pre-warning: this chapter is shit
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Edited
I'd been having lunch with Kellin every day. It was nice, having someone you knew to talk to. I haven't been eating lunch, Kellin knows, but he hasn't said anything, not yet at least. I don't feel in control anymore. Control was the thing that kept me going, but it was also the thing that made me loose myself, and others. I think one of the reasons I don't eat is due to lack of control, it makes me feel in control of my body.
Today was visiting day, from 9am to 7pm, visitors we able to come and see patients. Inside, there was a small part of me that hoped Mike would visit, but I knew not to keep my hopes up because the possibilities were little to nothing. I hoped he was okay.
Kellin and I walked down the corridor, alone. Neither of us had visitors, and neither of us were expecting visitors but we tried to stay happy, or at least fake it. Our hands brushed slightly, causing a light blush to paint my cheeks. Kellin glanced at me, a small smile playing at his gorgeously soft lips. When our hands brushed again, Kellin laced our fingers together, and I felt my cheeks redden furiously. A smile tugged at my lips. He made me happy, I don't think he realised it.
We eventually arrived at the cafeteria, letting go of one another's hands. Today was different, the cafeteria was full of people, people I didn't recognise. There was two tables in the top left hand corner, one with two pale girls, and the other with three boys sat quietly eating their food. I guessed these tables were for people who didn't have anyone visiting them. We made our way over to the table with the three boys sat, placing our trays at two of the open spaces, sitting down quietly.
Silence took over, though, I didn't find it awkward. Kellin was playing with my hand under the table, while using his other hand to eat his lunch. I looked at my food, not feeling hungry. Kel nudged me slightly, glancing at my food, then giving me a questioning look. I just shook my head.
"Hey," someone, I think his name was Jaime, spoke up, "are you gonna eat that?"
I shook my head, pushing my meal towards him. He quickly took it, instantly digging in.
"Thanks man."
"No problem," I nodded politely, looking at the table below me.
Ten minutes later, I was still sat at the table, although now the boys I was sat with were a little louder, Jaime and Kellin were getting along great, which honestly made me feel slightly jealous. I looked around to see Tony speaking to the boy he was seated across from, Donavan, I think I remember his name as. I decided to go back to my previous positon of facing the table, my stomach empty.
"Chin up, bro," an all too familiar voice spoke.
"Mike, oh my god!" I looked up at my taller, younger brother, "you're here!"
A wave of anxiety hit me like a brick. He'd changed a lot. He had a lip piercing now, but that wasn't the worrying part. Purple bruises littered his face. A yellow bruise was on the higher part of his cheek, it seemed older than some of the most recent, darker ones. He had a black eye, two dark bruises, almost black, on his jaw.
He forced a smile, "of course, why wouldn't I be?"
"I've been a shitty older brother," I choked.
"Vic, I know that you've been through a lot, but you have not been a shitty older brother, if anything I've been a shitty brother, you've been in hospital more times that I can count, I should've stopped that, but I didn't, all I did was go out every night, get stoned and come home," he frowned down at himself, making me feel like shit. It wasn't his fault. He wasn't a bad brother. He had his way of mourning, being drugs, I had mine, being self harm. They both took us to shitty places, but that ultimately doesn't make us any less of a better person. Under all the scars, I'm still me, and through all the weed, Mike's still Mike. I stood up, motioning for Mike to follow me. Once we were in a more private location, he pulled me into a hug.
"God, Vic. I've missed you so fucking much," he sighed, "the house feels so empty without you, dads never home, and when he is, I'm his fucking punching bag."
"He- he hits you?"
"He uses my hands as ash trays," he pulled his hand up, inspecting the round burn marks on his hand. Unfortunately, they resembled mine, except now the burns on mine were scars.
"Fuck," I shook my head, "fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck."
"Vic."
"Fuck no, I'm supposed to be the one getting hit. Why am I not there to protect you, what sort of older brother am I?"
"Vic, no Vic," he reached out to grab my shoulder, which was now shaking with anxiety. And that when I saw it. His sleeve rolled up slightly, revealing red, parallel lines going line after line up his wrist, most likely continuing to the part under his sweater.
"Mike, what the fuck?" I gasped, my breaths came out uneven and panicked as I felt an anxiety attack start to come on.
"Shit," he cursed as he hastily yanked the sleeve down his revealed skin.
"Shit, fucking fuck. You cannot go back to him, Mike no," I spoke sternly, "and you can never cut yourself, look where it got me."
"Away from dad, that's where it got you. I'd rather be here than at that hellhole we have to call home."
"No, Mike. It's dangerous."
"So is dad. I promise you, that by the time you're released from here, I'll take you far away from him," he promised.
IM SO SORRY THIS IS SHIT I'M LITERALLY SO TIRED AND I HAVE SCHOOL TOMORROW AND IM RE-WATCHING THE VAMPIRE DIARIES AND I'M SO OUT OF IT I CAN'T CONCNTRATE HELP
Future me-
This is great, I was re reading this and editing it but I was re reading in a southern accent and I should just be an actress I swear
God old me gets me, ya kno. She just gets me.
I fucking live for future me.