『EDITED』
Previously
My mind tried to decide, with my gaze stays with her eyes. I tried to think it through, what could be better for us. I wanted it, we needed this. Yet one thing have spin around my mind, and that was the question I wanted to answer. How can I tell her without breaking her heart?
"Have a date with me today," I blurred out "after that, I have something to tell you."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sophia
Life is never been so merciful towards me, I even think it gave me it's full attention, knowing every turn I make, it always been there, waiting to play with me. It always fucked me up by making this illusion I can't define, it makes this illusion I call happiness.
I knew to myself being selfish brings more happiness, that only told givers always lose. Yet, even I marked this motto in me, I still ignore it and still try to do good, to give greatest in people's life.
Yet, a question that roam in my stays unanswered. What is this, what is that, what are these, what are those... What is life?
Distance is painful, especially when you carve to embrace the one you love yet cannot only because she live in the other side of this planet. It's hard to bare the fact that you can't even see her with no screen between you two, and the fact that she's there and your here always been hard to think of.
But distance isn't really that bad, it sometimes lead us to the world where we could find our self, our lost self. We find something new without the eyes of the known, and we sometimes finally had this thing that boost us to the person we want to be.
I too, wanted distance. I wanted to be away from everything just to find anything that could lead me seeing another point of view in life. But, I find myself wondering, would everything be the same when I left?
Would they stay the same to me when I return finally?
She stays quiet, taking my statement in. "Wh-what?" She asks me, confusion in her eyes.
I recall my mother's words to me just this morning, her bidding of me coming with her back into the Philippines. It was my chance to be free from everything and a chance for me to think this through.
In where I stand now, my mind only say one thing for myself to know.
Coward...
"What do you say, love. Would you go out with me again today?" I said, giving her a small smile.
Her gaze stays with mine, reading me as if I was an open book. She knew, something was up, and by the looks of it, she's curious. I know what I'm doing have a prize that I needed to pay after, knowing that I'm taking the root of where a minute shall passed with me gone to their sight.
Such coward I am, am I? Running away, hoping that I escape my problems.
Finally, she nod, taking my offer. I smile, quite happy she accept. I lean in and kiss her temple as I caress her cheek. "I'll pick you in a hour." I mumble, resting my forehead with hers. Her eyes gaze up on me, begging me not to let go yet I did, taking a step back.
"I need you to go and get ready. Just wear something that's comfortable, okay?"
Her eyes didn't left mine, and mine didn't move an inch away from hers. I smile at her, assuring her. She smile finally, now stepping back. She turn around, headed to her car. In each steps feel so heavy, like my breath have lessen more, like my lungs feel it's being clinch tightly.
I miss her already.
Her warmth that I find so comforting have been my home, and being away, watching her walk away, feel so rough. I hesitate, my body moving forward yet stop as I realize what it was gonna do. No, I can't.
I wanted to stop her getting inside her car, I wanted to embrace her, love her and kiss her until everything ends. I wanted to tell her I love her, that I don't want her to go. Yet here I am, standing so cowardly with the fear of losing myself while I have her with me.
Is this for the better?
As she open the door of the driver seat, she glance towards my way again, her eyes have begged me to run into her and embrace, and even though I wanted to, I just stand there, smiling at her. She smile back, making my knees feel so weak. How did you affect me this why without even knowing it?
She then mouth the word "I love you," and my heart filled with happiness. I touch the fabric of my cloth, mouthing "I love you too," back to her. By that, she got inside her car and start to drove back into the road.
I waited there, watching her fade in my sight. I sigh, releasing the breath I didn't know I was holding. I made my way back inside the house, where silent roam in each walls and echo into the halls. I lean into the door, resting my shaking body.
I breath in and out, calming myself. Tears drop down into the floor as soon I realize I was crying. Why am I crying? Why can't I cease this regretful tears? Why am I doing this? Why am I hurting not only me but most importantly her?
I made my way back into my room, slowly as I take each steps in the stairs. My mind have dwell into my thoughts, fuzzing around like a bouncing ball. It wouldn't stop, not even a second nor minute.
I had a quick shower, making myself presentable. I wore a gray, sleeveless halter and paired it with a black skinny jeans. I got a black leather biker shoes, which I haven't wore for a long while now, it only have a one inch heel so it wasn't hard to walk on. I got into my closet and look for my leather jacket.
I tied my hair into a lower ponytail, leaving my bangs hanging. Satisfied with my image, I then search for my phone. I then found it downstairs, at the living room above the table. I then dial Sora's number, knowing I needed some help from someone I could trust.
For the fourth ring, he finally accept my call. "What do you want now?" He said, groaning a little. I roll my eyes and laugh a little.
"Hey, are you busy today?" I asks him, and knowing that he's either out of his apartment or laying in his couch watching Netflix with pizza only to accompany him, he wouldn't be that busy.
"No, just hanging in the couch though, why you ask?"
"Could I ask for a favor? But it's okay if you don't wanna."
"It actually depends on the favor..." He said, yawn a little.
"It's a long story..." I mumble.
"I got time." He insist as I hear some rustle in a other side. I then sigh, telling him my situation about Pamela and my mother. He keep quiet and just listen for likely
5 minutes of me talking over the phone. I didn't let a single detail go, knowing I would be asking what could be his opinion about all of this.
"I just don't know how to tell her..." I mutter, seriously filled with guilt.
He sigh and keep quiet for a moment, thinking of anything at all. With each second pass, I get nervous with thoughts running into my head. Am I doing something wrong? Is this wrong?
"Alright, but are you sure about this?" He said, and in the back of my mind, I picture him frowning, eyes disagreeing, mind deciding.
"I-I don't..." I whisper, "know."
A voice in the other side called out Sora's name, making my mind be known of the another presence in the line. "Hang on! I'll be there a sec!" Sora shouted, obviously trying to cover the microphone in his phone. "Hey, um. I'll be there in a minute, okay?" He said, now talking to me.
"Alright," I said, as simple as it sounds. I hang up, and grab the spare key of the house and the key of my motorcycle. I decided to wait outside, knowing there would be no business needed inside the house.
Likely 10 minutes, I saw his yellow vehicle parking into a few steps away from where I stand. I jog towards his car and gesture him to bring his windows down. "Hey," I greet as soon the window was fully down.
A chorus of hey was said by two, looking at the passenger seat was a red-headed girl who I know was totally familiar for my sight to see. Shock and confuse, I absentminded stare at the girl with my mind asking why was she here.
Her round-like shaped head, her chubby yet rosy skin, her hooded amber eyes, her thin pick-like lips, and her red hair that have been put up in a pigtail wasn't hard to forget. "A-Alexis?" I shutter, still confuse of the fact her presence was not just near, but was with Sora.
"She said she wanna come with," Sora said, likely not giving any explanation at all. Yet, knowing we were running out of time, I just let them do what they want. I let them know what they have to do and where I would be with Pamela.
We had a little argument, making me waste another 20 minutes, which only means that I was already late for my arrival. Thankfully we end up being okay as we talked it out, with a little help of Alexis which I am thankful.
I got into my bike and start the engine. Not wasting more time, I quickly drove off into the road with Sora and Alexis behind me. Yet, before heading towards the Irriano's properties, I stop by to some flower shop and pick up some white roses, she told be she was fond to white roses and it become mine as well.
I then come back to the road. As I arrive, the very first person I greet with was Joshua, the one and only hell of a butler of the Irriano. He gave me his signature smirk, making me roll my eyes at him playfully.
"Good afternoon, miss Sophia. It's nice to see you again." He said, keeping up his smirk as he slightly lower his upper body.
I shown him a smile, returning his greet after. "Good afternoon to you too, Joshua. It have been a while and if I remember correctly, I told you before that you don't need to do such gestures. I don't recall being a royal blood like the queen of England, Joshua." I joke, chuckling a little after my statement.
"And please, enough with the 'miss' thing, it's getting into my nerve." I added, punching him at his shoulder gently, hoping I wouldn't hurt him. He pout yet chuckle at our play of polite words. "Stop that, it's disgusting." I said, stating his pursed lips. He laugh lightly with me.
"Are you here for miss Pamela?" He asks as he finish his laughter.
I nod saying, "Yes, I've invited her to accompany me for tonight."
"Well then, would you like to come in?" I nod once again. We then headed inside, with him insisting on opening the door by himself. "Wait here for a moment while I inform her with your presence." He said, disappearing as he climb into the stairs.
I waited here in the living room as I comfortable seat into the couch. The fire was light up, warming up the place. I remember the days where the trio and I have played here, we used to wrestle like children who haven't had their puberty, I remember some of the party we had before all of this and some of the games we have done as wild teenagers.
Pretty much everything have changed, everyone have been thinking in different ways as we all live in different path. Jason, who I know for was up for being a chief, now is working in his father's hand as trainer for holding up the companies he soon hold.
Sora, who I knew is a dimwit and an 'I don't care for the God sake' kinda person he is, is now seem to be more well, mature and actually thinking about life. Oh god, I kinda feel stupid for some point about this.
Kevin actually knows him more than I ever did but Sora always been with me, only more silent about what he's up to...
Kevin...
I then begin to feel conscious of his presence absent in the mansion. Even though the hall is long, the walls so thick, rooms so many and floor cut in three. Even though this place is a mansion, I'm so sure he isn't here.
Footsteps then begin to sing from the distance, looking up to the second floor, a girl in a split sleeve blue shirt, a asymmetrical black skirt, and a white classic knee-high shoe stands so elegant at the top of the stairs. I could feel my jaw slightly opening only because of the beauty I see. It shock me, it still shock me of how beautiful she could be in any cloth she wore.
She gaze into me, a smile on her lips so heavenly. She took her steps down the stairs, my mind playing the scenario so slow. Her beauty have felt so unreal yet so familiar, it's there, always been there but in just in her face nor body nor her clothing, but in her heart, in her mind and her soul.
It's there, perfectly living into this world of madness. In each steps she take, my heart beats. It was waiting for her to get nearer for my arm to embrace, for my heart to love and for my mind to remember.
It was bringing my eyes into tears of joy, tears that define how happy I am to able to be called hers. A touch of her skin have woken me up into my daze, her smile so bright, taking away the dark in me.
She knew, the reason for my tears to shred. She rest her forehead in mine, the gesture of showing her love, my heart felt so free, so warm with her love. She embrace me then, just letting my tears be flood down my face.
I shouldn't yet I did. I've been trying to stand for myself, trying to figure out everything by myself. I cried, only in front of her to see how weak I could be. Yet, I didn't mind her knowing, after all, she already knew how hard it is to act so strong in the moment of needs.
After the tears have calm down, I whisper in her ears, "Mi amor..." my hands was tightly warp in her but not tight enough to stop her breathing. "My mind is wild with thoughts, I've come into many conclusion that I don't wanna know if true or not yet I still want to know what cause all of this to happen..." I mutter, likely rambling words.
"Love, I'm sorry for keeping this for myself." Pamela spoke, leaning away only to be face to face with me. "I too, was afraid of what could happen. Thinking that my
brother was right when he said it was for the better. I never intend for you to be so clueless with this, my attention was only to keep you happy through days where I am filled with worries. Selfish it may sound, but I want to you with only a smile cross your lips."
"I'm sorry..." She said again, hope flashes into her eyes.
"I'm sorry too..." I mutter, leaning into her.
For being such a coward for you...
We both headed outside, with her insisting on taking her car while with my strength of not being being able to say no to her we took it on the road. Yet, knowing that I'm the only one who knew where we're going, I told her that I'll be driving instead of her.
She didn't disagree, she gave me the keys and let me drive. What caught my eyes as we both drive in silent, was her phone blowing up in every second. "Who is it anyway?" I ask her, my sight still on the road yet in the corner in my eyes I watch her.
"It's Jason, actually." She admit, holding her phone up but still not showing the message to me.
"What, why?" I ask her, slightly getting confuse of the fact their messaging each other. For how long? I ask myself, wondering when the messaging have started.
She sigh, and tried to push to subject away. Yet, even though I carve for information, I did what she wish for me to do. As the silent once again warp us, the flashback before I left begin to plays into my head.
"I understand what you're feeling, but isn't this somehow sounding crazy?" He asks me, standing just a foot away from his car.
"I know what I'm doing is stupid, Sora, but for once I want to be selfish about what I feel." I insist, my voice somehow rising.
"The fuck are you saying? You're always been selfish about your feelings!" He shouted, catching me off guard. I quickly stop my track and turn back to face him.
"The fact that you fell in love with her have brought me and Jason down, you know that yet you ignored it!" He again shouted, his voice filled with no anger but sadness. "You didn't even talked to us, you begin to decided on your own."
"What the fuck are you talking about? Are you telling me deciding to love someone is wrong, huh! Just because you have feelings for me doesn't mean I have one for
you too!" I bark back at him, anger is what I felt inside as I point my finger on him.
"Y-you..."
"Yes, I do, Sora..." I mutter, still thinking with anger. I then took a deep breath before speaking again. "I fucking did, I'm just too afraid that if I say no, you'll go and
leave us without saying anything..."
"But I wouldn't!" He said, defending his side.
"How could I know!?" I said back to him, feeling frustrated with anger. "You always been silent with everything about you, acting so mysterious about your life and
what you do. And the fact the only I knew about you is that you always eat pizza isn't much surprising because you never really spoken to me in a deep conversation."
"Well sorry for keeping things for myself the---"
"Guys!" A voice shouted, stopping Sora from continuing his sentence. We all turn our head towards the voice, only to see Alexis now outside of the car. "Vous deux regardez comme chiens de défense d'avoir la saison des amours!"
She shouting, stating that me and Sora was looking like dogs who's argument was all about dog's mating season. And of course, with her shouting it made it more awkward to take in. "What?..." Sora asks, obviously not knowing what the hell Alexis just stated us to be.
Yet, looking back at the argument, it seem she was stating some facts. Knowing that, I couldn't help but gave out a light laugh. Yet the laugh begin to get harder, I hold into my stomach, laughing it all out.
While Sora, who didn't know what was going on now, just stands there looking back and forth at me and Alexis. "Oh mon dieu, je ne peux pas arrêter..." I mutter, my knees feeling a little weak because of my laughter.
Soon, Sora and I made up. I said my sorry and he said his.
Pamela and I then arrive at the Coney Island, and before we begin our journey through the amusement park, I park the car in the east parking and made sure it was secured. Pamela and I gone through the very first gate we saw, likely giving us the access to see the lake.
The place were crowed but not enough to bother me. Pamela and I firstly walked into the boardwalk, taking the view of the lake as our hands warp together. The two of us tried to forget what happen before and what would happen after this.
We then had fun with the B&B Carousel, we then decided to go to Deno's Wonder Wheel Amusement Park. We rode the Ferris Wheel and with her slightly having the fear of height had hold my hand as I contain my laughter as we go for some rounds. I did enjoy the raid called Python, and Pamela have said she does too.
We rode the under rides too, like the Trabant which I didn't much enjoy much, the Super Round Up, Scrambler and finally the Tilt-A-Whirl. Before we decided to eat, we had a little walk around more and spotted the Bumper Cars and quickly the two of us gone there and bump each other with the cars.
We then decided to eat to the restaurant we saw at the Boardwalk, It was named Place to Beach, weird name but the meals were good. I had a steak burrito and some coke to drink while Pam had a Fresh Nachos and some soda too.
We then watch so baseball at The Brooklyn Cyclones, I wasn't a fan but I enjoy the show. The game took hours but it was enjoyable, and it was for Pam knowing that she was cheering with the fellow audience.
It was funny to watch yet she didn't mind my laughter instead she join me. Pamela and I then head back to the beach, and then took a rest on the sand with, of course, a blanket underneath us.
We brought some shakes with us on the way here, it was tasteful and favorable. The sun have let us feel warmth as it begins to slowly fade as it sets down. Pamela was sitting down while my head rest on her soft laps. She giggle to a joke I just told her and the conclusion I have for Sora and Alexis.
"I mean, she suddenly pop out of nowhere." I said, watching her as she giggle. A smile creep out of my face without my notice.
"Then what happen?" She asks me, showing full interest in our topic.
"Well, it took me by surprise of course but it's totally obvious that those two are gonna make babies." I joke once again, hoping that Sora would hear what we were talking about. I've told to Sora not only to follow us as we head here at the Coney Island but to follow as through the whole day.
I just hope this wouldn't turn as bad as it would be.
I poke on my nose then awoke me from my thinking, and looking up, I see her smiling so happily. "Hey," She whisper as she doesn't want anyone to hear her calls for me.
"Hey," I whisper back to her.
"What is it?" She asks.
Knowing that she was stating what could be running into my head, I shook my head no while saying, "It's nothing, love."
"Nothing could be everything, you know that right?"
I smile once again, now sitting up. "What's wrong, Sofie?" She called out for me again, now her voice full of not only concern but curiosity. I face her, likely afraid to what to say to her.
Would it be wrong to speak to finally speak out loud, to speak what's on your mind?
The two of us staring each other remain for likely a minute but not until two voice spoke up saying both thing at the same time. "I-I have something to tell you."