Today is one of the hardest days for me, it's our birthday. My roommate Madison (Maddie) wanted to throw a party for me but I declined the offer. As great as it sounds, it wouldn't be the same without him celebrating with me. There is a knock a the door and I go and open it
"Mail for Abigail Mitchell"
"That's me" I say while taking my mail
"Have a good day" the mail boy says and I nod and go back into mine and Maddie's room and sit on the bed and stare at the letters in disbelief
I-it's a letter from Wes... All of them are from him. I rip open the first letter and start reading
Hey baby sister,
By the time your reading this, it will be our 20th birthday. Happy birthday! I don't want you to feel sad for me. I want you to be happy and live in the present.
Now I know what you are thinking ; how is this real? Well I can assure you that it is very real. And I am sure you want answers and your going to get them. You are going to start at the beginning and then you will understand. I love you baby sister
Xo - Wes
I can't believe my eyes, I look for the very first letter which is written when we were 13 and rip it open
Dear journal,
Today was a really good day, I got my first girlfriend! Her name is Bethany and she is super cute. I ended the band with Abby because let's face it, if the guys knew that I was in a band they would tease me for life.
I have been improving my grades which is really good. I'm glad that I can write about all of the events of my life in here but let's get one thing straight. YOUR A JOURNAL! NOT A DIARY. Until next time,
-Wes
I smile after reading this letter because he was actually happy. But I have to keep reading because the answer to why he did it is in here and I have to know why. I grab the second letter which is dated 5 months before his death.
October 31st, 2008
Dear journal,
Happy Halloween! I know it has been a very long while since I have written in you but that is because high school is hard. I have tests and loads of homework along with football practice. Ugh so much work.
Anyways, I went to my first high school party with Abby and I met this cool kid named Caiden, he is our age and he's on the football team with me. Then at the party, we scared Abby so much, you see she hates Halloween because "that's when all the punks" come out and because she is afraid of ghosts.
I'm not with Bethany anymore, we went our separate ways after graduation and I was kind of sad about it but that's how it has to be. That's life, you get separated from the people you love the most even though I don't know anything about love because I am only 14 but life is unfair that way. Until next time
- Wes
I laugh at the memory, him and Caiden scared me so badly at the party that day to a point where I hid under someone's bed and a couple came in and did things, I try to shake the memory as far away from my brain as possible. Ew.
Next I grab the second to last letter that is dated a week before his suicide
March 9th 2008
Dear journal,
My life is falling apart. I have never admitted this to anyone before but I am gay. Yup I said it, I like boys. I got cut from the football team because my grades are slipping, I think my parents are getting divorced, and I stopped talking to my sister. But now for the cherry on top of the cake Caiden Baxter
He told me that he was gay too and we became closer. Then the party came... I wish I had never gone to that party. If I didn't then maybe I wouldn't be bullied everyday for being gay because of the stupid judgmental fucktards in our school. I need to get the events of that party off my chest so I am just going to say it.
What he did to me was horrible. I retardedly got sloppy drunk and spilled all of my darkest secrets to him and he put on a mask, kissed me and then I saw a flash go off. I realized he had taken a picture but I didn't care, my drunken mind wanted more from him because I had a crush on him.
So then we started kissing and one thing led to another. I am going to get this off of my chest and I am not going into detail. Let's just say I was not a virgin anymore and that made me feel like a slut because I am only 14. The next day, I woke up completely hung over but I still went to school and everyone was laughing at me.
I wondered what they were looking at until my friend Candice showed me it. The video. The bastard took a video of us and posted it online and everyone just laughed. I don't think that Abby knows about the video though because she would have confronted me about it and the last thing I need is a lecture from her.
I wanna die so badly. I feel like I do not even belong on this earth. I mean in the words of Caiden "who would love a gay son of a bitch like me" right? He's not wrong. I am not lovable. Nobody will ever learn to love me because of that video. And it's because of that video and all of the betrayal that I wanna die. Maybe I will jump off the roof or slit my throat or wrists. Who knows? Until next time, if there is one
-Wes
Tears are streaming down my face. I always wondered what happened with Caiden but he never wanted to talk about it. Now I know and that makes me feel sick inside. Especially because Caiden goes to my college. He's in everyone of my classes. I shake that thought and grab the last letter. I see that it was written the day he died so I rip it open
Dear Abby,
I'm sorry that I had to go out like this. If you read any of my recent journal entries, you would see why. I have to do this. It's better for me.
And I know that you are thinking that I am so young and I have my whole life ahead of me but I don't. I am nothing without my dignity. I lost hope in everything, but I want you to know that I am going out like this knowing that you were always there and that you always loved me and the feeling is mutual. I love you sis and nothing will ever change that
I'm sorry that I couldn't be there for you. I failed you as a brother, I quit the band even though that's the most stupidest thing in the world to bring up right now but it's true, that's when all of the failures started. Then once I joined the team, I kind of pushed you away so I could be cool and hang with Caiden. That was the biggest mistake of my life.
I'm sorry that I can't be there to see you have kids or get married or have a boyfriend or even grow old with you. I'm sorry that I was such a failure but before I go... I want to thank you. Because even though I couldn't have been there for you as a brother, you were there for me everyday of my life. I will love you even in the afterlife
- love Always Wes
Once I finish reading I drop the letter and start crying. "You didn't fail me Wes, you were still the best brother in the world" I say while looking up, hoping that he can hear me
I not only cry because I miss him and because of the letter, I cry because I know everything now. And one thing is for sure Caiden Baxter you better watch your back because I am coming after you