Get ready as this is extremely harrowing...
After the assembly, we had the usual lessons for the day - PE, Science, English, Business Studies and Drama.
As I'm in my "current situation" Phil and I luckily didn't have to do PE so we just sat on the side, talking about things that meant nothing to other people.
"Do you want to come to my house after school?" Phil asked me as he waited patiently for me to finish getting my phone out so that we were occupied for the next hour.
"Yeah, okay, thanks, but first I need to drop my stuff home." I said as I finished getting out my earphones and plugging them in the phone before handing one to Phil. "What do you want to listen to?"
"Panic! At The Disco? Or maybe My Chemical Romance? I'm not too fussed either way." Phil replied, adjusting the earphone.
I put on a random Panic! At The Disco song, which ended up being 'Build God Then We'll Talk'. About a third into the song Phil bursts out into conversation.
"Have you ever seen the music video for this song?"
"Yeah." I said, recollecting my memories of the video, shuddering as I do so. "It's really fucking weird."
"I know right! Like what goes through Brendon's head when he thinks of the music videos, like the same goes for 'Nine In The Afternoon', it's like he was on cannabis."
"Very true, but that's what I love about Panic! they're, just so incredibly mind confusing, abstract, and unpredictable with what they're going to do with their releases."
"I agree, I love seeing where other people's minds can drift to."
After that, I didn't reply with words, just a simple 'mmhm' sound, but of course, Phil knew exactly what I meant.
Four or so hours later I was in Business Studies, sat next to PJ. No one was really listening to what the teacher was saying as we'd studied social enterprises for about a month, constantly 'recapping knowledge' and the entire class was just completely done.
"Dan," PJ whispered under his breath whilst doodling in the margin on the page. "Are you a virgin?"
I literally spluttered, out all the questions I could've heard today, that was one that I certainly did not expect.
"What?" I responded, not deciding whether I'd heard it right.
"Well, y'know, are you a virgin?" He asked again, in the same casual tone.
"Why? Are you?"
"That's what I wanted to talk to you about."
"What are you implying?"
"I-I, erm, well, I want to take my relationship with Chris a bit further and I being as I am in fact a virgin I have not a clue on what to do, you know? I want it to be special because I know that it's his first time too, so, well, I was just kind of asking for advice."
"Oh,"
"Yeah."
"Well to answer your question, I'm also a virgin." I responded.
"Okay, I didn't want to ask Phil straight away but that's the only solution left."
"What, is Phil a virgin?"
"I-er, that's not for me to answer."
Even Phil wasn't a virgin, I wouldn't mind because that's the past and the thing that I've learnt recently is things in the past should be let go, regardless how hard it is to actually to let them go. Phil loves me and that's all that matters.
-
At long last, the last bell rang and we could finally go home. Being confined for seven hours is never fun, but it's also important.
"I'll meet you at mine, yeah?" Phil said as we got there as earlier I said I had to drop my stuff home.
Usually, when I came home, Mum would also be home, but today the door was locked and there was two cars in the drive way - one being my Dad's.
As I didn't bring a key as I though that I didn't need to, so I went to the spare key round the back. After finding it, I opened and was greeted with a low grunting sound and a murmured 'shit'.
As I had literally no clue what was going on I paused and continued, taking my shoes off and going up the stairs. When I reached the landing, my Dad walked out of his room and walked into the bathroom so I just went in my room.
Once I'd collected my stuff and walked out, I ran straight into my Dad.
"Dad? What are you doing home?"
"Oh I didn't feel too great at work so I came home and went to sleep." He said and scratched his head.
"Oh okay, I hope you feel better soon and I'm going to Phil's, please tell Mum."
"Sure son," he said and I turned round ready to go. "Oh Dan?"
"Yes?"
He came over and gave me a hug before ruffling my hair and walking straight back into his bedroom. I heard his door shut as I put my shoes on before making my short commute to Phil's.
"Hey Cat." I said as she opened the door.
"You alright darlin'? Phil's upstairs,"
"Thank you, I'll see you later."
Phil opened his door before I'd even knocked, and jumped up onto me, wrapping his legs round me and kissing me deeply. Of course I kissed back, walking back and shutting his door behind us. I put us both on the bed, my back against it so Phil was on top. He began to straddle me and as he tried to break the kiss, I followed him up so my neck and head where of the bed.
Eventually, we had to break away but when we did, we where both heavily panting and smiling.
"Someone's desperate." I joked.
"Yeah,"
"Well, I missed you, and I love you." He said through pants.
Once our breathing had regulated, I asked him the question that had plagued my mind all day. I don't understand why this had constantly bugged me, but it just had.
"Phil are you a virgin?"
Phil immediately tensed, but then quickly sorted himself out.
"N-no. No I'm not and you have no clue on how much I could say that I wish that I was lying."
"It's okay Phil, it's okay," I said, kissing his forehead, "if you don't mind me asking, when?"
"You know, I've never really told you much about my life before I met you, have I?"
"No."
Trigger warning - mentions of substance abuse and suicide. I will happily sum this chapter up to you and please read with care, you are not alone.
"Okay, well, here goes. Before I met you, I was exactly like you before you met me. I tried all these things that the popular people did - the constant partying, the smoking, the drugs, th-the bullying and the one night stands.
I hated myself so much at the time, I just wanted to die. I thought that I'd never be loved, so I hooked up with Zoe, and that's why that group hate me so much. I don't remember much that night but the skunk, alcohol and the morning after. I-I remember when I woke up, seeing someone completely naked, sweaty and scratched and I fucking hate myself so much for it.
So, I changed. I met with Chris and PJ outside of school being as they didn't really know what I was doing or anything I've done, and they changed me. They made me feel like I had purpose and I was capable or doing more that.
Then one day, a good friend of mine, committed suicide and I couldn't cope. I went back to the drink, the cannabis until one day, I drank too much," at this point, Phil was full on crying so I sat him up and wrapped myself around him. "PJ found me in the park on his way to Chris'.
To save me, he had to stick his fingers down my throat and I changed to who I am today. And thank fuck I did because if I didn't, I would probably be dead."
Tears. My vision had fogged over so much that I dare not to blink. I wasn't angry at Phil, I was just scared. The concept of loosing Phil scared me so much.
"It's okay Phil, it's okay. You're better than that now and you're literally my favourite human being ever. It's okay babe, it's okay."
"It's not though, is it?"
"Focus in the present, okay? Look, think how much you've changed, how much you've grown up, how much you've achieved. Phil you saved my life. Think how much of an achievement that is! Remember just how much I love you and just because of your past, that's not going to chance, okay? I love you, Phil."
"I love you too, Dan, so much, so, so much."
-
An hour later, it was like nothing happened. We had had dinner and I was just getting ready to leave. Phil kissed me goodbye and I shouted a 'thanks' to his Mum and walked back to mine.
I opened the front door to hear muffled shouting. Intrigued, I silently crept over and listened through the door of the kitchen.
Trigger warning again.
"Love?! You love us do you?! Explain the pink smear across your mouth then. Explain the condom I found on the floor of our fucking bedroom. Explain the overly-tanned girl with the scraped up blonde hair!" Mum screeched.
"I-I-" Dad attempted to defend himself, but Mum cut him short.
"You know what, Richard? Get the fuck out of this house, now, right now. How dare you say you love me in the house that my Mother provided us with, the house that kept you sheltered. When the time you had to be here the most, with Dan and the fact that he tried to fucking kill himself, you fuck things up."
"You're not with him here either, so don't fucking give me that Sarah."
"I'm not with him either? Oh so who takes him counselling? Who cooks his food and tells him it's going to be okay? Who lets his boyfriend stay round here and look after him better than his Dad does? You say that you love Dan, but if you did, why did you be so naive and commit infidelity?"
"I accepted him though, even though I didn't really want to, I wanted grand kids, but I still tried."
"Your attempt to try failed, I've told you once Richard and I will not tell you again, get the fuck out of this house, now!"
Before u had time to move, Dad swung the door open and just stood in horror, Mum following sooner after.
"Dan!" She ran over and hugged me, crying into my hair.
This is all my Dad's fault. In semi-rage, I got up and stood close to my Dad. Due the height difference, I was actually taller than him.
"You cheated on my fucking hard working, loving and actually accepting Mother who actually gives a shit about his son who has wanted to die for a year? How dare you even have the audacity to consider it. I thought something dodgy was going on when you were 'ill' but I did the thing every other person could do to their own Father, trust him. Fuck off."
My Dad then released a singular tear and drove off, not taking his stuff. I engulfed Mum in a hug, whispering comforting words to my Mum before going upstairs as she said she 'wants space' the dug into the wine cabinet.
I went upstairs and saw it shine. Just a sharp edge. No. Phil.
But, the temptation was too strong, I picked it up and sliced it against my right wrist, watched the Crimson trail leak out into my once completely white flesh.
I ran out the house and called Phil and explained everything.
"Okay, Dan call the number that I'm about to text you: insert number as I'm about to go out with my Mum right now and my phones out of charge and you don't have her number. I'll talk to you soon, I love you."
I waited anxiously for the number to come through and dialled it immediately.
"Hello, you have reached the suicidal prevention line..."
"Suicide prevention line?! Phil? Phil!"
"It's going to be okay, I just need to know your name."
"D-Daniel Howell." I stuttered in response to the woman on the phone.
"Recently discharged from hospital due to an attempt?"
"Yes."
"Okay..."
-
After the call with the suicide prevention line, everything was okay, I thanked Phil and went home. When I got home I found my Mum next to two empty bottles of wine and her lying in the couch. I tucked her up as if she was in bed, put some water, some tablets and a bucket next to her in case she was sick in the night.
I shut my parents door on the way, climbed into bed without getting ready and allowed the dark to take over me once again.
A/N I'm sorry.
But this chapter was actually really important, you're not alone and there are people out there to help. There are suicide prevention lines internationally and people want to help. You can get through this, regardless of difficulty. You can also message me too.