When I wake, I wake reborn.
I don't jolt awake wondering where I am, shaking from the remnants of fear, I don't have to take deep breaths and chant that I am safe, that I don't have to be scared.
Thoughts of Louis don't plague my mind, memories don't haunt me in my sleep, and the guilt that had burrowed itself deep inside my belly over my unborn child has gone into hibernation.
I don't do any of the calming rituals I was always forced to do, I simply turn away from the soft rosy hue of the sunrise and snuggle into Harry's arm, breathing in his woodsy scent.
For the first time in a long time I feel safe. I feel happy.
There is a special room in my heart where my pain lies. This room thrives on my darkness -growing and spreading onto the walls, infesting every inch.
And I let Harry in last night.
And opening that door let in some light, made those vicious vines of pain shrink away inch by inch. They are still there, still clinging, but Harry's light has stopped them from spreading.
Spilling the truth, opening up about my pain and scars... I feel lighter somehow. As if sharing that burden with someone else had taken a bit of the weight off of my shoulders.
The nerves I felt last night while relaying my story still run through my veins like a dull current. No longer fearful of the truth, but now fearful of what comes after.
Will he treat me differently?
Will the reveal of my troubled past - my tortured soul be too much for him to bear?
Will he finally realize that I can never be fixed? That these wounds, though healed, will always be scars?
He was so dutiful last night, so comforting... but, will a good night's rest have him rethinking his decision to be with me? Will this be too much for him? My heart instantly chastises me for even thinking it, but my mind burrows that doubt deep into my blood.
The troubling thoughts have the nerves from last night stirring in my belly like a ferocious storm. My whole chest feels like a beating heart, my whole body is thumping with anxiety.
I don't regret telling him, I feel relieved, but fear of what the light of day might bring has my insides twisting.
I glance up at his sleeping face beneath my eyelashes; his fluttering lids, half open mouth, and relaxed face... He looks innocent, angelic almost, with the sunlight glowing on his skin.
The burning candle in my endless darkness.
His warmth, his scent, his closeness has my heart beating for an entirely different reason.
I'm so hot this close to him that it's almost suffocating, my whole body vibrates with my heartbeat and I have to slowly begin to pull away from him in a feeble attempt to calm my nerves.
My growing affection for this boy is starting to strangle me.
I detach myself from his embrace, feeling the chill on my body almost instantly. He groans a little in his sleep, stretching his arms out on the bed -searching for me. The sight alone has my heart squeezing like a fist and a small smile gracing my lips.
He huffs, turning away when he can't reach me and his reaction has my nerves calming.
But, I need time. To think. To process.
I flip open the notebook on his bedside table to the first page and scribble down a small note on the center before his sleeping face forces me to stay.
You were drooling on me so I had to leave before I drowned. Text me.
XO,
Layla
I refrain from writing 'love' -the word pounding in my skull like a drum and almost crushing all other thoughts. I don't think I have the strength yet to even contemplate that emotion.
I take one last glance at his peaceful face before walking out of his room as quietly as possible.
"Layla?"
I nearly scream at the sudden noise, whirling around and slamming into Harry's closed door in shock. But when I see Eliza paused mid-step in the hall, glancing between Harry's door and me, that shock quickly turns into mortification.
I had not expected anyone to be up this early.
"E-Eliza, I didn't... What are you doing here?"
She almost laughs, a slow grin spreading against her cheeks as her eyes dart from the door to me, "What are you doing here?"
If I touched my cheeks then, I'm sure I would get third degree burns on my fingers from their heat. I struggle to find something to say, not sure if I want to tell her the truth or keep it to myself.
I decide I'm much too shy to admit to anything just yet and her suggestive smile is only making me more anxious, more embarrassed.
"I... I was just thanking Harry for the gift he gave me."
"And how exactly did you thank him?" The innuendo in her tone is clear and I nearly choke on my saliva, the embarrassment so strong I want to curl up and die.
"Eliza! Nothing happened," I murmur, averting my gaze and fidgeting, wanting nothing more than to end this conversation, "Why are you leaving so early?"
This time, she does chuckle at my obvious change of subject, but with one last satisfied smirk she drops it.
"I have to open up the cafe. I know you're shift doesn't start for a few more hours, but do you want to come with? I feel like you have a lot to tell me."
My eyes narrow at her, really hating her suggestive tone, but my mind is still reeling from last night's confession and reliving my past and I could really use he distraction.
It's not like I would get much sleep anyway.
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Two cups of tea, three rude customers, and too many Harry-filled innuendos from Eliza later and I am fully regretting the decision to crawl out of Harry's warm embrace this morning.
I'm also regretting getting three hours of sleep and wondering how in the hell Eliza gets up every day to open the cafe at five in the morning.
Luckily, the busy morning has been a welcome distraction from the thoughts plaguing my mind. Thoughts about Louis and Harry and how Harry will treat me today, if he's woken, if he's read my note.
By the time the morning rush dies down and I have cleared off all of the tables I am running low on fuel. While Eliza is in the back I can't help but sneak up the winding staircase into the small alcove to take a quick nap before the lunch-time rush.
The window across from the stairs provides dim lighting -enough to make out the bookshelves and bean bag chair, but not much else. It doesn't take long for my eyelids to grow heavy and the world to go black.
But, it seems as if I only close my eyes for one second and the next I am being shaken awake.
Though, I think I must have been asleep for a while because the dim glow through the window has brightened into midday sunlight and I have to squint my eyes from the brightness.
My eyes adjust slowly, though a few things are clear instantly; the bright emerald eyes searching my face, the outline of long curly hair, and the familiar scent of the forest.
"Harry?" I grumble, wiping my eyes and sitting up slowly, causing him to shift back slightly, taking a seat next to me on the chair.
"I don't drool."
"What?"
He huffs next to me, crossing his arms and pouting, "I don't drool in my sleep."
My groggy brain finally catches up and I remember the note this morning, a small laugh escaping my lips at his adorableness. I sit up straighter, reaching over to pinch his cheek, but he quickly slaps away my hands.
"Why did you leave this morning, really?" The playfulness is sucked from the conversation as his tone grows more serious, "Did you... Are you regretting last night?"
Through the soft glow of the window I can see his eyebrows furrow in concern, his light eyes cautious of my answer, almost afraid.
My chest aches at his expression –knowing I stems from my track record for regretting a lot of things we've done together.
I suddenly feel embarrassed for leaving so early this morning, slightly guilty. I glance away from his intrusive eyes, trying to find the right thing to say.
"I... No, I'm not. I thought... I thought you might change your mind... That you wanted an out after hearing the truth."
I wouldn't have blamed him... I come with a lot of baggage, a lot of scars that no matter how often he kisses them, they aren't going away.
No matter how much light he sheds, there will always be shadows in my heart.
But, Harry looks at me as if I just said the most ridiculous thing he's ever heard. His brows scrunch together, his jaw drops and he shakes his head feverently, an incredulous laugh falling from his lips.
Slowly, so that I can see him, he brings his hands out to cup my cheeks, stroking them gently.
"What more do I have to do?" He asks, voice dazed, "What do I have to do or say to make you believe me? To make you understand that I'm all in? That I have been all in since the moment I caught you on my balcony? That nothing you could say, no secret you could bear would make me change my mind?
"If anything, I want you even more now, I've fallen for you even harder after hearing how brave you are, how incredible you are for suffering such great tragedy and pain and still manage to be this positive, brave. You... You inspire me, Layla... Back out? Change my mind? Never. Not with you. I'll be here until you decide you're tired of me. And probably even after."
My cheeks flame from his words, my heart expanding in my chest like a balloon from how amazing this man is. How unbelievable it is that I pushed him away for so long, that I didn't see what was right in front of me.
I'm speechless for a while, just letting his words burrow into my skin, wishing I could tattoo them there. Thinking about how much my life has changed in the past few months. About how so much of that has to do with him.
"Thank you, Harry."
"For what?"
"Just... For being the light at the end of the tunnel."
The edge of his lips tug up at that and we pause as there's is a clambering downstairs and I wonder how long I have been asleep and why Eliza didn't wake me up. Though I suspect that part has to do with Harry showing up.
I glance back at Harry, our faces merely inches away, suddenly nervous.
I've been in one relationship my entire life and we both know how that ended up. Suddenly the idea of being with Harry makes me both anxious and excited.
There is just enough light in the window to highlight the left side of his face and cast the right in shadows. His eyes trace my face like a soft caress, lingering on my eyes, then my lips, mine follow suit.
The air in the small room seems to sizzle between us, my heart thumping hard and fast in my chest.
For the first time, I am not afraid of another man's touch, I crave it.
"Can I kiss you?" Harry whispers, voice low and eyes fixated on the plump flesh of my lips.
I swallow hard, suddenly nervous. We had kissed before -a few times, but the wall that was always up between us -first Jaime, and then my lingering fear had been knocked down after last night.
We're together now. Actually together.
And I'm grateful, so grateful how easy the transition from friends into something more is. It makes me wonder if we were ever just friends to begin with –if this current has always been here, lingering, just waiting to be let out.
And when his breath fans across my face and I can feel the warmth of his body I move closer, leaning into him until my chest is almost pressing against his own.
My hand smooths up his arm and then across his chest, reveling in the quick succession of his heartbeat, before sliding up his neck and tangling itself into his hair.
Slowly, ever so slowly, I bring his face to my own, his eyes sliding closed just as my lips brush against his.
It's soft, yet demanding. Consuming, yet gentle. Passionate and careful.
His lips close around my bottom one, slightly chapped and deliciously full. The touch of them sends a shockwave down my body, revving my heart like an engine. I tilt my head away from his, nipping on his bottom lip and reveling in the low grumble of his chest.
He slides a hand up my waist, the other holding my cheek as his tongue travels across my mouth. Every touch sparking against my skin like a match, his lips the kerosene.
I don't shake, I don't panic, I'm not afraid.
All I feel is Harry, all I taste is Harry, all I want is Harry.
But, I don't want to overwhelm myself.
With one light peck I pull away, my breaths hard, cheeks warm, and heart full.
Harry sighs, stroking my cheek gently and gazing into my eyes as if searching for and finding something, "I can't believe this is real... You've no idea how long I've wanted this. Wanted you."
"I think that sketchbook you gave me kind of gave it away."
A deep flush travels from his neck to the very top of his ears and I have to bite back a laugh at his bashfulness. He turns away from me, face turning sour.
The mood instantly shifts away from the electrically charged one and straight into a more playful and light-heated mood.
"Are you embarrassed?" I laugh, to which he scowls at me and I reach out again to grab his cheeks between my fingers, "Don't be! It was so cute! And only mildly creepy!"
He scoffs, slapping my hands away, lips pouting, "Don't tease me... I knew I shouldn't have given you journal... Should've given you a book on manners instead." He grumbles the last part to himself, arms crossed and lips jutted out and he looks just like a child.
I laugh then, so loudly that it makes his head snap up in surprise and a grin stretch up his cheeks, replacing his frown.
"Don't you laugh at me," He reaches out, fingers tickling my sides and I shove him away in protest, high pitched chuckles falling from my lips, "It took a lot of courage to give you that okay, don't mock me."
He follows me as I scoot away from him, his fingers moving faster against my ribs and causing me to laugh hysterically, cringing away from him to no avail.
I shoot up from the beanbag, Harry quick to follow me as I run to get away from him.
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry okay!" I laugh, breathless, as I run down the staircase, Harry's quick steps just behind me.
My laughter dies down quickly as I make it to the last step, a few guests at the cafe head's snapping up at the sudden noise and both Niall and Eliza raising their eyebrows at our boisterous entrance.
Harry fumbles down the stairs, almost running right into me, his cheeks just as red as mine when he notices our audience. He awkwardly clears his throat and follows me up to the counter.
"Hey guys." Both Eliza and Niall drag out at the same time, eyeing the both of us suspiciously.
Eliza avoids my glare. She obviously told Niall she caught me sneaking out this morning, the traitor.
I speak first so as to avoid any intrusive questions, "How long have I been asleep exactly?"
"A little over an hour, but I didn't want to wake you... Looks like you had a long night." The insinuation in her voice is clear and I shift away from Harry awkwardly, my cheeks flaming.
Niall chuckles under his breath, looking up to Harry, "Hate to break up the party, but our shift starts in twenty."
Silently, I squeeze Harry's hand underneath the counter in a silent plea not to leave me with a very inquisitive Eliza, but he pries his fingers from mine, chuckling lowly and rounding the counter.
"I'll text you later, okay?"
And then he does something, almost unconsciously, that has all four of us freezing instantly.
He leans in and leaves a small peck on my unsuspecting lips.
Then he turns and begins to lead the way out the door before halting slightly in his steps, seeming to understand what he just did and whom he did it in front of.
He hesitates at the door, as if deciding whether or not to turn around, but Niall claps him on his back and opens the door, leaving Harry to look over his shoulder, eye the look Eliza is sending me and mouth a quick, "I'm sorry."
My only response is my finger sliding across my throat threateningly.
When the door closesand I see the boys walking away, I jerkily turn towards Eliza who has her handson her hips and her eyebrows raised like a mother about to scold her child.
"You have some serious explaining to do."
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THANK YOU ALL FOR BEING SO PATIENT ON THIS UPDATE! I don't know how often I will be able to write with school starting up and me moving into a dorm but I will try my best.
Thoughts on the aftermath? The kiss? The playfulness? Predictions?
Next chapter is dinner with Harry's family so that'll be interesting.
VOTE AND COMMENT AND ILY xx