A/N: Here we are. next chapter finally. hope you guys are still here reading. all the love as always xx
~L
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Harry's POV:
I sat straight up and immediately felt several hands on my chest pushing me back down. It felt like I was sitting in a very cushioned chair, cause I wasn't flat on my back. My head was aching and I felt something pulling in my arm but that wasn't my concern. I tried to breathe properly and calm down, but my heart was racing uncontrollably. I needed Louis, I needed to know he was alright...Had Mark gotten him? I didn't remember much after Louis had passed out in my arms, but I wouldn't accept he was dead. No. I had to see him.
"Louis..." I mumbled, trying to get my bearings. I could hear aloud fast paced beeping next to my ear, and suddenly voices came through to me.
"We need to get him calm."
"Someone go get a nurse...or Anne, or Jay, anybody."
What? A nurse? Where the hell was I? Why weren't they bringing me Louis? That's who I needed. I needed Louis, right here, right now.
"Harry, mate, you need to relax...try to breathe, please." Niall's voice came through clearer and I reached out, looking for something to hold on to, to make sure that I wasn't dreaming. I felt a hand in mine, but it wasn't Niall's, or any male that I recognized. It was female.
"Harry...Harry, love, it's Jay. I need you to calm down for me...open your eyes..."
It was then that I realized that my eyes were screwed shut, so tight that it was making my head throb worse than before. I gripped tightly onto Jay's hand and slowly opened my eyes. Everything was extremely bright and I had to blink several times before I could see properly.
I was definitely in a hospital, that much I knew. The white blankets and the machines and the IV in my arm were enough to indicate that. Niall and Liam were sitting nervously in chairs off to the right and Jay was kneeling next to my bed, holding my hand tightly. I looked around...no one else was in the room.
"Wh-what happened? Where's Louis? Is he alright? I have to see him..." I tried sitting up again but Jay pushed me back down gently, one hand lingering on my chest.
"Harry, you need to relax. You'll hurt yourself even more..."
"But Louis...I have to see him..." I insisted, but suddenly my head gave a painful throb and I went limp, closing my eyes at the pain.
"Love, you can't see Louis right now..." Jay said, and there was something in her voice that made my heart sink terribly. I opened my eyes and slowly turned my head to her, looking right into her eyes.
"Is...is he..." I choked out, feeling the tears building already.
"He's alive. He's in intensive care. Broken ribs, internal bleeding, severe dehydration and starvation. He'll be okay, but right now he's under with a lot of painkillers...he's not awake." Jay responded, and I couldn't help it. Tears leaked from my eyes and down my cheeks.
"I...I'm so sorry...I should have been quicker...should have saved him...fuck, I'm such a failure...It should be me in there, not him..."
Jay stood up suddenly, looking almost mad at me. "Don't you ever say that again. You did more than anyone would have done, especially at your age, and you should never wish injury on yourself! Imagine what your mum would do if you were in there...what your friends would say?" She gestured at Niall and Liam, who looked absolutely exhausted and worn out, and then I looked at Jay. Her cheeks were dry, but her eyes were red. She had definitely been crying. I opened my mouth to apologize, but she shook her head. "No need to be sorry...I know you're distressed. It's alright. Maybe later we can take you in to see him, yeah?"
I nodded and sniffed, trying to control myself. Niall and Liam came over at that point, and Niall placed a careful hand on Jay's shoulder.
"You should go back to him...if he wakes up he will need you there with him."
Jay gave Niall a nod and left the room, leaving me there with them. I didn't know what I could say to them, so I didn't speak at all. Eventually, Liam opened his mouth with a sigh.
"Haz, you have a serious concussion. I told you to come back alive, not this..."
"Li...don't do this to him now...he probably did the best he could." Niall reasoned with him, and they started a bit of bickering.
"He got to me first..." I said suddenly, and they both froze, staring at me. I didn't know where my words were coming from, but I didn't stop there. "I tried to get Louis out...but he got there first...tried to kill us both...I tried to stop him...and then he locked us up...Louis was already weak and hurt and Mark came for me instead...broke a beer bottle over my head...Then the police...and I thought we were going to die...Louis passed out in my arms..." I trailed off, not knowing where I was going, but Liam and Niall now looked horrified. I guess they just thought I had fallen down the stairs or something.
"I...we didn't know..." Liam stuttered, and I just shrugged. I had made a decision in that moment. There would be no more emotion. No more crying, no more being sad, none of it. I would just hold it in. There was no way I was putting that on them. Not ever again. They didn't deserve it. Deep in the back of my mind I knew I was being a hypocrite because that was exactly what Louis had done and it definitely hadn't worked well for him. But it was my only option unless I wanted to be crushed by what I was feeling right now.
"It's alright, Li. We're safe now." I mumbled, just needing him to not be upset. If I was going to have any chance of being able to hide my emotions, people around me couldn't be losing it, or I would lose it.
"Harry, are you sure you're okay?" Niall asked, coming a bit closer but looking hesitant. I guess me holding back was not something that they were used to. I just nodded and leaned my head back, trying to think of anything but Louis.
It was a couple hours of that: just sitting and staring at the ceiling. Niall and Liam made scattered conversation but I said nothing. There was nothing I could say that wouldn't cause questions to be asked.
Eventually my mum showed up, and I could tell she was trying not to cry, but I just offered her a small smile and she sat in a chair next to me, holding my hand. The constant tender touch on the back of my hand and pure exhaustion caused me to fall into a sort of half sleep, and I could only assume that the murmur of voices were people talking about me, but I wasn't bothered enough to actually listen.
Someone was shaking me awake gently. I opened my eyes and blinked. Jay and Anne were there, and Niall and Liam were gone.
"What's going on," I mumbled, struggling to sit up.
"Louis is stable. He was awake for a few minutes before the drugs knocked him back out but...he was asking for you. Figured we could take you to see him if you'd like." Jay answered, and I nodded, sitting up a bit further. My mum pulled the blankets off my legs and stood by, in case I needed help. I swung my legs out of the bed and stood up slowly, my arm shooting out to grab onto my mum for support. Jay and my mum supported me on both sides, helping me to the door until I was stable enough to walk on my own. My mum rolled my IV next to me and I bit down hard on my lip as we headed for the door marked ICU. Jay pushed it open and lead the way down to the end, where curtains were pulled around a bed. Jay opened the curtain for me and my mum gave me a smile, handing over my IV pole, and I walked through. Niall and Liam were seated in chairs next to Louis, who looked...bad. My eyes immediately welled with tears but I swallowed them back.
Louis was hooked up to more machines than I had ever seen. His chest was bare save for the wrappings around his chest, and the oxygen tubes made his pale face look even thinner than it already was. Liam immediately stood up from his chair and brought it round for me to sit in. I shuffled over to it, not looking at him, and sat down gently next to Louis, not sure what to do. I wanted to hold him in my arms, cuddle him and make sure he was alright and love him to death, but I couldn't. The oxygen tubes helped him breathe shallow breaths, and I watched his chest go up and down, seeing how thin he was after only a few days without food. I kept my lips pressed together in a hard line, not trusting myself to do much more than that.
"The doctors say he should be fine. Just needs to stay here until he is stable enough to go home. And then bed rest until he's back to full energy." Niall offered, as though he thought the information would make me feel better. I didn't say anything.
"He did ask for you. As soon as he woke up. All he wanted was you. But...yeah, the drugs knocked him back out." Liam added, and my teeth just sunk further into the inside of my cheek in my effort to stay straight-faced. I twisted my fingers in my lap and then moved one hand to take his. It was warm but limp in his sleep. I took to gently stroking the back of it, playing gently with his fingers and staying silent. There were so many things I wanted to say to him, but I couldn't form the words.
Louis' hand twitched in mine and I jumped, not expecting it. I looked up towards his face, but he merely twitched in his sleep, not opening his eyes or saying anything. I looked back down at his hand, and his fingers slowly curled around mine as he slept on. Jay and my mum stood by the curtain opening, both of them looking on the verge of tears.
I stood up slowly, and everyone looked rather confused. "I should go. Gotta let him get rest."
"But Haz...he's gonna want you here when he wakes up..." Niall started to say, but I shook my head.
"I...I just need to...I need time." I answered gruffly, heading slowly for the curtain opening. Jay moved aside to let me through and my mum helped me back to my room, where I got back into bed and curled up on my side. She kissed my forehead gently and left to go comfort Jay. I let out a shaky sigh, feeling the tears welling in my eyes. My eyes physically hurt from trying not to cry, but I couldn't. I was not going to cry.
There was a knock on the door but I didn't even flinch. I just lay there, biting my lip hard. "Harry...Harry, it's Gemma...can I come in?"
I turned a bit and saw my sister standing in the doorway. The first hint of a smile made the corner of my mouth twitch and I nodded, sitting up a bit so I could talk properly. She sat down next to me and looked me right in the eyes.
"You alright?" She asked, and then flinched at her own words. "Ah...guess I already know the answer to that one, sorry, love."
"Could be worse, I suppose..." I muttered back, and she placed a gentle hand on my arm.
"He's gonna be alright, you know that, right?"
I nodded, begging myself to keep control of my feelings. The last person I wanted to see me cry, other than Louis himself, was my sister.
"You're gonna be alright too, you know? You'll be out of here in another day or so, I'm sure."
"I...I know." I said, my voice sounding rough and a bit shaky. The thought that had been settled in the back of my mind that I had been avoiding ever since seeing Louis in that bed was now coming to the surface and I didn't want to think about it. But there it was. "That's not what I'm worried about..." I found myself saying, and Gemma's eyebrows pulled together with concern.
"What is it...you can tell me, yeah? It's okay to be scared...talking it out helps." She offered as words of condolence,and I swallowed. It was going to be hard as shit to keep myself from crying if I tried talking about this. But it was Gemma. I trusted her, and I had to tell someone or I would explode.
"This is my fault...what if Louis blames me? Wh-what if he l-leaves me because I couldn't save him in time? Because I was too slow...I don't wanna lose him, Gems, I can't..." I choked out, and one tear escaped my eye, rolling down my cheek slowly.
"Oh, Harry..." Gemma stood and settled on the bed next to me, pulling me gently into her arms and holding me. My face was buried in her hair and I really felt like a break down was coming. "I haven't met Louis yet. But he doesn't seem like the type to blame you for anything...or leave you for that matter. That's not gonna happen."
"Gemma, I love him. I love him so much and I'm scared..." I sobbed, letting the breakdown take over me. I held onto my sister as she rubbed my back gently, speaking soothing words into my ear. I tried taking deep breaths to calm myself, because this was not working well with my 'no emotions at all' plan.
Eventually I was calm enough for Gemma to let go, and she pulled out a handkerchief and handed it to me. I wiped my cheeks cry with it and offered her a very small smile of thanks.
The door opened and my mum and a doctor walked in. The doctor had a clipboard and looked a little older but extremely nice.
"Hello, Harry. I'm Dr. Jones. How are you feeling right now?"
"Feel fine. Bit dizzy." I replied, and the doctor jotted down the things I was saying.
"Well, that is all to be expected. You suffered a severe concussion and minor bruising, you may be feeling that way for a few more days. However, you seem to be in pretty alright shape otherwise, so we see it fit to send you home tomorrow. Now..." he cleared his throat and looked a bit nervous. "Because of the circumstances that landed you and your friend in the hospital, the police see it fit to gather evidence and a statement from you so that they can have the evidence they need to convict the man of his crimes. They will be arriving shortly, and then after a night's rest, you may go home."
I just nodded, not really paying attention to the things he was saying. I just wanted to get this over with. I wanted to go see Louis again. Even if he wasn't awake or anything, I just needed to see him. The doctor had a quick word with my mum and then walked out. My mum came over and brushed a hand through my curls gently.
"When the police are done, we can take you back to see Louis if you'd like. If you feel up to it...I can see it in your eyes, you just want to be with him." I would have been surprised, but this was my mum. She always knew exactly how I was feeling, even if I did my best to hide it. I nodded and she smiled, settling down in the chair next to me. The door opened once again and Detective Parks, along with two other officers, came in.
"As it seems, you decided to take matters into your own hands,even after I warned you." Detective Parks said with a bite to her voice, and I had to concentrate very hard not to shrink back at her words. I opened my mouth to apologize, but she held up a hand, indicating that she wasn't finished. "But...I've never been more proud. You are very brave, Harry Styles, and if it hadn't been for you, Louis would probably not be alive right now. So thank you."
I swallowed and didn't say anything. My mum was smiling and my sister was just sitting there, keeping her eyes on me. Guess she was worried I'd cry on her again.
"We just need to ask you a few questions about what happened and then we will be all done."
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When I next walked into Louis' area of the ICU, it was to see that he was sitting up, and his eyes were open. He was still hooked up to a lot of machines, probably ones that were filling his body with nutrients and fluids so that he could become healthy again, but the oxygen tubes were gone. Louis was looking down at his hands, but when I walked through the curtain, he looked up. His eyes had so many emotions in them that I couldn't pick out just one, but his bottom lip was trembling and he reached out his hands to me. I went to him quickly and hugged him gently, letting him bury his face in my curls.
"Harry...Harry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Louis wept, repeating those words over and over again, holding onto me like his life depended on it. I just let him hold me, trying to stay calm and strong for him. I let my fingers play with the hair on the back of his neck, and he began to breathe easier almost at once, melting at my touch. I continued until his body had stopped shaking in my arms and he was not sniffling as much, and then I pulled away, just wanting to look him in the face. His blue eyes stared at me from sunken sockets...he looked exhausted and very thin, and that alone was enough to test my resolution once again.
I sat down next to him and we just held each other for a bit, just happy to be together and alive, and then I could hear commotion beyond the curtain. Detective Parks' voice was one I recognized, and I knew that now that Louis was awake, they were going to question him. He looked a bit scared, but when I asked him if he wanted me to stay, he shook his head.
"Don't want you to have to relive it...I...What he did to me...don't want you do hear, don't want to hurt you...m'sorry..." He stuttered, and I gave him another gentle hug.
"Don't be sorry. It wasn't your fault. Just...get better, alright? For me?" I asked, trying to smile at him, and it kind of worked, because he gave me a watery smile and tapped his lips. I moved my head closer and pecked his lips.
"Okay..." He whispered against them.
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The next day, I was able to go home. I wanted to see Louis before I left, but my mum told me he was asleep and would need a few more days of recovery before he was cleared to go home. I didn't protest. As if it would have helped. I was silent the entire ride home, and when we got home, I went right to my room without a word to my mum or sister. I sat down on my bed and placed my prescription on the bedside table, just looking around. I was home. I was safe.
I only left my room when my mum called me for dinner, and we spoke kindly at the table. She told me that she had contacted all of mine and Louis' teachers with Jay a few hours after the incident and they had all exempt us from our exams, meaning that I didn't have to go back to school until after break. I was perfectly fine with that, but that meant that I wouldn't get to see Louis as often as I'd like, which was sad.
Jay called during dinner to announce that Louis would be coming home on Wednesday, and her and my mum talked for a bit while I cleaned up the dishes with Gemma.
I called it a night shortly after that, but I couldn't sleep. Not without Louis. I had become so used to having his warmth next to me that it took me ages to fall asleep without it, and I only stayed asleep for about thirty minutes at a time. The rest of the time, I just stared out the window, watching as the sun slowly started to rise.
That's how it was for the next few days. I didn't do much. Mostly spent my days on my couch with my sister, checking my recovered phone for texts from Louis, even though I knew he wasn't going to text me until he was home.
But Wednesday came, and then went. I sent Louis a text saying welcome home, since I was busy all day helping my mom bake things for Christmas, but I never got a response. I even texted Niall and Liam to see what was going on, but neither of them responded either. I tried not to think much of it...it was Christmas and everyone was busy decorating and getting ready for the holidays and spending time with family, but it was still strange. Normally Liam would always tell me if he was busy so I knew not to bother him. But this time, I just shrugged it off, allowing myself to just breathe and not overthink things. I always did that, and that was what made me such an emotional person. If was going for the whole no emotion thing, then I couldn't over think things either.
But when Friday came with still nothing from everyone, I started to worry. I tried calling them all, but no one was picking up. It wasn't until later that afternoon that I received a text from Louis.
L: Can you come over?
I all but dove over the couch to reach my shoes as I typed back a quick reply.
H: Definitely. Be over soon.
I called to my mum that I was going over to Louis' and she grinned knowingly, but I just jammed on a hat and walked towards his house. It was freezing, but for some reason, it felt good to walk, to be out in fresh air with my head actually not throbbing for the first time in a few days. It felt amazing.
I reached Louis' house and rang the bell, and Jay answered. She looked very happy to see me and pulled me inside with a warm hug.
"I was wondering when he was going to invite you over. It's so good to see you, love."
"Good to see you too...upstairs, I assume?" I said, the first real smile I'd had in days breaking over my face, and she nodded.
"He's been pretty quiet up there. Not sure what he's up to, but I bet seeing you will make him smile."
I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and hurried up the stairs to Louis' room. The door was closed, so I knocked and there was a soft murmur of "Come in," from the other side. I pushed the door open and closed it behind me, looking around. Louis was sitting on the edge of his bed, looking better than before but still a bit sick. He turned to face me and his eyes looked different...there was no sparkle to them. His hands were twisting nervously in his lap and he was biting his lip. I walked over and sat down next to him, wanting to pull him into a hug and soothe him, but being almost scared to at the same time.
"Hey, Lou. You doing alright?" I asked, softly, brushing my hand over his. He flinched and pulled away from me, which hurt a bit, but I didn't think much of it. He was bound to be twitchy after whatever Mark had done to him.
"M'fine." was his response, and his voice sounded strange too. One thing was for sure, though, the vibe in the room was not one I was used to, and it was kind of scaring me a bit.
"So...I'm here now..." I said awkwardly, and that was weird in it of itself. Things were never awkward with Louis.
"Needed to talk to you..." he mumbled, looking down, and now I was legitimately scared.
"Lou, you're scaring me...please, just talk to me." I insisted,trying to touch him again, but again he moved away. I folded my hands in my lap after that, not wanting to be tempted again, as he obviously didn't want to be touched.
"Since I was...taken, I had a lot of time to think. And I...I..." He seemed to be having trouble getting the words out, but I just sat there, letting him take his time. He swallowed hard. "We can't be together anymore, Harry."
The silence that filled the room was one of the loudest I had ever experienced. I thought about pinching myself, convinced that I was in some sort of dream, but somehow, I knew that this was real. I opened my mouth, trying to think of something to say that would stop the hurt from blowing out of my chest, but Louis interrupted before I had even started.
"I can't let you get hurt again. I saw what he did to you...and I can't do that ever again. I...I don't want to date you anymore."
"Lou..." I said, my voice cracking, but Louis looked suddenly mad and he stood up, glaring at me.
"Don't call me that."
"But...you never minded it before..." I started to protest, not sure why he was angry. But that was apparently the wrong thing to do.
"Well, now I do. Can't you just respect what I'm asking here?"He nearly shouted that, and I flinched, standing up and backing slowly towards the door. My heart felt like it was being ripped right out of my chest, but there was no way I would let Louis have the satisfaction of seeing me cry.
"Okay...I'll go...I still love you..." I tried to keep my voice even, needing him to know that, even if this was the end.
"Well, I don't love you, okay? So just get out and leave me alone."
That was it. That was my breaking point. The lump rose dangerously fast in my throat and hot tears seared at the corners of my eyes. I turned my back on him and ran. I didn't stop when Jay asked where I was going, I didn't stop when she called my name from the front lawn as I ran up the street, and I just kept going until I couldn't breathe and my whole body was shaking. I wasn't sure where I was, and I was in so much pain that I could barely pull out my phone as I collapsed on a park bench. I hit the first number my thumb could find and seconds later, Barbara picked up.
"Harry, sweetie, what can I do for you?"
"Need picked up. A park somewhere...m'lost...please..." I babbled, not sure how she was going to achieve that, but just knowing that I needed help.
"Alright honey, I'm on my way. Don't you go anywhere."
I hung up and let my phone drop next to me on the bench. I curled in a ball on the frozen bench and held my chest, begging myself to be strong. But there was no strength left in me now. Louis had broken me, and I didn't think there would be any fixing it this time.