Disclaimer: I don't own Vampire Academy, Richelle Mead does.
RPOV:
It took maybe an hour for the relief to finally ebb away and the horror of the situation to sink in. By that time, I had been check out by the doctor and was halfway through the debrief. I’d just reached the part where Avery had shown me my worst nightmare when the realisation of how close I had really been to losing everyone had set in.
I began hyperventilating. Immediately, Dimitri picked me up and walked out of Alberta’s office and took me to our cabin.
As he walked rapidly toward the woods, my mind flashed back to the vision and the feel of Dimitri’s arms as he carried me to the infirmary. It’s not the same, it’s not the same, I chanted to myself, but no matter what I thought, tears splashed down my face at the memory of the pain. Sobs escaped my lips, my whole body shaking.
I felt the change in temperature as Dimitri stepped into the cabin and realised my eyes were screwed shut. He set me gently down on the bed near the pillows, then followed. He pulled me into his body, wrapping it around me. My head lay on his chest, my body curled into a tight fetal position, encircling my stomach protectively. Dimitri’s arms wound around me, holding me to his heart. His long legs somehow managed to tangle with mine, keeping us impossibly close.
Putting his lips near my ear, Dimitri began singing a Russian lullaby. He often sang it to me when Ivan’s movement kept me up. He didn’t say a single word, simply held me and sang to me until I calmed down. This took quite a while.
It seemed as though everything from the last month hit me at once. From seeing Adrian and hearing his cruel words to slowly - or, really, rather quickly - losing everyone save for Dimitri from my life. The rumors, the insults, Adrian’s presence looming over me, Lissa’s words, the nightmares, everything. The hormones seized me, making me a babbling, blithering, sobbing mess of tears and emotion. Through it all, Dimitri held me.
“It’s all my fault,” I sobbed out, past the point where wordless sobs were enough. “My fault. I did it to myself.”
“No you didn’t,” Dimitri said, speaking for the first time. His voice was hoarse and filled with emotion. “None of it is your fault. Avery was a psycho.”
“I almost lost Ivan and you and Lissa,” I said, my voice breaking with each and.
“No you didn’t, Roza,” Dimitri whispered. “You’ll never lose me, and I’ll always keep you and Lissa and Ivan safe.”
“You don’t understand. She showed me and she was right.” I could barely breathe. The pain and tears and everything tearing me apart had come to its peak.
“Rose, Rose, Roza, breathe!” Dimitri cried out, pulling away and sitting me up.
My chest heaved as I became light-headed.
“Roza, look at me!” Dimitri commanded his voice sharp.
My eyes darted around before finally focusing on his.
“Roza, focus. Take a deep breath. Focus. With me now.” Dimitri took exaggerated deep breaths, and I did my best to imitate him.
As air filled my lungs, it became easier to focus on Dimitri, to breathe with him.
“Ssshhhh, Roza, calmed down. You need to calm down,” he murmured, peppering my face and neck with butterfly kisses.
I finally calmed and Dimitri pulled me into a tight hug.
“I am so relieved that you are okay,” he whispered fiercely. “Don’t you ever do something as stupid as that, do you hear me?”
I nodded, helpless and completely unable to disagree. I agreed wholeheartedly with him. It was soo stupid of me to do that. I promised him, myself, and my child in that instant that I would never put myself into such danger again.
We simply held onto each other, until both of our breathing evened out and we weren’t clutching each other quite so hard.
I pulled slightly away to look him in the eye. “I’m sorry, Dimitri,” I said softly, cupping his cheek with my hand.
Dimitri leaned into my hand, closing his eyes briefly, before opening them again. “I - I want to say ‘it’s okay,’ but it’s really not. You scared me so much. I thought I'd lost you.” He sighed, his warm breath washing over my face softly. “However, I forgive you. Just...please. Be careful. Okay?”
I nodded again, my eyes welling up with tears once more. It felt as if I was in the middle of a hurricane of emotions, the eye of the storm nowhere in sight. Now that the horror had passed, the relief and happiness and love and aliveness filled me. Before Dimitri could say a word about the tears, I threw my arms around his neck, pulling my body on top of his, forcing him to fall backwards on the bed. I pressed my lips frantically onto his.
For a few startled seconds, Dimitri just lay there, not moving. Once he got over his shock, he began kissing me with equal vigor. I poured all of my happiness and love and relief into that kiss, feeling Dimitri return all of those emotions and much more. Rapidly, the kiss escalated from ‘thank goodness we’re alive,’ to ‘I want you now.’
It seemed as if Dimitri was letting go of his previous rules as his hands wandered over my shirt. Over the last couple of weeks, we hadn’t had much opportunity to kiss, as I was mostly always sad or upset somehow and all he did was hug me. I now took advantage of the kisses and his lapse in control to tug his shirt over his head. Dimitri made a small noise of annoyance at the separation of our lips, but it quickly turned to pleasure as I ran my hands over his hard chest and kissed down his neck.
Dimitri slipped his hands under my shirt and ran them along my sensitive, six month stomach. For once, Ivan decided to not ruin our moment and stayed still. As Dimitri’s hands rose up, so did my t-shirt, until it was bunched up underneath my arms. I raised my arms and let him pull it off of me, sitting up so that I was straddling him in the process. For an instant, I was self-conscious of the fact that I was no longer the thin and in-shape beauty I was before I got pregnant, but all of my insecurities scattered as Dimitri gazed at my almost bare upper body with desire. This wasn’t the first time he had seen me like this, but it was the first time in over a month.
“You are so beautiful,” he whispered reverently.
Dimitri sat up and crashed his lips with mine once more. He ran his hands along my back, caressing the skin, before moving them forward, all the while kissing me. I resumed my own exploration of his chest. I broke the kiss to breathe, but he continued kissing me down my neck, and along my shoulders, to the outline of my bra. My breathing was embarrassingly loud and small moans kept escaping from my lips. I couldn’t help it, though. This was the farthest I had ever gotten with anyone, not counting my rape. No one had ever touched me the way Dimitri now was. Excitement and pleasure filled my body. I pressed Dimitri’s head closer to my breasts, arching my back as my hand got lost in his soft hair. He brought one of his hands forward and squeezed my breast while the other rested around my back and on the hip on the other side.
“Dimitri!” I cried out, gripping his hair harder.
He let out a small moan in response. And then he stopped and moved his head to rest on my shoulder.
I held onto his shoulders as Dimitri wrapped his arms around my waist, both of us trying to catch our breath.
“What - what was - why - why did you stop?” I finally gasped out, shocked from the sensory overload, then absolutely nothing.
“Roza,” Dimitri groaned out, pulling away, his eyes squeezed shut. “We can’t.”
I stopped breathing for a moment. “What?!” I cried out.
“Roza, you know we can’t. I’ve told you this before.” Dimitri gave me an apologetic look.
Rejection, mortifyingly hot and painfully cold, flooded through me. I pulled myself off of his lap and to the edge of the bed, simply collapsing there as all of the energy simply drained out of me.
“Roza?” Dimitri asked tentatively.
“What Dimitri?” I asked tonelessly.
“Roza, what’s wrong?”
I felt the bed shift as he crawled down it to sit beside me. I snorted. “You have to ask?”
“Yes...?” Dimitri replied, unsure.
“Do you not want me?” I asked in a whisper, staring at the carpet.
There was a beat of silence, then Dimitri’s arms were around me once more. “Of course I do, Roza. I love you!” he exclaimed.
I pulled away. “Could’ve fooled me,” I muttered darkly. My hormones had officially taken over and I refused to be responsible of what came out of my mouth.
“Roza, I don’t understand.” Dimitri sighed with frustration.
“You know, if you don’t want me, just say so, alright? You don’t have to keep playing with my emotions. If you don't want me, say so now, so we can end this. I’m tired of you being all ‘I want you’ one second then pull away the very next,” I snapped, glaring at him. I was tired of the emotional whiplash he put me through every time we kissed.
“I-Roza, I’m sorry, I was just-” Dimitri began.
“No, an apology isn’t going to cut it this time, Dimitri,” I cut him off. “Don’t tell me it was to protect me. You know, every time we kiss, we don’t have to get naked.”
“Rose, I’m sor-” This time, he cut himself off, running a hand through his tousled hair. “Rose, I love you. Of course I want you!! Just...you’re right. I do want to protect you. And you’re right once more; every time we kiss, we don’t have to get naked. But it’s so hard to resist you, Roza.” He gave me a pleading look.
I looked down once more. “Dimitri, do you have any idea how hard this is for me?” I said in a broken whisper. “I have never in my life felt...sexual pleasure. Before my virginity was so harshly taken by Adrian, my sexual escapades consisted of nothing more than a handful of make-out sessions the extent of which didn’t go beyond a grope over the shirt, or maybe my shirt coming off. Nothing more. No one ever even ventured between my legs.” I couldn’t look at him as I said all of this. Mortification and shame burned through me.
“Oh, Roza.” Dimitri’s voice sounded pained. The bed shifted once more as he again crawled to me. Gently, he cupped my face. “Roza, I am so, so sorry. I had no idea. I didn’t realise how much I was hurting you by this.” He pulled me into his arms and held me tight. Then he awkwardly shuffled back to the head of the bed and laid down with me. He turned us so that I was laying on my back and he was hovering on top of me. He pressed a soft kiss on my lips. Pulling back, he searched my eyes for something. “Can I fix it?” he whispered.
My breath caught. “W-what? Fix it?”
Dimitri nodded, his eyes intense as they stared into mine. “Can I make you feel pleasure you’ve never dreamed of?”
I stared at him in amazement. “I - what, I mean, how...? Do I...?” I trailed off, unsure of what I was trying to ask, my face burning.
Dimitri gave me a purely seductive smile, the likes of which I’d never before seen, or ever imagined would appear on my Comrade's face. The air froze in my lungs.
“Just lay back and enjoy,” he murmured before ducking his head to kiss all the way down my body.
All I could do was hold on as he took me to pleasure-filled places I never knew existed.
_________________________________________________________
The next morning, I was awakened by a knock on the cabin door.
I groaned and snuggled closer to Dimitri. The knock sounded again.
“Go away,” I mumbled.
Next to me, Dimitri chuckled. “Come on, Rose. We need to get up anyway.”
I groaned again. “Why? I don’ wanna!!” I whined like a little girl.
Dimitri chuckled again. He seemed in high spirits for so early in the morning, I mused absentmindedly.
“Come, Snow White, get up. We have a visitor. I’ll make breakfast,” he bribed me.
I lifted my head in confusion. “Snow White?” I questioned.
Dimitri nodded. “She was asleep and had to be woken by a kiss too, you know,” he said knowledgeably.
I rolled my eyes and sat up, keeping the blanket around me. All I was wearing was Dimitri’s t-shirt and it was cold outside the blankets. “Well, then get the fire going and my breakfast cooking, Dopey,” I replied.
Dimitri arched an eyebrow. “Dopey?”
I shrugged. “He was my favorite,” I answered, clambering out of bed with the blanket still around me.
“Are you trying to hide from me?” Dimitri teased, amusement clear in his voice.
I snorted. “You wish,” I shot back. “I’m cold is all.”
Dimitri suddenly jumped into action, adding more logs to the fire and poking at them to get them to burn better, or something. I couldn't help but smile lovingly at his concern. Another knock jarred me from my thoughts.
“Oh, hang on would ya?” I hollered back. “We just got up!”
There was wondrous silence outside, but I sensed that the person hadn’t left.
Now that the cabin had warmed up, I was able to let the blanket fall and get dressed uninhibited.
“Rose, you’re getting the blanket dirty,” Dimitri chastised.
“Do you think we’ll be able to move back to our old room now that Avery is gone?” I wondered, ignoring his comment.
“I’m not sure. I’m sure Alberta would prefer it. It’s not exactly safe out here,” Dimitri replied, stooping down to pick up the fallen blanket and throw it back onto the bed.
“Yeah, and it’s really boring.” I made a face, pulling on a pair of fuzzy black socks.
“Are you cooking breakfast?” I gave Dimitri puppy eyes. He melted.
“Of course, Roza. Pancakes?”
I nodded enthusiastically. “I’m gonna let whoever is out there in, alright?”
Dimitri nodded, already preparing the batter.
“Is there syrup?” I called back to Dimitri as I opened the door, looking back at him.
Dimitri nodded without looking up. “Of course; would I offer you pancakes otherwise?”
I giggled, then turned to whoever had been waiting patiently outside of my door.
Then promptly slammed it shut.
Or, well, tried to, as he stuck his foot in the doorway, causing the door to crash into his foot, but bounce off.
“Ow, dammit!” he cursed.
I glared at him. “Go away.”
“No, wait, Rose. Please!! At least let me explain!” Adrian cried out, looking at me pleadingly.
I felt Dimitri come up behind me. “She said leave,” he said coldly.
“I won’t even come in, okay? I’ll stand right here, okay?” Adrian raised his hands up and moved his foot away from the doorway, backing up a step so that he stood about a foot away from the house. “Please, just hear me out.”
I hesitated. He was once one of my best friends. He had either never acknowledged the fact that he had hurt me or taunted me with it. Part of me wanted to hear what he was saying, but the other part was screaming to never see him again. Before I could decide, Dimitri did it for me.
“Get away. Now. And stay away. Don’t you ever come near her again,” he snarled.
Adrian backed up a couple of steps, his hands up in the universal show of surrender. “I understand you’re angry and hurt and upset and a million things I will never even begin to understand. But I am begging you, please let me explain. Please, Rose.” He literally fell to his knees and clasped his hands in front of him as if praying, but his eyes didn’t leave mine.
I hesitated again.
“Rose, don’t listen to him. Let’s just go back and have breakfast. You don't have to do anything,” Dimitri whispered into my ear, his arm around me protectively.
As I looked into Adrian’s clear green eyes, filled with pleading, I couldn't help but cave. Yes, I was mad and upset and hurt and mortified and my ego decided to go into hibernation, but after everything that had happened, I couldn’t afford to have someone else against me. I need all the friends I could find. I couldn’t hate him forever; life was too short. Plus, I had my suspicions that Avery had somehow manipulated him.
“Alright.” My own voice startled me. I hadn’t realised I had come to a definite conclusion.
“Rose-” Dimitri began warningly.
I shook him off and stepped forward.
“Rose!” he exclaimed.
Adrian watched me with astonished eyes. “Rose?” he said uncertainly.
I swallowed nervously. “I want to hear what you have to say,” I said, my voice shaking faintly. I could feel Dimitri behind me, protecting me.
Adrian gave a small nod, still shell-shock. He seemed to realise that I was serious and he shakily stood up.
Dimitri tensed at my back. “Rose, I don’t like this,” he said, tension clear in voice.
“Dimitri, you’re going to be there the entire time. Nothing will happen,” I insisted.
“Rose, you just promised me not to put yourself in danger.”
“And I’m not,” I replied, irritated. I didn’t take my eyes off of Adrian the entire time.
“Come on, Adrian.” I turned to go back into the cabin, assuming the two men would follow. Dimitri stayed where he was until I passed, then turned and followed. After a few seconds, I heard Adrian’s uncertain steps after us.
“Rose, I really don’t like this,” Dimitri said through gritted teeth. I didn’t have to look at his face to know he was spitting mad.
“Dimitri, you’re going to be there the entire time. What could go wrong?” But despite my reassurances, he put a small nugget of doubt into my mind. What if something did happen? I wondered. Would Dimitri be able to keep us safe? Would Adrian hurt me again? I shook it off, reminding myself everything would be fine. Adrian had changed, anyone could see it.
The three of us walked through the open doorway of our cabin, Adrian a few beats behind Dimitri and I.
“Go by the bed,” Dimitri murmured, before closing the door behind Adrian.
I complied, knowing he was hatching a plan for me to stay safe and for him to be able to stop Adrian should anything happen.
Dimitri led Adrian to a chair in the kitchen area, while I sat at the foot of bed. With the way the bed was positioned, I was nearest to the door, with Adrian several feet away, blocked by a table and Dimitri strategically between us. The camp stove we used to cook our meals sat cool in the middle of the table, causing my stomach to rumble lightly at the thought of breakfast. Luckily neither heard.
“Talk,” Dimitri growled, leaning against the wall of the cabin, hawk eyes tracking Adrian’s every move.
It seemed as though now that he had gotten me to talk to him, words escaped Adrian.
“I-” he faltered, his eyes darting between the two of us. “I just...” he trailed off, his eyes focusing on my distended stomach.
Instinctively, I placed my left hand over it, not even realising that my right was already touching it for comfort.
“I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I know, not enough. It will never be enough. I took something from you that you can never get back, I scarred you for life, in so many ways. I just want to say that...it wasn’t me. Say what you will, I’m telling you the honest truth.” His eyes bore into mine. “I - Avery....I met Avery at a royal ball, about a year before I met you. We hit it off almost immediately. She was a party girl, wanted nothing more than that: fun, booze and sex. What more could I ask for in a girl? Out of convenience, we began ‘dating.’ Both of our families wanted us to settle down and get serious, so what better way to do that than to stay together and party? Our parents could say nothing; we were dating royal Moroi, keeping the lines going. That’s all they ever wanted and we were giving it to them. I never thought she saw me as more. I never knew she was a spirit user. I should have, but most of the time I spent around her, I was drunk. Now that I think about it, I don’t recall a time when she was drunk with me, after we got together, I mean.
Maybe that was her plan all along, keep me drunk and with her, until we got married and produced spirit babies. I’m not sure. She seemed fascinated by my spirit powers, though, always pushing me to try new things and I was always eager to please her. Of course, this created darkness, which caused me to drink more, which caused my will to be weak. Now that I think about it, she wanted that. There would be times when she would tell me to not drink, that it wasn’t necessary. Those moments I don’t remember well. The darkness would have almost free reign and with my scattered mind, I was all hers. It was partly - no, it was mostly my fault. I was too weak, too stupid to see that she was using me.” Adrian stopped with his story to sigh and run his hands through his hair, agitated. He was no longer looking at me, but out the window to Dimitri’s right. “When you came over to see your mom, it was like light was shining for the first time through all the darkness. Suddenly, I didn’t want to be with Avery and all of her partying and darkness and crazy. I wanted to be with you and your innocence and laughter. Your brightness. I don’t remember what happened when I told Avery we should break up. All I know is that she got mad.” He looked at me again. “Rose, I’m sorry for dragging you into this, for hurting you. If I hadn’t - if I hadn’t said a word to Avery about you, none of this would have happened. I’m sorry. That night, at the party, she was there. She had told me to not drink. I didn’t. That’s why I seemed so messed up; the darkness was wrecking havoc on my mind. She told me to hurt you, to ruin your life any way I could. I raped you. I did it of my own free - well, forced, but free within the force - will. I’m so, so sorry. If I could go back in time...” Adrian sighed again. “Well, a lot of things would be different. But I can’t do that, can I?” He gave me a wan smile, one filled with sadness and self-hate. “I’m sorry, Rose. If you ever need anything, money, a place to stay, connections, anything, I’m here. I can never make up for what I did to you, I won’t even pretended I can, but I will do everything in my power to make your life and your child’s life easier, okay? Anything you ever want, don’t hesitate to ask.”
I stared at him, stunned. My mind was all over the place from everything he had just told me. Avery had hated me that much? It was over Adrian? She really was a psychotic bitch? He would do anything? He didn’t want to see his own child? I voiced the last question out loud.
“You don’t want to be a part of Ivan’s life?” I questioned, rubbing my belly.
“It’s a boy?” Adrian smiled faintly, a faraway look in his eyes.
I nodded.
Adrian’s smile widened. “I don’t think I deserve it, Rose. Not after everything, especially after the way he was conceived. I don’t think that he would even want to know me after that. I don’t want him to live with some false image of me. I would love to know him, but I certainly don’t deserve it.” Adrian stood up slowly, as if he had aged thirty years in the brief time he had stayed. “Well, I have intruded upon your company for much too long. Enjoy your breakfast and the rest of the day.” He turned to Dimitri and bowed. “Thank you so much for taking care of her. I hope you two have a happy life, and once more, don’t hesitated to ask if you need anything.” With that, he back out the door.