Chapter 20
Ronny was different than I remembered him. He was still a cocky, mean son of a bitch. That would never change, but there was something about his eyes that wasn't the same. Like the happiness and the adventure-lovin' had gone out of them.
Bitter. That's how he looked now. Kinda like how my old man always looked when he got home from work. There was something about the group too that was different. Where was the laughter and the teasing? Where was the chatting and the cussing? More importantly, where was Red?
I ignored the drink in my hand and glanced over at Ronny. "How come Red aint out here with us?" I questioned, and just like that his eyes got that mean glint in them and his mouth turned up in a sneer.
"Since when do you give a fuck about my brother?" he spat and I looked at the others sitting around me, and couldn't help but notice how they were looking everywhere but at Ronny and me.
"I aint never had a problem with Red, you know that." I replied and Ronny took a long gulp of his liquor and shook his head.
"If you really gave a shit you wouldn't a ditched us for your cop like you did."
"I told you I don't get down with cops and of course I care."
Ronny swished the alcohol around and around in his mouth, then leaned forward and spat it into the fire, but otherwise he didn't say anything else. It was Sharon who gave me the answer, and I felt a quick stab of pain in my chest when she told me.
"Red's gone Jason." She said all somber like. "He got beat up by some dirty cops last month, then they dragged him off in the back of their car." She sniffed and Martin draped a hand around her shoulder.
"We found his body a day later. They killed him." Ricky finished, and I looked at Ronny in shock. He just sat there, staring into the flames, with his bottle in one hand and his gun in the next, but he didn't say a thing.
"I'm sorry Ronny." I said quietly, and that's when he finally looked back at me; his eyes dry and empty and his nostrils flaring in anger.
"Drink up." He ordered, and I glanced down at the very tall bottle in my hand, before tipping it to my head.
He'd lost his brother. That's what was different about him and that's why he'd kill me the second he found out I was living with an FBI agent.
When I swallowed down the bitter liquid I winced, then shivered despite the fact that my body felt as hot as the fire we were sitting around.
As I thought about what the fact that I might not leave alive, the phone in my jacket pocket suddenly felt ten times heavier, and the urge to call up Michael and have him rescue me became about a hundred times stronger, but that only meant that the fear of getting caught doing it was about a thousand times worse and that's why I could only just sit there with the group of people who were never really my friends, the full bottle of booze they were forcing me to drink trapped in my hand, and a gun pointing right at me.
......................................
~Michael~
Straight to voicemail.
I couldn't remember how many times I'd called him, and still no answer. I shoved my phone into my pocket and parted the curtain yet again to look out into the night. He'd left hours ago and there was still no sign of him.
My gut was screaming that something was wrong, and my gut hadn't been wrong yet.
I turned to look at Timmy who was fast asleep on the couch, wrapped in his favorite blanket with Bunny by his side. He had two fingers stuck in his mouth and his wild midnight-black hair was as messy as Jason's tended to be when he woke up in the morning.
I ran a hand through my hair and cursed under my breath. I had a sick child and his missing father on my head, and I had to admit that it was a scary thing. There was no one I could call to find out where he was because I hadn't taken the time to even learn who his friends were. I hadn't cared to know, because I'd been so selfishly caught up with the fact that I had him to myself. I cursed again, then took a deep breath.
I had no idea where he was. I didn't know the places he liked to hang out, or even what he was out doing tonight. I didn't know if he was on his way back or in trouble and in need of my help.
I paced one end of the room to the next. I had two choices; I could either sit up all night and wait for him, or I could go out and search. I glanced at Timmy when he coughed in his sleep and I made my decision.
I crossed the room in two long strides and grabbed Timmy's bag from where it lay beside the chair. When I'd managed to unzip it, I walked around the room, stuffing all his favorite toys inside. I ran upstairs briefly and pulled out a few pieces of clothing and stuffed them in too. Then there was his toothbrush, his bath-time toys, some socks, shoes and the soap we used for his rashes.
Once downstairs, I deposited the full bag by the front door and grabbed his lunch bag from the kitchen, which I stuffed full with all his favorite snacks, some cold medicine and half a box of mac and cheese.
Minutes later, when I had everything packed in the back seat of my car , I called my dad and told him to expect us, then I reentered the house, pulled a cap over Timmy's head and lifted the sleeping toddler into my arms. I made sure the blanket was wrapped securely around him before I crossed the room, went out the front door and locked it behind us.
He didn't wake while I fastened him into his car seat, and he hardly shifted when I finally pulled out of the driveway. I worried about Jason on the entire ride over to my parent's house, and picked my brain on where he could possibly be. My mind constantly returned to the house I'd rescued them from and I hoped, but doubted that he was there.
If something was wrong with him... I shook my head to clear it and glanced at Timmy in the rearview mirror. I couldn't allow my mind to go there. Jason would be fine. I'd find him tonight, he'd have a good explanation for why he'd put me through all this worry and we'd forget about it by morning.
It was just too bad that I didn't believe it for a second. Something was wrong. I could feel it in my bones. Jason was in trouble and he needed me.
I didn't waste time explaining to my parents why I was leaving Timmy with them in the middle of the night and they didn't ask why. They seemed to just understand that whatever I was doing was important, and while my mother took him from me and my dad took the bags, a small flicker of understanding passed between us, and I knew that he at least understood that Jason was the reason.
"Call if you need me." He said simply, and a moment later I was back behind the wheel. It wasn't a long drive to the dilapidated house Jason had once lived with Timmy, but in my state of worry, it felt like hours before I finally pulled up into the overgrown yard.
It was funny how years of being trained to remain unfazed in any situation could be pointless when a loved one was involved. I had my gun in hand as I walked silently up the rickety, old steps and I was as quiet as I mouse as I pushed the door open and entered the place.
It didn't take long for my eyes to adjust to the darkness, but with only the moon shining through the dirty windows as my source of light, it was difficult to maneuver my way around the place.
I was ninety-five percent sure that apart from the mice I heard scurrying under the floorboards, there was no other sign of life in the house, and it was only then that I allowed myself to pull my cell phone from my pocket and flick on the flashlight app Jason had downloaded only weeks before. I blinked a few times when it came on and looked around. It was dirtier than I remembered. Every inch of the place was caked with what looked like years' worth of dust, but it was the same dust that told me that someone had been there recently.
There were foot prints tracking through it, roughly the size of Jason's shoes, but I still couldn't be sure it was his. I followed them around the corner and into the room I'd first seen Timmy all those months ago, and I noted the position of the mattress on the floor. It had been moved recently and there was a hole in the floor where it had once lay.
It was also where the tracks ended and another set of tracks—the same shoes by the looks of it—led right back where I'd come and out the front door. I was fairly certain Jason had been here tonight, but whatever he had been doing here, he was gone now.
I stood for a while on the very last step and looked out into the yard. The neighborhood was quiet. The only sounds breaking the silence being the barking of a dog every now and again.
"Where the hell are you Jason?" I whispered to myself, then I looked up at the sky and offered up a silent prayer that he was safe and fine and I'd just blown this all out of proportion.
I dialed his number again and listened to it ring and ring with no answer, then I stuffed it back into my pocket, secured my weapon at my waist and hopped into my car. I couldn't drive around all night with not a clue where to go. What I needed was help, and I knew just who to disturb.
..............................
~Jason~
My head felt light and my stomach felt uncomfortably full, but I wasn't drunk...not yet at least. I knew because I could still think...sort of. Ronny wanted me wasted, I just didn't know why, but what I did know was that I couldn't let it get that far. When I got drunk I didn't shut up, I knew it and they knew it, and I could just imagine all the shit I'd tell them if I was.
Ronny would find out the truth, I'd be dead in a second and I didn't want to think about what they'd try with Timmy and Michael. I looked at the half full bottle in my hand and for a second I felt like I'd throw up.
"I gotta get back to Timmy Ronny. He needs me." I said seriously, but he only looked at me with those cold, dead eyes that I was starting to hate.
"Red needed me too." He said. "But sometimes no matter how hard we try, we just can't be there for people who need us."
"Please." I begged him. "He's just a baby. He can't—"
"I don't give a fuck about Timmy!" shouted "Don't you get it?" he carried on and I flinched when he shoved the gun into my face. "No one gives a fuck about you and your stupid little kid. Not me, not any of us, and not your stupid cop!"
"I swear I don't—"
"I didn't even get to bury him." Ronny went on, looking more miserable than angry now, but the gun stayed in place. "I had to just leave him there for the birds and the bugs and there was nothing I could do. I just had to leave him there, and nobody but me cared that he died. Nobody but me!"
"You know we care Ronny." Sharon interrupted him. There were tears running down her face and her nose was running. "We loved Red. We all did." She was crying and finally, Ronny pulled away from me and sat back down on his piece of wood.
He didn't say anything. He just stared into the fire looking lost, and I dragged in a shaky breath. I could feel the tears prick the back of my eyes and I blinked a couple times to get rid of it.
I was scared. More scared than I'd been in a long time. I shouldn't have come out tonight. I should have stayed home with Timmy and Michael. My baby was sick and all I could think about was some stupid money I'd stashed. I squashed my knees together to block the view of the bag between my legs and wondered if Timmy was feeling better. I wondered if Michael was taking good care of him, but of course he was. Michael loved Timmy. He wouldn't let anything happen to him.
I felt the tears gather in my eyes again and this time I couldn't blink them away. They fell down my face, rolled down my chin and hit the grass at my feet. I was so scared. I didn't want to die out here in the cold, in front of people who I didn't even like.
I wanted to be with Timmy and Michael in our house, watching TV and eating mac and cheese in front of the fireplace. I wiped my nose with the back of my hand and hoped more than anything that he was okay, and that I'd get to see him again.
I should have told Michael how I felt. It was my own damn fault if I died and he didn't know it. I almost jumped when I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket for about the hundredth time tonight, and I looked around at the others to make sure nobody was hearing it.
If I could just make a call. If I could just slip my hand into my pocket and click a few buttons. I swallowed hard and looked at Ronny. I couldn't. It was too risky and I was just a damn coward. I couldn't.
"Drink up." He said when he looked at me again, and with my hands shaking like crazy, I turned the bottle to my head again. The liquid burned all the way down, and I closed my eyes tight against the pain.
..........................................
My phone hadn't vibrated in a while, so I figured that Michael was asleep or something, and for some reason it made me feel all alone. I wish I knew how long we'd been out here in the cold, or at least where we were.
We'd had to walk a long time to get here and I didn't know the neighborhood. I didn't even know whose house we were sitting outside of, but it was a nice looking place—not as nice as Michael's— and it looked like the owners kept it neat and clean too; the outside anyway since we never went inside. I figured the owners were out of town or something. That must be why we were sitting in their backyard, around their fire pit drinking alcohol way into the night.
"So tell us what you've been up to Jason." Ronny said much later, and when I looked up from the ground, I noticed everybody was looking at me; except Ricky, who was fast sleep.
"Nothing. I've just been doing the usual stuff."
"Like what?" he asked, sounding more friendly now, but the smile on his face looked fake and creepy.
I cleared my throat and pushed my hair out of my face. My whole body felt stiff from sitting so long. "Just been getting jobs all over like I usually do. Got me one that paid okay for a while that's why I had to leave, but all that's done with now so I gotta search for another one." I lied.
"So you got yourself a nice new job and made lots a money and couldn't even give us a link?" he questioned; the same smile on his face. "Don't you think we need jobs too? Don't know know that we gotta eat too?"
I nodded. "Of course but—"
"What's in the bag?" he interrupted, and I looked down at the knapsack resting in the dirt between my legs.
"Just some stuff for Timmy."
"Oh yeah?"
I swallowed hard, then nodded.
"Give it here, lemme see."
I gritted my teeth. I'd gone and risked everything to come out here and get the bag. Because of it I was out here in the fucking cold with a bunch a crazy motherfuckers who had a gun on me, so there was no way in hell I was going through all this shit just so I could hand it over to them.
"I don't think so."
His smile fell, but only a little bit. "You forgetting who's calling the shots here?"
I shrugged, "Aint easy to forget when you got that gun on me." I said, heart beating hard in my chest.
"Exactly, and I can just put a bullet through that thick skull a yours and take what I want anyway, so hand it over."
I clapped my knees closer. "Then you better do it now cause you aint getting this bag." I sounded way braver than I felt and when he cocked the gun at me, I could a sworn I almost shit my pants, but then he just laughed; all hollow like, and pointed to the bottle in my hand.
"Finish your drink Jason, we got plenty more where that came from." He said, so I did.
..................................................
~Michael~
I didn't stop to find out just why Eddie was at Simon's place or why they both looked like they'd hopped out of the same bed. Nothing mattered except finding Jason, and I told them as much when I was seated around Simon's dining table, watching him type a million miles a minute on his laptop.
"If his phone's on it'll be easier to track it, especially if he has the find my phone app." Simon explained, while Eddie stood behind him, staring down at the computer screen. His phone rang out whenever I'd called rather than going straight to voicemail, so I could only assume it was still on.
"If you have his password, this will be a whole lot quicker." Simon continued and I shook my head.
"I don't know what password he'd use." I said, "other than maybe Timmy I don't have a damn clue." I continued in frustration, running my hand through my hair for about the fiftieth time since I'd arrived there.
"Perfect, we're in." Simon announced a half a second later and I looked at him in surprise. Of course his password was Timmy. Jason lived and breathed the kid.
I offered up a silent prayer of thanks to whoever cared to listen and counted my lucky stars when Simon turned the laptop toward me and pointed out the location. "This is where his phone is right now. I'll just sign in on my phone so I can tell you if he moves."
I was across the room before I realized that Simon and Eddie were right behind me, pulling on their shirts as they went. "You're coming?"
"If this turns serious, you'll need backup." Eddie supplied, and I watched as he pulled his weapon from a drawer by the door and moments later Simon did the same.
They followed me across the yard, Eddie getting into the front seat of his car and Simon hopping into mine. He was focused on his phone screen, typing away at the buttons as though it was the most important thing in the world. Seconds later, I was pulling out of his driveway with Eddie bring up the rear.
Simon rattled off directions as we drove and I didn't waste time waiting at red lights. At this hour the roads were practically empty anyway, and I was across town in a matter of minutes.
We pulled up to a two story brownstone in a quiet neighborhood not too far from where Jason had once lived. The lawn was perfectly manicured, there were lights leading right up the porch and there was a welcome mat at the door. There were no lights on inside or any sign of life really, and I wondered what Jason would be doing here.
The second I raised my fist to knock on the front door, Simon gestured to me from where he stood a few feet away, peering through the slits in the wooden gate that I was sure led to the back of the house. Eddie and I joined him by the fence and I pulled out my service weapon when I saw what was happening.
They all looked to be in their early to mid-twenties. One guy looked to be asleep on the grass, but it was the guy brandishing the gun that I was more interested in. That and the fact that it was pointed right at Jason, who, to my surprise was laughing; a deep slightly unhinged sound that had the hair on my arms rising.
"An FBI agent aint a cop asshole." Jason was saying, just before he stood on unsteady legs and toppled over the log he'd been sitting on before. He pushed up from the ground laughing, and I realized he was shitfaced.
"We'll go in through the house." Eddie whispered, and when I glanced at them briefly it was to see that Simon was already at the front door, silently picking the lock.
"So what? You fucking with the law now Jason, is that it? You're on their side now after everything they've done to us. After what they did to Red?" the guy with the gun was shouting, his weapon raised and levelled at the still laughing Jason.
"Michael will fine you and then youse be shorry." He slurred.
"Ronny don't do this please." a girl was pleading as she latched on to Ronny's arm from behind. I watched as he shoved her off and she fell to the ground.
"That cop a yours is dead, you hear me?" Ronny continued. "I'm gonna find him and I'm gonna blow his fucking brains out and that kid you love so much? Timmy? He's next."
The minute Simon and Eddy stepped through the front door, I silently and carefully pulled open the gate.
I walked as close to the wall as possible, weapon in hand and gaze fixed firmly on the group before me, only taking my eyes off Ronny for a split second when Jason sat up, looked over at me with a very drunk grin and waved, "Hi Michael."
A scream rent the air and Ronny spun around, turning the gun in my direction.
"Drop it!" I shouted, but the look in his eyes told me he wasn't about to back down. Not until the back door of the house burst open and Eddie and Simon stepped out brandishing their weapons.
The girl screamed again and covered her head with her hands as she flattened herself on the ground and the others held their hands up into the air; shocked into silence.
Still, Ronny stood there with his weapon raised, and Jason chose that moment to lose the contents of his stomach in the grass before him.
"Don't do anything stupid Ronny." I said calmly. "I want you to slowly lower the gun to the ground and take one step back."
"I didn't do anything." He said; voice shaking.
"Then put down the gun and you can tell me all about it."
"We were just messin' with him. We didn't do nothing'"
"Drop it." Eddie, who had silently made his way behind him said, and upon feeling the cool metal against the back of his head, Ronny froze, raised his hands in surrender, while Simon walked over and pried the weapon out of his hands.
I kept my own gun on the group, watching for any sudden movements from any of them, but they sat, arms raised and eyes wide with fright as Ronny was shoved to his knees and cuffed.
It didn't take very long to search the group, and very soon they were all kneeing on the ground along the wall of the house with their hands beside their heads. In the time it had taken us to do this, the girl; Sharon, had confessed to their crimes. She told us about the convenience store they'd robbed only hours earlier of the contents of the cash register, of its liquor and the gun the cashier had kept behind the counter.
She told us about how they'd found Jason and lead him back here at gun point and how they'd come to know that the owners of the house they'd taken control of were out of town. They would have to be notified of course, and when the others came we'd cuff the rest of them, load them into a few cars and take them in for further questioning.
Meanwhile, Jason had been handcuffed to the fence for his own safety and had thrown up again at least twice more before I'd had the opportunity to see to him.
When I uncuffed him, he was shivering and I threw my own jacket around his shoulder and handed him a bottle of water I'd retrieved from my car, which he tipped to his mouth clumsily.
I sat beside him on the stone chair and watched him chug down the water, and when he finally handed it back to me, I asked him if he was okay. It took him a moment, but when he finally looked up at me, his eyes were slightly unfocused and he frowned.
"Michael, I don't feel so good." He said, then a moment later he slumped over on the chair. I caught him before he could fall off and ran a hand through his hair when I heard his soft snores.
............................................
Jason was a chatty drunk I soon learned. He could talk your ear off if you let him, and I did because I was so relived he was okay, that right now I was up for anything. I enveloped him in a tight hug the second we stepped through the front door and I don't know how long we stood like that before I finally let him go and led him up to the bedroom.
He was a giggling mess when I tried to help him out of his clothes and he slapped my hands away when I tried to help him out of his shoes. Instead, he crawled into the center of the bed, muddy shoes and all, and dropped spread-eagled on his back.
When I sat beside him and ran a hand over his clammy forehead, he turned his unfocused eyes on me.
"Wanna fuck?" he asked, looking innocent and vulnerable in his drunken state and though I smiled, I shook my head.
"I don't think so Jace."
For a moment he just lay there staring at me and I wondered if he could even form a thought in his current condition. I sighed.
"What were you thinking going out there Jason." I whispered, not really expecting an answer from him, but he turned his face to the ceiling and said very seriously; "I gotta take care a you an Timmy. A man gotta do what he gotta do."
I shook my head. "Jason—"
"Been wanting you for a long time Michael." He began and I watched him in surprise. "Ever since that time."
"What time?" I hedged.
"You used to go up there every Friday I remember. Every single Friday and I been loving you since that time you gave me all that money for no damn reason." He continued, and I listen in confusion. "Aint nobody give a shit 'bout people like me over there. You can beg all you want and aint nobody even look at you, but you just went and gave me all that money without me asking 'cause you're just a damn good guy Michael. A damn good guy."
I thought about it for a minute and my mind drew a blank. The only place I used to go every Friday was up at that plaza where I'd first arrested Jason that night, and I didn't remember ever seeing him there before that night, let alone handing him money. You gave homeless people money all the time without really looking at their faces. It was just a thing people did.
"You remember all that Jason?" I asked him and he nodded, then giggled, before he continued his tale.
"Been lovin' you a long time Michael. After that I used to go up there all the time just so I could see you. You were always so damn handsome and I couldn't help myself even if I tried. I just had to see you."
I shifted on the bed so I could see his face better. "Yeah?"
"I used to watch you all the time and you was always alone, I figured I'd talk to you one day. I knew you was a cop, but I just had to."
"So why didn't you?" I questioned softly and he laughed again.
"The stars are watching me Michael." He said and I looked up at the ceiling where I'd glued the glow-in-the-dark stars for Timmy so long ago.
"Yeah they're beautiful aren't they?" I asked him and he laughed again.
"I used to think you was a prince or something 'cause you were just so damn perfect and I just got tired of watching you. I just wanted to know your name Michael. I had to know your name." he said, as though pleading with me. "That's why I did it you know?"
"Did what Jace?"
He sighed, and blinked a few times before he continued. "That's why I picked your pocket that time. I had to get your wallet, cause that's where people put their ID's." he said. "If I got your ID then I'd know your name."
Comprehension dawned, and I watched him in awe. "But I caught you. I thought you were trying to steal from me, so I arrested you."
"Yeah and now I live here with you and Timmy and I aint never been so happy. I aint never loved nobody so much in my life except Timmy."
My breath caught in my throat and my heart sped in my chest. He couldn't really mean...
"Lovin' people hurts a lot don't it Michael?" he asked me then, and I could only nod and look at him, afraid that if I even uttered one word, the spell would be broken.
"I can't never tell you though. I can't tell you how I been feeling."
"Why not?" I whispered and he smiled.
"Cause then it'll hurt more when things don't work out, won't it?"
I swallowed against the lump in my throat.
"Who says things won't work out?"
"Things never work out for people like me and Timmy. We can love you but we can't never have you. It just aint meant for us."
"That's not true Jason. It'll work out because I love you too. I love both of you." I told him seriously, but he laughed and pressed his hand to his chest.
"It hurts right here Michael." He said. "It hurts right here every time you say that."
I felt a similar pain in my own chest when he said those words, and I reached out and took his other hand in mine.
He turned his head and looked at me then, his unfocused gaze meeting mine. "This will be our secret okay Michael?" he said. "You gotta keep it a secret 'cause I can't never tell you that I been lovin' you."
"Jace—"
"You gotta swear to me okay?" he continued and finally I nodded.
"Okay." I said. "It'll be our secret Jason. I promise I'll never know."
"That's good then." He said softly and a moment later his hand went slack in mine as he fell into a deep, fitful sleep.
AUTHOR'S NOTES
YES I KNOW I TOOK FOREVER TO UPLOAD, I JUST DON'T HAVE THE TIME LIKE I USED TO BUT I PROMISE I'M TRYING.
THANK YOU FOR READING.
KEEP SWEET AND ENJOY.
-Double.A
-unedited.