Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Twenty-Six

A/n: Before you even say it, yes I know I'm a piece of absolute shit. I'm working on fixing that in the new year but as you can see, it's going rather poorly. I will keep you posted.

Just a quick heads up toward the end of this chapter there's a scene where a guy non-concensually pins Dan against the wall but not even in a sexual way really, just to be intimidating moreso. So yeah, if that's a thing you're not cool with then like watch out kids

*Dan's POV*

"How the hell can you?" Chris asked, his features riddled with obvious confusion. He'd started to take stumbling backward steps as if subconsciously trying to put more space between us, something I couldn't really blame him for given the fevered gaze Cat had set on him.

However, justified or not, I couldn't deny that it stung a bit. Deep in my chest where just moments prior there had been an abundance of warmth toward the newly-met acquaintance and the surprisingly smooth beginning to our potential friendship, there was now only a dull uneasy ache.

It was odd, how unlike anything I'd ever experienced before this situation was, and yet at the same time how eerily familiar it seemed. I guess, in the most simplest of comparisons, it felt sort-of like looking into a mirror. Despite the fact that I'd never actually had the chance to view myself in third person, every expression flickering across his face resonated with me in a way that only could if one specifically related to them.

Sure, I'd never had the chance to see myself wear said expressions, but there was a part of me that knew I had in the past. Naturally, that meant I also had a pretty good idea how he was feeling at the moment, ambushed with overwhelming new information when he'd finally settled into a situation he felt comfortable he wouldn't have to expect something like that from.

Perhaps that's what the ache was, a quiet drone of sympathy thrumming through me the longer I considered what it was to be in his shoes right now. It had started to replace every shred of excitement I'd previously felt toward the surprise turn of events, guilt seeping through me the more I took in his sheepish stature.

This wasn't going to end well. It wasn't going to end in shared recollections of our difficult pasts that only the two of us would be able to relate to. It wasn't on a set path toward mutual bonding over hardships that would end in shared sentimental tears being shed. It was already set on the road to ruin from the very beginning, and I should have known as much.

Not just because I'm pessimistic toward any type of social endeavors, considering what low depths my faith in the human race as a whole has plummeted to, but because I know him. Not him as an individual per se, but I know him in general. We've faced the same struggle, manipulated our lives to suit it, surely we can't differ all that much from each other.

If I was trying my damndest to have one night where I could just go through the motions of a shitty minimum wage job without the constant fear of running into ghostly apparitions, one evening where I could just pretend to be a normal person like all of the unnamed faces surrounding me on a daily basis, the absolute last thing I'd want interrupting it would be something as abruptly life-altering as this scenario.

Watching the way his eyes shifted between Cat and I, squinted with all of the skepticism and unwillingness to believe that I'd grown accustomed to using over the years, I knew that there was no way he didn't feel the exact same toward it all.

Suddenly I felt like backing away from the scene myself, shrinking backward and blending seamlessly into the varying faces in the crowd. This was everything I'd been after for so long, I'd finally found another person like me, and yet the process was accompanied with none of the overwhelming relief I'd been expecting. It was stressful, tense, uncomfortable. It felt like I was treading in unreasonably hypocritical territory, putting all of these expectations on one person when I loathed people treating me with the same high hopes.

Why are things never as good as they seem in theory?

Chris had taken to gripping the counter behind the bar, his knuckles white from the pressure on the joints. He was still staring warily in our direction, his eyes comically wide where they weren't covered by the dark sweep of his fringe.

"Is this a joke? Some type of experiment? Did Pj put you up to this? Is she even a real ghost!?" The questions left his lips so quickly it was difficult to tell where one started and the next began, his words falling over each other until it was a stressed slurred mess akin to what I'd expect the elderly man at the opposite end of the bar to speak.

I was still in the process of trying to carefully separate what he'd said into individual coherent questions seconds later, but it seemed Cat was slightly ahead of me in the process because she lurched forward suddenly. Her hands slammed down against the bar top (metaphorically, I suppose, since she wasn't actually capable of touching it) and she leaned forward, trying to look as stereotypically intimidating as she possibly could. I didn't have time to tell her all the reasons I didn't think that was the right approach to take before she was speaking up, acting borderline oblivious to my presence at her side.

"Duh I'm a real ghost, what's that even supposed to mean?!" She scoffed, sounding personally offended and ready to fight for the title if challenged again. It was odd watching the events play out, between all the similarities I was drawing between Chris and I and the unusually brazen nature Cat had taken on, I couldn't shake the feeling that I was watching my own life from a different perspective.

Maybe it was just the urgency of making things worked out, or perhaps the excitement upon discovering another living person that could interact with her, but Cat had lost all of the laid-back personality she normally executed with such clarity. It was odd seeing her so far from her natural character, but I had a feeling it was far more overwhelming to be the man all of these brash advances and comments were directed toward.

Hell, as it was he'd already looked ready to bolt, now he looked on the verge of asking the ground itself to open up and swallow him down away from this confrontation. Either Cat didn't notice or she straight-up couldn't find it in her to care, because she started to step through the bar and close the remaining space he'd left between them in abundance, only stopping when I jumped to swing an arm out ahead of her. That was a good sign, considering she could have just continued walking if she was really that set on moving forward.

Though she didn't look overly pleased when she glanced at me out of the corner of her eye, lifting a single brow and prompting me to explain the action that was keeping her from moving this exchange along as hurriedly as possible. I sheepishly cleared my throat, searching in vain for words to explain myself without sounding like I was just directing my emotions onto Chris.

"Calm down, you two. It doesn't have to feel so offensive, we're just excited, that's all. You're the first person like me we've ever met, so excuse us for acting a little crazy." I'd turned to Chris as I spoke, deciding it was more likely to calm him down than Cat at a time like this. She'd only grow increasingly difficult until I managed to make her see things from a reasonable point of view, and by then she probably would have scared the poor guy off.

Even now he looked quite uncomfortable, not appearing to be comforted by my words in the slightest despite the even tone I'd used, and how I'd edged closer to put half of my body between him and Cat in an attempt to separate the two obviously contradicting members of the situation. It was a foreign concept to me being the peacemaker in a scenario, and I couldn't help but long to have Phil there with me to lead the way instead. It was a silly wish, I was painfully aware of this, but even if he had no idea what was going on and made it doubly difficult by having to speak without giving anything away, his presence alone would be calming enough on my nerves to make up for it all.

I sucked in a harsh breath, squaring my shoulders and letting my eyes flutter shut for just a second or two to relish in the fleeting fantasy. Even just knowing where he was at in the building, that'd be enough really. The security I would find in knowing he was here alone would do wonders for the anxious shuddering of my shoulders and the unease settled in the pit of my stomach.

I clutched my hands into tight fists at my sides, the lingering promise of being able to go meet with Phil as soon as I was done here the only thing able to encourage me into continuing. I glanced up, forcing a shaky smile and trying to sound as comforting as I possibly could for someone in such dire need of comforting myself.

"We don't have to figure everything out right now. When are you off? We can go somewhere private then to talk about it." I offered, ignoring the obvious tremor in my voice midway through the suggestion. Put into perspective, I'd been on the brink of unintelligible the entire time I was speaking I was muttering so badly, if anything the way my voice had wavered during the final sentence made it easier to hear.

He still seemed skeptical, but given how focused on him I was it didn't go over my head when he started to straighten up into a more communicative stature, rather than practically curling in on himself against the back counter. My heart thudded loudly in my chest, racing as I struggled to find a way to guide the conversation along in the right direction. I hadn't expected to be on the spot again right after speaking, I hadn't thought to plan a follow-up.

Out of lack of other options, I found myself distractedly looking toward the friend who had been standing dormant beside me. Her eyes were still set on Chris like a dog to a bone and even I would be lying if I even tried to defend her and say it wasn't unnerving. Her eyes flickered to mine suddenly and I clammed up under the expectant gaze, panicking and shrugging my shoulders. Little did I know that she'd take it as me giving her the stage, asking her to take lead of the conversation again.

"Or we can go somewhere now, it's kind of a big deal." She blurted eagerly, turning to Chris with a widespread toothy grin. I groaned inwardly, resisting the urge to lift a hand to my face and slap it against my forehead in exasperation. You can't say something that implies that much urgency and pressure only to try and make up for it with a big enough smile.

I reluctantly looked back toward Chris, watching his reaction with apologetic eyes. Varying emotions flickered across his face with the choppy stop and start of switching through tv channels, each show you stumble upon differing grandly from the last with no noticeable correlation. Exactly like that, his expressions were impossible to follow as they changed so drastically, each transition taking less than a split second to complete.

Finally, he settled on an open-mouthed gape, lips parted just enough to let shaky stuttered breaths escape. His eyes were narrowed, flitting around the room anxiously like he genuinely couldn't decide his next move. There was no arguing that he looked slightly further panicked than he had previously, after finally starting to relax, and surprisingly Cat actually took notice of her mistake this time.

She cleared her throat, giving an awkward chuckle. "No pressure."

I grimaced, looking down at my feet and not even bothering to hide the disappointment I felt toward her. I could tell she was making an effort to be more approachable now, she just wasn't doing a very good job of it. Like the last block settled atop a trembling, unbalanced Jenga tower with far too shaky of a hand, that final addition she'd spoken was exactly what would send things toppling to the ground.

I opened my mouth the moment she'd closed hers, turning rapidly to try and get a word in. If I were on the fence, deciding between whether to run or linger and entertain the two weird people that had just turned my world upside down, a 'no pressure' comment would certainly push me quite strongly in the opposite direction. I just hopped I could pull him back before he gave up on us entirely.

"Chris, please just hear us out." I laughed, moving to sit in the stool I'd previously occupied. I never got there though, because the same way his eyes followed my every movement I kept mine glued to his as I did so.

Mid-way through the trip though I noticed something change in his expression, a soft sigh leaving his lips as he shook his head just enough to be noticeable. As much as I wanted to object, something told me that nothing I could say no truly would change his mind. Not to mention he looked remorseful enough as it was, like he somehow felt bad for turning us down despite how it was obviously what would be easiest for him.

He managed a final weak inkling of a smile in my direction before whipping his head around to face the opposite direction, a shout bellowing out of him so loud it surprised even me. I didn't even wait to see what it was he was about to say before getting to my feet and pulling my jacket tighter around my frame.

"Security! There's an under-aged kid here and he," He paused, looking over his shoulder at me. I'd already started to back away, though even from a few feet away I could make out the apologetic undertones to his frown. He turned back then though, cupping his hands around his mouth to get the message further. "-he won't take no for an answer!"

"Maybe another time then." I blurted, giving a choppy wave before spotting a burly figure approaching the bar and deciding to take my leave. I darted forward and hurriedly dove into the crowd, squirming my way through the sea of people and hoping none of them would be too offended by the lanky kid doing a pathetic job of shoving them out of his path.

"Dan! Where are you going?!" Cat called after me, a mix of annoyance and genuine confusion laced into the question. I didn't bother to turn back though, not yet, I'd only just made it into the crowd and there was no telling whether the guard had seen me do so or not.

So instead I ducked and dodged until I found myself on the opposite side of the building, panting heavily from both all of the physical effort I'd just put into the trip and the amount of secondhand body heat I'd been subjected to being that close to so many people.

It was only now that I'd found a gap in the crowd, near one of the far walls a distance from the dance floor, that I looked back and realized just what it was exactly that I'd faced on that rush of adrenaline. I could now see behind me just how many people littered the building again, and from an outside perspective it was extremely easy for my nerves to catch up with me over it. I was just thankful I hadn't become hyper aware of this while strewn somewhere in the middle of it all.

Even now in retrospect I found myself shivering uncomfortably, my skin feeling clammy with the realization of just how many people I'd ended up bumping into on my trip over here. I was in the process of trying to shake off the eerie feeling, hugging my arms tightly around the front of my torso and mentally insisting to myself that I was overreacting considering it was something I'd already made it through and it was in the past, when a familiar voice called out to me.

Sadly, it was not the familiar voice I was hoping to hear. Even sadder, Cat did not sound pleased with me in the slightest for taking off on her like a bat out of hell and not even taking the time to look back.

"Dan!" She'd shouted, my gaze snapping upward to watch as she approached through my lashes, though I still couldn't bring myself to lift my head from where my chin was tucked securely against my chest. Not that I really felt too bad for the disrespect I was paying her, considering the obvious anger coursing through her as she approached, so strong her form itself seemed to tremor.

She didn't even give my small shaken form a second glance when she came to a stop in front of me, immediately launching into the angry rant that must have been boiling on the tip of her tongue the entire trip to find me. "What were you thinking running off like that!? There are so many people here, I might not have been able to find you again. Actually, what made you think it was a good idea to run off in the first place, you idiot!?"

"The burly bouncer lumbering toward me made it a fight or flight situation, Cat, I didn't exactly have a lot of options." I muttered bitterly, shooting her a glare. She remained oblivious to what kind of condition I was in, huffing loudly and looking back over her shoulder.

"Dan, don't you realize how huge that was back there? He could see me! You can't walk away from something like that without getting answers first!" She shouted, turning back to me with some majorly over-exaggerated hand gestures to emphasize her point. I shrugged indifferently, sinking back a step to lean against the wall. I kicked the toe of my shoe against the worn linoleum, watching the movement intently and pretending to not notice the expectant way she was addressing me. That is, until she prompted me further and left it pretty impossible to pull off without looking like an asshole. "Dan?"

"Yes, I can." I answered meekly, looking up and blushing when I locked eyes with a man a few steps behind Cat's form who'd clearly heard me speak up as well. Of course, he couldn't see who I was addressing, so I probably looked like a right psycho standing alone and muttering to myself.

Just another reason public settings are not my thing, I hate having to be on alert all of the time to make sure I don't give off the wrong impression.

"Okay, fine, you can. That doesn't make it any less stupid that you actually did." Cat groaned, clearly reaching the end of her patience. Likewise, my ability to take her comments in stride was faltering. I was already exhausted both mentally and physically from the events of the evening, having this exchange with her was the last thing I wanted to be doing right now.

I could easily think of the first though, and that was yet again the only thing that kept me powering through it all rather than giving up and going home.

I opened my mouth hurriedly to reply, thinking better of it last second when I remembered to be cautious no one else overheard. I cleared my throat, discreetly gesturing for Cat to follow along as I headed toward the nearby washrooms. I ignored her mumbled complaint about having to follow me into the men's room.

Once we were inside and I was certain we were the only occupants I turned and propped myself up on the sink's edge, letting my legs hang over as I leaned back to address her. After having a few moments to calm down I was seeing things with a bit more clarity as well, speaking up with a more understanding tone in hopes of avoiding starting another full-on fight between the two of us.

"What other choice is it that you think we have? If he doesn't want to talk to us about it, there's nothing we can do. The more we chase him the more he'll do to evade it."

"Well, we could try, you don't know for certain that-"

"Trust me, I do." I chuckled, successfully cutting her off. At first she looked offended, scoffing as she moved to speak up again and ignore my interjection, before I suddenly looked up and met her gaze with my own. She faltered then, clearly seeing something there that made her second-guess her first impression of what I'd said. I was thankful for this, acting on every chance I could get to convince her to see things from my point of view. "I know exactly what it's like to be in his shoes, I've pulled that same panic cord he just did countless times, and there's no changing his mind for him."

"But..." She started to object before trailing off, uncertainty flickering across her features as she moved to 'sit' beside me on the sink. She tipped her head back, staring up at the ceiling as she seemingly struggled to find the right words. I watched her out of the corner of my eye curiously, trying to decipher what the oddly forlorn look she wore could mean.

Finally she spoke up a long moment later, not moving from her position with the perfect view of the roof even as she did so. It was almost like she was purposely avoiding meeting my gaze, like she was worried about how to breach the topic. "I mean, Dan, it's no secret that you've been wishing for something like this since you were a kid. And now you're just gonna let it get away? What if we never see him again and you end up this alone forever?"

She trailed off quietly, taking a deep breath before hesitantly sitting up to look in my direction. I guess she'd been expecting a more immediate reaction out of me, but I was still repeating what she'd said in my mind in disbelief. She looked worried about this, right up until the moment I broke out into skeptical laughter, then she only looked irritated.

I prayed no one would walk into the room at that point because it'd be incredibly difficult to explain, but I couldn't ward off the amusement suddenly overwhelming me.

"Cat, come on." I managed through chuckles, earning a blank stare that was one part confusion and one part annoyance. She shook her head at me, scrunching her eyebrows and trying to prompt me into explaining myself.

"What?" I ran a hand through my hair, giving her a skeptical one-over to make sure she hadn't been joking before deciding she was being serious about this. I inhaled softly, forcing myself to give her a proper response despite the laughable circumstances.

"Cat, I'm not alone." I stated straightforwardly, trying to watch her closely for a reaction and receiving nothing but an emotionless blink. I rolled my eyes, looking down at where my feet hung. It was only now that it caught up with me how irrevocably cheesy the response I'd been planning on truly was, but it was too late to back out so I ignored the prominent blush invading my features as I continued. "How could I be alone when I have you and Phil?"

I quirked an eyebrow upon hearing her answering choked noise of surprise, looking over at her in confusion. She just shook her head to dismiss me, not giving me any explanation for the strange reaction.

"Are you sure that's enough though?" I pulled a face, scoffing at the skepticism in her tone.

"Why wouldn't it be? I've gotten by without help on the whole ghost front this far, I'm sure I can continue on the same way." I insisted, staring at her with pursed lips and practically daring her to challenge my opinion. She seemed unsure of what to say, opening her mouth with hesitancy only to be immediately cut off when I tacked on a finishing sentence as an afterthought. "Besides, who's to say he'd even be able to tell me anything I don't already know?"

"It's not that, I know you can hold your own." She groaned, this time not hesitating at all to comment and make it clear I'd sailed right past whatever point she was trying to make.

She bit her lip, rolling her neck on her shoulders until she was staring over at me from an angle that couldn't possibly be considered comfortable. All of which were just obvious attempts to stall before making it apparent what exactly her point actually was, but I didn't dare call her out on this when she already looked so pressed.

Finally, after a lot of hesitation and careful consideration, she seemed to settle on where to begin. I listened intently, trying to seem as welcoming as possible. "It's just, you spent so long trying to find other people like you, you worked so hard. Sure, you can talk to me about these things, but wouldn't it mean more with someone who actually knows what you're going through?"

I hummed intuitively, glancing up as someone walked into the room. They cast me a weird look before continuing on to one of the nearby urinals, thankfully deciding to pass on questioning the strange boy sat by his lonesome on the sink in a dirty public bathroom.

I waited patiently until he'd washed his hands (at the sink furthest from mine) and left before finally getting around to thinking about my response to Cat's question.

It's not that I didn't see where she was coming from, something about what she was saying sounded painfully familiar, to the point that it was obvious I'd definitely thought the way she was implying at one point or another. It just felt so long ago, even if the fact she'd had to ask at all implied this had been my train of thought quite recently. The memory of it felt blurry. I couldn't even remember what logic I must have reasoned with in order to convince myself that I needed another person going through the same things as me to get by.

It didn't feel like a necessity now, it hardly even felt like something I wanted. I mean, it was an amazing coincidence that Chris fit the role, but that alone wasn't the deal-maker quality of his. If he had have been a complete asshole of seeing ghosts I wouldn't have spent a second trying to befriend him, I would have moved on without a care in the world for the 'opportunity' I'd just missed out on.

I guess, in the simplest terms, it felt a little trivial. What was the grand importance I'd placed on finding someone that had powers identical to my own anyway? Was there anything they could say to me that would really differ from what Cat was capable of? Was there some special specific way only they could make me feel?

I couldn't think of why there would be. If anything it sounded more like a fantasy, like a childish dream that I'd meet someone identical to me and I wouldn't have to be so alone anymore. It was a nice thought, but it didn't seem like such a necessity now. Maybe it wasn't a fellow freakshow I was looking for as much as it was simply desire to have a friend, one I could confide in when I needed it.

Aside from Cat, who I'd been taken for granted for a long time without even noticing it seemed. Funny how one person can change your entire perspective like that, sometimes without even trying.

I tried to ward off the answering giddy expression that threatened to invade my lips at that thought, but it proved futile. No matter how quick I was to wipe it back to a clean slate each time my mouth would twitch up into the bubbly grin, the onslaught was never-ending and it refused to simply stay gone.

Naturally Cat noticed before I could get things under control, only multiplying how eager she seemed to hear my delayed reply. Unable to handle the wide-eyed childish excitement focused on me for too long, I found myself sheepishly clearing my throat and speaking up through the stubborn smile still splayed across my features.

"I don't need people that can relate to my struggles, I need people that can help me through them. And I already have those." I explained softly, not daring to look up and meet her gaze. It's not like I was missing out on all that much, I knew her well enough to be able to imagine perfectly the look she'd be giving me after admitting something like that.

Still, it was difficult to move the conversation along like that, especially because she seemed hesitant to do so all on her own. She was probably waiting for me to look up at her so she could tease me for how flustered I surely looked right about then. I couldn't even blame her for it was the worst part, considering I'd probably do the same thing if roles were reversed.

That didn't make me any more apt to go along with it though. The unfamiliarly strong rush of admiration for Phil that had filtered through me upon looking back on how much I'd grown because of him these past few months was overwhelming. And despite the fact my emotions positively refused to stay buried, instead deciding to broadcast themselves loud and proud across my face in a way that left little to the imagination, it still felt far too private to share with even her. I couldn't look up at her when what I was feeling was carved into my features in such a painstakingly obvious way, that'd be the equivalent of confessing it all to her when I couldn't even admit it to myself just yet.

I bit my lip, still not looking up as I quietly continued. "I'm happy with this, with you and Phil, I don't need anything more."

"And you're absolutely sure about this?" I groaned, unimpressed by the way she'd single-handedly managed to ruin such a tender moment. I didn't hesitate to flip my hair out of my eyes and glare wholeheartedly at her then. She took to giggling softly then, making it clear she'd purposely asked that question despite knowing the answer just to irritate me.

"Cat," I groaned, about to go off on a rant opposing her teasing behavior when suddenly the door to the room flew open again. It was no surprise that I received yet another awkward once-over for standing all by myself in the middle of the bathroom, but thankfully this time I had a reason to return the same uncomfortable. After getting over his initial reaction to my presence he surged forward again in an abrupt rush, making it clear why when I spotted the woman he was tugging toward the nearest stall behind him.

An uneasy shiver wracked my frame and I lunged out the door so quickly it hadn't even finished swinging shut behind the two of them yet. My beginning argument with Cat immediately forgotten in my rush to reach safety, I found myself at a momentary standstill outside of the bathroom doors afterward. That is, until Cat caught up to me, snickering under her breath about my drastic reaction to the couple.

"Where to now, then? The other washroom on the opposite side of the building?" She asked, wiggling her eyebrows. I scoffed at the suggestion, despite knowing she'd only done so to earn a reaction out of me in the first place. I was about to pick up where I'd left off earlier in our conversation, now that she'd given me such a grand reminder of why exactly I'd been about to snap at her, but I found myself blindsided by a different thought entirely when I was trying to articulate what to say.

This thought was prompted by the man walking past just a smidgen shorter than I, his black hair a long mop atop his head. Of course I realized it wasn't Phil after doing a double-take, instantly noticing all of the little differences you could see just from behind, like the loose curls in his hair settled at the base of his neck and the baggy jeans sagging halfway down his legs. Either way, it'd completely zapped my train of thought from my mind for a moment there, and even now I couldn't bring myself to wish for it back.

I'd just been reminded of something much more important I could be putting my energy into, and now there would be no convincing me to settle for anything less.

"You mentioned spotting Phil earlier?" I asked, blurting the question with no lead-up whatsoever following the atmosphere we'd had previously. Cat seemed caught off guard for just a second before a knowing smug look flickered in her eyes and she nodded, giving an over-exaggerated play on a defeated sigh.

"I'll lead the way." She offered, fondness creeping into her tone despite how much effort she was clearly putting into trying to sound cross with me for the outburst. I had to admit she was a good friend for being understanding, I could definitely see how it could be considered a bit rude of me to randomly cut off our conversation on a sudden urge to see someone else.

But despite her best efforts, she only sounded overtly giddy that I'd been so forward about it. I didn't dare stop to wonder why exactly that was, seeing as I had a pretty good idea that her interpretation of things between Phil and I was never something I wanted to know the details of.

So instead I simply nodded in an attempt to move things along as quickly as possible, thankful when she took the hint and waved me along toward the crowd. I did my best to follow, swerving around the odd straggler that stood out from the general bulk of people as we grew closer, but my feet seemed to grow physically heavier with each step. It was like the soles of my shoes had been stuffed with boulders, near impossible to pick back up only to slam down all at once on the next step in a movement so sudden it made my knees judder.

It only proved more difficult the closer I got, until I was a couple feet away from the swaying sea of people Cat had just disappeared into and suddenly the crippling unease had manifested in physical form throughout far more than just the bottoms of my feet.

When Cat finally re-emerged from the the crowd wondering why I hadn't been trailing along behind her she seemed to pause instantly upon seeing the state I was in currently. It's not that I was trying to display it for the whole world to see, it was just incredibly difficult to keep my emotions in check when they were so determined to overrule my logical thoughts. I could feel the jittery shaking of my arms and hear the unhealthy pound of my blood racing in my ears, but aside from that I felt a little too wrapped up in my own mind to truly know what else was readable from an outsider's glance in my direction. I wondered briefly if they could tell when they looked in my direction, how utterly anxious and uncomfortable I felt, but I didn't have long to ponder on it before Cat had bounded forward to stand in front of me close enough to block my view of the rest of the room. "Dan?"

I cleared my throat, ducking my head downward in hopes no one else would look in my direction and see me seemingly talking to myself. At least if they did now it would look like I was just muttering something I was thinking about under my breath, rather than having a full-fledged conversation with the empty air around me.

"Do you think there's a way we could get to him without walking through there? Like a longer route that avoids all those people?" I asked meekly, nervously plucking at the hem of my shirt in a feeble attempt at smoothing out some of the wrinkles in the fabric. Well, realistically it was probably more an attempt to distract myself from the place my mind currently was, but it didn't sound quite as lame to pretend otherwise.

All she offered in response was a knowing look, silently calling me out on my best efforts to seem more under-control than I felt, and a brief nod. She started in a different direction then, away from the people I'd been so nervous about being thrust into the middle of yet again. My one-time experience on the dance floor would have to be enough for now. As Cat had said before coming here tonight, I should work toward social normality in small steps rather than trying to dive in the deep end and cross my fingers that I pick up on how to swim instantly.

So instead I followed along contently behind her on the less-inhabited path, skirting around the building's inhabitants alongside the walls. Of course this meant we ran into the occasional awkward making out couple that had been looking for somewhere away from prying eyes, or the odd group of giddy drunk friends that would mutter under their breath about the random lone guy walking around seemingly confused given how I had to constantly watch Cat to follow her lead. However it was still less overwhelming than the abundance of people that had been the opposing option, so I swallowed my pride and did my best to ignore the attention my passing presence gained.

I was in the process of doing just this, my eyes flickering nervously back and forth between the floor ahead of me and the particularly intimidating man glaring at me for intruding on his alone time with his partner, when Cat spoke up suddenly and made me jump over how close her voice was to my ear.

I spun around, leaving my back turned to the man from earlier and addressing her properly as she spoke up. Up until then I hadn't even noticed she'd stopped walking, taking an awkward couple steps back to her side from where I'd walked too far ahead.

"I don't understand, he was right here." It was now after I'd put all the effort into properly paying attention to what she was saying that I realized it wasn't even directed toward me, that she was more-so just muttering things under her breath in confusion trying to make sense out of them and it'd only seemed like it was something I was meant to hear because I'd walked so close to her after she'd come to a stop. I rolled my eyes at myself, absentmindedly stuffing my hands into my pockets and trying my best to look nonchalant.

We'd paused on the edge of the dance floor, but on the opposite corner than we'd tried to enter from before. This corner was better-lit and somehow even more occupied even off the actual floor, the crowd hardly any denser where we stood a few feet away. I didn't really understand what caused the difference at first, rocking back and forth on my heels anxiously and letting my eyes flit around the room in hopes of finding something fascinating enough to invest my attention in for a moment, until Cat decided on our next course of action.

Immediately upon looking around I noticed a huge difference between here and the opposing side of the dance floor, a few small black tables were scattered around that were hardly noticeable between all of the people. Beyond that, after following the line of people with my eyes trying to figure out where they were all headed, I took notice of the large bar for the first time. All of the stools were filled here, on top of the line of people waiting to be served in line. I guess Chris was shoved into that back corner with little traffic for a reason, because this bartender looked far more experienced and suave from the occasional glimpse I got of his tall frame. "I don't understand. He was sitting at this table here and he looked pretty comfortable, I don't know where he could have gone. I don't even see the girl he was with..."

I shrugged my shoulders, more or less ignoring Cat's confused mumbling as I cautiously stepped closer toward the bar, ending up practically strewn in with the rest of the line-up despite my earlier determination to stay away from the crowds. Right now though I was far too determined to watch the impressive tricks the bartender was pulling off to notice just how close to the rest of the people I was getting, standing on my tippy-toes to see over the bulk of them.

Cat was still rattling on to herself somewhere behind me, loud enough that I could hear over both the music and the chatter of surrounding people, but it's not like it really mattered that she keep her voice down.

After getting a pretty good glimpse of what the bartender was capable of and losing the initial rush of excitement to know, it then hit me that there was a man standing so close to my side I could vaguely feel his breath ghosting over my neck. I practically jumped away from the line of people then, clearing my throat and shaking my head to brush off the answering shiver that wracked my frame.

Afterward I looked up in an effort to spot Cat and make my way back to her side, but where she'd been standing moments before was now one of the few spots nearby that was actually vacant.

I furrowed my brows together in confusion, turning around in a hurry hoping to spot her. My eyes were immediately met with the comforting sight of familiar face, but rather than huffing out a sigh of relief instead my breath caught somewhere deep in my throat.

It was definitely someone I recognized alright, but rather than the warmth of calm brown irises that I'd been expecting I was instead met with bright lively blue eyes, creased at the corners due to a smile so wide it seemed to envelop the entirety of his face.

It felt like my heart had been racing the entire evening, yet now it seemed to be drawing a blank entirely, skipping its cue to beat at a healthy rapid pace like the organ should. Then again, perhaps that wasn't the case and it was solely in my head that everything seemed to be moving a bit slower, which would probably make a lot more sense as to why everything seemed a bit hazy around the edges if it wasn't in my direct line of view. And, considering there was only one person in my direct line of view, I was willing to bet that he was the one to blame.

Yes, the only thing that didn't seem comically set back a speed or two was Phil himself. From the choppy hand gestures he made as he spoke, to how quickly he threw his head back and burst into his signature chorus of upbeat laughter, and even from this far away it seemed painfully prominent when a dark blush flushed throughout his cheeks following something the woman he was talking to had said.

I tried to offer a glimpse in her direction to get an idea for what his newfound companion looked like, but I'd hardly started to look away from him when he lifted his drink to his lips and I found my attention captured all over again before I'd even found it in me to actively sought after its freedom.

I watched intently as he tipped the bottle back and took a hearty swig of its contents, his Adam's apple bobbing noticeably as he swallowed it down. I found myself gulping in time with him, but rather than using it to aid the consumption of alcohol I was just desperately trying to remind my uncooperative lungs to breathe at a normal rate.

I hadn't really put all that much thought into what exactly I was going to do upon locating him, but I was fairly certain my plan hadn't been to come all this way just to watch him dumbstruck from a distance. I mean, to be honest I hadn't really put all that much thought into the trip from the beginning, mostly just acting on a whim and deciding to continue trudging along thoughtlessly on the desire I felt to see him alone, rather than any actual reason. Now though my mind had finally caught up to my rapidly travelling feet, making it clear that I had virtually no time left to make a decision save for now.

It was just quite difficult to do so and think through my options, think about anything at all really, when Phil was only a few paces away. Despite the miniscule logical part of my brain insisting that it was the last thing I should do, every other part of me was adamant that after making this far of a journey it was stupid of me to delay the conclusion for even a second longer. I came all this way to be with him, not to stand alone and continue wishing I was with him. After all, I could have done that from the comfort of my own home, it was a fairly useless effort to come all this way and then not advance the final paces past the finish line.

With this 'logic' in mind, I found myself taking a clumsy step forward to close a little bit more of the space between us, my stomach giving in answer what could only be described as flips. It wasn't really queasy so much as just nervous, yet for once it was a comfortable form of nervous I felt capable of breaching.

I took another step, only to come to an abrupt halt when the two of them suddenly got to their feet and caught me off guard. Now that she'd turned to stand directly in my line of view of Phil and successfully blocked him out, I was left with no better option than to actually register the person that'd intruded upon my moment.

Considering I only had a side profile to go by I decided right from the start that whatever opinions I came up with couldn't be taken too seriously, though something told me that was only an excuse to brush off how uneasy her attractive appearance immediately made me feel. It was an odd feeling, one that I wasn't really all that familiar with. I'd never been upset by another person's level of attractiveness before, nor had I been bothered by their lack thereof.

And it's not that she was exceptionally intimidating or anything, so the reason I was irked couldn't have been that she made me feel nervous about approaching Phil whilst she was around. She seemed nice even, vaguely familiar. Her hair was cut fairly short, her glasses pressed high up on the bridge of her nose, and the alert brown eyes behind the lenses looked completely invested in whatever nonsense Phil was rattling on about as he finished standing.

I forced my eyes away from her before I had too much time to dwell on the onslaught of foreign emotions, my gaze instead settling on Phil where he'd just now stepped back into my sights. Though, apparently, if my goal was to avoid foreign emotions that was the absolute worst place I could have let myself look.

He practically loomed above the girl now that he'd gotten to his feet, chin practically tucked against his chest he had to look down at such an angle to see her given the minimal distance between the two of them. On anyone else that'd probably look incredibly unflattering, possibly even form a few extra chins if you were one of the unlucky people blessed with excessive neck fat like myself, but somehow on him it only made his jawline look impossibly more defined.

That's not even touching on the subject of his hair, that had fallen forward into his eyes three times since he'd tilted his head at such an angle. Had I not been staring so closely I probably wouldn't have even noticed it he was so quick to brush it to the side, but I definitely would have noticed the third time when he seemingly grew frustrated with the repetitive turn of events and instead raked his fingers messily through it until a vaguely lopsided quiff had formed.

And, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't appreciate the way he normally styles his hair, there was just something inexplicably more mature and intimidating to be found in this new look. The times I managed to find Phil Lester intimidating were far and few between, though there was really no arguing that it made me feel the same giddy sensation whenever I did.

On a day-to-day basis it was incredibly easy to forget about the age difference between the two of us, at times he even seemed like the younger of our duo. Right now though, right now there was simply no denying that he looked eons more put-together and mature than I did. Everything from the way he carried himself, to the carefree ease he spoke with as he addressed the bartender and paid for whatever they'd ordered. Hell, even his stupid button-up shirt he'd been so adamant about wearing tonight practically radiated maturity, despite the fact it was literally covered completely in the childish print of tiny hearts.

I was still in the process of outright gaping at the guy a long moment later, trying to make sense of why his appearance suddenly made me feel so off, why his appearance mattered to me at all really. Of course, somewhere along the way it seemed to have slipped my mind that he was an actual animated being, and that he wasn't some statue stood dormant to be observed by fucking weirdos like myself. So, yes, it did come as a bit of a surprise when he suddenly turned mid-laugh and brilliantly bright eyes met with mine for just a fraction of a second before flickering away.

Of course, when the realization hit him of who he'd spotted in the club he was quick to look back, but by the time he'd done so I'd already lurched sideways and emerged myself back into the line of people waiting to be served. I didn't miss the angry muttered curses or the shove I received for 'butting in line', yet thankfully no one outright said anything to me. Especially because Phil was walking toward where I'd previously stood with his friend in tow and the last thing I needed was a stranger giving my makeshift 'hiding spot' away.

And it's not that I wasn't aware of how utterly childish it was of me to give him the runaround, especially when my sole reason for leaving the house tonight was to find him and interact with him, it just all felt a little more foreboding now. I couldn't really put my finger on why exactly, why I was watching him wander around curiously with bated breath and my heart racing in my chest, why all of the sudden it felt like so much was at stake solely by being near him.

I'd always been at risk of making an idiot out of myself around him, of blurting something I'd regret later on, but now it felt crucial that I didn't act without thinking it through first.

Still, that made it no more easier on me when his grip on the girl's arm went slack and he stopped tugging her around in search for me, his expression falling in time with his hand. Confusion riddled his features, his eyebrows scrunching together as he glanced around a final time, thankfully not spotting me where I stood mostly hidden behind a wall of people. He turned back to the girl then with what I quickly recognized as his signature apologetic smile, only making me feel further guilty for my thoughtless actions.

I'd upset him, even if it was only a little bit it was still unsettling when I had literally no valid reason to act the way I had.

Thankfully the girl seemed quick to forgive and forget, nodding in understanding before starting back into whatever conversation they must have been in the middle of before I'd unintentionally interrupted them. At first he seemed equally as relieved as I that there hadn't been any awkwardness stilled between them courtesy of the 'imaginary' person he'd spotted across the way to pursue, but from an outside perspective it was all too noticeable when he started to fidget distractedly as she spoke.

I tried to ignore the way my lips quirked up into a lopsided self-satisfied smirk when he looked down in the middle of whatever she was saying to address his phone instead, and I nearly managed to as well, that is until he pocketed it a moment later only for my own to buzz where it was tucked neatly in my pants pocket. And sure, there really was no convincing argument that it was me he'd texted, but who else had my number and actively made an effort to communicate? The prospect of him ignoring the woman he was with to talk to me shouldn't have excited me the way it did, but at that point I was beyond convincing.

As nice of a person as she seemed to be, the theory of Phil paying attention to me instead was impossibly nicer.

So ignoring how insensitive it was of me to feel the way that I did, I wasted no time backing out of the line on the opposite side from Phil and his companion. I double-checked to make sure I couldn't see him or vice versa from my new post, making sure I wasn't at risk of being spotted, before I hurriedly dug out the phone mid-buzz.

Sure enough, it was definitely the one name I'd been hoping to see illuminating the screen. So, despite my better judgment and how stubbornly the grin refused to budge from my lips the longer I thought about it, I found myself opening the text without any major hesitation.

From: Phil. Sent: 11:47pm

"Thinking of you! Maybe if you're still up when I get back we can watch a movie or something, xx."

There it was again, that flighty sensation swooping through the pit of my stomach and expanding until even my limbs felt unsturdy. I curled in on myself slightly, sinking my teeth into my bottom lip in a useless effort to contain my answering smile.

It wasn't even that it was something I'd never experienced before, it was just an incredibly different take on the emotions I'd grown accustomed to over the years. The feeling was comparable to the shock of stumbling across a ghost in public and going frigid with anxiety, yet the nervous energy wasn't accompanied with tenseness in the slightest. Yes, it made me feel weak in the knees, but not in the sense of too much pressure on stiff joints, instead I felt at risk of simply melting into a puddle on the floor. It all made me feel indescribably soft and... mushy.

Naturally, I hated it.

Or, at least, I really wanted to hate it. The sad truth of the matter was I couldn't get enough of it, I found myself positively saturating in the warm feeling. Prior to meeting Phil my feelings had always been an open-and-shut case, they were straightforward and easy to differentiate between. There was no mixed emotions, second-guessing, pensive pondering toward the invasion of newly established outlets.

At first this had all stressed me out, it still did to some degree, but I was starting to realize that the lines had been fuzzy all along and it'd be better to just embrace the feeling than to stand back until I'd completely identified what it all meant. Hell, I'd probably figure it out quicker if I wasn't denying it every step of the way.

Besides, aside from the aforementioned stress toward now knowing the exact nature of my newfound emotions, it was relatively soothing to proper acknowledge the fact that I wasn't a robot for once. So what if I care about someone? That doesn't have to be such a bad thing, if it was reasonable to grow attached to anyone it would be Phil. It's not like he's going to up and leave me, it's not like he's not someone worthy of putting faith in, he's not about to intentionally hurt me. The guy feels bad killing flies around the apartment, he has the biggest heart of anybody I've ever met, I can't think of a single person that'd be more fitting to put my trust in.

For once I'd convinced myself to lock away the anxious concerns invading my thoughts, addressing them for what they really were; pesky insecurities. I'm not at any risk with Phil, I should just allow myself to feel what I feel and not think about it, like a normal person would. He's a good friend, great friend even, potentially even best friend- it's only natural for me to appreciate that.

That must be all I'm feeling; appreciation for a newly-formed close bond that I've been missing in my life for a long time, perhaps even admiration toward such an inspirational guy, but there's nothing abnormal about that. Everyone feels that way toward their close friends, even I know that and I've only really had one close friend.

Though, to be honest, I'm pretty sure most people don't have to put this much effort into convincing themselves as much. There's a small irritating part of me that's pretty insistent with the argument that anything you have to repetitively tell yourself is 'normal' is really quite far from it.

I shook those thoughts away before I could have too much time to think on it, mentally repeating my newfound mantra that I didn't have to understand everything in order to experience it. I also somehow managed to dismiss the judgmental scoff I received from a nearby stranger who'd bore witness to my little episode and all of its quirks. It was too late to worry about it now, to ponder over what exactly I'd done to embarrass myself whilst wrapped up so securely in my own thoughts. I could only imagine the manner of smiles and scowls that had slipped past my radar without me even noticing.

With hopes of holding on to whatever remainder of an ego I had left, I simply shuffled past the man and ignored the badly stifled laughter between him and his friends that followed. It was surprisingly easy to do so too, now that I'd set my mind to something else, something so much more interesting. I had to locate Cat, because surely she'd talk some sense into me and debunk my 'reasoning' for evading Phil thus far.

And I swear that was the original plan, to figure out where she'd taken off to all of the sudden, but there weren't words to describe how frustratingly easy it was to get distracted when my eyes landed on where Phil and his new friend had ended up in my absence.

What had led Phil to think the dance floor was the place for him to be was beyond me, even more-so I couldn't believe that he'd thought for even a second that what he was was doing currently could even classify as 'dancing'. This was the sort of awkward distracted sway he did around the kitchen as he waited for the water to come to a boil for his morning coffee, not the sort of thing you did along to rave music in a club full of people.

Yet for some reason unbeknownst to myself, the girl he was with seemed absolutely enamoured with the way he was making an idiot out of the pair of them. She was grinning up at him and halfheartedly trying to dance in a similar style, though clearly not going all-out in fear of drawing attention from the rest of the crowd. I couldn't even blame her honestly, I couldn't see myself copying the walking embarrassment Phil was right now even if he paid me to join in.

I scoffed as he pulled a particularly overdone hairflip, trying not to outwardly cringe as I lifted a hand to cover my eyes and avert my attention from the trainwreck taking place before me. The only problem with this plan being when halfway to its destination my hand faltered, coming to a stop midway as hesitant fingertips ghosted lightly over lips stretched thin.

I furrowed my brows together in confusion for a split second before the realization of what was really going on caught up with me, a defeated sigh huffing past my lips.

I'm mirroring that idiot girl's stupid expression, aren't I?

Again, as much as I wanted to be enraged by this discovery, I couldn't even bring myself to wipe the expression away. I wasn't even irked in the slightest, not really, if anything I found myself amused. Also the slightest bit curious as to when exactly I'd started to find horrible dancing so captivating, but I promptly decided that that was something best not considered right now.

Instead I watched on in silence, distractedly stumbling forward with my eyes still focused on him until I thankfully ran into an empty chair and sat myself down in it. It was risky being this out in the open where he could see with any glance in my direction, I realized this, but I found myself simply too focused on watching the scene before me unfold to move on quite yet.

I watched carefully as the girl moved forward to drape her arms loosely around his neck, deciding I was better off pretending not to notice when my upper lip naturally curled into an unimpressed sneer toward the advancement. Somehow despite how close this move had made the two of them, the dance still looked so far from romantic it was comical. I couldn't understand how he managed to still look so oblivious to the way she was looking at him, if it was intentional or he really didn't realize what he was overlooking, but either way it was enough to warrant a stifled giggle on my part. Leave it to Phil, someone could literally confess their feelings to him and he'd find a way to misinterpret it.

He already seemed to be growing tired due to so much physical exertion, a light sheen of sweat covered his forehead visible from here, especially when he moved to wipe it away with the back of his hand. And somehow the girl found even that endearing, tipping her head back into a wild fit of laughter that seemed to shake her entire small frame. Of course this is just the impression I got from the split second I spent watching, because she was hardly enough to hold my attention for any longer when the opposing option came in the form of familiar lanky limbs and dark hair.

Unlike me, he seemed pretty content to watch the girl break down into her amused fit of cackles, the beginnings of a lopsided smile splayed across his lips. I watched attentively as his hand drifted up to the collar of his shirt almost absentmindedly, tugging on it gently. I supposed it was because of the near sweltering temperature in the club, paired with how further-heated he felt after all of that 'dancing', but apparently that alone wasn't enough for him as nimble fingers shifted to instead undo the top button of his shirt entirely.

He tugged the entire garment back into line with where it should be then, glancing upward and flashing a smile to the girl who'd just now started to calm down. It was a wide toothy smirk of sorts, one that was rare to receive from him unless he was in an exceptionally light-hearted playful mood- or drinking alcohol, it seemed.

A breathy sort of laugh left my lips in reaction, though it wasn't a sound stemmed from any sort of amusement. No, it was more an awkward cover-up to mask how overwhelmed I suddenly felt. The air felt heavy in my lungs and suddenly I felt I couldn't be more thankful for the rugged piece of furniture beneath me that assured me I wouldn't have to hold myself up through the course of whatever it was I was going through.

I furrowed my eyebrows together as I drew a shaky breath, letting my eyes span him from his stupid messy quiff to his visibly mismatched socks sticking out over his shoes, trying to make sense of what my mind was obviously thinking. I couldn't, not really, it only further confused me the longer I stared how all of the sudden everything he did seemed so frustratingly... appealing.

I guess he'd always appealed to me in some light, or we wouldn't have grown close in the first place, but this felt like my usual normal level of appreciation toward the guy's good points had been multiplied by hundreds. Something just wasn't adding up.

Perhaps appealing wasn't the word I was looking for exactly, that was a broad term that could be applied to anything from nice furniture to aesthetically pleasing photos online. It was definitely arguable that what I was feeling toward him currently wasn't quite the same as the respect I harbored toward artsy photos of food on familiar blogs. It wasn't just an awareness that I liked the way he looked, that I liked him as a person even, it felt like there should be something more accompanied with the acknowledgement. I wanted to do something about it.

I groaned quietly, sitting back in my chair and throwing an arm absentmindedly across my face.

"No wonder he was so determined to wear that damn shirt." I muttered bitterly, deciding that if I couldn't logically sort out the way I was feeling I'd just throw all the blame on whatever change to our norm could potentially be guilty for it. Yes, it was definitely that stupid sateen shirt's fault for making my cheeks flush and palms sweaty from across a room.

I mean, obviously, what else could it possibly be? It's not like I'm crushing on the guy or anything. Surely I would have realized this before now if I was.

It was just Cat getting to my head probably, making me second-think these sorts of things. Minimal interest in anyone for years or not, surely my standards haven't sank so low that I would be genuinely interested in pursuing a relationship with the likes of Phil Lester.

I'm not looking to shack up permanently with the same Phil who embarrasses himself and anyone he's with constantly in public with his childish attitude. Not in a rush to swap bodily fluids with Phil who eats all of my cereal and then leaves every bloody cupboard door in the kitchen swung wide open afterward. And I definitely do not want to think about any potential romantic future I may have with someone so blatantly and undeniably... not interested in men.

The dude is literally the 'currently-hitting-on-a-girl-a-few-feet-away' level of hetero. I'll pass on that, no manner of attractiveness is worth involving myself in another episode like that. Even if I were to ignore all of his other questionable qualities, the fact that he'd never possibly like me back is a dealbreaker enough in itself. It's a useless effort, which thankfully I will not be making because I don't even like him in the first place.

But like, metaphorically, if I did, I would simply stop because there's absolutely no potential for it to go anywhere. None. Zero. Nada. Not happening.

Not that I want it to happen- because I don't, obviously.

Right, good talk, Dan. You really sorted that one out, bang-up job you've done spending the last three minutes thinking about all the reasons why you shouldn't pursue a potential romantic involvement with your closest friend, because that's totally what people with normal healthy platonic relationships spend their time doing.

I shook my head dismissively, lifting my arm hesitantly and scooting backward out of my slouching position. Of course immediately after doing so my eyes fell on the new addition to my table, my eyes going comically wide as I jumped upright.

"Jesus!" I hissed, the toe of my shoe connecting with the supports of the table and sending crippling pain through my leg. I grit my teeth together, glaring at Cat all the while as I bent forward to try and massage my poor toes through the shoe I wore. She didn't even react, still wearing the same knowing look she'd had on when our eyes first connected a moment ago.

What was that expression about anyway, she looked giddy with the knowledge that she knew something I didn't, like she was on the verge of gloating and waiting for the perfect time to start. I quirked an eyebrow at her, still keeping up the ministrations of my fingers kneading the top of my shoe in hopes of speeding up the recovery time of my toes.

She still didn't offer any explanation, only raising both eyebrows in response. I huffed, cracking my fingers distractedly as I sat back up and addressed her properly. What had gotten into her since I'd seen her last? Surely she hadn't gone to find Chris or something, she'd made it relatively clear that she'd been hoping to find Phil not him. So what else could she have stumbled across in that timeframe that would give her that- Oh.

I gulped, eyeing her warily as the hair on the back of my neck stood up. The realization was sinking through me quickly now, my heart racing slightly as I thought about it. How I hadn't recognized it before now was stupid of me, but now there was no denying the self-satisfied grin she wore. She had obtained some new blackmail material, most definitely to use on me. "How long have you been sitting there?"

"Long enough." She whispered, giving an ominous smirk. I forced out an annoyed scoff, though there really was no hiding how uneasy I suddenly felt after reaching the realization of what her intentions were.

"Wow, great, that's really specific. That helps alot, thanks." I muttered, trying in vain to clasp onto any remainder of my usual sarcastic personality I could find. I found myself quickly regretting that though, watching something dark spark in her eyes.

She leaned forward in her seat, keeping eye contact with me as her expression slowly shifted into what was an overdone impression of what I assumed to be me. Her eyes went wide and doe-like, her jaw unhinging slightly as a breathy gasp escaped past her lips.

"'F-Fuck, no wonder he was so determined to wear that shirt.'" The statement was borderline a moan and had she not been imitating me it probably would have made me severely uncomfortable, as it was I could only feel incredibly sheepish as I realized what exactly all of this was about. Yes, it definitely seemed she had been here 'long enough'.

Long enough to overhear me making a right idiot out of myself, I could only imagine what that sounded like from an outside perspective. Hell, it sounds bad from an inside perspective, what made me say something like that? And aloud, too! It's confirmed, I'm definitely losing my mind, for all I know I could have actually moaned it in the same manner that she had.

My cheeks were aflame as I looked downward, deciding I had to avoid meeting her gaze at all costs unless I wanted to face further humiliation. I tried my best to look intimidating as I did so, annoyed even, but even as I went through the motions of what I usually did to remain composed I knew it was all failing miserably. What is with Phil and the way he strives to be the exception to literally every sense of normality in my life?

"Aw, come on, don't be bitter. Usually you try to warp all of your compliments into insults, you can't blame me for cherishing the occasional straightforward positivity you show." Cat caved finally, her voice speaking up from across the table, a slight trace of guilt detectable in her words. I sighed heavily, looking up at her through my lashes with a skeptical stare.

"By teasing me about it?"

"How else would I celebrate?" She chuckled, scooting closer to instead sit in the seat beside me, despite my grumbled protests. Once she'd settled she turned to face me, now at a much closer proximity so it was much more difficult for me to try and cover up the scarlet red my cheeks were surely still adorned with.

"I don't know, literally any way other than this." I offered meekly, my hands shaking slightly with nerves where they rested in my lap.

She tilted her head to the side just slightly, a speculative curious kind of expression enveloping her features as if introduced to an entirely new situation that left her unsure how to continue. She looked on the brink of speaking up, saying something substantial that she'd spent the past few seconds thinking on, but rather than that she turned to look back out toward the dance floor in the last moment.

"It does look good on him though, huh?" The question caught me off guard, after spending so long steeling myself for some serious statement on my emotions from her perspective. I started to shrug my shoulders in answer before thinking better of it and following her gaze, looking out toward the dance floor where Phil was now giving his best effort at shaking his hips in tune to the music. I had to wonder if the poor guy was completely tone deaf as I watched him struggle, this time not bothering to ward away my answering warm grin when I noticed its presence.

"I'm not even going to dignify that with a response." I scoffed, not missing the way that my smile seemed somehow audibly noticeable through the way I spoke. It didn't make sense, it's not like you could hear an expression, but it seemed with every one it became undeniably more obvious how hard I was grinning.

"You just did." She sneered, sticking her tongue out at me. Momentarily I felt a rush of thankfulness toward her for not calling me out on my current predicament, but the thought had barely had the chance to settle in my mind before she chuckled and shattered any hopes of getting away so easily. Her self-satisfied simper only grew upon seeing my inward cringe, to the point that she had the audacity to wink as she spoke up again. "Not that you had to anyway, your heart-eyes alone made your stance on the matter quite clear."

She hadn't even called me out on the crazy-person grin, and yet somehow this was so much worse. I couldn't physically detect when I would get whatever look she spoke about in my eyes, hence I had no way of controlling it. Who's to say I don't stare at him like that all the time? Would I even be aware of it if I did?

I ran a hand through my hair hurriedly in frustration, finding vague comfort in the way it resulted in slight painful tugs against the roots and provided a momentary distraction from the one-way track my thoughts had hopped onto once again.

I don't have feelings for Phil. Case closed, book shut, end of story, no need to keep telling myself this every time I turn around.

"I thought you said he wasn't enjoying his conversation enough to mind an interruption." I spoke up on a sudden whim, deciding that that may be the only way for me to move past the disreputable path my thoughts had been taking all evening. Besides, it's not like I wasn't curious about it, in all the time I'd been observing the two of them Phil had looked pretty invested in their interaction. Except, well, except when he'd taken the time to text me.

I'm not sure exactly what response I'd been expecting to warrant from Cat, but the condescending way she clicked her tongue was far from it. Despite not knowing the context behind the gesture I found myself glaring over at her, the tone alone enough to irk me. She just rolled her eyes though, leaning closer to me as she finally proper answered my implied question.

"That's because there aren't circumstances in this world where he would mind an interruption from you." She beamed, plastering on a wide smile in the seconds following her reply. I scoffed, looking down at the tabletop and giving a weak shrug of the shoulders.

"I'm not so sure about that." I mumbled meekly, annoyed at myself for growing flustered over the likes of that cheap one-liner. She hadn't even put any effort into embarrassing me that time and yet my cheeks felt like they were harboring a fire beneath the surface.

So yet again I found myself struggling to come up with a change of topic that could move us smoothly in a different direction without being too obvious about it, deciding that I'd spent more than enough time looking like a tomato for one night. I hurriedly looked back up when I'd finally come up with something, a harmless discussion on the fantastic stylings of the DJ tonight, but instantly regretted doing so when I saw the smirk plastered on her face.

I hurriedly thought back to what I'd last said, trying to figure out if there was something in it to make her pull such a face. All I said was that there were definitely circumstances Phil would mind me interrupting him what- Oh. Oh God.

Of course she'd taken the liberty to take my words so literally, she'd probably been sat beside me thinking about said circumstances this entire time. "Ew, Cat, don't even think about saying it."

"I don't have to, you already know what I was implying." She giggled maniacally, making me wish for a moment that I could simply push her away from me at this point. So much for my efforts to banish the blush from my face, if anything now it had been intensified by hundreds. Sure, I'd been having difficulty dealing with the odd misplaced romantic thought toward Phil, but up until now I'd at least been able to take comfort in the fact I didn't have sexual thoughts about him. See? This is exactly what I mean about Cat influencing my opinions, if it weren't for her the thought wouldn't have even crossed my mind.

Hell, up until now I hadn't even thought about the potential risks of having a long-term roommate. No one else had stuck around this long, I'd never had any reason to think about it. Now though I couldn't help but wonder what manner of things Phil had done in the apartment while I wasn't home- or worse, while I was in the other room. What if I happened to walk in on something like that?!

Damn it, Cat, these kind of thoughts are quite literally the polar opposite from an improvement.

"So what are you waiting for anyway?" I practically choked on my own tongue her question shook me from my thoughts so quickly, forcing myself to bounce back instantly like she'd somehow know where my mind was at if I hesitated for even a second.

I looked up, raising an eyebrow. She sighed in exasperation, gesturing wildly to where Phil and his friend were started to disappear into the crowd. "Aren't you gonna go over there?"

"Should I?"

"Why wouldn't you?" She laughed, giving me a weird look. Upon realizing I wasn't kidding she took on a more serious stare, looking at me skeptically like she genuinely couldn't believe the uncertainty in my tone. "Dan, be real here, I'm sure he cares more about you than some girl he's just met."

"She looks familiar though, I think I've seen her around before. What if she's like an old friend of his or something?" I mumbled distractedly, the majority of my attention on the pair of them across the room as they wove back and forth between other groups of dancing people. It wasn't even a slow song really, yet they'd somehow grown impossibly closer in the time it took to have this conversation with Cat.

The girl had practically plastered herself to his front, arms wrapped around his neck again and his hands fitted clumsily on her hips. Even from here it was obvious when he'd step on her feet every so often, or when he'd move too fast and knock her off them completely only to cling to him for support.

It was borderline pathetic if I was being truthful, an absolutely tragic attempt at pretending to know what he was doing. And yet, I didn't find myself laughing anymore, I couldn't find even the smallest trace of amusement within me. If anything I felt almost bitter all of the sudden, my gaze unsteady as I looked on, almost as if I was itching to look away.

And I supposed it could have been that I felt bad for him, that I was simply having difficulty watching him set himself up for disaster time and time again the way he usually did, but it didn't really feel like that was all there was to it. I was used to pitying the guy, to cringing on his part when he'd do something particularly unacceptable in public, but this wasn't quite the same.

"Well, either way. Did you come all the way here to spy on Phil with his 'old friend' or are you going to go talk to him?" I looked over at Cat as she started to speak, though no matter how hard I tried to properly pay attention to what she was saying my mind kept drifting back to Phil and what he was doing right then. Some stupid part of me seemed to think I'd miss something substantial if I wasn't watching close enough.

Thankfully she seemed to mistake it for just nervous hesitation, clearing her throat before trying again in a much softer understanding tone. It made me feel vaguely guilty knowing she felt bad for me, assuming I was dealing with anxiety toward going into the crowd again probably, when really this was just yet another scenario when I found myself receded into my mind overthinking things. I wasn't about to tell her this was the case though, I knew better than that. I love her, but heaven knows she'd only try to give me her two cents on what she thinks is really going on with my emotions, and I'm not sure I could stand to hear it right now. "What do you want to do, Dan?"

"Talk to him." I answered without missing a beat, thankful that there was at least one thing in my life that I could be certain about right now. Everything else seemed a little too unfamiliar, a little too complex to jump to conclusions, but there really was no arguing that I wanted to see Phil. If there was one person that could take my mind off of it all and convince me to get out of my head for a while, it'd be him.

"Then go get 'em, Tiger!" She screeched over-dramatically, pumping her fist into the air comically. I gave a halfhearted chuckle, nodding in agreement as I rose to my feet. I started to think twice then, glancing toward the dance floor and wondering briefly it the amount of people could have doubled in the past half an hour since I'd arrived. I shook my head, taking a few moments to stall by lifting my hands and absentmindedly fixing my hair.

Cat was not impressed, glaring at me all the while until finally I started to feel too sheepish under her gaze. I lifted my hands in front of my chest in a defensive position, offering the first genuinely amused grin I'd had to offer throughout our conversation. She didn't seem to share the upbeat attitude, continuing to glare until I found myself ducking my head and stifling a laugh.

"Fine, fine, I'm going." I managed, gesturing wildly to the floor spanning ahead of me before advancing across it. My first few steps were considerably quicker than those that followed, my pace slowing incredibly the closer I grew to the bulk of the crowd. It didn't help that I'd lost sight of Phil upon stepping down off the higher platform where the bar stood, now I didn't have a steady goal to work toward. Was I just supposed to wander aimlessly despite how uncomfortable the amount of people made me and hope I found him?

I shook my head, mentally reminding myself that I was simply overreacting and he couldn't have gone far in such a short timeframe. It wouldn't take long to locate him, surely I could manage a few moments in the crowd. Besides, it's not like I was completely alone. Cat, being the overbearing nosy friend she was, had taken to trailing along behind me. I wasn't quite sure if she was trying to be sneaky about it or what, but she was definitely taking extra care to remain a ways behind me. Perhaps she figured I'd snap at her for invading on my moment, but really I was only thankful for her presence.

Especially so when I'd only just submerged myself into the crowd and suddenly everyone around me took to banshee-like screaming. I jumped so high off the ground I nearly lost my footing when I landed again, likely resembling a frightened alley cat with none of the added grace. I spun around hurriedly with wide startled eyes, breathing a rushed sigh of relief when immediately they spotted Cat.

"What's going on!?" I asked, panicked, not even bothering to be wary for who might overhear me talking to thin air. It's not like they were paying any attention anyway, it was like an energy drink had just kicked in for every member of the crowd. All of them had been instantly hyped out of nowhere.

"Dan, come on, I know you never leave the house during the holidays but surely you know what happens at New Year's parties. You have access to television." She chuckled, pointing upward toward the screen behind the dj. Where there had been poorly-executed party graphics displayed since I'd arrived there was now a neon digital clock, the numbers bright and clear to read. It took me a minute to register what exactly the craze behind 11:59pm was, but once the initial shock had started to wear off and my mind caught up to me I was left feeling like a total idiot for not realizing sooner.

"O-Oh. The countdown is about to start, huh?" She nodded in confirmation before disregarding me, instead moving to peer above the heads of the people immediately surrounding us. I realized she was probably scanning for Phil so I took the time as a moment to myself, looking around and making sense of why the dance floor population had multiplied recently. This was the big event of the party, everyone would want to take part in this.

Everyone except me of course, I couldn't possibly care less about the passing of the man-made concept of time. The only substantial thing this holiday did was act as an excuse for people who couldn't justify their own decisions enough to stick to them throughout the rest of the year. It was stupid, if you asked me.

"Phil's right over there." I whipped my head around to look over my shoulder toward where Cat was pointing, a small smile invading my mouth hurriedly before I had a chance to set up guards against it. I instead embraced it, not bothering to hide how excited I was to go and get what I'd come here for in the first place.

I still felt a little off about it, intruding on him when he was with that random girl, but I told myself that Cat was right and it was definitely just too much caution on my part. Who knows, maybe the girl is one of his close friends that he's been wanting to introduce me to at 'Game Night' for so long and we'll hit it off. Wouldn't that be a great way to ring in the metaphorical new year? Making my second-ever living friend?

I gave a miniscule nod to steel myself, to tie myself stubbornly to that positive train of thought, before I cast Cat a final thumbs up and started on my way again. I'd only just shoved through my first pair of people when another screech resounded throughout the room, a mixture of over-excited young women and drunken shouts from some of the older inhabitants of the building, all in response to the number 'ten' ringing out through the room from every speaker.

I tried to ignore it as the next couple numbers were called out, but it grew increasingly difficult as the crowd started to shout along with the automated voice. I'd much preferred the music that'd been playing previously that they'd cut off for this program, but I'm quite certain no one would take me seriously if I filed a complaint. So instead I grumbled quietly under my breath as I swerved through the crowd, Cat close on my heels somewhere behind me and likely listening to my complaints being relief enough.

I believe the number they were calling out by the time I'd finally spotted the back of Phil's head was 'seven', but again I was still doing my best not to pay attention to the racket surrounding me so I could have been mistaken. No, I was far more willing to put all of my concentration into how well Phil's shoulders filled out his shirt, how the way his jeans clung to his hips made me wonder how long he'd spent trying to fit into them before leaving, but mostly how I could just barely hear the sound of his familiar voice over the rage of the party, filled with a newfound childish giddiness as the night drew toward its peak.

A smile planted itself on my lips without asking for permission in the slightest, a proper wide toothy grin to match the thrilled tone he spoke with. Now I had no idea why I'd hesitated approaching him in the first place, the relief I felt being this close to him alone was overwhelming. Had it not been a public setting, and had I not had a very extensive image to uphold, I probably would have lurched forward and closed the distance between us right then and there to engulf him in a hug from behind.

I think what broke me out of my trance was the abrupt shock of someone's shoulder crashing against mine as they walked past, earning me a cold seething glare over their shoulder like it was somehow my fault. I hadn't even been moving, just standing dormant in the middle of the crowd, but I guess I had zoned out fairly badly.

Manually forced back to attention by the stranger, I could no longer miss how loud the shouting around me had gotten. Everyone was practically throwing themselves around in a dance-like motion, clinging to and shoving one another like animals as the excitement built.

"Three!" Everyone surrounding me cheered, making it clear how much time I'd missed. For how fast the seconds were really passing, everything seemed a bit slower than usual to me. Perhaps it was just because I was wrapped up in my own world though, so I shook off the concern and took another step toward Phil. I lifted my hand to reach out toward him as I did so, near enough to tap on his shoulder if I closed any more of the distance, when instead someone's hand settled on mine from behind.

"Two!" I spun around, eyes going wide as someone I didn't recognize started leaning toward me. Ew, did this person just assume I wanted a 'New Year's kiss' because I was alone in the crowd? How desperate do they think I am?!

"One!"

"Get off me!" I hissed, shoving them away just as the ear-popping noise of confetti and fireworks going off exploded throughout the room, paired with the shrill shrieks of the crowd. I jumped again at that, taking a stumbling step backward and colliding with someone.

I gulped, spinning around with intentions to apologize so I could hurry up and get out of this shitshow, but rather than the intimidating face filled with piercings and facial hair I'd been expecting to see I was met instead with the familiar pattern of Phil's stupid shirt. I sighed in relief, moving around to address him from the front instead.

"H-" Whatever greeting had been on the tip of my tongue must have shriveled up and died the second I'd actually registered what I was looking at, a pathetic squeak of sorts leaving my lips instead.

Kissing.

They were kissing.

Her hands were gripping the collar of his shirt and his were pulling her closer by the waist and they were kissing.

I blinked a couple times, like I could somehow manage to misinterpret even this. When nothing changed afterward I took an uncertain step backward, cocking my head to the side and squinting my eyes like that would somehow change the picture I was looking at. It didn't though, if anything they seemed to cling to each other more in the seconds following the end of the countdown.

She was tugging on the fabric of his shirt now- likely to pull him down further and make up for the staggering height difference between them. Not to mention his hands had slipped dangerously lower on her back, into questionable territory. There eyes were lightly shut, cheeks brightly flushed, their mouths open just the slightest bit, and hell, this just didn't look like a first kiss was supposed to.

Where was the clumsy fumbling? The embarrassing clashing of teeth? Even some awkward smiling against each other's lips? There was nothing, it looked like a pre-rehearsed scene out of a movie. Maybe that'd be believable between some people, but this was Phil we were talking about. This is the same guy who struggles to get out of bed in the mornings without falling over, yet I'm expected to believe that he can do this with absolutely no trouble?

Honestly, part of me didn't believe it. It's not that I wasn't aware of what I was seeing, it just didn't make any sense. I found myself backtracking and searching my mind desperately for any kind of excuse as to how I could manage to misconstrue something as straightforward as this, any way I could have jumped to conclusions here. Perhaps there was more to the appletini Chris had served me than I'd assumed, that guy was definitely strange so there's no telling what exactly he could have slipped into it. Maybe this is an illusion after-effect from whatever he'd given me, or maybe they're two different people completely and my eyesight is just so influenced by intoxication that I can't tell.

Naturally, none of the scenarios I came up with made any more sense than the one I was actually witnessing, so I found myself set right back to the start in the same state of confusion, but now their kiss was starting to draw to a close and I still had nothing better to go by. And I hated it, oh, I hated it with a passion. I needed something more than what was right in front of me, I needed an explanation that made sense.

I mean sure, I guess there is the possibility that maybe it is exactly what it looks like. Maybe they are just kissing and there's no backstory behind it aside from the fact that they want to, and maybe Phil is just uncharacteristically good at it to make up for how badly he fails at everything else in his life, but that just didn't feel like enough.

It wasn't enough to justify how incredibly sick to my stomach it made me to watch. Nor was it enough to make sense of how I suddenly felt compelled to stumble backward into the crowd forever when moments ago I'd hated being in the middle of the same mass of people. And it definitely wasn't enough to explain in the slightest how spiteful I felt when she drew back first and offered a bubbly cloud-nine giggle before she'd even opened her eyes, clearly beyond sated.

It wasn't enough because normal people aren't supposed to feel like that when they see their friends happy with someone else. It's not supposed to make them wish for the ground itself to open up and swallow them whole. No, a normal person would be happy if they stood in my shoes right now, they'd be overjoyed to know that the friend who consistently brightens their days has found another person who might be capable of doing just that for them.

I guess it might be okay to be a little jealous that your friend is moving on without you, that they've found someone before you. It's probably even acceptable to feel worried that this new person in their life might even replace you. All of that is passable, but the way I feel right now just isn't. It doesn't fit under the category of 'things friends should do'.

Friends shouldn't want to shove their friend's love interests out of the picture before they've even really had the chance to paint themselves in.

And friends sure as hell aren't supposed to want to take their place the second they're gone.

Don't get me wrong, normally I'm beyond capable of manipulating the truth into something I want to hear, but even I can't pretend to be oblivious to what this means. I'd have to be some otherworldly type of ignorant to act like I don't know what being jealous of the person kissing your best friend means.

I've never really actively wanted to be with him, and I've never caught myself wishing we were more than we were either. I was happy with what we had, happy that we were both the biggest part of each other's lives, that we always had each other to rely on. Except now it's been made blatantly clear that 'best friend' isn't necessarily the most important role one can play in another's life, but rather than settling for second-best like a normal person would I find myself aspiring to be more to him, more than anything that nameless girl could be.

That's not platonic behavior, that's crossing dangerously close into romantic behavior. I mean, it's not that I want to kiss him really, I just don't want that girl to be kissing him. That's not such a bad thing, right? Maybe something about her is just unsettling to me and it has absolutely nothing to do with Phil. It's a possibility.

Besides, why would I even want to kiss Phil? Sure, he's good-looking and plays a big role in my life, but that doesn't automatically make up for all the qualities that I listed as to why we wouldn't be good together literally less than an hour ago. And maybe he does make my chest feel funny sometimes and I find myself constantly blushing around him, but that's hardly a good thing, if anything that's annoying and another reason I don't want to be with him. Not to mention-

"Dan? Are you alright?" I blinked, tearing my eyes away from the couple I'd been staring at the entire time I was thinking without realizing it. It seemed at some point they'd gone back in for another kiss, like that was a perfectly normal thing to do in the middle of the dance floor where hundreds of people were trying to move in time to the music, but I wasn't about to correct their obvious mistake. They would have to learn the hard way when they got knocked over for being too obsessed with eating each other's faces.

So instead I turned away to address Cat, lifting an intrigued eyebrow at her.

"Why wouldn't I be?" I scoffed, dismissing her question with ease. I may feel a little unsettled, but it was definitely nothing worthy of concern. She didn't seem so convinced, pulling her usual skeptical stare she'd wear whenever I told a blatant lie. The only difference was this time I was really telling the truth, I was definitely 'alright'.

Rather than struggling to defend myself on the matter in the middle of the loud swarm of people though, I decided I could let her have her doubts for now. I had more important matters to attend to, after all, the reason I'd come over here in the first place was to see Phil. I wasn't going to let this mess get in the way of that.

I looked back over toward the two of them with intentions of interrupting, being the conceited little shit I was, but again my words ceased to exist the second my eyes fell on the two of them. They were in the process of finishing their second kiss now, both wearing small smiles as they started to giggle quietly against each other's lips. I was right earlier when I said that'd make it look like more of a real kiss, there was definitely now arguing now that they were mutually interested in each other, that it was definitely Phil's bubbly laughter I was just barely hearing over the beat of the music.

But even more-so, there was no pretending that wasn't his wide starry-eyed elated grin when he pulled back to look at her again for the first time since they'd started this trainwreck at midnight. I knew that look, I'd been on the receiving end of it a few times. It was far from a frequent occurrence though, and I often found myself wishing it was easier to pull the expression out of him. That was the same look that made my own knees feel like jelly when he offered it to me, the same one that made it impossible to remove the grin my face for hours following. Hell, if I'd known all it took was a little tongue action then I would have- I probably would have kissed him a long time ago.

"He's walking away, shouldn't you call out to him or something?" Again it was Cat's speculations that brought me back to attention, actually making me focus on the scene I was staring at. Unlike where they'd stood before a few feet away exchanging matching disgusting lovesick expressions, there was now only the view of their retreating backsides as they walked in the opposite direction.

I debated it, going after them with intentions of interacting like I hadn't just reached such a profound realization on my own emotions, like it wasn't going to affect the way I looked at Phil for the rest of the night in the slightest. I wanted to even, to pretend this was something I could push to the back of my mind while I was around Phil, but I wasn't an idiot. It was bothering me just seeing the way they were walking with fingers loosely interlocked, even though it was at least mostly to ensure they didn't lose each other in the crowd. This just wasn't one of those things I could ignore for my own benefit.

"N-No," I stuttered decidedly, looking over at her and offering the weakest of smiles. I doubted it would seem believable in the slightest, but I could only hope she'd take the fact I'd at least tried to seem content as a sign not to press the issue. "I just want to go home."

"What about Chris?" I shrugged my shoulders, interacting with her no longer my first priority now that I'd started to wade through the crowd, gently pushing my way toward the back exit. It took more concentration than you'd think, trying not to run into any of the burly guys or intimidating pretty women.

I was in the process of shimmying between two of the aforementioned predators when Cat decided to speak up again, her tone filled with uncertainty. "But we might never see him again after-"

"Cat, please, some other time." I hissed out, only realizing after I'd said it just how close I was to the two strangers in the crowd. They both looked over at me in unison, both wearing matching confused expressions.

"Who is he talking to?" The girl laughed, clearly talking about me and not at. Her eyes were locked with those of the man's on my other side, who looked like the type of person you'd expect to give kids like me swirlies in middle school.

"Right, sorry." Cat apologized meekly, clearly realizing now the trouble she'd gotten me into. Oddly enough though, I didn't find myself too concerned by the situation. Yes, I still felt vaguely anxious as to how it could turn out, but the initial embarrassment that I'd normally experience was only a fraction of what I'd expect it to be. I just couldn't find it within myself to care, not like I usually did at least. What was the point of fretting over people's opinions of me if I'd never see them again? I'm not sure what it was exactly, it just seemed that all of the sudden there were issues far more important than what a nameless face had to say about me.

"Kid must be really drunk." The dude laughed, dismissing the conversation as he turned back to whoever he was actually at the party with. I breathed a miniscule sigh of relief simply for not having to deal with them any longer, giving the girl an awkward nod goodbye before hurriedly surging forward through the crowd. I was much quicker now, a little bit less cautious about who I ran into along the way, but seeing as that was the way everyone else seemed to move around I didn't turn any heads.

Upon exiting the crowd I locked eyes with someone across the way and for a fleeting moment they looked like they were considering approaching me, but something in the way I was staring seemed to change their mind as they paled and turned away immediately following. I huffed under my breath, turning and making a bee-line for the nearest red-illuminated exit sign.

The second I pushed through the doors and they clicked shut behind me, muting the sound of the music and people behind me, I felt a little bit more level-headed. I took a deep breath, running a hand through my hair as I wandered further down the overly-white hallway. Thankfully there were only two different options for directions to take, one that led to back bathrooms and one that clearly read 'exit'. Deciding that I'd much prefer wait for a cab to arrive in the chilly waiting area by the exit doors than the secluded bathroom where who knows what could be going on, I opted for taking a turn to the right.

I took the liberty of digging my phone out on my way there, deciding I couldn't be bothered to use the extra time it'd take to pause before grabbing it out. Hence I was only half paying attention to what I was doing as I unlocked the screen, my eyes mostly glued to the path ahead of me so I didn't end up crashing into anything. So when I'd reached the area beside the doors and moved to looked down expecting to see the number pad asking for a number to be entered for me to call, I was a tad bit shocked to find I'd unknowingly opened up a new text instead. I must have just gotten it now, because I couldn't recall my phone going off whilst I wasn't paying attention to it.

Now though, now I definitely wished I could have received a 'heads up' before opening the message because the name stapled onto the sender section of the screen was the exact name I'd been trying in vain to banish from my mind for the rest of the night.

From: Phil. Sent: 12:07am

"Hey, you didn't reply earlier, are you still up? If you are I'm gonna come home now so we can spend some time together, but if you're asleep I might stay out a bit later. Let me know (if you're awake, ha!)"

I stared at the text for a long moment after already reading through it, not even really reading it over again, just processing. Why did he have to be so damn nice, all the time? Doesn't he have any idea how hard it is to be selfish toward someone so utterly selfless? I feel guilty just for having these emotions, let alone acting on them. He's such a good person, he deserves a good friend that cheers him on, one that prioritizes his happiness above their own. No one deserves a friend like me.

I hadn't even really put much thought into how long I'd stood staring at the screen, but looking back on it it was definitely more than enough time to allow Cat to read through it over my shoulder and get a feel for what kind of place my thoughts were in at that moment.

"It was probably just a heat of the moment thing, Dan, it was only a kiss." I wasn't sure why exactly this was what she came up with to comfort me with, but I had to resist the urge to tell her what a horrible attempt it was. It wasn't comforting in the slightest to be called out on how bothered by the stupid spit-swapping I was, not when I was in the process of mentally belittling myself for just that. I wasn't on the hunt for reassurance that my emotions were valid, not when I knew it'd be a lie. They weren't, not really, good people just aren't supposed to feel like I do right now.

Given that I didn't dare to speak up on how badly she'd misinterpreted the place I was in right now, she didn't seem to realize that her best bet following would be to stay silent. She seemed to take my lack of response as will to try harder, that her efforts at making me feel better hadn't been enough and she needed to elaborate impossibly further on the subject that I wanted nothing more than to drop permanently. "I wouldn't put so much concern into it, personally. Everyone around them was kissing and I doubted even half the people in there actually meant something by-"

"Fuck off, okay?" I cut her off without thinking, no longer able to take the downward self-deprecating spiral my thoughts were taking the longer she tried to validate the selfish way I was feeling. Naturally, she seemed quite taken aback by my rude outburst, staring at me wide-eyed because she genuinely didn't understand how her best attempts at comforting me could receive such a cold response.

See, this is what I mean about me being a self-centered person. I couldn't just appreciate the fact that she was trying to make me feel better, I had to nitpick the specifics.

I sighed, dropping the hand holding my phone back to my side to look up and direct all of my attention toward her. I didn't bother trying to steel my expression first either, instead just letting how utterly drained I felt display itself prominently across my features, hoping that would be enough to make her understand where I was at right now. "Not now, please, I just really don't want to think about it."

"O-Okay." She exclaimed quietly, staring up at me with an undeniably intimidated gaze. It was strange to see, how startled she was by me acting so short with her now when before Phil had been a part of my life this was all I'd ever been to her. Once again I found myself jotting down a mental note to give more appreciation to her, considering she'd been one of the few constants in my life even before Phil had brightened me up the way he had. It couldn't have been easy to spend time with me back then, she deserved a medal or something and yet this is what she got.

I shook my head ruefully, lifting my phone again and hurriedly calling a taxi service before she could distract me from the task at hand all over again. Or, more likely, I would find a way to distract myself in my own thoughts.

Thankfully, by some miracle turn of events, I managed to get connected despite the busy phone lines on such a crazy night of the year for the business. The man sounded incredibly stressed as he reported to me that there would be cab arriving for me in about fifteen minutes and that I should be ready to go as soon as it gets there. I tried not to keep him on the phone long, knowing that he could probably use every second he could get right now, instead choosing to thank him and hang up as quickly as possible.

"Will they be here soon?"

"Fifteen minutes literally couldn't pass fast enough." I sighed loudly, leaning back against the wall. I lifted my phone slowly again with intentions of using it to pass the time faster, but I hadn't even managed to get past the lock screen before an unexpectedly manly voice rang out from further down the hallway.

"You okay back there?" I looked over with indifference at first, not believing that whoever it was could be directing the question toward me. Of course as soon as I laid eyes on the guy it was clear his attention was all directed toward me, vague concern riddling his features. What does he mean 'am I okay?' do I really look that confuddled just in the way I hold myself?

"Dan, he thinks you were talking to yourself." Cat offered tamely, still talking with caution like she'd been put in the timeout corner earlier and was being careful about what she did in fear of further punishment.

My eyes went wide with realization and I gulped, running a hand through my hair and looking back over at him with a shaky grin. He did look vaguely intimidating, definitely a couple years older than myself closer to Phil's age, but he was the first person tonight that had shown a genuine interest in how I was feeling, so I gave him the benefit of a doubt and replied nicely.

"I've definitely had better times, but I'll make it. Thanks though." I called down the hall, hoping this would be enough for him to feel like the hero for the rest of the evening without aiming for anything more. I wasn't about to tell this guy my life story, if that was what he was after.

"Who hasn't these days, am I right?" He laughed, my plastered-on smile fading ever so slightly when he started advancing down the hall toward where I stood. I straightened up to my full height rather than sloping back against the wall, clearing my throat and giving a brief nod of greeting as he came to a stop in front of me.

Oddly enough, he didn't say anything more though. He just stood there and stared for a long silent uneasy moment, making me take a subconscious step backward until I was pressed to the wall all over again.

"Can I, uh, help you?" I tried, unsure of what to say exactly in a situation such as this one. He seemed to realize how uncomfortable he was making me then, offering a quiet chuckle and pushing his hair back. He paused after he'd finished though, eyeing me again for a moment before asking another question in a surprisingly harmless voice.

"Looking for a ride?" What didn't match his innocent tone was the way his eyes flickered up and down the length of my body during the suggestion. I wasn't sure which I should rely on more, his questionable gazes or the helpful tone he spoke in, but either way I knew I wasn't about to take up his offer. I wanted to get this across clearly though, so I tried my best to speak with a more cocky tone in hopes of willing him away after the rejection.

"Not of that sort, thank-you."

"Aw, come on, don't be so uptight." He sighed immediately afterward, staring at me with an unimpressed gaze. If anything it almost seemed like he was trying to be bashful about it, staring up at me through his lashes. It was odd how intimidated I could feel by someone a good foot shorter than me, but at the same time it wasn't surprising in the slightest. I've been self-conscious about far less in the past.

"I'm not. I'm allowed my right to reject an offer that I'm not interested in, so lay off." I sneered coldly, debating whether it'd be taking it a step too far to shove him away as I finished. Cat had come to stand behind him now, on high-alert like she could somehow help me out if things went south between this guy and I.

He didn't seem all that happy with the offensive tone I'd developed, glaring at me as he shifted a step closer and crowded me further against the wall. The initial caring way he'd stared at me had definitely vanished now, making me wonder why I'd thought for even a second before that there was a person in this club that actually cared about my well-being beyond Phil himself.

"You should watch your tongue in places like this, some people might not be as forgiving as I when you talk to them like that." His voice had lowered into practically a growl now, and not in the sense you'd normally expect from an angry person but rather borderline actual-dog growl. Either way, it was quite unsettling, but nowhere near as much so as the smell wafting off of him. I tried to ignore it, to hold my composure and stare him down right back, but in the end I couldn't help but to crack. I turned my head to the side against the wall, stifling a cough before it turned into a full-on choke and I could no longer hold the noises back.

Being the off guy he was, he just watched on in silence as I gagged on his odor. It wasn't until I finished that he raised his eyebrows, asking for some sort of elaboration on the fact I'd nearly died solely from his smell alone. I wasn't about to give him the sugarcoated version of that story, I was going to tell him exactly how gross he was and hope he felt bad about it. Perhaps provoking the beast was a bad idea, but Cat had stayed silent rather than the way she'd usually give me guidance during times like this, so I just assumed that meant I could act whichever way I saw fit now.

"You reek of alcohol and cigarette smoke." I snapped, landing a kick to his shin with a surprising amount of force considering I was the one pinned against the wall right now. However, he didn't react in the slightest, which definitely struck me as weird. He must be a gym-rat or something, in order to be so strong you don't feel a kick to the shin you have to be something.

Either way, he was not phased in the slightest, propping an arm by my shoulder on the wall and leaning closer. His eyes still only lined up with my nose, so I found myself looking down at him and tucking my chin in against my neck.

"Well, what can I say?" He chuckled lowly, the hand that had previously been pressed flat against the wall falling to gently muss up my hair. His eyes had fallen to stare at the limited space between us at some point, but as he spoke up again they flickered back to mine in a way so unnaturally quick it seemed almost snake-like. "We all have our demons."

At first I had no idea how to react, outright gaping at him in a stupid daze because- had he always had red irises? They weren't like something out of a horror movie or anything, but they were a few shades too many past mahogany to be considered normal.

Eventually my mind did catch up with the situation beyond his questionable eye-color, however, and immediately afterward I found myself panicking. Up until now I'd still had the same frame of mind that nothing really mattered in comparison to the mixed-up feelings I was dealing with right now, but making it home alive was a considerably important feat I should be striving toward. And, judging by the way crazy-eyes here has yet to make a move to back off, there's no telling what he has in mind.

"Hey, listen, I didn't mean to-" I started to stutter through a rushed choppy apology, his face remaining stoic and indifferent on the matter even as desperation started to seep into the words as I continued. Thankfully, I didn't get the chance to make it all the way through whatever I'd been intending to say on the matter, because there's no telling how embarrassing it would have gotten toward the end as more hysteria set in.

No, instead I was interrupted by the shrill screech akin to a battle-cry that came from our right, followed by what had to have been a gallon or more of water splashed over the pair of us.

"Hyah!" Came the follow-up shout, like the sound effects would somehow make the 'attack' stronger against us. I pulled a skeptical face of annoyance, on the verge of yelling at the idiot that I would have preferred been attacked by a sketchy guy than be attacked whilst soaked in a mystery liquid that I could only hope was water.

However, I didn't get a chance to respond in the slightest before the original weirdo who'd pinned me to the wall lurched backward with an estranged yelp of sorts.

"What the hell!?" Crazy-eyes screeched, tearing at his shirt where it'd been soaked. I smirked, wondering if perhaps it was an expensive material he wasn't supposed to get wet. It was more chance than anything, but I guess whoever had come to my rescue was better than nothing after all.

Speaking of which, Crazy had now taken to bearing his teeth at whoever had thrown the water, like some kind of literal crazy person. I fought the urge to show my amusement over it, instead following his gaze in silence and furrowing my eyebrows together in confusion when I actually recognized the person who'd come to help me out.

"I have more where that came from, so piss off!" Chris shouted, ominously shaking a second opened water bottle in the direction of the assailant, droplets spilling over the side as he did so. For whatever reason the first crazy person to ruin my exit took this threat very seriously, straightening out his psycho expression into a more subtle glare before turning away. Chris and I watched his retreating back in silence, up until the second he'd turned the corner and the questions bouncing around in my skull got too overbearing to keep locked up any longer.

"What just-" I should have seen it coming when he cut me off yet another time, not even managing to get half of my question out before he shushed me and landed a halfhearted backhanded slap to my shoulder.

"Stay away from possessed people, that's literally rule number one! If you still haven't mastered that much I don't know what to tell you." He scolded harshly, glaring up at me with his lips drawn into a tight reprimanding line. Again I found myself wondering how I managed to get wrapped up with so many crazy people, if perhaps Phil's horrible social luck had rubbed off on me. 

Surely he didn't actually just refer to that creepy fellow from earlier as 'possessed', right? I must be hearing things.

A/n: Look, November was a busy month for me, but the space between this update and the last I literally have 0 excuse for I don't know what I'm doing aaaaaaaaaaaa. I'm thinking, and this is probably a bad time to suggest this considering how long it took me to finish this chapter, but I'm thinking I might start an updating schedule. Just because I feel that maybe I'd be able to get into a vibe for things if I had a set time I updated every so often. So, (I was about to say don't hold me to this but actually 100% hold me to this, get mad as heckles if i don't do this because it's become very clear that giving me a loose leash only makes me roam further) expect updates on every day ending in zero.

 So, generally in most months, that'll be the 10th, 20th, and 30th. If that month doesn't have thirty days, however, you will only get two updates. That way I get a little break in case I want to work on oneshots or try to stockpile some updates ahead of time. Fair enough? This day is of course the exception, as it was supposed to be out on the 30th of December. So expect the next update in just a measly eight days!! (I know, sounds like a foreign concept to you poor readers, after what I've put you through lol)

So yes, hi, God I've missed you guys. Again this chapter was supposed to cover more but I rambled way too much. However, it's probably for the better because otherwise it would have been a LOT to handle for just one chapter because there were a couple exciting things in just this chunk as it was. Tell me your thoughts?? Like full-on criticism, I'm in a weird place right now and I think I genuinely want you to be a little stricter with me. If you liked the chapter, great, but what do you think would make it better? Less monologue? Or do we like the monologue? Was the ending too cheesy? Like, there's a fine line between cheesy and getting into the theme when writing supernatural stories and I really don't want to walk on the former side. But I mean, obviously it's gotta be a little cheesy, right? I don't know, I don't know, I'm in a weird place creatively and I'm very unsatisfied with everything I do. I'm in the process of fixing the plot and smoothing out the edges so maybe I'll be happier once that's finished and I have a set path to follow again.

Okay geesh I am talking way too much!!! i love u guys v v v much and thank-you for sticking around through whatever this hiatus was, here's to my new updating schedule that I am definitely going to follow *heavy dirty breathing*

edit// i forgot to add the art this chapter I'm a sham. This is a fanart made by my lovely pal @wavyfoxtrot on twitter and she actually did a couple different arts for last chapter if you'd like to look through her photos. She does a ton of phan drawings and she's amazing, I adore her. And I  LOVE her depiction of Chris in the story