She'd always shown interest in their reconciliation. He's not blind; no matter how hard she'll deny it, he can see all the signs in her: her meaningful smiles, her suggestive (in his opinion, though) comments, her lingering looks, her corny and insufferable jokes.. all the signals that she deeply regretted their split.
He believes he's the most rational one between them, so he brushed every single one of them away. She wasn't his wife anymore. She wasn't his anymore. (The dulling pain inside his chest is still there, four years later. It never goes away. Fucking hell.)
It didn't help na nasa iisang industriya lang sila. People think na malaki ang mundo ng showbiz, and he'll be glad to prove everyone wrong. Kung malaki nga ang industriyang kinalalagyan nila e 'di sana naiiwasan niya ang ex-wife niya. Kaso hindi. Kahit anong iwas ang gawin niya, kahit anong tanggi niya sa projects na kasama ang ex-wife niya, dumarating pa rin sa point na magkakasama silang dalawa.
She's always fucking there, everywhere. And that annoys and unnerves him. Wala naman silang restraining order sa isa't isa kaya wala siyang magagawa kung magkasalubong man silang dalawa sa hallway ng station. He'd completely ignored her during those first months of their divorce. Kaya niyang gawin 'yon buong buhay niya kaso pinagalitan siya ng kapatid niyang si Kesh na Kuya naman, don't be hard on her. She's hurting, too.
That's the ironic things in this whole debacle they're in: she was the one who filed for divorce. She was the one who ended things between them. She was the one who broke his heart. (He never says the last part aloud. Sa kanya lang 'yon.)
They'd a whirlwind romance six years ago na kinakiligan ng sambayanan. Siya ang nagdirect ng first ever music video ni Zade Pascual, ang isa sa mga sought after singers sa Pilipinas. That was the first time na nagdirect siya ng music video (he's into indie films and documentaries) dahil pinilit lang siya ni Kesh. Hindi maganda ang first impression niya kay Zade; that time kasi may blind item sa Chismis Squad na lumaki na ang ulo nito at kung anu-ano pang negatibong balita. Sinubukan niyang i-distansiya ang sarili niya kay Zade, na may professional talent-director relationship. Of course, he'd failed. By the end of their shoot, inaya niya si Zade sa isang date. Na naulit pa.. na naulit pa..
Hanggang sa magpakasal sila sa Las Vegas exactly one year after their first meeting.
Their relationship had been.. the best. She'd been his first serious girlfriend in seven years, and he'd been her first serious relationship ever. Ang daming nagulat at nadisappoint sa ginawa nilang dalawa. Maraming hindi naniwala na magtatagal sila hanggang sa dulo. At that time hindi nila pinakinggan ang mga tao sa paligid nila. They were (it pains him to use past tense in describing their relationship) so in love with each other. What else could go wrong?
Nine months after their shotgun wedding, Zade had decided to end their marriage.
Sabi niya mas gusto niyang i-prioritize ang career niya. Na.. bata pa silang dalawa, malayo pa ang mararating ng mga career nilang dalawa. Hindi pa siya handang magsimula ng pamilya. Hindi pa siya handa sa ganung kalaking responsibilidad.
(Andreau can sum up that speech in five words: I really regret marrying you.)
Everyone witnessed his struggle to keep them together. He'd fought for her, begged her to stay. Muntikan pa nga niyang sampahan ng kaso ang management ni Zade, baka may kinalaman ito sa pakikipaghiwalay ng asawa.
Ano bang hindi mo maintindihan, Andreau? Ayoko na! I tried being your wife and I woke up one day with a realization na hindi ko kayang maging asawa mo ngayon! I love you, you know that. It's just that.. this isn't what I need right now. I need my career more than.. this. Mas okay pa na tapusin ko na habang maaga pa para hindi pa tayo sobrang masaktan. Do you understand me?
(Yan lang ang inaalala ni Andreau kapag gusto niyang magalit sa mundo. That was the worst lie he ever heard in his life. Galing pa sa taong minahal niya nang husto.)
To make this long and painful story short, hindi na niya pinaglaban pa si Zade.
Bakit pa niya ipaglalaban ang taong binabalewala siya? Bakit pa niya ipagpipilitan ang sarili sa taong itinataboy siya palayo?
Agad niyang pinirmahan ang divorce papers nang dumating ito sa kanya.
He (tried) avoided his ex-wife ever since.
But again, she is the one initiating things. She's trying so hard to be civil with him. He can't do that. He can and will never do that. Nawalan na siya ng tiwala kay Zade after signing those divorce papers. He believes that second chances are for those who can't let go of the past. If someone hurt you badly, why give them a second chance? That's fucking insanity.
Gusto rin naman niyang pasalamatan si Zade kahit paano. Kung hindi dahil sa divorce nilang dalawa, hindi niya magagawa ang unang indie film na nagpapanalo sa kanya ng Best Director award, at napalabas pa ito sa Cannes Festival. That made his mark in the film industry as a serious filmmaker. Naging trademark nga niya ang malulungkot na ending at hugot lines. (Ilang beses nga siyang tinanong kung si Zade ba ang inspiration niya sa lahat ng sad endings ng pelikula niya. He'll never admit that.)
On the other hand, Zade's career took off. Since their divorce, nagkaron si Zade ng sold out concerts, best selling albums, at naging representative pa ng Pinas sa isang Asian Pop Convention. Kahit paano masaya si Andreau para sa kanya. Hindi na lang niya iniisip kung ano ang naging kapalit ng success nilang dalawa at baka magsisi pa siya.
**
Hindi talaga nila kayang iwasan ang isa't isa. In the end, nagkita sila sa engagement party nina Kesh at ng best friend ni Andreau na si Roldan. (His younger sister informed him na aattend si Zade sa party at Kuya please be good. Don't ruin our day, okay? He loves his sister so much so he promised. Basta hindi lang siya iinom ng alak.)
She's the one who first approach him. Iniwasan na nga niya si Zade buong gabi, nagtago na sa pinakasulok ng bahay nila pero nakita pa rin siya nito sa childhood bedroom niya. Zade sits beside him on his old bed, and he smells the bourbon off her mouth. She's drunk.
Pinabayaan lang niyang magramble si Zade ng kung anu-anong nonsense for about five minutes. Mas madali itong mapapagod kapag sobrang daldal. (He missed her ramblings, and he's never gonna admit that out loud.)
He's about to leave her inside the room when she says, "We never had that, ano?"
Andreau turns around and he sees a sad look in her eyes. Natakot siyang sagutin ang tanong ni Zade. Baka kung anong masabi niya.
As if she read his mind, Zade continues, "An engagement party. Masyado kasi nating kinareer ang pagiging spontaneous sa lahat ng bagay," she laughs humorlessly. "At least ngayon may chance na tayo, 'di ba? With other people, I mean."
I should not listen to this. I'm over this.
"Lagi kong nirereplay yung gabing 'yon kapag malungkot ako. The Zoolander night. And every time tinatanong ko rin ang sarili ko kung tama ba 'yon. I shouldn't have said those things that way. You never deserved that from me, Andreau. I was.. so selfish and.. so stupid. And.." Zade stands up, walks towards him. He tries to step back but he can't.
"Zades.."
She stands in front of him with those sad eyes that speak volumes. She hurt him, he hurt her. They hurt each other for god knows how long and how deep. "I.. I tried to be your friend.. or even an acquaintance, Andreau. But you keep on pushing me away and I.."
Now he sees everything. All those things she has done the past years are only the actions of a friend. Or at least trying to be. She's trying so hard and.. what about him? Siya 'tong bitter ex-husband na walang ginawa kundi itaboy siya.
Zade steps closer, leaning up. Her voice was soft. "I am sorry, Andreau. Forgive me."
She kisses his cheek. And for the first time in years, his heart's finally free.
***
Sobrang fluffy kasi ng ficlet kahapon kaya hindi ko kinaya so.. kailangan kong maging malungkot. Matagal ko nang naiisip 'tong plot na 'to and.. this is just the tip of a helluva iceberg. Hays.
kalma, this is just a what if!