Warnings: Not much, really... probably angst and sadness? (Is that even a warning?)
➶ Was loving me just
a phase for you? ➴
"I love you."
Joe's eyes flickered up and away from the screen of his laptop and Caspar watched him wearily, he noticed the way that Joe tried his hardest to mask the surprise on his face - it was there for a second and then gone in a flash, replaced by a blank expression that Joe wore more often than not these days. Caspar could still hear the words echoing in the back of his mind, ghostly whispers that reminded him that something was wrong and urged him to do something to fix it. The truth was, Caspar didn't really know how to fix it, he didn't have a solution to the problem... he only knew that he had to confront it head-on.
"I know you do." Joe said eventually, after a few minutes of silence between the two boys, silence that had stretched on for miles and miles.
Caspar's heart fell slightly but he composed himself quickly, his mind telling him that he had been expecting Joe to give him this answer. For the past few days, Caspar had been the only one saying those three, empty words in their relationship and he had questioned them every time he had said them to Joe. If there was one thing Caspar had learnt about being in a relationship, it was that it worked both ways and it could only work both ways if both people committed to it, if both people were honest. Caspar hadn't exactly been honest to himself when he had first realized this feeling growing inside of him, he had tried to deny it and put it down to the fact that Joe was tired, he was stressed, he was busy... but the excuses were endless and then, he admitted to himself that there was a strange rift between him and his boyfriend.
Their relationship was becoming one-sided.
"Why don't you say it back?" Caspar asked hesitantly, his voice hoarse.
"I do say it back."
"No, you don't," Caspar whispered, shifting on the couch so that he could face Joe properly, no matter how much he didn't want to look into his beautiful, turquoise eyes and see the truth. "Not really."
"Caspar," Joe sighed, closing his laptop and glancing over at the younger boy. "Can we not do this right now?"
"Do what?"
"You know what you're doing!" Joe replied, his voice shaking at the end of the exclamation. He placed his laptop on the coffee table and stretched his legs out in front of him before reaching for the T.V remote.
Caspar was quicker and he snatched the remote away from Joe, placing it out of his reach. There was no way that Joe would avoid this conversation, no matter how hard he tried. It wasn't like Caspar wanted to have this conversation either but he was following his brain, he was following his heart, he was following every doubt he had inside of him and although he didn't want to get hurt... he just needed to know what was going on between them. "When do you want to do it then, Joe?"
"Give me the remote, Caspar!" Joe reached for the remote but Caspar tossed it away and it landed on the floor. They scrambled for the object but Caspar kicked it with his sock-feet and it slid under the table that was holding their T.V upright. "Caspar, what the hell?"
"When do you want to do it Joe?!" He asked again. "When do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know what you're talking about..." Joe mumbled, looking away from Caspar.
Caspar sighed, feeling dejected and slightly hurt at the fact that Joe was just ignoring whatever was going on between them. Ignorance wasn't going to solve anything and that was all Caspar wanted to do... he had wanted to sit down and chat with Joe about this but it had turned into them yelling at each other and T.V remotes being kicked... he felt sick and tormented by the hidden truth. "Why don't you tell me that you love me anymore?"
In Joe and Caspar's relationship, Joe was the oldest and by far the most mature when it came to a lot of things since Caspar was truly just a big kid at heart. However, if anyone were to look at them now, Caspar would stand out as the most mature whilst Joe would be deemed immature due to the dull glint in his eyes and his crossed arms. "Do I have to say it back every, single time?" Joe wondered aloud. "That's not a rule, Caspar."
"It's not," Caspar agreed. "But, generally when someone tells you that they love you, it would mean the world to them if you said the same thing to them."
Joe's stance softened and he turned on his side of the couch so that he was facing Caspar. The two boys stared at each other, Caspar regarding Joe with caution and Joe stumbling over the words he wanted to say. Caspar was afraid to look into Joe's eyes, he didn't want to look at the deep blue of his irises... and see... and see the guilt swimming in them. "You want to know why I won't say it back?"
The South-African nodded, already regretting it. He could hear the alarm bells in his head going off, telling him to stop and telling him to turn back and pretend that everything was fine... but Caspar was already in too deep and despite everything in him telling him that what Joe would say next would hurt him, Caspar held Joe's gaze and waited. "I don't... I don't feel it anymore, Caspar." Joe whispered, his voice breaking slightly. "I don't feel us anymore."
He didn't feel 'us' anymore?
The strings holding Caspar's heart together snapped and the fragile pieces of his heart fell to the floor, shattering like glass and splaying everywhere. "What-what do you mean?"
"I think it was just a phase."
"Loving me was just a phase?"
"Caspar..." Joe began, his voice shaky. He leaned forward to touch Caspar but the younger boy stood up from the couch with a jolt of energy, his hands twisted in his blonde hair. "That's not what I meant. I didn't mean to put it like that."
Caspar walked away from the couch, his mind reeling and his heart desperately trying to piece itself back together. He heard Joe get up from the couch, he heard Joe approaching him and he felt Joe's hand on his shoulder, urging him to turn around. "Caspar, please."
He turned around, the Mediterranean blue of his eyes glistening with unshed tears. "Was loving me just a phase for you? Something that you had to get over?" Caspar asked, his voice on the verge of breaking. "Please just tell me the truth, Joe. I've had enough of lies and secrets..."
"Yes," Joe replied, his eyes watering. Seeing Caspar in pain was making him feel dizzy, it was making him feel sick. "I-I'm not gay, Caspar... I like girls too, remember? Maybe I just needed to see where things could have gone with a guy..."
Caspar closed his eyes and the unshed tears for Joseph Sugg trickled down his cheeks, carving paths through his skin, sinking into the flesh of his lips and gliding down the collar of his t-shirt. "I don't believe you." He whispered. "Is there someone else? I don't understand how you can be in love with someone one day... and then just not be in love with them the next day."
Joe let out a broken sob because Caspar's words were so true and so raw with emotion. He hated seeing Caspar like this and he hated himself for making him like that... all Joe wanted right now was for Caspar to smile, for the crinkles in the corners of his eyes to come out and for his blue eyes to twinkle with laughter. "There was one... there was one girl, but I swear, Caspar, I didn't fuck her or anything... I just got to know her."
The younger boy nodded, almost to himself and brought up a hand to wipe the tears on his face. "So you don't love me?"
"Caspar -
"Just answer me, Joe."
Joe shook his head bitterly before looking down, his shoulders shaking with every breath he took. "I don't love you anymore... not like you love me." A sob broke free from Joe's lips as those words left his mouth, his mind was in a complete state of disarray and he wanted to curl up in a ball on the ground and cry... he wanted to cry for hurting Caspar, he wanted to cry because he knew that he would lose Caspar. "I'm so sorry, Caspy."
He doesn't love me anymore.
Caspar reached forward and placed his hands on Joe's shoulders, he let one of his hands slip down to Joe's waist before guiding it back up and tilting the older boy's chin upwards so that they could look at each other. He smiled sadly at Joe, before leaning down and pressing a sweet, single, kiss to his tanned cheek. Caspar pulled back, saltwater on his lips and he wrapped his arms around Joe's frail, shaking body, biting down on his own lips in order to keep the sobs at bay. "She's the luckiest girl in the world, Joseph... to have you... to have you all to herself, to just have you."
And with that, Caspar turned away from Joe and headed to the front door. He wasn't sure where he was going to go, he had nothing with him - no phone, and no money... he was just broken. Joe called his name, he told him that he could stay, he wanted to work it out but Caspar needed to get out of the apartment, he needed some breathing room and some space to put his heart back together.
But as Caspar slipped out of his flat, Joe's cries got louder and he found himself slumping against the door, sinking onto the floor and burying his face in his hands.
➳
I'm sorry... I didn't really like writing that... I was struggling with what to write about and a sad one-shot came to my head. 😞 Sorry, again. But... hopefully my next one-shot will make you feel better? So I was up since 4:30 am this morning, watching the 'Hit The Road' livestream and I still can't believe it! I'm so proud of them! They deserve it so much :) I might have cried a little when they drove their campervan thing into the premiere... just a little...
Anyway, remember that I love requests and comments.. you can also vote, if you want.
Thanks a bunch for reading! :)
- Anna