- The Stage Dolls, Crying over you -
https://open.spotify.com/track/4balC1LUVQazE4TAjImcrZ
(A/N:
So... this is a song by a Norwegian artist, Torstein Flakne, who is from my own home town.
It is one of my absolute favourite heartbreak songs. Please listen to it.
I think it suits our communicationally challenged pair.
At the moment I just want to jump in there and smash their heads together, but they kinda need to figure it out on their own...)
- January 20th -
There was a lull in our practice, but for a change we were all four gathered in the band room.
We were also sat quietly catching up on coursework. Simon and I were reading up for a written assignment. Ethan was trying to memorise musical notes and Oddball was - as usual - completely unable to sit still. He had a rubber ball that he kept boncing against the wall with a loud, repeated 'thwack'-noise.
Ethan gave him an annoyed stare.
"Odd! Can you calm your fucking AD/HD for five minutes," Ethan muttered.
Oddball just grinned. And continued bouncing the ball untill he had all of us looking at him.
"So. You asked her out yet?" Oddball asked with a smirk at Ethan.
My head automatically snapped up to face him before I could stop myself. Ethan thankfully wasn't looking at me to see the shock on my face.
But I saw the way he suddenly blushed.
The very small tell-tale smile on his lips.
The way his eyes sparkled.
And my world came crashing down. My heart plummeted into my shoes and somehow everything good in the world disappeared. I felt my face contort and forced myself to ignore the big gaping hole in my chest.
Quickly I rearranged my face into a semblance of normal.
Ethan raised his face to shoot Odd a look I couldn't quite pinpoint.
He shrugged a signal that he wasn't going to say anything.
"Do we know her?" Simon asked suddenly interested and leaning forwards.
"Maybe Izzy has ideas of how you could ask?" Odd continued nodding towards me with a smirk.
I stopped myself before responding with a warning look back at him.
"For fucks sakes, Oddball ... this isn't middle school," Ethan muttered looking even more embarrassed.
I felt conflicted.
I knew that fucking string quartet would be trouble.
Where else could he have met someone he had enough in common with to want to ask out?
Yes, I wanted Ethan to be happy. But I also wanted him to want me.
I fought back a feeling of hurt pride.
I had no rights.
He didn't know how I felt about him.
But still.
I imagined having to see him date someone, kiss someone, smile at someone as if she was his whole world and I didn't like it.
Not even a little bit.
Odd raised an eyebrow and smiled mischeivously.
I chose to turn my face away.
I wanted to signal that it was none of my business when I actually just wanted to scream out that he was blind, stupid and very, very bad at taking my hints.
Very vague hints.
Mostly in the form of on-stage flirting and silly laughing at his jokes.
But hints none the less.
Hints I wasn't sure if I actually wanted him to get.
Besides.
I worried that my voice wouldn't carry.
My face felt like it was made of tissuepaper, thin enough to tear with the smallest movement.
The feeling of jealous anger sat like a rock in my chest.
Whoever this girl was.
I wanted to rip her face off.
I turned back down to my textbook about colour psychology to try to calm myself. I was suitably enough on the chapter about green.
"Why don't you just make it a double date? Izzy could ask whoever it is that she's been mooning over, " Simon grinned.
I looked at him with murderous intent.
He was just grinning back.
Oblivious to the inner trauma I was fighting.
Or just being an ass.
"No!" I said firmly.
"Why not?" Odd asked me.
"I don't moon," I said giving Simon the international glaring signal for "you are dead".
Simon chuckled.
"Sure... so no humming and randomly smiling into thin air?" Simon teased.
I chose to ignore him.
In fact.
I pointedly ignored all three of them.
"What a pair of pussies!" Oddball exclaimed.
In my peripheral vision I registered Ethan frowning.
I sighed dramatically, dragging my attention away from the very interesting paragraph I was reading. I gave Odd a look of infinite exasperation.
"You are in the best fucking rock band ever. You can have anyone you want! I mean anyone! Both of you! Seriously Izzy. How many random guys have you turned down this week?" he asked.
"None!" I huffed.
"You turned down Freddy in class this morning," Simon said.
I saw Ethan's sideways glance at me in my peripheral vision.
"What?" I asked genuinely bemused.
"Freddy asked if you wanted to see a movie. You said no," Simon explained calmly.
I looked at him and saw the mix of amusement and concern on his face.
"No... that was the whole class going and I had practice with you guys. Come on!" I laughed without humor.
The fact that we hadn't touched the instruments all afternoon kind of defeated my argument. But that was besides the point.
"Erm... Izzy. That was not the whole class going. That was him asking for a date," Simon smirked.
I frowned. I had said no to a few social invites. I had just not imagined them to be date invites.
"Open your eyes Izzy. Or you might miss what is right in front of you," Simon said with a concern uncommon to him.
"So shoot me for wanting to be with you guys," I muttered.
I really did love the feeling of belonging in the band. I felt at home with the guys and the creativity of the music gave me a confidence I had never had before.
I had never laughed so often and so wholeheartedly as I did in that band room.
Besides.
Being in the band meant spending time with Ethan.
Nothing beat that.
Nothing felt better than his smile as we finished a good practice.
Or when he figured out a new song or when we nailed a cover version.
Or when he took time to teach me the guitar riffs.
Or when he looked at me.
Or when he was there, in the same room as me.
"So Ethan. When are you going to ask this mysterygirl out?" Odd repeated just as I had almost managed to forget where this stupid conversation begun.
I sighed and forced my attention back to my book, blocking out Ethan's reply. It lasted less than a page.
So I stood up without a word and left for the cafeteria. I seriously needed a break.
I bought a coffee and sat down at a window table.
"I will figure you out you know," Simon whispered sitting down oposite me.
"Nothing to figure!" I stated.
He sat back and studied me for a moment before leaning over the table locking his playful blue eyes on mine.
"Are you crushing on someone we know?" He asked.
I fought a blush.
"Izzy. Are you crushing on me?" He asked with a strangely serious look in his eyes.
I gave up.
"Yes, Simon. I am crushing on you!" I huffed with a dramatic eye roll.
"That's what I thought," he grinned.
"Exactly. Please Simon take me into your strong arms and kiss me untill I faint," I deadpanned with extreme dryness.
For a few seconds we were staring at eachother before we both burst into laughter.
"Now... that would be something!" Simon laughed.
I nodded.
He suddenly looked serious again.
"So why don't you just tell me who you're really crushing on?" He asked.
I shook my head.
"I could give him a beating?" Simon suggested.
I glared at him for a good twenty seconds before deciding to change tactics.
"Ellen!" I grinned at him, enjoying the way he flinched.
"What about her?" he asked trying to look innocent and nonchalant.
"She's got a date with Nate this weekend," I smirked.
"And?" he said trying to shrug.
"If someone else said something about his own lingering feelings instead, Ellen might not go on that date. You know... Certain boundaries might get crossed," I whispered.
Simon might be cocky on the outside but I saw how he still followed Ellen with his eyes.
He hadn't spoken to her yet. And I was still stuck in the icy silence between them.
He looked at me with narrowed eyes. I shut up but kept my most evil grin.
He sat back in his chair.
Arms crossed.
"So... wanna go back and find out who shy-boy is into?" Simon asked, trying to change the subject into what he probably thought was neutral territory.
And there it was.
The one thing I wanted to get away from.
I shook my head.
I needed to drink my coffee and nurse my broken heart.
Heal myself enough to be able to walk back into band practice with my head held high.
And then prepare to rip the bandaid off.
Repeatedly.
When he smiled.
Or when the guys asked about the mystery girl.
Or when it was just us two. With him trying to teach me how to play a guitar with confidence.
I wanted to go home.
Right now.
To hide under my covers.
And cry.
Simon frowned at me before standing up. He gently patted my shoulder before leaving me to my coffee.
I quietly wished that there could be a cure for falling in love with the wrong guy.
Something to remove that warm, fuzzy, sore, painful feeling and replace it with something like the happiness I felt for Oddball.
I had schooled myself into a friendly distance from Ethan. I laughed at his jokes, but no more than at Oddball's of Simon's jokes.
And to my own pride, I managed to hold normal conversations with him.
Even if it had fooled him into believing it, I wasn't fooling my own heart.
Surreptitiously studying him for sketches, subtly listening to the cadence of his voice.
Watcing how his fingers moved.
Hearing the beauty of his violin.
It all had my head spinning.
I wanted him to be happy.
But I couldn't make myself wish that he could be happy with someone else.
And I cursed that imaginary bavarian princess in Vienna, somehow perfect for him, waiting for him to win that damned scolarship.
- January 25th -
"All I'm saying is that you don't need to learn a new set of chords if you just shift your goddamned fingers down a modulation!" Ethan said with impatience.
"I have no fucking idea how to do that!" I yelled back.
"You move a note down!" He groaned and moved to shift my fingers... again.
I stared him down and moved my fingers away from the fretboard.
We had been at this discussion for a while. My lack of guitar skills were beginning to annoy him and he had been at me about details all afternoon. He had been moving my fingers around and correcting everything all week.
I was grateful for him spending time teaching me when he should be memorising his pieces for the scolarship contest.
But the steady touch of his fingers on mine was driving me insane.
I was fast approaching the limits of my tolerance and his patience was wearing very thin.
Oddball and Simon had left a while earlier, both mumbling something about not wanting any part in this shouting-match.
"Just...Listen to what I'm telling you!" He shouted angrily throwing his hands up.
"I'm trying, but I'm obviously too stupid for your genious methods!" I threw back at him feeling my anger blazing.
"No! You are just too stubborn to hear what I'm actually saying!" He hissed.
I glared at him.
"Feel what my fingers are doing. It's right there!" He insisted.
Ethan stared at me with a hard expression on his face and fire in his eyes. I had to tighten my mouth and clench my jaw to stop myself from crying.
Why did this boy affect me so much when I only annoyed him?
I turned and removed the guitar from around my neck before I stomped out of the band room, the building and away from the argument. My fists were clenched so tight I would probably see imprints of my fingernails later.
I reached the bus stop before I realised I had left my coat inside and everything I'd need to get home was in that jacket.
Including my keys, my wallet and my bus card.
I sat down on the cold bench in the freezing January wind drawing my knees up to my chest and started crying into my elbows.
Here I was.
Pathetic.
Useless.
Crying over a boy I shouldn't want.
Four buses passed by without me being able to get on.
I was getting numb from the cold, but the numbness felt good. It gave me something physical to feel. I was shivering, in a ball, on a bench at a bus stop.
"You'll catch a cold," I heard as a warm blue duffelcoat smelling of boy was thrown over my shoulders.
I didn't look up.
"I don't care how angry you get. I don't understand what I did, but please don't make yourself sick over it," Ethan said standing in front of me.
I inhaled the smell of his jacket, selfishly, deeply. Allowing myself to sink into the scent of him.
Enjoying the warmth while being fully aware that he was standing there in only a t-shirt.
I wanted to punish him.
Make him hurt, freeze, be in some kind of pain.
Stupid boy.
Stupid for making me fall in love with him.
Stupid for wanting someone else.
Stupid for having dreams of studying in Vienna.
Stupid for wanting to leave me and the band and his family to play violin.
Stupid for being so talented that he'd probably win the stupid scolarship.
Stupid for infecting my dreams and making me want to touch his hair and taste his skin.
And stupid.
Just for being stupidly perfect and kind, and caring, and Ethan.
He sat down next to me.
And waited. For several minutes.
I tried to ignore him while breathing in the intoxicating scent of his jacket and feeling sorry for myself that this might be my only chance to drown in his scent.
"Izzy. Can we go back in? I'm kinda cold," he asked with chattering teeth.
I dared lifting my face to see him looking at me with a tortured, sad look on his face and hands tucked into his armpits. He looked so pitiful.
I nodded.
"Good!" he said.
I stood up and shook my stiff legs out.
Spontaneously he pulled me into a hug. I instantly went rigid, before catching a fresh breath of him. Straight off his skin.
And I melted.
Like a piece of cooked spaghetti.
I more or less fell into him with fresh tears threatening to overflow.
"Whoa. I think that's enough cold for you," he said and supported me back into the band room.
It wasn't the kind of touch I wanted, but like a desert wanderer looking for water, I took what was on offer and leaned into him.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
He didn't reply, just herded me in, sat me down and left the room to return a couple of minutes later with two hot coffees.
We didn't speak.
Once the coffees were drunk, he handed me my own coat.
"I'm driving you home," he said.
I nodded and followed him to his car.
I didn't say anything all the way. I kept my eyes on the road. He sounded as if he was about to say something a couple of times, but changed his mind.
I knew I was childishly sulking.
But I couldn't stop myself.
Once I got home, I left the car with a 'thanks for the lift' and marched straight up to bed without bothering about dinner.
My mum came and sat on the edge of my bed.
"What's wrong Izzykins?" She asked using my baby nickname as she stroked my hair.
"I yelled at Ethan. And then sulked like a five year old. And now he probably hates me for being childish," I mumbled feeling like an idiot.
"Was there a reason for the yelling?" She asked.
"He was teaching me some stuff on the guitar and I'm obviously a slow learner," I shrugged.
My mum looked at me while she waited for the rest. She knew there was more.
"And he's asking some girl out and I hate her!" I said quietly.
My mum chuckled.
"You know you could just talk to him? Tell him how you feel about him," She said.
"No!" I said.
"What is the worst that could happen?" My mum asked.
"I lose all my friends, mum. I will have to quit the band. And I will forever be that stupid fangirl who got into the band to snag Ethan and failed miserably," I explained.
"He might not ask you to leave the band, Izzy," my mum sighed.
"But then things will be all awkward. And Simon will disown me for weirding out the band!" I said.
She shook her head at me.
"Why do you always imagine worst case scenarios, Izzy?" She asked.
I shrugged.
"I have plans with Josh tonight but if you want I can cancel them and spend an evening with you, Meg Ryan and Nick Cage in the City of Angels?" She asked.
I had to giggle.
I loved that film.
It was my go-to feel-good movie when I was down.
That movie was just perfection.
"It's okay, mum. I can watch it on my own," I replied.
"If you're sure. Just remember that real guys aren't angels!" She said.
"I know... I just want that one who will sing Iris and actually mean it when he sings about giving up forever," I sighed.
My mum brushed the hair from my face with a nod. I didn't have to say the rest.