The Self Worth Diet - Recipes...

By MaraShapshay

48.1K 1.2K 368

Welcome to my blog, The Self Worth Diet on Wattpad! Here you will find recipes, personal stories, articles t... More

How to Win A Nobel Peace Prize Everyday
Are You a Perpetual Victim? - 7 Ways to Stop Speaking Victimese
Living in the Grey - Seven Steps to Get Out of Negative Thinking
Amy Schumer's Healthy Body Image
My First Silent Retreat
Shapshay vs. Jenny Craig
Oprah's Gain to Weight Watcher's Losses
The Self Worth Diet's List of the Top Five Spiritual Retreats
Bridge to Reconciliation
The Women of Light in CIW Prison
An Icon Took Me In
Dresil - Sweet Rice Recipe
The Jokes on Me
Peach Cheesecake Muffins
The Honeymoon Lingerie That Outlasted My Marriage
Top Ten Ways to Improve Your Self Worth
Native American Code of Ethics
Sleeping with the Dalai Lama
Moonage Daydream Peanut Butter Cheesecake Brownies
A Comedic Review of the Paleo Diet
30 of the Hardest Things That Must Be Done to Achieve Success
Do It For The Kids
Are You "Shoulding" On Yourself?
10 Ways to Find Your True Soul Purpose
Marianne Williamson for Congress: Will It Take a Miracle For Her To Win?
"Life on Mars" Easy, Low-Cal Chicken Curry
Getting Over Disappointment in 12 Easy Steps!
The Homeless Serving The Homeless
It Ain't Personal: 7 Ways To Stop Taking Things So Damn Personally
This is What Real Women Look Like - Love Your Bodies, Ladies!
15 Things That Should NEVER Define Your Self Worth (c/o Mind, Body, Green)
How Many Divorcees Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?
Physical Hunger vs. Emotional Hunger
In The Valley With Joel Osteen
My Experience at The Dalai Lama's 80th Birthday Celebration
Valentine's Day - Mini Red Velvet Cheesecakes
Are You Aging Like a Fine Whine? How to Stop Obsessing About Your Age
Emmet Fox's Forgiveness Meditation
Rebecca Harrington's Ridiculous Beyonce Dieting Article
Losing Our Religion (and Journalism)
Gourmet Chocolate Cupcakes
My Divorce Made Me The Black Sheep
10 Meditations To Get Your Day Started
Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue Features The First Plus Size Model!
The Difference Between Faith and Trust
What's Eating Us
Virtues Are The Golden Buddha Within Us All
New Study - Diets Don't Work (On the Obese or Anyone, Really)
Affirmations for Healthy Weight Loss
"Plus Size" Doesn't Equal Unhealthy
Oprah, She Eats Bread and Still Loses Weight!
U.S News Best Diets of 2015
Apple Caramel Cheesecake Bars
Are You a Supreme Judge in the Court of Life?
The Most Vulnerable Kids in L.A. County
Best Chocolate Chip Cookie Recipe...EVER!
Amy Schumer Slams Glamour Magazine For Calling Her "Plus Size"
Grandma Mollie's Passover Sponge Cake
Flourless Chocolate-Orange Almond Cake
Coconut Macaroons With Chocolate Ganache
Food Shaming
Do You Live to Work?
25 Positive Affirmations That Will Change Your Life
The Biggest Gainers (Formerly The Biggest Losers)
Ashley Graham - A Little Cellulite Never Hurt Nobody
"Healthy" Foods You Shouldn't Be Eating
What Others Think About You Is None of Your Business
Eugene's Summer Lions Cut
American Flag Cheesecake Bars
On Female Obedience
The Break Through After the Break Down
Shame Eating
Raspberry Ricotta Cake
Anxiety is the New Black
Pumpkin Cupcakes With Cream Cheese Frosting
Getting Over Election Disappointment, In 10 Easy Steps
LA Magazine - Carrie Fisher Saved My Life
My Interview on "The Inside Shift" - Podcast
Keeping Carrie Fisher's Legacy Alive

I Didn't Ask, He Didn't Tell

374 16 19
By MaraShapshay

Here is my first ever article for The Huffington Post (Divorce Section).  Back when I started writing for Huff Po your articles would go on the front page of the site.  I got like 700 comments, all really mean!  It was the first time I realized that you should NEVER READ THE COMMENTS.  The article also went viral. This was my first experience with going viral...there have been many other times since. 

So, If I have any advice it would be...if you write for online magazines remember that people will comment and a lot of the comments will be hurtful.  Keep your head up, don't read the comments and keep writing!

Enjoy this piece about my first marriage to a questionably gay man.  Enjoy my pain wrapped up in comedy.  Please remember to vote and comment. I read the comments on Wattpad as this community is very supportive.  xoxoxo Mara

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My Orthodox Jewish grandmother told me that if I married a man who wasn't Jewish that he would eventually beat me. My Jewish mother told me if I married a gentile that she would serve only lima beans at my wedding and no one would come. Needless to say in my early 20's I was on a quest to marry the most Hebrewist man I could find.

The year was 1996. I was working at major motion picture studio. A six-foot tall, quite good-looking man in his early thirties walked up to my cardboard-like cubicle.

"Hi, I'm Jacob Jewstein (that's not really his name but trust me it was super heeby). I'm the new Mac guy." (It was his job to fix all the Mac computers on the studio lot).

What went through my mind instantly was "Mrs. Jacob Jewstein." You see not only did I have to marry Jewish but I had a timetable. By 26 I will meet the man of my dreams, married by 30 and kids by 33.

I aggressively pursued Jacob Jewstein like a tiger mom pursues an ivy-league education for her children. The signs were there from the beginning of the relationship: The full body waxing kits, the John Mayer concert tickets, the rainbow colored c--k rings. All kidding aside there were signs. He found oral sex repulsive, there were unexplained absences and he would sit in front of his computer with the door closed for hours. I thought he was shy or maybe had a mild case of Asperger's.

Regardless of all these signs, I wanted to be married so badly. Besides, lots of people's marriages look good on paper only, right? One of the real reasons I married my ex-husband (I've never admitted this before) was to prove to my family that I wasn't the loser they thought I was. I was the black sheep and the fuck up. Every family has at least one.

We tied the knot overlooking the Charles River in Boston. He never asked me to marry him. I just bought the ring myself and decided that's what we were doing. I had my big fat Jewish wedding. It was truly spectacular... until the honeymoon. I bought a cute little nighty to wear and sashayed out of the hotel bathroom to find a sleeping husband. That little nighty still has the price tags on it.

I felt like I was dying inside. I found solace in pills, just a few kinds: Vicodin, Ativan, Xanax, Klonopin, Tylenol with Codeine, Valium and Oxycotton. I was an over achiever, an opiate Olympian if you will. Don't worry, after winning the gold I retired from those Olympics.

Matters went from worse to horrific. We were like ships passing in the night. He would work long hours and come home in the middle of the night and sleep on the couch. Am not attractive? Not sexy? Not interesting? I had no self worth left and I didn't know what to do. I would indeed be even more of a loser if my family knew the whole situation and I got divorced.

But I had to know the truth, was my husband gay? One night I attempted to hack his computer but it was like Fort Knox with all its passwords so I went rooting around his closet instead (insert gay closet joke here). Under piles of clothes and boxes was a duffle bag. I pulled the bag out and opened it. Inside was a vast array of questionable porn, including some man on man selections. My heart dropped but I was also relieved. It wasn't me, he likes c--k!

"I'm going to need a divorce," I blurted out when he got home. He didn't say anything or admit to being gay. He told me that I was dramatic and "who would want to have sex with someone like me?" I was devastated.

I found research done by University of Chicago sociologist Edward Laumann, Ph.D. He estimated that between 1.5 million and 2.9 million American women who have ever been married had a husband who had had sex with another man.

Now, don't get me wrong, I love gay men. I would say 80 percent of my friends are gay men; I just didn't intend on marrying and subsequently divorcing one. I felt betrayed, angry and extremely sad. I have no idea who I married and we don't have a relationship today. It's a shame too because it would have been really great to be friends and go together to the "Sound of Music Sing Along" at the Hollywood Bowl.



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