One of the worst things about being an actress, aside from demanding schedules, was the lingering emotional drain that came after shooting an emotional scene. This week, for example, Krystal's character in the drama was suffering from heartbreak after being rejected by her love interest. Even though Krystal was only acting, the drama scenes left an impact on her heart that felt quite real.
As her manager was driving her home that night, Krystal was feeling more depressed now than the day she returned from the SMTown Tokyo concerts a little over a week ago. That had been a tough day for Krystal as she wrestled with the idea that she might be in love with Amber, that Amber might love her back, that they would face adversity as a couple if they got together, and that she might lose Amber forever if their relationship didn't work out. But worst of all was the thought that she might love Amber but Amber might not love her back. After all, Krystal had not definitively confirmed that Amber was actually in love with her. At this point, it was still just a hunch.
But as much as Krystal worried about her relationship with Amber and worried about their feelings for each other, one thing was still true: Amber was one of her closest friends and she missed being with Amber. The emotional drain from the drama had heightened the emotion even further tonight, and Krystal decided that she didn't want to go home and be by herself right now.
"Oppa," Krystal called out to her manager, who was driving. He turned his head slightly in her direction to indicate that he was listening while still keeping his eyes on the road.
"Hmm? What's up, Soo Jung?"
"Can you drop me off at Amber's place?"
"Amber's place? At this hour?" he asked, glancing at the time. "It's 11 o'clock. Who visits a friend at 11 o'clock?"
"Young people do it all the time, ahjussi," Krystal responded, jokingly calling her manager "uncle" to insult his age.
"Yeah, yeah," he said with a smile. "I can drop you off, but only if you get Amber's permission first. And you have to tell your parents that I'm not bringing you home tonight."
"Wow, oppa, you're so responsible."
"More like I'm covering my own ass. Your parents are going to eat me alive if anything happens to their precious daughter," he explained, but the seemingly impersonal response didn't fool Krystal. She and the other members knew that their f(x) managers cared deeply for them.
Obediently, Krystal first sent a text to Amber and waited for the reply. Amber sent it seconds later, inviting her to come over and to spend the night if she wanted.
"See, oppa? We young people like to stay up late." She showed him Amber's reply while they were stopped at a red light.
"OK," he nodded. "But tell your parents, too."
Krystal sent a text to her parents, but did not expect an immediate response. It was more likely that they were already sleeping and she would need to call them in order to wake them up and get their permission.
"Can you just head to Amber's place for now? I'll call my parents when we get there if they haven't replied yet. Pleeeease?" Krystal begged.
With such potent aegyo so late at night, her manager had no choice but to grant her wish. And to Krystal's delight, her mom responded just before they arrived at Amber's place and gave Krystal permission to sleep at Amber's.
"Well," her manager said, stopping the van so she could get out. "Have fun with Amber. I would tell you not to stay up too late, but I see you have no concept of 'late'. Do you want to stop by your parents' house in the morning before your schedule?"
"Mmm... I think I'll leave directly from Amber's apartment. It'll give me more time to sleep."
"OK," her manager agreed. I'll pick you up at 7." Krystal waved to her manager and walked towards the apartment building.
Not many people knew it, but Krystal actually had a key to Amber's apartment. As Amber didn't have any family in Korea, the English-speaking Jung family was a surrogate family of sorts, especially in Amber's early years of living in Korea. After f(x) moved out of their dorm into separate apartments, Amber had left a key with Krystal's family for emergencies. That key was now in Krystal's possession for her own personal use, not that anybody minded.
Krystal quietly let herself into the building and climbed the stairs up to Amber's floor. Amber was waiting for her when she got there. The older girl was standing just outside of her apartment with JackJack and GongJu, her two chihuahuas, under each arm. Once she saw Krystal, she smiled and put her dogs down. They charged full force at Krystal and jumped into her open arms. She pulled them to her tightly, letting them slobber all over her face.
"I haven't seen you guys in so long!" Krystal cooed in a baby voice, snuggling them tightly as she walked over to Amber. "I haven't seen you so long either," she said to Amber, still using the baby voice.
"That's a little creepy," Amber said with a grin. She gently placed her hand on Krystal's back and guided her into the apartment. "Come on in."
"Thanks," Krystal said, setting Amber's dogs down.
"You hungry?" Amber asked. "Want something to drink?"
"Nah, I'm good. But I'll take some sleep, please."
"Yeah, sure. My bed is your bed," Amber replied, which was literally true as Krystal always slept in Amber's bed when she spent the night, while Amber slept on the spare air mattress. "I was wondering why you were stopping by so late. You just needed a place to crash?"
"Do you mind?" Krystal asked apologetically, to which Amber shook her head. "I could have just gone home to sleep, but we haven't seen each other since we flew back last week and I... I just really wanted to see you."
"Of course I don't mind. I wanted to see you, too." They smiled at each other and held their gaze for just a tad longer than was usual for them. "So," Amber said after a moment, breaking the silence, "you wanna get ready for bed?"
Much like they had done in Tokyo, they brushed their teeth together again while making faces and generally bothering each other and prolonging their bedtime preparations. Krystal had a small stash of sleepwear and streetwear at Amber's apartment for unexpected sleepovers like this one tonight. She quickly changed, hopped into Amber's bed, and dove under Amber's covers.
"I assume you're too tired to want to stay up late playing games or watching movies?" Amber asked teasingly, seeing how tired Krystal looked. Amber picked up her stuffed toy named "Mr. Bread" and tossed it to Krystal who deftly caught him and hugged him tightly.
"Another night," Krystal promised, squishing Mr. Bread's cheeks.
"Suit yourself!" Amber replied, climbing onto the air mattress and bouncing on it a few times. She reached up to her nightstand to turn out the light, but Krystal reached out a hand to stop her.
"Wait, um... can you sleep with me again tonight?"
"Again?" Amber wondered, hesitating slightly.
"We don't have to if you don't want to," Krystal quickly offered. "It's just that the last scene I shot tonight was really depressing. It just made me feel so lonely and I don't want to be alone tonight..."
"What was the scene?" Amber asked.
"My character was drunk at a bar by herself because her love interest dumped her without telling her why."
Amber winced sympathetically. "Ouch, that sounds really rough." She started to climb into bed with Krystal, although the younger girl was looking more apologetic than pleased that she had gotten her way. "Don't worry, it's not like I didn't want to sleep with you. I was just worried that this was becoming a habit and you wouldn't be able to sleep well without someone in bed with you anymore."
"Possibly," Krystal agreed. "But that's what stuffed animals are for."
"OK, then tonight I will be your Am-bear!"
Krystal rolled her eyes and threw Mr. Bread at Amber's face to punish her for the bad pun. Amber caught the toy and put him on the air mattress with a grin. "Lights out, ok?" she asked, turning the lights out upon receiving Krystal's nod.
"Amber?" Krystal asked after they had settled into bed.
"Hm?"
"Do you think it's possible for two people to love each other but not be able to be with each other?"
"Why do you ask?" Amber wondered, rolling over to face Krystal in the darkness.
In reality, Krystal had been thinking about this question since they got back from Tokyo. She kept telling herself that she was unsure about her feelings for Amber, but in reality Krystal was scared to admit how she felt. So rather than being honest with Amber now, she continued to hide behind vague questions.
"My character and Rain-oppa's characters are in this kind of situation," Krystal lied, using her drama as an excuse. "Our characters are in love with each other, but various circumstances are keeping them apart."
"I guess it's possible, but I think that if two people that love each other and can't be together, it's more likely that the love is one-sided or unequal. If one person loves the other person much more and the love is unbalanced, it can cause problems because one person might feel like they're giving more love than they're receiving while the other person might feel like they're receiving too much love and feel burdened."
Krystal let Amber's wise response sink in before asking softly. "Do you think that there's something that can be done to rebalance that love?"
"Maybe..." Amber replied slowly, "I think it depends on the people involved, but it's likely not always possible. Especially in one-sided loves. There's no chance for these kinds of relationships to work out. But hopefully the person in love cares enough about the other person that the person in love can think "I hope that my love interest can find happiness with someone else" instead of selfishly trying to force their feelings upon the other person."
Amber looked past Krystal as she spoke, sad and almost wistful. It broke Krystal's heart to hear her speak that way. As Amber turned to look at her again, Krystal noticed a sadness in Amber's eyes that she had never noticed before.
"How about we end this sad talk right here?" Amber decided. "You came here for sleep and I'm sure gonna make sure that this is the best night's sleep you've ever gotten." She pulled the covers up to Krystal's chin and tapped her affectionately on the nose.
"Thanks," Krystal whispered, but her thoughts were elsewhere. She had been struggling so much with her own personal turmoil that Krystal hadn't really thought about Amber's struggles. If Krystal's hunch was right and Amber did have feelings for her, then Amber believed that her love for Krystal was one-sided. The longer that Krystal held back her true feelings, the longer Amber would suffer on her own. Or rather, the longer they would both suffer on their own.
Amber feel asleep quickly while Krystal lay awake, thinking about love and relationships. Her loneliness was building now, and she realized that she didn't even get a chance to hug Amber while they were awake. She slowly rolled to her side and watched Amber's peacefully sleeping form. Selfishly, knowing that she could pretend like she was asleep if Amber woke up, Krystal placed her head on Amber's chest and wrapped her arms around Amber body. Krystal felt guilty and ashamed of her cowardice, but it felt good to have Amber's warmth against her, momentarily alleviating her loneliness.
Amber stirred beneath her, mumbling sleepily as Krystal woke her with the hug. "Mmm? Soo Jung?" Amber mumbled. "You're on my side again."
For fear of revealing that she was awake, Krystal stayed where she was on top of Amber wordlessly. She wondered if Amber would roll her back to her side of the bed.
"Soo Jung-ah?" Amber sleepily asked again after a moment. Krystal could feel Amber lift her head, possibly watching her sleep . "Well I promised you a good night's sleep," Amber whispered, "so you can sleep like this tonight." She placed a gentle kiss on the top of Krystal's head.
A profound wave of guilt and sadness washed over Krystal upon Amber's actions. Impulsively, using her best rendition of a sleepy voice, Krystal mumbled back, "I really love you, Am."
"Not like I do," came Amber's sad, sleepy reply, "but I love you, too."
Amber fell asleep again soon after, once again leaving Krystal alone with her thoughts. Despite all the reservations she had, Krystal now vowed to tell Amber the truth about her feelings. She was scared of what this might do to their friendship, but she was even more scared of Amber feeling like she was alone in this.
When Krystal finally managed to fall asleep that night, it was a fitful sleep that was dominated by a vivid dream. She dreamt that she admitted her feelings to Amber and they started dating, but their relationship didn't work out. It was a terrible breakup that Amber couldn't accept it, so Amber disappeared from her life forever with a broken heart.
"Soo Jung-ah?" Amber whispered, shaking Krystal gently. Krystal's dream-addled brain slowly surfaced from sleep and she opened her eyes to find Amber above her, looking down at her worriedly.
Still confused by the dream in which Amber had left her, Krystal wondered why Amber was here now. But she was grateful for Amber's presence all the same. "Amber?" Krystal asked, going to hug Amber without hesitation. "Why are you here?"
"You were having a dream," Amber soothingly explained, rubbing her back gently. "You were crying."
"I was?" Krystal asked, touching her wet cheeks for confirmation. She held Amber even tighter after remembering what she had dreamt.
"Yeah, but it's just a dream. It's not real," Amber murmured into her ears.
Krystal nodded, but the tears continued to roll down her cheeks. She held onto Amber tightly, praying that no matter what happened in the future, Amber would remain in her life and the dream would never come true.