I hate thinking about the past. All of those memories with my mom and dad, then the ones with Joe and Caspar. They all just balance out with the bad memories of Luke and Loss. For every good thing that happens to me there's a bad one to follow.
As I sit here, cross legged, looking out onto the street while sitting on Joe's bed, I'm realizing this. Maybe if I nothing good happens to me, then nothing bad will either. It will be neutral. Just a simple, tragedy-free life.
"Lo? Do you mind if Oli comes over?" Caspar asks as he trots down the stairs. That nickname, I hate it.
"I don't mind," I mumble, sinking deeper into the sheets of Joe's bed. They're starting to lose his scent...
Caspar's way of recovering is to distract himself with other things. It's quite the opposite of my method, since I just soak in my sorrow until I fall asleep. I can't help but think that It's my fault for everything that's happened. Wouldn't you?
I mean, the entire media is focused on Joe's disappearance. His fans are going crazy and trying to find him themselves, Zoe is getting panic attacks way more often then she used to, Alfie is extremely worried about her, Oli is spending his days trying to think of possible places Joe could be, Marcus and Niomi are trying to think positive, Caspar is trying to work away everything, and I, being the one to already go through this, am just watching it all happen. I can't even do anything to help it either!
DING
The doorbell breaks my deep thinking and I let a a sigh. I have to figure something out, before someone else gets hurt.
"Lo? Can you get that please?" Caspar calls. The nickname again.
"Yeah!" I reply, dragging myself from Joe's bed and jogging up the stairs.
I quickly check the video monitor to make sure it's Oli before opening the door.
"Oi!" Oli cheers greeting me. Both Oli and I don't know each other that well, but I can tell he's a great friend.
"How are you?" I smile and he pulls me into a giant bear hug.
"I'm doing pretty well. How are you?" He asks and I can hear the concern in his voice.
"Better," I lie, tugging at the hem of my t-shirt. He gives me a friendly smile before greeting Caspar once he makes it upstairs.
"What's up, bro?" Caspar chuckles, giving him a fist bump.
"You know, just the usual stuff. You guys sure looks like you've been having the time of your life," Oli jokes, only resulting in an awkward laugh from Caspar.
"Well, I'll leave you guys to whatever you want to do," I say, making my way towards the stairs.
"No! We were gonna watch a film with popcorn and stuff! We'll let you choose," Caspar smiles and I nod my head.
"Fine, but I hate making decisions, so I'm not choosing," I point out, running over to the couch and plopping down.
"Let's watch a funny film then, I think we all need a good laugh," Oli suggests. Ya think?
30 minutes into the movie and I already want to break down into tears. Luckily, Caspar and Oli are crying of laughter, which makes it easy to disguise them. Just smile through the tears.
We decided to watch SpongeBob the Movie. It's the old one, so Joe isn't doing any of the voiceovers, but it still makes me think of him. He loved all of those quirky opportunities he got through YouTube, and now he can't get any. I sniffle and Caspar looks over at me.
'I'm fine,' I mouth to him, smiling wider than needed. He raises and eyebrow and I motion that I'm crying from laughter and he grins at me. Another ping of guilt washes over since I know I'm lying. I've learned that it's not good to keep your emotions to yourself, but it's still hard trying to tell someone too.
"Alright you two, I'm gonna head out," Oli yawns getting up from the couch.
"See you soon, buddy," Caspar smiles, giving him a high five.
"If Joe comes back, we are throwing him the biggest party he's ever seen," Oli gives me a reassuring smile and I almost gasp at his words. If. I quickly hide my initial feeling and give him a smile.
"See ya," I say quietly, not trusting my voice to speak louder or say any more. Oli nods and exits the apartment.
If, if, if, if, keeps echoing through my mind and I can't shake it. Why would he say if? Doesn't he know how sensitive the subject is? Just don't mention it at all if your gonna say something like that!
"Lo, I know your tears weren't from laughing," Caspar touches my shoulder lightly.
"Well dang it. I thought I was the best actress in the world," I attempt a joke but it falls flat.
"Hey, you can be whatever you want to be because you are awesome," Caspar says in a funny voice and I start to laugh.
"I wish you'd laugh more, your laugh makes me laugh," Caspar grins and I laugh even more. Why am I laughing so hard? I furrow my eyebrows and then realize that I'm not even laughing anymore. I somehow went from laughing to crying within 5 seconds... (Authors note: OF SUMMER. Sorry, continue)
"Hey! I was trying to make you laugh," Caspar hugs me and I bundle part of his shirt in my fist. My mind is swirling with words I can't comprehend. If. Gone. Loss. Forever. Permanent. Fault. Sadness. Falling. Never. Sadness. Joe. Sadness. Love. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness. Sadness.
"Harlow! Just breath," Caspar coos but I can't calm myself down. The only thing I'm able to feel is sadness, and I'm sick of feeling sad all the damn time!
"Lo?" Caspar pulls from the hug and cups my face in his hands. My green eyes search his blue eyes for what he's feeling.
"Please, Lo. You need to try to get over this," Caspar practically begs and I stifle a cry.
"Lo?" He says the nickname again and I just about lose it. My lip trembles as I look into his ocean like eyes, attempting to find comfort, but I'm literally just drowning in a sea of my own sadness.
"Can you at least tell me what your thinking?" Caspar questions, brushing his thumb along my cheek as he continues to hold my face in his hands. I remove my hand from my lap and grab his wrist, squeezing it.
"I'm drowning, Casp," I choke out truthfully.
"Drowning?" He raises his eyebrow in question.
"I'm literally drowning in a sea of my own thoughts! All I feel is sadness," I sob, gripping his wrist even tighter.
"Lo," Caspar sighs and his breath brushes against my face. That frigging nickname.
I blink away the tears as I start to gain composure of myself. But gaining composure still doesn't wash away my tear stained cheeks. Neither does it get rid of the thoughts swirling around in my mind. Like, what if Joe never comes back? What if Joe hates me? What if this is all my fault? What if Joe's family blames me? What if Caspar hates me? Why are Caspar and I so close right now?
My sudden question catches me off guard and I notice Caspar and I's close proximity. I loosen my grip on Caspar's wrist and just stair into his eye's. My gaze flickers for a bit, down to his lips but they don't linger there.
Sadness, sadness, sadness. I need to feel something.
Sadness, sadness, sadness. If I don't feel another emotion soon I'm gonna lose it.
"Lo?" Caspar's voice lingers in the air. He uses that nickname too much, but it sounds so much like Joe saying it.
"Caspar?" I whisper almost so quietly that he can't hear. What am I thinking right now?
"Hm?" He hums quietly and I look deeply into his eyes.
"Kiss me,"
"Wha-what?"
"Just fücking kiss me,"
~•~•~•~•~
Tis the season to be jolly, FA LA LA LA LA, LA LA LA LA
Xo, TextingSuggs