my own little family and she doesn't want to go with it and end up resenting us so it would never have worked" Nadine nodded,
"I'm sorry hun. I take it you are still going to be friends?"
"Yeah...I couldn't live without her" she started to cry again,
"I know babe" Nadine looked down at Cheryl sympathetically. Her heartbreak was as clear as day but she knew there was no going back,
"Babe where are you going to stay?"
"I don't know...I hadn't even thought about it!"
"I have a spare room here...it's yours if you want it" Cheryl nodded,
"Thanks Nadine"
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Caroline knocked on Kimberleys front door loudly, stepping back a little when Diane answered. They looked at each other curiously,
"Is Kimberley here?" Caroline asked, recieving a shake of the head in reply. She sighed,
"Do you know where she is?"
"She went for a walk. I don't know where though, she left the minute I got here. What's going on Caroline?"
"Erm...I'm not really sure. I just got a phone call from Nadine saying that Cheryl had turned up there in a state saying that she had ruined everything and her and Kimberley are over. She'd asked Nadine to ring me and ask me to check on Kimberley" Diane sighed,
"I don't know where she might be. If I know my daughter though, it'll be somewhere to do with Cheryl" Caroline nodded and took out her phone to call Nadine. She explained the situation and listened as Nadine explained it to Cheryl,
"Caroline? You know that bit of a park by Sarah's?" Cheryls voice came over the phone desperately,
"The one around the back?"
"Aye. Try there" Caroline agreed to try and hung up. She explained to Diane before getting back into her car and driving round to Sarah's. She walked up to the park, wondering why Kimberley would come here. It wasn't much to look at and was generally filled with cocky teenagers. It didn't take long for her to spot the woman she was looking for. She was perched on a bench, looking straight ahead. Caroline apporoached her carefully, sitting down next to her when she reached the bench. They sat in silence for a while until Kimberley finally looked at Caroline,
"How did you find me here?"
"Cheryl tipped me off...are you ok?"
"No...I'm not ok. I couldn't be any further from ok!" Kimberleys voice was devoid of emotion. Caroline didn't know if it was the words or the tone that was worrying her,
"Is there no way you can sort it out?"
"If there was do you think I'd be sat here?" Caroline hung her head,
"No I guess not" She whispered, "So why here?"
"This is where she told me she loved me for the first time! Well...sort of. She started to say it but caught herself and changed her mind cause she didn't think I felt the same. We'd only just decided to make a go of it. I knew then that I wanted to be with her for the rest of my life"
"So why aren't you fighting for her?"
"Because it's a lost cause. She wants kids of her own...I don't want anymore" Caroline nodded in understanding,
"I'm sorry Kim...I really am"
"Do you know where she is?"
"I think she's at Nadine's" Kimberley nodded slightly,
"I don't think I could stand it if she met someone else..."
"From what I can gather, she is a mess. Meeting someone else isn't even entering her head at the minute!" Kimberley nodded,
"I want to go and see her. Come with me?"
"Are you sure that's a good idea?"
"No...It's worth a try though"
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"Babe you've got a visitor" Nadine shook Cheryl awake gently,
"I don't want to see anyone Nads...look at the state of me! I can't get by 10 minutes without starting to cry again"
"Right so I'll just go and tell Kimberley to go home then?"
"Kimba's here?" Cheryl's eyes lit up slightly as Nadine nodded and opened the door. She jumped off the sofa and into Kimberley's arms,
"Kimba I can't do this...it's too hard! I love you too much" she whispered, tears once again springing to her eyes,
"Be strong babe. It will get better! I promise. And I'm still here for you"
"I don't want to be strong. I want to be with you" Kimberley held onto Cheryl tighter,
"I wish I could believe you babe. You want kids...it's time to move on"
"But I love you"
"I love you too...sometimes love just isn't enough"