Misfit (Phan AU)

Chapter Nine

*Phil's POV* (if you are really sensitive to like blood descriptions then this chapter is kinda bleg for you toward the end, you'll probably realize when its coming tho so ye ok just want u to be safe little crusty ones)

I didn't dare to look away from the screen as my hand fumbled out of the blankets, blind in it's journey. It did eventually find the popcorn bowl though, only after a few very frustrated seconds of flailing around uselessly over the blankets and couch cushions. I nearly tipped it over when the lighting on the screen changed suddenly to a brighter scene, thankfully managed to grab the rim just before it toppled off the edge onto the floor. I gave a loud breath of relief, tearing my gaze away from the screen and forcing myself to pay attention this time as I delicately moved the bowl back onto my lap. I'd moved it away in fear of spilling its contents in the first place, but I figured it was an equal risk anywhere I set it now. I got the strange sense of deja vu from my actions, knowing this was how I reacted every single time I tried to watch this show, yet I was determined to get through it.

Everyone I associated with had been ranting and raving about it for months now, to the point I had no choice but to look into the show. Much to my surprise, it wasn't just meaningless jump-scares and spooky scenes, it actually did prove to have a very interesting plot. I guess that's why I hadn't given up the second things got too scary for me to handle, instead struggling through each episode and ending up near traumatized when the credits finally rolled around.

I guess that's why I'd been so hopeful earlier when I'd asked Dan to join me watching it, thinking childishly that his presence might help my suffering. Of course I would have to mask how utterly terrified I truly was to impress him, but something about not being completely alone in the room while watching it seemed a lot more welcoming. In truth, I was only a few episodes into the first season, I'd be more than willing to re-watch them in order for Dan to catch up. I couldn't really do that if he didn't even want to though, sadly. 

So instead I'd sat up and watched further alone tonight, while Dan locked himself in his room for 'work related stuff'. Despite the fact I knew he was lying just so he wouldn't have to spend time with me, I tried my hardest to pretend I didn't, even wishing him luck with the business junk. My intention wasn't to make him feel guilty or anything, more to just let him know I realized he was lying and I wasn't bothered by that. I mean, I was, but I had no right to be after moving in with the understanding we weren't going to become friends. I never imagined he was this serious about not growing any closer with me, but either way, I had agreed to move in with him under his terms. I just really wished they'd be a little bit more lenient terms.

We'd been living together for over a week now, without an ounce of progress. There hadn't really been much interaction in order to make progress either, but it's not like it's my fault, he was the one that simply refused any and all of my advances. It's not that I wanted to give up, but I was running out of options and running low on patience here. It was just so frustrating, reaching out time and time again only to have your hand slapped away. I promised myself to be patient and determined, that I wouldn't give in until I got my way and I could at least consider him a friend, but I wasn't sure how much of this I could take. It just made me feel so worthless, to the point I was left up late at night wondering what I was doing wrong. He was the one in the wrong, not me, but the lines of that reality were becoming more and more blurred with each negative reaction I got from him when I was hoping for and expecting a positive one. It was draining me, he was draining me, and I just didn't know how much of me was left to drain.

But what options did that really leave me with? I could move out, but that'd mean living with my parents until I found a new place, considering I'd feel horrible looking for another roommate with my current one just in the other room. I could stay and just give up, but I really wasn't so sure if I could do that at all. I was a sociable person, the main reason I'd looked into a roommate was for the company and the feeling of not being completely alone, not so much for financial reasons. Walking around the apartment uneasy, tense, and unsure all of the time, forever, that hardly sounded appealing. Then that left what I'd been choosing for days now; to keep on pushing through and insisting to myself that I was simply overreacting, that I could do this if I put my mind to it and refused to give up. It had always worked in the past, I had every right to assume it would this time too. Except for the fact that possibly you can only win so many times before inevitably life presents you with a loss, but I'd already made up my mind again to keep on trying, so those negative thoughts were hardly welcome in my mind right now.