I have only been in the hospital twice in my life. The first time, I was five and drank an entire bottle of soap. Mom freaked and thought that I was poisoned, but it turned out that I would just burp up bubbles for an entire week instead. I had to admit, it was a very entertaining week.
The second time was when I visited my aunt who was in a bad car accident after driving home on icy roads. They didn't let me go back in her room to see her because she was supposedly in really bad shape. Mom and Dad didn't want the disturbing image of her to affect me. I was mad at the nurses and my family for not letting me see her, after all she is my favorite aunt.
But now, looking down at Ben's broken body, I am starting to understand why they did what they did.
My brother is a tall man with a hefty build. Not too lean, not too bulky, which is why the football team scavenged him out for months. After a lot of prying he tried out just to make them get off his back and ended up being the quarterback. He was always meant for greatness, even if he doesn't realize it, which is why seeing him wrapped up in tubes, gauze, casts, stitches, and monitors broke my heart.
This is not what he was meant for.
He was not meant to lay in this hospital bed with a tube down his throat forcing him to take another breath. He was not meant to look so weak and fragile when he is the strongest person I know. I hated the entire image of someone I thought could get through anything practically lifeless on a small white bed. I hated that his usual cheerful bright eyes were trapped behind his eyelids. I hated that his mouth that is always curled up to his ears was now flattened into a emotionless scowl. I figured I wasn't prepared to see him, but I didn't realize that I wouldn't be seeing Ben at all.
This is not my brother. This is a broken man.
"As I said before, he won't be responsive," Claire repeated standing a few feet behind me. I completely forgot she was there I was so lost in my thoughts. "But he can probably hear everything that you say. I've heard that was possible before. So if you are here to confess something to him, just know that he will remember it when he wakes up," she winked.
Her remark fell on deaf ears as my eyes trailed over Ben's hand resting over his chest. Ever so slowly it would rise and fall like the tides in the ocean. He was breathing, even if it was forced, but he is alive. At least that was promising.
"I'll keep that in mind," I murmured.
She might have said something else, but I wasn't paying attention. When the door shut and I was completely alone with Ben I suddenly realized that had no idea what to do. I've never been in this situation before and there are not enough books in the world to prepare me on how to talk to my comatose brother. I couldn't think of what to say or how to begin. Funny how I've been fighting to see him all week and now that I have my chance I'm completely mute.
In all honesty, I felt a little bad being here. I shouldn't be his first visitor. I may be his sister, which certainly holds a spot in his heart, but he deserves someone like Mom or Danica to be here. Not that he is going to wake up any time soon to see them, but I can't help but feel like this is a monumental moment that I don't deserve. I'm not with him every day. I talk to him on the phone maybe three times a month. Hell, I've practically hated him at one point, maybe several times.
But I couldn't bring myself to leave the room. Because as I said before, I am his sister. I love Ben, more than the times I've hated him. And I would be lying if I said that I haven't been aching to see him as soon as I left graduation. Maybe even before that. I was just hoping when I saw him he would be a little more . . . Ben-ish.
I let out a loud sigh and scraped a chair along the floor bringing it closer to his bed. I know if I was in his situation I wouldn't like it if someone just stood there watching over me.
I leaned forward pressing my elbows to my knees just taking in the sight of his pathetic appearance thinking about how he used to be. When we were kids we had this game book that showed two of the same images. However, you had to pick out eight minute differences that photo A had from photo B. I was fantastic at that game, way better than Ben.
So I tried it out now and thought back to Ben A and compared him to Ben B. I picked him apart noting every difference, including small ones like the cut above his eyebrow or the way his usual soft hair now looked matted. His usual glowing, tan skin took on a more pale tone, especially his face. But the biggest change were his legs.
The image hurt more than I expected it to. I've seen him use these legs for amazing things. I've seen them at their prime when he would run across the football field towards numerous touchdowns. I've seen him be lifted up by his teammates by those same legs as they joyfully celebrated. I've seen him sprint past the opposing player to block his teammate, once getting kicked out because he used his legs . . . in the opponent's face. He would wake me up as he prepared for his morning jogs. On Thanksgivings we would play Indian Leg War, to which he would easily flip me over using his leg.
And now I have seen them shattered, bound to the thigh with a thick, white cast holding them in place.
I'm not sure how he is going to recover from this, if he even can.
I let out another sigh to momentarily drown the sound of the beeping monitors trying to think of what to do.
Always with situations like this you are given two options: you either become an emotional mess and cry the entire time, or, you act like everything is fine and pretend like it is a normal day.
I was already getting emotional over his damn legs and I didn't like it, so I decided to try the second route and grabbed the remote control near his bed.
"What are we watching today, Benny?" I turned on the nearby television flipping through a few channels that didn't seem promising. I don't know why I looked back at him to see his reaction when we passed Spongebob. A part of me believed he would sit up and yell at me for skipping over his favorite show, but of course he remained motionless. I swallowed the lump in my throat and settled on a Harry Potter movie. Apparently there was a marathon going on. At least that's good news.
"Sweet," I smiled lowering the remote. "Just like we use to do behind Mom and Dad's backs. You know, I never really understood that. They refused to let us watch this series because Mom thought witchcraft was bad, but something like Twilight was perfectly fine," I scoffed rolling my eyes. "I think Mom just really had a thing for that Cullen guy so she let the vampire thing slide. But witchcraft? Oh no! Shield your eyes!" I laughed to myself.
Again, I looked over to see Ben's reaction, which again was as lively as a rock. I didn't know what I was expecting. I knew he is going to be like this for a while. It's only day one of his coma, what did I expect? Him dancing around and singing like everything is fine?
I sniffed and looked back at the television. I can't remember if it's the third or fourth movie, but I watched as Ron ate some sort of jelly bean that made him roar like a lion whereas Harry ate one that made steam shoot out from his ears. I chuckled at the image.
"Remember when we did something like that to Dad?" I asked Ben. "We gave him a small bag of jelly beans that tasted like rotten eggs and told him it was marshmallow flavored. He actually believed us and dumped the whole thing in his mouth," I snorted. "He still won't eat jelly beans anymore."
At this point I accepted that Ben wasn't going to answer, but I kept on anyway.
"Oh! Do you remember when we used an empty bottle of that glass cleaner and you used it to drink Powerade out of? Mom nearly had a heart attack! Although . . . to be honest that was pretty dangerous," I gave him a pointed look. He didn't flinch.
"Speaking of blue drinks, do you remember that time you tried to ask out Paige to the middle school dance and ended up spilling her blue raspberry slushie all over her because you tripped?" I started cracking up at the memory. "She had this googly look in her eyes when you walked up to her, and as soon as your mouth opened, BAM," I smacked my hands together, "right on the floor knocking the slushie all over her outfit. Which, was white! Oh man she was so mad at you! I have no idea how you still managed to take her," I snickered. It really was hilarious, especially since Paige was a total bitch.
"Oh, and that Jeremey kid who outwardly hated everyone in the school. Then you become best friends with him the next week, like really?" I shook my head slowly. "You just have some gift with people it seems, Ben. Really it's crazy. You have some sort of talent of slipping into people's hearts so easily, even if you barely know them. Hell, even your nurse seemed to really care for you." I held up my hands in defense as if he said something back, "I know, I know. She's your nurse so she has to care, but on the way here she wouldn't stop asking me all these questions about you. 'What does he normally do?' 'He looks like a nice guy' 'He was very brave doing what he did', which I say is complete bullshit."
I wasn't expecting the words to come out so harshly, but I meant what I said. My anger I felt towards him earlier slowly started to resurface. I definitely wasn't planning this, but I couldn't push it away either.
"Look," I tucked a strand of hair behind my ear, "I'm glad you saved Danica. She is a great girl, like really really great, but what were you thinking, Ben? I know you love her, but did you not think about the consequences? Did you not care that you could have possible died? Did you not care that you would no longer see us anymore?" the control in my voice started to shake. "When people die, they don't come back. When you die, that's it. You can't apologize to us for trying to be there hero. You can't tell us that you love you. Whatever you did in your life up until that moment is all you will be known for. You can't go back and try to make things right, you're gone from our lives permanently."
I knew I wasn't going to receive an answer but still I waited. I used the time to calm myself down before beginning again.
"Do you remember that time we climbed Uncle Josh's tree? We turned it into a competition but you wouldn't go further than halfway up the tree. I went to the very top, lost my footing, and fell. Of course you caught me, you always catch me, but you were so furious with me. You didn't talk to me for days and called me reckless and stupid. You kept telling me that I could have easily died. Well guess what?" I pointed to the monitors around him literally pumping life into him. "The same thing happens to you! Only no one was there to catch you when you fell from the sky. The fucking sky, Ben! Not a tree! Jesus! What were you thinking?!"
Now I was up from my chair pacing back and forth by his side fuming. I thought that I was finished with my rant, but it just felt so good to let it all out the words didn't stop.
"I understand that it's stupid of me to be angry with you because it's not like you chose to crash. And I know it was heroic of you to save Danica. And I know it's all good and well because you didn't actually die, but damnit! I am going to be mad because I deserve to be! So just shut up and listen!" When I realized the fault in my words I backtracked. "I mean . . . just listen because you can't talk . . . or move . . . or anything for that matter--ugh!" I threw my hands up in the air. "Why is it so difficult to talk to someone in a coma?"
I looked back at his expressionless face and frowned. "You are totally laughing at me right now, aren't you? Somewhere in some limbo, or wherever your mind is, you are laughing your ass off because I look like an idiot right now. Well whatever. Go ahead and laugh, I'm still pissed off at you," I crossed my arms turning away.
I let out an exasperated sigh feeling slightly less tense. When I turned back around to really lay it on him my eyes fell back on his hand on his chest and I froze.
It hasn't even moved an inch, but that's not what caught my attention. Instead, I couldn't look away from the golden band wrapped around his ring finger. I realized that this was the first time I've seen his wedding band. I had to admit it was a little odd seeing him wear the piece of jewelry, especially since I know for a fact that he is mildly allergic to gold, but there it is. Regardless of the pain he has probably been going through, he puts up with it because he is a loving husband now, not just my brother. Yet again he makes sacrifices, all for the people he loves.
Slowly my anger deflated because really, how can you be mad at someone so selfless? I'll just yell at him later when he is functional, I decided.
I placed my hand over his hating the lack of reaction on his part and laced my fingers in his feeling my heart give a tug.
"The truth is," I began barely above a whisper, "I can't lose you, Ben. I've known you for twenty-two years, but that is not nearly enough."
The familiar tingle behind my eyes began as I gave his hand a squeeze.
"You are my brother, my only brother. But that's not all," I looked at the golden band. "You are a husband. You are a son. You are a friend. You are a--" I had to bite my tongue before I finished that sentence. I remembered that Danica told me that she hasn't informed Ben about being a father yet, and it was not my place to tell him. I wanted to, so badly, but I just couldn't.
Without realizing it I slowly started to sit back down in my chair.
"The doctor thinks you will come back around, and I believe them, but I almost know this isn't their battle. You have to pull through this as well. I'm not an expert in surviving plane crashes, but I know this won't be an easy recovery. Regardless you cannot give up, do you understand? You have too many people here that need you and love you. I-I need you," my lips started to quiver. "Maybe I'm being selfish, but you c-can't leave me here. Especially not alone with Mom and Dad. Those two are crazy! I would never do that to you, so you better not even think about it Benjamin Scott Miller."
I imagined he would agree with me and promise to try his best. I couldn't even think of him giving up for a second. That's not how my brother is.
"Dying is not an option," I spoke more seriously. "I refuse to be an only child. Do you even known how badly that would suck? It's just not the same without you. Hell, this world wouldn't be the same without you. You probably don't even realize it but you are all over the news, and not just because you survived the crash. I looked it up. All these places that you helped are praying for you, crying for you, keeping you in their thoughts. I saw it from Madagascar, to Zimbabwe, and yes, Argentina. You are so loved, so you can't go just yet. Not when there is so much you have to live for. So many things that you have to experience."
I leaned forward never letting his hand go. I had to use both of my hands to hold on to his one.
"And . . . there is someone very important in my life that I want you to meet," I looked down blushing. I don't know why I was trying to hide it, it's not like it mattered. But still I did. "I've wanted you to meet him for a while now, in truth. He is . . ." I let out a sigh, "he is a complicated man. He can be very arrogant, maybe more immature than you at times, but . . ." I looked back at the band around his finger. "I love him, Ben. I've never loved someone as much as I love him. And it would mean the world to me for you to finally meet him. Because in truth, you two are the most important men in my life. Plus Dad of course, but you two just understand me more. You both hold me together. I cannot go on without both of you in my lives. And I know you hated how Harris treated me. You said that I would meet the right guy one day who would treat me like I was his air supply," I gave him a small smile. "I found him."
I sat there knowing there would be no response, but for some reason I felt a thousand times better.
Maybe I shouldn't have been the first one to see Ben, but I really was glad that I did. I couldn't have said all of this to him in front of every one. Honestly it felt like a weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Sure it didn't go the way I wanted. I didn't want to get mad and yell at him, or cry, or spill my guts out, but I did. And I can't say that I regret it.
I was about to say something else to fill the silence when the door swung open and crashed against the wall.
I jumped and looked up to see a petite woman with long black hair and a hospital gown on staring at my brother. If this was a horror movie it would have definitely scared the shit out of me, but knowing who it was made me relax.
"Ben," she breathed sounding relieved. She took a few steps in before sliding her attention to me. Immediately she perked up and said, "Oh! Hello, Allison. I'm . . . sorry if I disturbed you--"
"Don't apologize, you do that too much," I smiled. "Aren't you supposed to be in bed, Danica?"
She didn't reply immediately, her eyes still glued to Ben. I wonder if that's what I looked like when I first came in, scared yet relived.
I didn't think she heard me until slowly she started to say, "Yes. But I got a few nurses distracted so I have a limited amount of time in here. I heard he was cleared for visitors and I couldn't . . . I just can't stay in . . . Allison I--"
I held up my hand cutting her off. "It's okay Danica, I understand."
She nodded loosening the tears from her eyes. The silence enveloped us again minus the monitors and Harry Potter yelling "Expecto Patronum!" in the background. Taking it as my cue I cleared my throat and got up from my seat.
"I'm going to let you guys have some privacy," I stepped aside from the bed. "You can take my seat. I'll make sure the nurses stay distracted."
She looked away from Ben and blinked a few times. "You don't have to do that."
"I want to," I spoke with certainty. "Besides, I'm sure Jasper is bored and would love to rattle up some nurses."
Particularly one in the lobby.
Her look of surprise melted into adoration. She may be banged up, but that didn't stop her from tackling me with a hug and squeezing the air out of my lungs.
"Thank you," she breathed.
Jeez if she's this affectionate about me terrorizing nurses I'm not sure I want to see what will make her joyful.
Slowly, I wrapped my arms around her small waist. "Any time, sis."
Danica pulled me back at arm's length to give me a final smile before turning to Ben. I couldn't ignore the fact that she was limping, but I wasn't about the get in the way of their reunion either. I know that if this were me and Jasper, there is nothing in the world that would separate us either.
Before shutting the door I watched as Danica completely ignored the chair and instead carefully curled up next to his body. She avoided all the tubes and rested her head against his chest.
Maybe it was my mind playing tricks on me, maybe I'm still a bit emotional, but right before I closed the door, I could have sworn I heard his heart monitor speed up.
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Author's Note: As I stated earlier, I have two brothers myself. I can't imagine seeing them in the hospital bed like Ben. I would be a blubbering mess the entire time. Although they get on my nerves, they are still my brothers and I love them.
While I'm here I want to address something: I know this story is a romance, but I wanted to emphasize that Allison has a life outside of Jasper. I don't like reading romance novels where the family is completely forgotten after they find their prince charming. Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's because my family is close, but I still think it it's important.
+Questions: How do you feel about Allison and Ben? Do you think he will pull through? And what about Ben and Danica? Honestly, I threw them together back in the chapter Promotion, but the more I play with their characters the more I love it.
+Fun Facts: If you want to learn more about Danica (or any character) check out her bio in "Meet the Characters" located in Forbidden Extras (it has fun stuff in there). It also has a chapter dedicated to how Ben and Danica met including his time in his coma. Super fluffy and sweet! Made me tear up a few times, no lie.
In the meantime, if you are enjoying this story please consider leaving a vote! As always I would love to hear your thoughts so comment away my loves!
Sincerely,
Snow