I USED to see Rico as discreet when it came to interaction. Although, nakikita ko naman siya, but he wasn't that kind of man na lalapit sa babae at magpapasikat. Ganoon ang barkada niya, to be honest. Nasa corner lang siya most of the time, as if watching his pack do their stupid things at aangil lang kapag may mali nang nangyayari.
At first, nayayabangan ako sa kanya kasi . . . I don't know? Baka masyado siyang straightforward? He's taking things so fast? He's so critical? Ayaw niya nang sinasayang ang time niya? And when he says he doesn't want anyone wasting his time, it means don't talk to him if you're not going to tackle a serious matter with him—something like that. And to think, sa lagay na 'yon, hindi siya ang pinaka-cold na member ng barkada nila.
One of my memorable encounters with Rico was during my breakup with Patrick.
He was that guy behind my ex-fiancé, looking at me like a hopeless chick. All of them are good-looking guys, and he was there in his V-neck shirt and jeans. Not as special as anyone thought.
"Pat, it's over now." I placed the engagement ring Patrick gave me above the countertop. Magpasalamat siya dahil hindi ko ibinato sa kanya 'yon pagkatapos ng lahat ng sinabi niya sa akin.
"Jae, I didn't mean to—"
"Patrick, we're done."
"Bro, ang init na rito!" Napatingin kaming lahat kay Rico na nagpapagpag ng suot na shirt. "Miss, hindi ka ba naiinitan?"
Akala ko kung sino ang kausap niya, ako pala.
"Rico, puwedeng mamaya ka na?" pag-awat sa kanya ni Patrick.
"Alam mo, miss, hindi malakas ang air con dito sa loob. Baka balak mong hubarin kahit suit mo lang."
"Rico! Huy!"
Nakakapikon siya, yes. Itinuro niya ako kaya malamang na ako ang kausap niya. Nagalit ako kay Patrick, and he should be thankful dahil hindi ako nag-eskandalo kahit na pareho nang mainit ang mga ulo namin. Inawat si Rico ng iba niyang kasama, na parang mali yata dahil ang ine-expect ko ay si Patrick ang dapat na awatin nila.
"Pansinin ka lang kasi, miss. Lahat kami dito, init na init na, alam mo 'yon? Amphibian ka ba?"
I don't care kung nakainom siya or what. I gave him my deadly glare habang hinahatak siya ng mga kasama niya palabas kasama si Patrick.
I was not in the mood to have fun after what had happened. Nagpaalam ako kina Melanie para makauwi na. Lumabas ako ng Padi's at dumeretso sa parking lot. Malay ko bang makikita ko rin siya roon.
"Ni hindi ka man lang pinagpawisan sa lahat ng ginawa mo sa loob."
I raised my eyebrow. He was not drunk base sa mga salita niyang mas deretso pa sa linya ng kalsada.
"Where are your friends?" I asked in my serious tone.
"It's hard for a man like me to appreciate a woman who wears a coat in resto bars like Padi's."
I rolled my eyes at him before I got in the car I borrowed from Mel. "And it's hard for a woman like me to appreciate a man who will ask ladies to take their clothes off just for the sake of entertainment, especially in resto-bars like Padi's. Hindi ko 'to isinuot para sa 'yo. Huwag kang feeling special."
Wala siyang pakialam kung ano ba ang gusto kong isuot. Kung magsuot man ako ng miner's jumpsuit, wala siyang karapatang magbigay ng opinion. I couldn't understand the idea of him always noticing everything about me.
Still, why did I encounter him every time na bad mood ako because of other guys? I wanted to forget it. But now, it was all coming back to me.
"First time mo sa speed dating?" I casually asked Rico.
"Not really. Nangangapa lang ako sa 'yo," he said, giving me his infamous grin.
"Mahilig din silang mangapa," I said, full of sarcasm. "Paturo ka kung paano para magkasundo tayo."
"Was that a green joke?" he asked, puzzled, and he didn't take that as pure sarcasm.
"You took that as a green joke?"
December last year, may barkada outing sila. Clark took me with them as her "date" but I ended up being the grumpy side chick sa ayaw siyang makausap.
Ang daming babaeng kasama, and he was flirting with one of them kapag nakatalikod ako. Nakikita ko sila, and I guess sinasadya niya yata para mag-react ako. But sorry for him, hindi ako nabebentahan ng gumagamit pa ng iba para magselos.
Lumandi siya sa iba, kanila na siya, period.
Nakikita ko si Clark, tatlong upuan lang ang layo kay Rico. We had a speed dating sa rest house ni Joana. At kahit na alam nilang may something sa amin ni Clark, naging part pa rin kami ni Rico ng date na 'yon. Nakipagkamay naman ako kay Rico para hindi ako masabihang killjoy.
"You play?" he suddenly asked in the middle of our conversation.
Bad mood ako. Mayabang akong sumagot. "Depends on the game."
Lumapit pa siya sa akin para bumulong nang mas mahina pa. "If I kiss you right now, sa tingin mo, magkakagulo ngayon?"
Dumadalas ang pamimisikal ko kaya napitik ko siya sa noo nang hindi ko sinasadya. "You wish! Out na 'ko!"
He just laughed hysterically habang hawak ang noo niya. I saw my friends and his peers looking at us with a huge question mark on their faces. Bad mood na nga ako tapos may gana pa siyang man-trip nang ganoon, nakakairita Dapat pala sinampal ko na lang.
Umalis na ako sa table na 'yon at nagtago sa kanilang lahat. Dumeretso ako sa kitchen ng bahay at kumuha doon ng kahit anong maiinom. May case sila ng beer kaya kumuha ako ng apat na bote. I rarely drink kaya alam kong masyado nang marami ang apat. Wala akong pakialam sa mundo nang mga oras na 'yon dahil naiinis ako kay Clark. Binigyan ko kasi siya ng second chance, pero hindi na siya gaya ng dati kung paano ko siya nakilala.
O baka hindi ko pala talaga siya kilala.
O baka gaya ng lagi kong rason . . . hindi ko pala talaga siya mahal.
Clark is . . . he is the joker of the barkada. He likes to play. And compared to Patrick, he likes to do things his own way without thinking about what he's doing. Sobrang opposite kaming dalawa, and I don't like it when he doesn't take things seriously. Parang sa kanya, joke lang lahat. Maybe, both kaming may problema. Hindi kasi mag-work kahit anong pilit namin. Commitment issues again na hindi ko alam kung fault ko ba o fault niya. I fucking hate MUs. Ang hirap ng walang label, pero mas gusto ko namang walang label, sa totoo lang.
Kalagitnaan ng gabi, bagsak na ang lahat dahil nag-inuman sila. Walang hindi lasing. At kahit hindi ako sumabay sa kanila, nalasing din ako kahit paano.
Iba ang tama sa akin ng beer. Hindi sinlakas ng tama ng rum pero mainit sa katawan na hindi ko ma-explain. Magpapalamig sana ako. Malay ko bang makikita ko sa pool si Rico.
He was there, sitting on the pool's stairs, staring at the water.
"Oh . . . it's you again." Four bottles of beer, and anyone in front of me is a perfect ten, so I go for it. Lumapit ako kay Rico sa hagdan ng pool at umupo sa tabi niya. "How's life, Rico?"
"Jaesie?" His brows furrowed and he looked annoyed. "Amoy-alak ka, a. Pinainom ka nila?"
"Nope. Nauna akong uminom kaysa sa kanila."
"What are you doing here? Bakit hindi ka pa natutulog?"
"Mainit. Saka hindi pa ako inaantok." Sumandal ako sa kanang balikat niya dahil nabibigatan ako sa ulo ko. I don't care if feeling close ako sa kanya. Wala naman siyang violent reaction sa ginawa ko. I felt the warmth of his skin in contrast to the coldness of the pool water.
"Kumusta na kayo ni Clark?" tanong niya. "Okay na kayo?"
"Nagbago na si Clark. O baka hindi ko lang siya kilala nang sobra."
"Mabait naman si Clark. Medyo childish nga lang. Kinausap ko naman na kanina. Wala pa rin bang sinasabi sa 'yo?"
"I don't care if possessive siya or what. Hindi ko na alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko para sa kanya."
And I guess he asked me the right question. "Do you think I'm the right person you're talking to regarding that issue?"
I heaved a sigh, trying to let go of the burden buried inside my chest. "Guess so. Sasabihin mo ba sa kanya lahat ng sasabihin ko ngayon sa 'yo?"
Hindi niya ako sinagot. I didn't want to take that as a "yes" since he's a guy. And I know how guys like him try to hide the truth behind silence by drawing boundaries in situations like this.
"I have to love him . . ." I said softly, telling myself to do it, not to inform him about it.
Naramdaman ko ang pagtawa niya. "Tunog napipilitan."
I laughed, too. Lagi naman akong napipilitan.
Lumusong ako sa gitna at malalim na part ng pool. Lalong nanunot ang lamig sa akin kaso hindi ko rin maipaliwanag ang init na naramdaman sa loob ko. Something was burning inside me, and I wanted to cool it down by dousing it in cold water.
"Hey! Lasing ka! Hindi ka dapat lumalangoy!"
I stopped in the middle of the pool and let myself float in the water. Tumulala ako sa malinis na langit. It felt like heaven was meeting hell inside me. I knew there was something I was missing at that time. I was asking for something I didn't know. I wished for something I couldn't remember. I desperately wanted that something, but I didn't have any idea what it was.
I saw myself moving after a hand reached for me and pulled me close to the poolside. I felt the cold tiles and the freezing water bordering my body.
"You are drunk . . . Jaesie."
He was serious. His voice was full of authority.
I smiled at him. I looked straight into his captivating green and gold eyes. I knew I saw something there I'd never seen anywhere else before.
"I am not drunk . . . Rico."
I touched his soft lips.
"If I kiss you right now, sa tingin mo, magkakagulo ngayon?" bulong ko habang nakatingin sa labi niya.
"Jaesie . . . lasing ka—"
I kissed him.
I kissed him like I'd never kissed anyone before. That was the moment I felt like nobody owned me—even Arthas.
I felt so free.
He leaned close to me, and I felt the hotness of his perfectly toned chest. Malaya ang pakiramdam ko kahit na nakakulong ako sa katawan niya at sa gilid ng pool sa likod ko.
"Love me . . . please . . ." I begged. His kisses were sweet. I still heard myself moaning because of the unusual temptation I'd had for him that instant.
I wanted to remember if I called Arthas' name at that moment, but I didn't remember it happening. It . . . didn't happen.
I closed my eyes, trying to think if that was only a dream—if he was just a product of my thirsty imagination—yet I still felt his tongue playing inside my mouth.
I still felt it. Every time the memories would come running to my mind, I'd always feel it as if it were still happening.
I opened my eyes and saw him staring at me. "Now . . . I'm drunk."
I saw him smile at me. I slyly smiled back.
I've kissed so many guys before, pero nakakalasing ang halik niya. That was not because I was really drunk, but because . . . I didn't know why.
"Clark's not gonna like it if he learns that I kissed his girl."
"Clark doesn't own me . . . he never did. He never will."
I fully grasped the idea of why he was doing this weird stuff in my life after that vacation. I fully understood why he was doing this—all these things.
"Ikaw, Rico . . . gusto mo bang mag-apply as owner ko? Hiring ako ngayon."
♥♥♥
I didn't know what hit me. It's been three days since Rico sent an update. Hindi ko siya matawagan, walang replies sa email. Saturday na, hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit worried na worried ako na wala man lang siyang balita.
Hindi pa enough ang mga nangyari para sabihing mahal ko na siya. At mas lalong hindi pa sapat ang lahat ng ginawa niya para lang mahalin ko na siya. Ni wala nga akong matandaang lovable memories naming dalawa para lang masabing mahal na nga niya ako. We kissed and had some strange memories together na beyond that kiss . . . but that wasn't enough.
He was doing things out of the agreement. He was helping me, and I didn't know what to do.
"Miss Rosenthal, baka feel mo namang lumabas muna ng office mo?"
Napatingin agad ako sa pintuan at nakita si Melanie na nakasandal sa hamba ng pinto. Marami siyang time for work today dito sa Purple Plate pero marami rin siyang time para sa tsismis.
"Mel!" I saw myself as so confused. "Wala pa ring update si Rico. Pupuntahan ko na ba siya sa Cebu?"
Bigla siyang ngumiwi sa akin. "Seriously? Jae, jowa ka ba!"
"Paano ko siya kakausapin ngayon, wala siyang paramdam sa kahit saan?"
Lalong gumusot ang mukha ko habang pinanonood si Melanie na tumawa nang sobrang lakas.
"What's funny?" naguguluhang tanong ko.
"That . . . is . . . the stupidest question . . . I've ever heard . . . from Jaesie Rosenthal's holy mouth." Then she laughed again like there was no tomorrow.
What the hell? It was still a mystery to me until now how I ended up having a close friend like Melanie.
"Quit laughing. It's not funny." Pinagtatawanan niya ang sitwasyon ko? Mukha bang masaya ang pinagdaraanan ko?
"Okay, okay." Itinigil na niya ang pagtawa at nilapitan ako. Wala na nga ang tawa niya, ang laki naman ng ngiti niya. Nakakairita. "Pupunta ka sa Cebu kasi wala siyang update sa 'yo?" Nagtakip siya ng bibig at agad na lumayo sa akin para tumawa ulit.
Minsan, parang gusto ko nang kalimutan na kaibigan ko si Melanie kapag ganito siya every time na nagkakaproblema ako.
After a few minutes, napanis na yata ang tawa niya kaya binalikan na niya ako. "Jaesie, seryoso na ba 'to?"
"Na pupunta akong Cebu?"
"No! I mean . . . yung inyo ni Mr. Dardenne."
Hindi ako nakapagsalita.
Seryoso na ba? I don't think so. But Rico wasn't answering my calls, and I was on the verge of calling all of my ex-flings para lang mahanap siya.
"Tawagan ko na kaya si Patrick para magtanong?" sabi ko na lang.
"Gaga ka!" She was not angry. She shouted at me, pero hindi siya galit. Ang laki ng smile niya kahit na nakikita niya akong nabubuwisit na sa problema ko.
"Mel, naman."
"Fine, fine. Check ko, ha?" She took her phone out of her pants pockets and checked something. "Four days ago pa ang post niya sa IG."
"Follower ka ba niya?"
"Yeah!"
Follower din pala ako ni Rico, but I seldom check my IG. Nakikita ko rin kasi ang mga ex ko sa mutuals namin.
"I'll text Calvin," Mel offered.
Hindi ako mapakali. Nababalisa ako sa pagiging missing in action ni Rico.
"Hinahanap ka pala ni Arthas," balita ni Mel kaya napatingin ako sa kanya.
"Bakit daw?"
"Wala. Hinahanap ka lang. Pinagtataguan mo ba?"
"Saan naman ako magtatago?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Sa bagay." Ipinakita niya ang screen ng phone pero hindi ko naman agad nabasa. "Nasa Manila na raw si Mr. Dardenne."
"Eh? Bakit walang update?"
Bumalik na naman ang malisyosang ngisi ni Melanie sa akin. "Girl, check the label muna tayo, ha? Baka nabibigla ka lang."
"Girlfriend niya ako according sa agreement namin."
"Nasa agreement din ba na dapat 24/7, may update siya sa 'yo?"
"E . . . ano . . ." Bigla akong nanghina.
"Ano? Sige, ano 'yang ano na 'yan?"
Nakakasira naman ng mood 'tong si Melanie.
I was just worried about it. Madali lang naman sigurong mag-text.
"O, tinanong ko na kung bakit MIA ang literal na legal boyfriend mo. Ayan." Ibinagsak pa niya ang iPhone niya sa office table ko. Nabasa ko ang reply ni Calvin doon.
Calvin: Haha confiscated ni Tita yung phone niya. Gamit niya kasi during lunch. Bakit mo pala hinahanap?
Ang lalim ng pagbuga ko ng hininga saka nailipat kay Mel ang tingin. "Okay na."
"Dapat lang! Napaka-OA mo naman, Jae. Deretso Cebu? Walang isip-isip?"
Napahilamos ako ng mukha at naihagod ang magkabilang palad sa noo hanggang buhok. Nakaka-stress naman 'to. Ano ba'ng nangyayari sa 'kin?
♥♥♥
NASA MANILA na raw si Rico. Wala sa kanya ang phone niya, pero sure naman akong makakapag-reply siya sa email.
Seven in the evening, ako na nga ang nagsara ng Purple Plate kasi umuwi na ang mga crew. Sa sobrang pag-iisip, late ko nang natapos ang paperwork ko.
Maybe I was thinking too hard, ni hindi ko na napansin na may tao pala sa isa sa mga nakaparadang sasakyan sa parking lot.
Dederetso na dapat ako sa service road nang mapahinto dahil nakita ko si Rico na nakasandal sa pinto ng kotse niya at mukhang naghihintay roon.
"Good evening, Miss Rosenthal."
Hindi agad ako nakakilos. Naririnig ko ang mga busina ng kotse sa kalsadang katapat namin, pero nangibabaw ang boses niya kahit mahina.
I wasn't in a horror movie, pero nagsisitayuan ang balahibo ko habang tinititigan ko siya. Then, I had this weird feeling na gusto siyang yakapin nang mahigpit kasi . . .
Kasi . . .
I don't love Rico. And I didn't know if I wanted to love him. But seeing him in this situation made me realize how happy I would be if it were just the two of us in this world right now.
"Good evening . . . Mr. Dardenne."
Here I was, staring at him from this not-so-close-yet-not-so-far distance.
Here I was, watching him in his unusually serious mode compared to his clever-smiling face every time we met.
Here I was, looking at him in a very strange way tonight.
After a few days of waiting, I couldn't believe I would say this at this moment . . . I felt satisfied.
"Uuwi ka na ba?" tanong niya.
"Hindi mo sinabing nasa Manila ka na."
Binuksan niya ang pinto ng kotse niya sa may passenger seat. "My mom got my phone. For real." Itinuro niya ang loob. "Sakay na."
Sandali akong hindi kumilos sa kinatatayuan ko. "May email ka."
"Nasa phone ko makukuha ang passcode para buksan ang email ko from other devices. Nasa parents ko lahat ng gamit ko." Itinuro na naman niya ang loob ng sasakyan. "I'll take you home."
Mahirap sabihin pero meron naman akong sapat na lakas ng loob para itanong sa kanya ang laman ng isip ko. "Rico, paano kung hindi ko maibalik ang investment mo. Magagalit ka ba sa 'kin?"
He looked at me keenly and shrugged. "I think I can lend you hundreds of millions since you really can handle it good. Pera lang naman 'yon, at kaya kong kumita ng panibagong milyon sa susunod na mga taon."
He spoke to me as if he were handing me a bag of candy. I know he's rich, but hundreds of millions is not a joke.
"Hindi ka ba masasaktan gaya nina Clark if ever magaya ka sa kanila dahil sa 'kin?"
Napansin kong may gusto siyang sabihin kaso hindi niya itinuloy. Humugot lang siya ng malalim na hininga at tumango sa hindi ko malamang dahilan.
"I'm old enough to handle disappointments and pain. You can't hurt me like you did to my friends, Jaesie. Alam ko ang pinapasok ko, at alam ko ang risk na meron ako ngayon."
"Hindi mo ba kino-consider ang feelings mo?"
"At this point, believe me, kung may considerate man sa feelings nating dalawa, ikaw 'yon at hindi ako." Itinuro na naman niya ang loob ng kotse. "Kapag hindi ka pa lumapit dito, bubuhatin na kita mula diyan sa puwesto mo."
I am not sure right now if he was just hard tounderstand or if I am just too slow to comprehend things about him. Eitherway, at least hindi na ako magtatanong bago matulog kung nasaan siya.
♥♥♥