"Trust your heart if the seas catch fire, live by love though the stars walk backward."
Camila's POV:
I waited patiently as a shuddering breath escaped her lips; she began to fidget with her fingers and looked lost in her thoughts. I lowered my head to the level of her eyes and tried to read her to try to understand. She met my gaze and stuttered an apology. I smiled sympathetically and took ahold of her hand and gave it a squeeze.
"I used to have an alcoholic problem. A really really bad one, but I don't even think it was an addiction, because I knew that it was detrimental but I continued it because I wanted it to hurt me, does that make sense?"
My eyebrows furrowed her and i hoped she didn't think I was judging her, so I encouraged the conversation, ''But, why?''
"I drank because I wanted to get the thoughts out of my mind, the idea of being gay scared the living hell out of me, I feared rejection, I feared getting bullied, and I feared falling for someone completely out of reach. I drank to forget you, but some of those times I drank to be able to see you for beyond who you presented yourself to be. The night you came to my house, I wasn't entirely sober but I was good at hiding it because I had done it so many times before for my parents or Normani. I drank because I felt guilty for falling for someone who I thought gave herself to just anyone, I felt disgusted with myself because I thought I only craved you in the same lustful way that all those other guys did but one day, I realized that what really attracted me to you was that you were just as messed up as I was, in different ways, but still broken nonetheless. I still held a grudge over you though, because although I knew I was different, I never had an interest that proved that I was in fact, gay, then I started seeing you in the halls, you were still normal then, and I thought you were beautiful. I saw it as an innocent girl crush though, it was until you changed that everything became a little more real. Your change relieved me at first, because it would give me a reason to find you disgusting but it did the opposite, it made me want you even more and that angered me. So I drank. I drank until I was numb and couldn't think straight- couldn't think of you. But I convinced everyone around me that I hated you for being the way you were and a part of me did, but that part was never stronger than the part that wanted you."
I was beyond confused at this point, and didn't know what to respond because I was still stuck on the part of her confession where she admitted to having liked me ever since two years ago. It was strange to even think of Lauren liking me in this very moment, and I had told myself it was only because I was normal now, but this took me by total surprise. My thoughts were interrupted when I felt a tear fall onto my fingers, and I looked back up at her to see her studying my fingers while playing with them, and I noticed then, that her walls were tearing down.
In that moment, I didn't know anything more beautiful than Lauren Jauregui's fragile side. I saw as the tears in her eyes glossed the green and made them look brighter. I noticed then, that Lauren hadn't worn make up today. And her hair was messy due to the flower crown she had worn all day. I used the hand that wasn't occupying her attention and brought it to her face and connected the dots of freckles that rested on the bridge of her nose with my fingers. She closed her eyes, and let me do as I wanted as the tears continued to fall. I flipped her hair to the side she always preferred it to be from the times I had seen her tousle it, to get it out of her face. She loved to play with her hair; I knew that much about the almost stranger who sat in front of me. I studied her face. I had never been this close to her before, the only times I had was that night in her bedroom and I hardly even looked at her, and that other time in my room when she kissed me, but the moment was too fast-too rushed. I didn't know what to say to her, because although I should be comforting, tell her I understood, it only made it all the more confusing. Why couldn't we have saved each other then, when there was still time? But maybe that moment wasn't for then, it was for right now, and as our walls begged to crash before us, it was finally time to save each other. Maybe we had to learn a lesson first.
''We could have been afraid together, Lauren.'' I whispered, trying my hardest to voice my thoughts without disrupting our tranquility.
She rubbed her lips together and sat up straighter, tightening her grip on my hand, ''But that's just it, Camila, I didn't know you were afraid.'' She whispered back, looking like a little girl.
My face softened, suddenly, I wasn't as mad anymore. I had to remind myself, every time I grew angry at the world- that they didn't know, they never did, and now they do, and that's why they're rising to the rescue. All along, Lauren was just looking for a reason to believe that she wasn't sick for wanting me, especially during that dark time. It cleared some of the clouds of doubt in my mind, and a weak smile spread across my face. I couldn't help but rest my palm on her cheek and caress it. Lauren Jauregui was different, just as I had predicted all along. I kissed her forehead and lingered there for a moment, and felt a tear roll down my own face in which her eyes followed as if racing it.
''I've never hated you, Camz, not in the way you think I did, I think I hated myself more than I hated you but I threw it out on you because I know if I beat myself up for it, that they'd notice, they'd question me, and I wanted to be close to you somehow but I knew becoming your friend was a territory far too dangerous for my feelings. I never imagined you requiting them. But I gradually starting noticing the way you'd look at me in the mornings, and your stare resembled mine, and my first step at starting to get somewhere with you, was obviously not a good one, and that's probably my biggest regret, if the way I treated you isn't it.''
I watched her intently, so that I could feel everything in her words, the regret, the pain, but most importantly, the closure. Anyone with common sense would call me crazy for putting myself in this position, in this proximity with the one person who treated me worse than I treated myself, and in this forgiving compromise. But our days were counted, and I had lived in hesitation and in darkness for far too long to push away the one person who had given me hope all along. I think that's what love is, having faith in people when everyone else is ready to give up on them, and maybe that's why I had hope in her all this time, because Lauren Jauregui was someone I could fall in love with, someone who made it impossible not to, regardless of who she was, or at least, who she had been.
''I've wanted you, Lauren, for so long, and sometimes it was the scariest thing I had ever encountered, wanting someone, especially after feeling so life-less, and I think that's what sprouted a flower within me...that underneath all the revulsion I had for myself and the world-my heart still jolted at the sight of you, I may have romanced the idea of you this entire time, but the reality of you...is just as great as the illusion.'' I said with a smile.
She met my eyes then, and her eyes darted around every inch of my face, and a sob escaped her perfect pink lips. They were quivering and her eyes were doing that beautiful thing again, but they weren't as sad anymore, and that made this moment one I'd never forget. We all had our debts, but it wouldn't be fair to throw them at each other's faces all the time. We did that to ourselves enough.
She brought me closer and hugged me tightly.
I wrapped my arms around her waist and began to trace circles on her back with the tips of my fingers and began to do something I hadn't done in a long time.
Somehow we found ourselves lying back on her pillows, as I ran my fingers through her hair, being extra careful when I came across a few tangles and hummed the beginning of a song I had grown really familiar with, and found it fitting to show her one of my more covert sides since we were being honest.
When your tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
When it's in your spine like you've walked for miles
And the only thing you want is just to be still for a while
If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I am right be right beside you
When you're overwhelmed and you've lost your breath
When the space between the things you know is blurry nonetheless.
When you try to speak but you make no sound
And the words you want are out of reach but they've never been so loud
If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
I am right be right beside you
I will stay.
Nobody will break you,
Yeah.
Trust in me, trust in me.
Don't pull away
Trust in me, trust in me.
I'm just trying to keep this together, because I could do worse and you could do better
Tears are spent on your last pretense
And your tired eyes refuse to close and sleep in your defense.
If your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you
And, if your heart wears thin I will hold you up
And I will hide you when it gets too much
I'll be right beside you
Nobody will break you.
I felt her embrace tighter as I sang each lyric, and as I hummed the ending, I began to fall in love with the exaggerated exhales that escaped her slightly agape mouth and the pace that her heart had slowed down too which indicated her slumber. As much as Lauren wanted to pretend, that she was this unbreakable and strong person, sometimes someone as small as me can save her, just as the mouse had saved the lion in that one story.
I glanced at the clock that rested on her bedside drawer, and noticed that it was getting late and if I didn't leave now, I'd be late for dinner so I slowly got up from Lauren's bed, trying my best to not wake her up, and planted a kiss on her forehead. I looked around for a paper and pen to leave her a note; I didn't want her to wake up thinking that I abandoned her. Once I found one, I wrote a small message and put it in her hand.
''Reason number five out of sixty as to why I shouldn't take the pills: Lauren Jauregui is here on earth, and it'd be a damn shame to have someone else fall in love with the way she falls asleep.
"Goodnight, Lauren. See you tomorrow, Camila. xx''