Demi
The break from the tour in September was very welcomed. I think I handled the Jashley thing quite well. I wasn't jealous of Ashley or hurt by Joe, I was actually more upset because Joe was Nick's brother. This made me think of how it would be if Nick & I ever got together & then broke up. Nick's friendship was a safe place for me so I never wanted to not have it. We could never be more than friends & when that revelation came to me I would pop a pill. It hurt a lot to think about Nick loving another woman. I would have nightmares that I was at Nick's wedding to someone else. The bride never had a face but it didn't matter. I was heartbroken no matter who it was. I was so in love with him & couldn't do anything about it. I dated his brother. He dated my friends. And if any of that didn't matter, I never wanted to risk our friendship. I knew I had to keep that friendship sacred. Losing him was not an option.
One day in late September, I decided to drop by Nick's new apartment. He had gotten an apartment in Los Angeles earlier that year & it was being decorated & renovated while we had been on tour. I hadn't seen it since it was finished. To enter the building you needed a passcode & Nick had given it to me a few days before. We were planning on having dinner one evening that week. I knew he was home since I talked to him the night before & he said he wasn't leaving until the afternoon. It was late morning & I knocked on his door.
After a few minutes, Nick opened the door, smiling, wearing sweatpants & no shirt. Jesus. I could hardly handle his naked chest & bare arms. His hair was a mess, flat on one side. It looked like he just got out of bed. He seemed surprised to see me. "Demi. Hey."
"Hi. I was in the area & realized I hadn't seen your place since it was finished."
Nick looked around nervously. He opened the door more so I could walk in. "Oh... yea. Um... sorry I'm not dressed. Samantha & I just got up." That's when I realized he was probably smiling at something she said when he opened the door.
My heart sank. My stomach started to turn. He was in bed with Samantha. Did they have sex? I took a deep breath to keep from throwing up. "Oh my God, I'm sorry Nick. I didn't know Samantha was here." I started to back up toward the door. Suddenly, Samantha appeared in the hall where I could see her. She was walking toward us. She had on jeans & a white tee shirt. He hair was pulled into a messy ponytail.
Nick took a step toward me. "It's okay, Demi. We were about to have some coffee. Join us." He reached for my hand. I took it reluctantly & the moment my fingers touched his I felt warm. I smiled & let him lead me to the kitchen where Samantha met us.
Samantha smiled, dimples & all, at me and then hugged me. "Demi, it's nice to see you again. "
I hugged her back & smiled in return. "Nice to see you, too." Nick had put three mugs on the island in the center of the kitchen & started pouring coffee.
Samantha was so nice, I couldn't help but to like her. She was sitting across from me at the kitchen island & she was asking me all kinds of questions about Nick & his brothers. She wanted to know everything about the guy she was interested in I'm sure. She had visited Nick on tour back in August while we were in New York but it was only for a few days & her & I didn't get to hang out too much. I met her & we all had dinner one night. Her & Nick kept their PDA to a minimum but I would watch them when I could.
Nick seemed so happy with Samantha & she seemed really into him. I couldn't deny I was jealous but there was a part of me that was happy he found someone to make him happy. That part of me was Nick's best friend who knew nothing other than friendship, could ever happen with him. They looked at each other a lot & always seemed to say things to each other with just a look. I wondered what their eyes were saying. I knew Nick pretty well so I felt like I knew what he saying but I couldn't be completely sure. He smiled at her sweetly & once in a while he would stand close to her & gently brush his hand against hers. They weren't going public with their relationship because Nick liked that part of his life kept as private as possible. He also didn't want poor Samantha to have to deal with angry girl fans or the constant pestering of the paparazzi.
As Samantha & I sat in Nick's kitchen talking, I started to like her even more. Nick, at some point, had left to go shower & get dressed. Before he left he gave Samantha a quick peck on her lips. My heart sank at the site of that. I pushed the image out of my head as quickly as I could. Samantha told me some stories of Nick in London & I told her lots of stories of Nick over the last three years. We laughed a lot. The more we talked the more I realized that her & I had a lot in common. We were very similar.
I ended up spending the day with Samantha. Her & I went shopping in L.A. while Nick had some things to do in his Beat Lab. He worked with Garbo producing & writing music for different artists. We met up with Nick later in the day at the Beat Lab. Garbo ordered pizza & we all ate there. It was actually fun & I forgot about my feelings for Nick for a while. For the moment I was just his friend. That is until we were all leaving. I had said goodbye & was getting ready to leave the studio. I realized I forgot my jacket so I went back to get it & witnessed Samantha in Nick's arms, kissing him passionately. It was like a car wreck. I couldn't look away. Nick had moved his hands to either side of her face & watching him kiss her like that I was taken back to the night he & I kissed. I was so jealous my eyes were burning & my stomach ached. I grabbed my jacket & got out of there as fast as I could. I cried all the way home & then cried myself to sleep that night. I really hated myself for having these feelings for Nick. I wished I could take something or do something that made the feelings go away permanantly.
Nick & Samantha were heading to London in a few days to do the Les Miserables 25th Anniversary concert. Nick's whole family was going & the thought of it made me sick. I heard Ashley was going, too. I wanted to go to support Nick but I knew that I would be miserable. The night before they were heading out, Nick had invited me over for dinner.
Samantha had done the cooking & Nick & I were in the kitchen afterwards cleaning up. Samantha had gone upstairs to make a phone call. She had a friend who had called during dinner & was calling her back. I like that she was such a great friend.
"I really like Samantha." I said to Nick as I dried a plate he had just washed. I was leaning on the counter beside his sink.
He looked over at me & gave me a huge smile. His eyes sparkled. "Me, too." He blushed. "I could easily fall in love with her."
Never had a statement cut through me like that one did. My heart ached a little & somehow I managed to smile. "Wow. You know that already?"
He shrugged his broad shoulders. "I've known her since June. When I met her we clicked right away. I haven't clicked with a girl like that since... " his voice cracked as he paused. He cleared his throat & shifted his eyes toward me. "since.... well you."
"Me?" I was shocked by that remark. "We clicked? You hated me when we first met." I laughed.
"No I didn't. I was just nervous & shy around you because you were so cute." Nick handed me a plate to dry while he smiled playfully at me..
"Oh is that it? Well you never made a move. What made you pursue Samantha?"
Nick looked like he was searching for the words. "Mostly it was timing. If I had been single when you & I first met, things may have been different." He was looking at the dishes he was washing. It was as if he was trying to avoid eye contact. "With Samantha I didn't act on my feelings at first. I went out with Lucie a few times as friends & one night Sam & I were talking & she told me she was jealous that I went out with Lucie. So I kissed her. She was the one I wanted. I didn't want Lucie but I guess I was afraid of rejection. I don't want to rush things with her, though. She's talked about moving to L.A., but she has a few things that may pan out & keep her in London. If she's there & I'm here it can't work out. We'll see what happens I guess. Like I said... it's all about timing."
I looked down at the floor while I waited for him to hand me a clean plate. "Timing is key." was all I could say. I saw Nick nod his head out of the corner of my eye. Neither of us spoke for a few minutes. Finally I blurted out, "Are you still a virgin?"
Nick dropped a glass & I heard it make a horrible noise. He looked at me with his mouth open. "What?"
I knew my face was red but I felt like I had to know. I looked at him under my lashes. "You heard me." I teased.
Nick laughed loudly. All he could do was shake his head. Samantha came in at that minute & asked "What's so funny?" I prayed he wouldn't tell her what I asked.
Samantha came up behind Nick & put her arms around his waist. She rest her cheek on his back. He smiled. "Nothing." he said.
I never got my answer that night. I hung out a little while longer & then went home alone. I cried myself to sleep again after medicating myself heavily. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to know if Nick was a virgin anymore. If I found out he wasn't I may slit my wrists. If I found out he was, I would get my hopes up. I was dreading our tour to start back up in Puerto Rico in a few weeks. I didn't want to hear Nick be all mushy on the phone with Samantha or hear him talk about her with a proud smile on his face. I wasn't sure how much more I could take before I had a breakdown.