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The battle was over.
NEST and the Autobots had won.
The Harvester was destroyed.
The Fallen was dead.
Optimus had the Matrix.
The world was safe.
Many had died, but many more were alive, and more survivors were steadily being found and taken care of. Already celebrations were ringing out as men clasped shoulders or even embraced. Laughs and tears and dancing began. Autobots relaxed and rested and reunited with their revived Commander, who seemed even greater before them now than ever before. A great part of it was for the metallic artifact in his hands, which emanated a blue glow that was warm and cool at the same time and felt vaguely familiar to those that touched it—like feeling their own sparks.
However, there was one being who stayed apart, unable to join her friends and family and comrades.
There was no way Catherine could describe it to someone. At least, not in a way they could understand. Yes, humans had the bonds formed in relationships and friendships, but the kind of bonds she had felt had been so much more. She could feel them as something more than a tightening of the heart that one felt when in love, or the lightness of laughter or the sorrow of despair. They had felt physically a part of her, and now they were gone. Just... gone. It was as if they had been torn out from her, and she was empty. She was emptier than she had ever felt before.
What was worse—the memories.
She remembered now. She remembered her confinement on that damned ship. She remembered the Fallen and what he had done. She remembered his infecting her. She remembered nearly losing herself. She remembered killing all those innocent hatchlings just so she could escape. She had taken countless sparks without remorse. She had done so without thought. She hadn’t cared she’d torn away their sparks—taken their chances at life. She no longer felt their pain and their agony, but the sensation lingered as if on the verge of coming back. It teased her, threatening to drown her again, and that made it all the worse.
Her eyes continued to stare down at her hands as they had been even long after the battle was over. The sun was setting now, but she still stared. They were covered with sand, which had mixed with the blood. She didn’t remember getting cut, but, regardless, the wound wasn’t healing. She also felt weak, and she knew why. She was reminded every time she dove within herself, searching for the thrum of energy that had resided within her for years now, but found nothing. There was absolutely nothing. There was no power. Her body would not glow. She felt no warmth. She was cold. So very cold. The Allspark was gone.
She was human again.
“Catherine!” a familiar voice shouted, urgency and concern thick in their voice. Her head moved slowly—sluggishly, even. It felt so heavy as she did so, and she was surprised she didn’t fall down because of how much effort it took. She found the twin, glowing orbs of blue easily enough, and they belonged to the bundle of silver metal that was crouched down beside her. She found she could not read them, though. They were just orbs before her; light against the dark sky brought on by the setting sun behind them. They stared back, though, looking at her for something, she supposed. She opened her mouth to speak although her throat was dry and ached, but the memories came on harshly. Her mouth closed and, shame following, she looked away, hands falling into her lap.
“Catherine,” Sideswipe called again, reaching out, but she did not look. He paused, too, as shouts came from the top of a dune not far away. Both human and Cybertronian looked up along with many others to spot Hound half-carrying, half-helping Jazz walk. The second-in-command’s hip was completely torn and cuts and dents riddled his body. Energon dripped to the sand, but many of his comrades knew he had suffered worse than that before. There was no need for him to look so weak and about to offline. Regardless, Prime reached the scout first and took Jazz into his arms. He quickly rushed to Ratchet, whom began to scan his growing-increasingly-limp form.
The redhead saw it all, and it, at last, spurned her into motion. She stumbled at first, her legs uneasy after being sat on for so long, but then she was off at a mad sprint. Fear compelled her, pushing her weakened body to scale the dunes of sand and ignore those around her. She reached Jazz quickly enough, stumbled again just as she got to his leg. She fell this time, but managed to stagger up and grasp onto the armor panels of his arm. His optics, glowing weakly, turned their gaze upon her. He smiled sadly and reached for her, but his arm could not make it past his torso.
“Ratchet, what’s happening to him?” Prime asked from behind her, but the medic only shook his head.
“He should be fine, but—but I don’t understand it. His spark is failing, but the damage isn’t enough to cause it to!” he replied, working through the scans as fast as he could.
Jazz still looked at the redhead, “Sorry, ‘Cat. I gotta go back. They're callin' me back. I don’t want ta, but I gotta. I’m sorry.”
“N-no!” she croaked, eyes watering, and gripped his armor tighter.
“See ya ‘round, shorty,” he chuckled and his optics’ glow faded. His body slackened and his head fell. Ratchet paused in surprise, and then began a mad rush to open his chest and get at the spark box within, but there was only a dark hole. Jazz’s spark was gone, and the medic could not understand, but he still searched for something—anything. Catherine, however, knew he was gone. Her guardian—her big brother—her Jazz, was gone. She didn’t know how or why, but he was gone, and he wasn’t coming back. She couldn’t bring him back. She had no powers. He was dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
“No,” she whispered as she stepped back, shaking her head. This couldn’t be happening. It just couldn’t. He couldn’t be dead. This had to be a dream. This had to be some God-awful nightmare. She just couldn’t wake up.
The whine of jet engines reached their ears, and soldiers looked up alarmed, at first, but calmed as they spotted their Seeker allies. However, there was one missing—and that missing number was held in the arms of the largest, light-gray one. All look distressed, and already it was easy to tell what had happened. They ran for the green-armored medic, though they no doubt already knew that their brothers fate.
“Medic! Help us!” the green-armored Seeker shouted, grasping Ratchet’s shoulder tightly and turned him towards them. He gestured continuously at the ruined form of their reddish-brown armored brother, and the medic knew already there was no hope. The chest was completely destroyed and the spark box—empty and dark— had been pulled free. His wings had been torn apart along with part of the helmet. Ratchet had a good idea who had done the deed, and he knew there was no hope. He could see the brother’s knew it too when he looked up and told them, their optics full of sorrow, rage, and pain.
And then the Chief medic remembered Catherine was there. Prime realized it, too, as did the Seekers, and they turned to the redhead with wide optics. Her eyes were even wider and tears were already falling down her cheeks as they stared at the prone form of the Seeker. Her nightmare had only grown worse. First Jazz and now Slingshot—her child? How could this be happening? Why was it happening? She couldn’t take it. Everything was falling apart. The world was caving in on her. Her legs buckled and fell. The words of denial poured from her lips as thick and as fast as the tears did from her eyes. They grew louder with each passing moment, and nothing the Cybertronians could say or do could comfort her. Not even the touch of her foster father or his words could stop the tears. Even Sam was unable to quell her, though he managed to move her away from it all; to a place where he could hold her close and let her cry. And all the while the silver mech stayed close, watching on sadly.
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-O-
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Night settled on the sand of Egypt, and with it came the cool desert air. Lennox had hoped to get everyone out before then, but it was taking time for everyone to get everything together and clearance for the nearest base. Most of the dead had been found, brought together, and covered. The wounded had been patched together the best they could, and the worst of them had been emergency evacuated. Ratchet got all the Cybertronians well enough to travel, and prepped the dead for proper transport. Optimus helped Lennox with it all, keeping things under control and keeping in touch with command to move things along.
Catherine and Sam, meanwhile, spent that time together, leaning against the remains of a stone wall. Her sobs had finally died down, but she kept her head in her knees while the young man kept an arm wrapped around her shoulders tight while his other was stretched across his chest, grasping her hand in comfort. He knew it wasn’t much, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He could only let her use his shoulder to cry, and he had, so now he held her in the hopes his presence would be enough to ease her pain.
His parents and Mikaela had appeared some time ago, but he had made sure they didn’t stay long. His mother and father had meant to help comfort her, but he knew they would have most likely only made it worse. They, like most everyone else, didn’t know about her powers and wouldn’t understand the bonds she had with their Cybertronian friends—hell, he didn’t always understand, but he knew they were important to her. Mikaela he knew had wanted to help in some way, and while she might have been able to understand better than his parents, he waved her away, too. Her expression was one he wasn’t able to read, and it both confused and pained him, but Catherine was more important right now.
She sniffed and lifted her head, wiping at her eyes. He squeezed her hand and pulled her shoulder closer causing a quick smile appeared. It was only a flicker, but it was a good step up from what it had been before. He leaned his head against hers and cooed soothingly. It didn’t do much, but he finally felt her hand squeeze back.
"Hey, Sam,” she spoke at last, albeit weakly—weaker than he’d ever heard her speak and it worried him.
“Hey, Catherine,” he replied, tightening his grip.
She became quiet once more, but her head did not fall back to her knees. It remained up, and her eyes gazed out upon the sands. She looked to the soldiers moving around with their flares and lights, and also the Autobots whom helped by shining their own built-in headlights. She looked up to the sky last, letting her head fall back on her shoulders, and let out a bitter, defeated sigh. She sniffed again as her eyes caught a flash of light on silver. The silver mech appeared in her view, but she looked away before his optics could turn to her. Her friend noticed, but said nothing as the redhead looked down at her feet.
“Catherine,” he began slowly, knowing he was treading on dangerous grounds. “I’m… I’m sorry about… about all that.”
She took a long time to reply, “It wasn’t your fault.”
“I brought it to you. I thought it would fix everything. I mean—it fixed Optimus, but… I just—I wouldn’t have found it if I knew it would do… this.”
“Sam… it’s my fault. I… I did… I did terrible, horrifying things,” she croaked. “Just—God, Sam. I- I…”
He pulled her into a hug, “Hey, hey, calm down. It’s okay.”
“Okay?!” she cried out, pushing away. “It’s not okay, Sam!”
"Not now, but it will be. We can work this out. You and me are unstoppable together, remember?” he replied, trying to lighten the mood.
She sighed, “I… I don’t know, Sam. I don’t know about this time.”
“Whoa, whoa, hey—that’s not the Catherine I know,” he tried again, chuckling a little, and she smiled, but it was a sad one. She let her head fall back into his chest.
“I wish I could be the old Catherine. I wish I could go back to the start—before I fucked everything up— and stop this from happening.”
Sam wanted to say something—anything, to help cheer her up, but nothing came to mind. What could he even say? He didn’t know what had happened. She wasn’t going to tell him, he knew, and he wasn’t going to ask her even if it might help. It was just too painful for her now. So he stroked her back instead, letting a small wave of fresh tears soak into his shirt.
“Is there… Can I do anything?” he spoke up after a few minutes.
“Just stay here, Sam. I don’t feel good.”
“Do you need me to get Ratchet? Sideswipe’s right there so—,” he began, but was cut off when she shook her head and tightened her grip on his shirt.
“No. No, don’t get anyone. I don’t… I can’t—I can’t face… Just… no.”
Sam said no more and held her close. He spared a glance to the silver mech who stood just behind the stone wall separating them and found the blue optics watching. He was not the best at reading them, let alone people, but he could tell there was a pain there. He knew instinctively it wasn’t his place to say, and looked away. He didn’t look back, and the silver mech never left even as the passing minutes turned into passing hours.
The moon reached a quarter of the way into the sky before they finally began to move out. Cargo planes had been gathered from the nearest base and sent to pick them all up—dead and alive. Everyone was glad to be leaving the desert; particularly the Autobots, whom had gotten tired of getting sand in their gears and were looking forward to getting some much-needed Energon. Even Catherine managed to perk up some as she boarded the plane with Sam, his parents, Mikaela, and Sideswipe whom followed behind. The four Seekers let their brother be loaded while they flew beside the planes.
Sam stuck with Catherine throughout, and this time he allowed his parents to join them. While they didn’t understand, they knew she was upset although she forced a smile for them, and embraced and comforted her as best they could. Mikaela tried, using smiles and grasping her hand gently, but he knew it was awkward for his girlfriend and she eventually sat aside from him and Catherine. Lennox had come over, too, as did a few other soldiers whom he recognized and realized were her teammates. She brightened a little when they came to her, and she was comforted by their presence, but he knew the pain was still there. He knew it would be there for a long, long time—maybe forever. He knew she would hide it, too, bury it deep down within her like she did most everything else, and that worried him.
He knew better than to confront her on it, especially in the state she was now, and let it be as their flight continued on. Others came and went, expressing their comfort and, gradually, her dour demeanor appeared to lighten. “Appeared” being the key word. She put up the good front even after they had landed on the base and everyone was shuffled towards the harbor where a ship awaited them. Word, according to Lennox, was that they were trying to get out as fast as they could. The reason being that—while the secret was exposed—they didn’t want any more evidence to get out right now, and so they were all heading back for Diego Garcia. Sam, Leo, Simmons, his parents, and Mikaela would be joining them, too, but they would be leaving for home within the week. The soldiers and Autobots would be staying on the island, though, and attempt to work out the leaked secrets and the aftermath.
The ship was plenty big and had enough rooms to accommodate all of NEST—Cybertronian, humans, and all. It was there, during those many hours on the water, that Sam finally let Catherine be on her own. She had asked for it, and although he didn’t think it was a good idea, he adhered to her request. Sideswipe stayed with her, but at a distance, and he saw pain in both of them, mixed with shame; Catherine especially. Still, he went off and mingled with everyone—mostly Mikaela, with whom he had yet to have some time with since the end of the battle. It was a welcoming moment, tender and loving and relieved that everything had worked out. When he finally departed from her to, he had to make a solemn promise to never ever do that—dying—to her again. His parents came next, and while they didn’t make him promise anything, he knew they expected the same and were just glad their baby boy was alive and that they got to find each other again.
He’d talked with Lennox and the NEST soldiers, too, but then Leo and Simmons came along and took him away. He had a feeling they were going to have a hard time working with his over-zealous friend on keeping everything a “secret”, but he was confident they could work something out. Simmons already knew the drill and apparently he had been offered a spot within NEST for his “valor” and his part in their adventure, but surprised everyone by telling them he had to “think” about it. Sam had thought the crazy ex-S-7 agent would have jumped at the chance to be back in the game, but he figured he’d wait until all the “trouble” boiled over before deciding. Unfortunately, bringing that subject up got Leo going on about it. Thankfully, Simmons took over responsibilities for Sam, leading the boy away to begin a speech of what exactly the job entailed.
Next was Bumblebee, whom he couldn’t have been happier to have around. The guy had saved his life and followed him all the way to Egypt, never once giving up on him. He’d always had his back and he couldn’t ask for a better wing-man. The yellow Autobot knew it, too, and joked and playfully boxed with him. He might have been an unimaginable and ruthless warrior in the fight, but he was also the ultimate comrade and Sam wouldn’t and couldn’t have asked for a better guardian.
Last was Optimus, and the Autobot Commander appeared when he was still hanging with ‘Bee. He asked to talk, and his friend let him go respectfully. Optimus led him up to the deck and out towards the edge where the sun was at last rising. It was a warm sunrise, and its light was welcoming considering what its previous fall had brought. And there the Autobot Commander spoke, thanking him for all he had done and all he had sacrificed. He thanked him for believing and not giving up even in his darkest hour. Sam blushed, of course, and tried to lessen his actions, but the Prime refused to let him do so. The young man thanked the mech, and then they watched the sunrise further in silence for a few moments before Sam decided to act. It might not have been his place, but he knew something needed to be said.
He told Optimus everything. He told him all about what had happened in that other place—that other world. He still didn’t know where it had been, and he found he didn’t want to. He didn’t really want to ever go back to that place that had brought such pain to his friend. He told Prime about that, too. He told her what the mechs—Primes, he was told—had done to her. He asked Optimus to look after Catherine. He asked him to repay his debt by making sure she stayed safe and happy and that nothing bad happened to her ever again. He asked Prime to do what he couldn’t.
Sam knew he and Catherine still lived different lives. While this experience had been extraordinary and almost like a dream, what awaited him was a life of college. Yes, it would still be a little unordinary. He would always have some connection with the Autobots—he hoped it would be Bumblebee—and he had to admit that he had felt a thrill in this journey, but he knew it wasn’t going to lead any further than this. NEST was fascinating, but he couldn’t see himself going around the world fighting in battle like this. He wasn’t even sure he could take another. He was content with going back to his normal life with his parents and Mikaela. And that’s why he needed to make sure they would look out for Catherine—because he wouldn’t be right there to help her.
Prime agreed, swearing to do whatever was needed to keep her happy and safe, and Sam nodded, knowing the mech would keep his word. No more was said after that, and eventually Sam returned below deck. Like most everyone else, he was tired and sore. Like everyone else, he was given a place to sleep. However, he decided to find Catherine instead, and she happened to be right where he’d left her; sitting on the floor, her back leaning against the metal wall behind her with eyes staring numbly at the floor. Sideswipe was near her, too, still at a distance. Sam gave him a sympathetic smile, but the silver mech merely looked away, and the young man continued on, settling himself down beside the redhead.
“Hey,” he spoke up, and she glanced over at him before sighing.
“Hey.”
“How are you doing?”
She closed her eyes, “Tired.”
“I figured,” he chuckled softly, set his legs out straight, and pat at them with his hands. “You can use me as a pillow if you want. I never paid you back from when we were little.”
A true smile finally appeared on her lips as she looked down, considering it. It took a few seconds, but she slowly adjusted herself to where she could rest her head comfortably on his thigh, while the rest of her was curled up close. Sam rested his arm over her waist, where his hand found hers, and he told her to rest. She did, and, much later, so did he.
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-O-
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A hand shook her shoulder gently, “Catherine… Hey. It’s time to go.”
The redheaded young woman blinked slowly as she took in the face of the man crouched before her, hand still shaking her shoulder. It was Lennox and he released her once she sat up. Her body was sore all over, as was expected, but it was nothing compared to what she felt elsewhere—in a place that physical pain could not describe. Still, she pushed herself up, and Sam did the same. He groaned, sore as well, and even attempted a joke of how she was so hard headed his thigh was bound to have a bruise. She made a half-hearted chuckle, and then let her foster father lead her out. They passed by Sideswipe, but she couldn’t bring herself to look up at him. The burn of the shame was too much, and so she kept her gaze low and refused to look back even though he followed them.
“We called ahead so we already have a room prepared for you and your parents, Sam,” Lennox told the young man, whom nodded with a smile.
“Thanks, uh, sir,” he started, but the Commander waved for him to stop.
“I know we’re not on the ranch, but just call me Lennox.”
“Oh, uh, okay, uh, ‘Lennox’. I, uh, guess they’re going to do the whole debriefing thing, huh?”
The older man grinned a little, “Yeah, that’s how it goes. Things are a bit different this time, after all. You’re still considered a ‘wanted’ man, you know. We gotta clear that up before you can go home.”
Catherine felt her heart speed up a little at the words. She kept her mouth under control, though, and didn’t blurt out how she didn’t want Sam to leave. It wasn’t right for her to ask that of him. He had a life outside this place and it would have been selfish to try and keep him. It would be fine once she got through all this. That’s all she needed to do—get over it. Yeah. That was all. If only… If only it were so easy.
“Catherine,” Lennox’s voice rang out, pulling her from her thoughts. “We’re going to have a service tonight for the fallen soldiers. If you’re feeling up to it, it’ll be out on the hangers. If you’re up to it.”
She nodded, “Yeah. Sure. I’ll… uh, I’ll see.”
“For now, though, get something to eat and rest some more once we get to the base.”
She nodded again and they continued on, descending down the ramp attached to the side of the ship. They weren’t quite at the base, but they weren’t too far, either. The other Autobots besides Sideswipe and Prime had gone on ahead, using the paved roads to head for the base, and many of the human soldiers had already left in transport trucks. Only a few remained, and they were soon off into the remaining trucks once Lennox had cleared everything up with the people at the ship and dock. Optimus and Sideswipe followed close behind, and in just minutes they were there.
It was bustling with activity, soldiers greeting comrades who had made it back and mourned those that hadn’t. The government goons were also taken care of, sent back to exactly where they had come from now that both commanders of NEST were back. The Command Center was placed back under NEST control and Morshower was brought up on video feed to begin talking about what was going to happen now. Catherine wasn’t to join them, though. Rather, she and Sam got something to eat and then headed out to the beach where they sat together. The young man did his best to keep a conversation going, and she had to admit it worked some. She thought less of the memories and her loss, but every break and every pause allowed them to come back. Still, it helped some... even if only a little.
They went on like that for some time, and then she went to her room to be alone and rest. She was admittedly still tired and was able to find some peace in her sleep. The memories returned when she woke hours later, and although she had been wavering in her confidence of overcome it, all shattered when she came to the hanger. She knew she probably shouldn’t have gone, but she had, anyways. She told herself she needed to go—perhaps it could wake her up—but if the flash of pain at the sight of the countless coffins and motionless, metal bodies of the Autobots was the “wake up”, then she wish she had kept sleeping.
Still, she stayed through the procession. She stayed and watched them walk the coffins down and the Autobots carry their fallen brethren. She listened as the gun shots cracked and echoed through the sky. She followed with the salute and waited until her Commanders moved away to do the same. She ignored everyone she went by—human; Autobot; her children; Sam; Sideswipe. Everyone. She couldn’t face them right now. She couldn’t handle seeing their expressions. She couldn’t handle them looking at her and seeing what she had done.
She found her way back to her room and forced herself to sleep in order to find some peace, but it was only for a little while, and when she woke and felt like her own room was closing in on her she knew—she knew she couldn’t stay here. She had to leave. She had to get away from them all. She had to. So she went to find Lennox, which was easy enough. He spared time for her at once, asking if she was okay as any good parent would. She shook her head and he asked her what was wrong.
“I…I want to go home,” she replied back with a pained whisper, and Lennox’s gaze softened as he gripped her shoulders in comfort.
He nodded, “Okay. We’ll get you home.”
A week later and Lennox made good on his word. She, along with all the other “pedestrians” that had made it to Egypt by other means, left on a cargo plane back to the United States. They were joined by two Autobots: Bumblebee and Sideswipe. The former would go with Sam, and the latter would join Catherine at the ranch. While the redhead knew she could not bring herself to meet the silver mech’s gaze, it was decided by more than one voice of authority that he was best to go, and so he did. She did not argue, and so they left, and once in their home country, Catherine parted ways with Sam and the others with half-hearted promises to visit. Then she and Sideswipe left for the ranch. Sarah was waiting for them when they arrived and welcomed them both with open arms.
The country air was a nice change, and Catherine hoped it was just what she needed. Yet, as days turned to weeks and the memories still plagued her, she began to doubt it. And all the while she continued to wish she could undo it all or at least wake up from her nightmare.
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Nobody said it was easy
It’s such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard
Oh, take me back to the start